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Every Way To Meet New People Is A Good Way
Updated August 6, 2018
Every Way To Meet Someone Is A Good Way
By Frank Kermit
Every way to meet someone is a good way. The point is to introduce you, or be introduced, to someone that is looking to meet someone to date and possibly have a more serious relationship with.
It does not matter if it is a blind date (two people who have never actually met nor seen each other, being set up to go out on a date by a third party), dating online, through speed dating, matchmaking services, meeting through social circles of friends and family, cold approaches (introducing yourself to a stranger on the street or frequented establishments like coffee houses and grocery stores because you found that person attractive), newspaper personals, or going to events of interest that you share in common with the other people attending (weddings, classes, festivals, and clubs). There is no wrong way to meet someone.
In a time when prisoners who are locked away from society can forge relationships through pen pal letters, and cheaters in relationships are able to find other unfaithful partners to have secret hook ups, there really is no excuse for anyone to claim that they are not able to find someone to date. If you have been single for a long time, you may have to consider that you sabotage yourself, whether you recognize it or not. Show me a person that says that no one has ever made a real effort to get to know them, and I will show you a person that unknowingly brushed off someone showing genuine intrigue because the person was able to read the indicating signs of interest. It is more likely that you are unaware of the people that would date you if you were more open to dating people that you are not initially massively attracted too.
As a coach, one of the more trying moments that I deal with is a client who claims he or she is unable to meet someone to date. When we exhaust the list of ways to meet someone, usually there are some means (as mentioned above) that the client was reluctant to even try. I often hear things like, "that is for desperate people", or "I refuse to go that route!" or the more insidious "that is not the way people are SUPPOSE to meet". How very sad; an entire generation of people were seduced by fictional movies and romance scenes and are waiting for love to come to them across a crowded room and live happily ever after without any efforts on their part.
Sorry folks. Life is not scripted and if you were not lucky enough to have it happen to you already, it means you are one of those people that is going to have to work and take action to find your soul mates. The first step is to make meeting someone to date a top priority and be accepting of every way possible to meet that special someone. Until then, whether you understand it or not, you are closing yourself off to people that want to date you right now, but who already felt rejected by you. Now stop making excuses, and get out there!
Frank Kermit
Every Way To Meet Someone Is A Good Way
By Frank Kermit
Every way to meet someone is a good way. The point is to introduce you, or be introduced, to someone that is looking to meet someone to date and possibly have a more serious relationship with.
It does not matter if it is a blind date (two people who have never actually met nor seen each other, being set up to go out on a date by a third party), dating online, through speed dating, matchmaking services, meeting through social circles of friends and family, cold approaches (introducing yourself to a stranger on the street or frequented establishments like coffee houses and grocery stores because you found that person attractive), newspaper personals, or going to events of interest that you share in common with the other people attending (weddings, classes, festivals, and clubs). There is no wrong way to meet someone.
In a time when prisoners who are locked away from society can forge relationships through pen pal letters, and cheaters in relationships are able to find other unfaithful partners to have secret hook ups, there really is no excuse for anyone to claim that they are not able to find someone to date. If you have been single for a long time, you may have to consider that you sabotage yourself, whether you recognize it or not. Show me a person that says that no one has ever made a real effort to get to know them, and I will show you a person that unknowingly brushed off someone showing genuine intrigue because the person was able to read the indicating signs of interest. It is more likely that you are unaware of the people that would date you if you were more open to dating people that you are not initially massively attracted too.
As a coach, one of the more trying moments that I deal with is a client who claims he or she is unable to meet someone to date. When we exhaust the list of ways to meet someone, usually there are some means (as mentioned above) that the client was reluctant to even try. I often hear things like, "that is for desperate people", or "I refuse to go that route!" or the more insidious "that is not the way people are SUPPOSE to meet". How very sad; an entire generation of people were seduced by fictional movies and romance scenes and are waiting for love to come to them across a crowded room and live happily ever after without any efforts on their part.
Sorry folks. Life is not scripted and if you were not lucky enough to have it happen to you already, it means you are one of those people that is going to have to work and take action to find your soul mates. The first step is to make meeting someone to date a top priority and be accepting of every way possible to meet that special someone. Until then, whether you understand it or not, you are closing yourself off to people that want to date you right now, but who already felt rejected by you. Now stop making excuses, and get out there!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
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ultimatum resolution
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If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children
Prior Commitments vs.
Commitment To Children
By Frank Kermit
Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience.
It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with.
The filter is to ask the question:
Is this in the best interest of my kid/s?
In some cases the answer is very straightforward.
In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not.
Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer.
It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival.
Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits.
Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child.
It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children.
Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children.
In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes.
Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority.
So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently.
Bottom line is that the kids come first.
For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments.
On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment.
For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me.
I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future.
There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up.
However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Pre-Marriage Coaching
Addressing, "I don't"
Before Saying "I do"
By Frank Kermit
Getting married? That is great!
You found someone that wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you, as much as you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Bravo! And before the big wedding day, there is so much to do. The wedding planning alone is an overwhelming task.
However, wedding planning, and for that matter, planning the rest of your life, aside, there is still a little matter that may require your attention.
That little matter has to do with just how much you actually know about the person you are set to marry.
In my practice, I often find that individuals can easily describe what it is they like about their future spouse.
However, sometimes, a better-worded question is required to bring to an individual's attention to just how much they have yet to discover about the person he or she is engaged too.
If you are engaged to be married, and you want to be sure you have asked all the right questions, but are unaware of where to start, then ask yourself this:
What is it about your future spouse that you don't know? Make a list.
If you still have no idea of what to ask, start off with questions where the answers, could indicate you would have to negate your engagement, or at the very least put it off for a little while longer until the situation can be resolved.
Here are some examples:
I don't know if my potential life partner has:
-Ever been arrested,
-Served time in jail,
-Has a criminal record,
-Lived a lifestyle that you are enormously against,
-Has a history of abuse,
…and so on.
If it would stop you from being engaged to your partner, be sure to admit what you do not know, and make the effort to find out.
Other examples may include asking "I don't" questions having more to do with whether or not you wonder if your potential life partner is capable of accepting elements from your own past.
In this case, some examples can include:
I don't know if my potential life partner
can accept that:
-I had a child that was given up for adoption that might look me up one day,
-I filed for bankruptcy less than a decade ago,
-I may be unable to have children,
-I have a secret from my past that no one knows about,
-I cheated when we first started dating,
…and so on.
If you think knowing the truth about you would cause your potential life partner to call off the wedding, then you owe it to the both of you, to give your partner the option of making an informed decision.
Love may be blind, but personal inabilities to accept partners fully and completely can force eyes open to the unpleasantness of a broken engagement.
It is better to find out all about all of your "I don'ts", before saying that most important "I do".
That will give you the best chances that when you answer "I do" to "to have and to hold, until death do you part" you can actually mean it and stick too it through the good times and bad.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Strings Attached and Dating
Strings Attached Dating
By Frank Kermit
It is important to be grateful for everything you have, and everything that others do for you.
Having gratitude reminds each of us to be thankful for elements in our life that we may likely take for granted.
During troubling times in our life, gratitude is a reminder of how things could be worse, and helps people keep a sense of perspective, which helps many individuals from being overwhelmed by life challenges.
Gratitude, and the act of being grateful is a good thing.
However, like any good thing, it is a matter of context, and even gratitude can be turned into something negative in our love lives if we are not careful.
In my practice, I sometimes see good people being manipulated because their own gratitude has been used against them.
A typical example is that the person is dating someone, and the partner does something for the person.
Person expresses gratitude, and then the partner reveals that the giving-act has a price (an expectation) that was not previously disclosed.
What can end up happening is that the person who was grateful, may now feel pressured into giving into to the expectations (now demands) of the partner, partly out of guilt, and partly out of wanting to show appreciation for the giving act he or she is grateful for.
When it comes to dating, we all bring expectations to the table.
There is nothing wrong with having a price attached to what you want to give in a relationship. In fact, having a price for what you offer translates to having boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself, your needs and is necessary for you to communicate to others how you want to be treated.
That is not the issue.
The issue is when people do not communicate their expectations (their price) for a giving-act BEFORE taking action.
There can be no assuming that someone sees an exchange in dating, or attaches the same values that you do, to any particular action.
If the two of you have not discussed the expectations going forward, never assume anything has any deeper meaning to your partner, as it might for you.
If you have expectations of your partner based on certain actions, express them before you do the actions.
Otherwise, you may end up using the gratitude your partner feels towards you as a weapon of manipulation. It may not even be your intent to do so, but that is what you are doing, and it is wrong.
Do you expect your partner to commitment to you if you have sex? Do you expect your partner to give up other dating options if you introduce your partner to your family? Do you expect your partner to continue to see other people, as you intend, until there is a formal engagement or marriage proposal? Do you expect your partner to tolerate any of your inappropriate attitudes and behaviors, because of the way you take care of him or her? Do you expect that your partner will make your needs a priority if you shower your partner with gifts?
Trying to guilt anyone into agreeing to give you something in exchange for your thoughtfulness is not ethical, because it is robbing that person of a proper choice in the matter.
If you have any strings attached to what you do in dating, be clear and let that person know what your strings are to ensure that neither of you end up unintentionally trying to manipulate one another.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
- Published on
Single on New Years Eve
Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolutions
For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
Stop-Wasting-Time.
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Being Single Can Be Like Winning The Lottery
Being Single is Just Like Winning The Lottery
By Frank Kermit
Updated March 3, 2018
The topic to be discussed is why are so many people still single when we live in a time when there are more ways than ever to meet someone to have a meaningful satisfying loving relationship.
Many years ago, a student of mine asked me the same question of why some people are still single; given all the different ways someone can meet a potential relationship partner. Here is what I told him.
In modern times, being single is just like winning the lottery.
When you are single, you have lots and lots of choices. You can choose to date casually, or seek a serious partner. You can wait or you can rush in.
You can date whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can have sex, or you can abstain.
You can seek out someone to create and parent children with you, or you can seek to have a child on your own. You can choose to use protection and remain childfree if you really want. You can date people of any faith, any culture, any race, and any gender.
You can choose to get married, get engaged, just live with someone...or never get that serious. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
When you win the big lottery, you have lots of and lots of choices.
You can choose to go on major spending sprees, or seek a serious financial planner. You can hold off claiming the winnings and get your plans in order, or you can claim it and rush to make purchases.
You can share your money with whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can invest or you can abstain from investing.
You can seek out partners to create business ventures together. You can let the money sit in the bank and never spend it if you choose to be minimalist if you really want.
You can choose to buy a house, a new car, a collection of assets, or never get into any sort of purchasing. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
The people who end up broke and in worse debt than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in worse situations by wasting time with bad relationship partner choices.
Neither of them have life management skills (in finance and romance) nor did either of them take the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
The people who end up financially stable and even richer than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in the best possible situations by making the most of their time with good relationship partner choices.
The both had life management skills (in finance and romance) and they made the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
If you are single and you want to stop being so, take the time to learn about who you are, what you want out of life, and to figure out who would be the best relationship partner for you.
A successful romantic future is just like a successful financial future; it comes down to making the right investment and managing it for life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Deadlines
Dating Deadlines
By Frank Kermit
Sometimes, the only way to move forward in a relationship is to set a deadline.
Setting a deadline when you are dating someone is a way to find out exact how serious someone is about continuing to be with you, and how ready someone is to move your relationship to the next level.
If you have a life plan and feel that you are running out of time because your partner seems like he or she is dragging their heels, asking them for a deadline for when they will make a move may be a good idea.
Dating deadlines are usually related to a couple setting a specific date to move into the next level of commitment in the hierarchy of relationships.
It can mean going from causal dating to a more serious relationship, living separately to living together, going from dating to an engagement, and a deadline to go from engagement to marriage, and to trying to get pregnant.
A deadline can also be about non-relational situations such as buying or selling an asset, and even deciding when to move to another area or city.
In some of the more complex situations I have seen in my practice, it may even involve asking a partner to give up seeing someone else in order to fully focus and commit to the relationship.
If you are thinking about setting a dating deadline, because you suspect your partner is consciously or unconsciously dragging heels about a certain move forward within the relationship, be sure to involve that person in naming the deadline date.
It is always best to let the person who is holding back, to set the date of the deadline.
The key is to let that person pick a deadline he or she feels comfortable with meeting. Then give that person the space he or she needs to meet that deadline.
This will accomplish exactly what you need:
An environment of support and trust that gives your partner everything necessary to meet the deadline without added pressure.
If your partner meets the deadline, you will have moved forward in the relationship together.
If your partner has not met the deadline, and there were no other mitigating circumstances to blame, your partner has no excuse for not meeting the deadline.
Your partner not meeting the deadline is the outward sign you may need to end the relationship.
There was one couple I distinctly remember from my practice that had set a dating deadline that by a certain date, there were to be married.
On what would have been their wedding day, there were still not married (not even close to the planning stages of a wedding), and they decided to come in for a coaching session together to figure out why it had not happened.
A deadline not met should often be seen as a red flag.
However, it does not need to automatically declare the end of a relationship.
In some cases, an unmet deadline can also be the push necessary to start a path of personal growth and healing, to get your relationship where you want it to be.
Frank Kermit
