- Published on
How To Set Up a Single Party
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
How to Host A Singles Party
By Frank Kermit
I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet.
Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives. This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different. When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it. Here is what you need to do:
Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting. A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with. Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given.
The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with.
The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character.
As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out. (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests).
In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced.
The result? We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests. No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list.
Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending.
The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties.
How’s that for success?
So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date.
Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love.
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
How to Host A Singles Party
By Frank Kermit
I hear people starting to plan anti-Valentine’s Day Parties because they and many of the people around them happen to be single. Many of these people wouldn’t be single on Valentine’s Day (V-Day) if they would all agree to date someone who already likes them (like the friend who asked them out, but got rejected). Alas, people are complicated as perhaps some of them actually enjoy the other name for V-day: Single Awareness Day (SAD).
With that said, I would like to suggest to anyone hosting an anti-V-Day party that you and your guests need not get stuck on SAD. There is a way to turn your anti-V-Day party into the best kind of singles meet-n-greet.
Many years ago, when I began my personal journey to understanding dating and relationships, I connected with a new circle friends that acted like a support group for one another. We all had a common goal. We wanted better love lives. This group of stellar friends and I decided to put together a singles party, but how we organized it was a little different. When we started to invite others to this singles party, we had very specific and peculiar rules that seemed odd at first, but once people understood the premise, they were into it. Here is what you need to do:
Establish a core group of people that will be doing the inviting. A point person, who is in charge of the guest list, is assigned for everyone to check in with. Each person is only allowed to bring 1 guest, possibly 2; depending on what information the point person has been given.
The rule was, each group member who was single, had to bring someone to the party of the opposite gender, that he or she wasn’t dating. Meaning a man could bring his a female friend that he rejected, or who rejected him, a girl he once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-girlfriend that he remains on good terms with. Each woman would have to bring a male friend that she rejected, or who rejected her, a guy that she once dated but is no longer seeing, or even a serious ex-boyfriend that she remains on good terms with.
The goal is to end up with an even number of men and woman, who are all single, who are all interested in meeting new people, and who all know at least one person at the party that will vouch for them in terms of character.
As each guest confirms, the core member informs the point person who accepts the invitation, or who places it on hold until more people accept invitations to keep the numbers evened out. (This works better when all of the original core members are of the same gender, as it is easier to balance the numbers and the guests).
In the event, that a person’s guest backs out of coming at the last minute, the core member is also not permitted to attend the singles party, all in order to keep the numbers fairly balanced.
The result? We were a group of about 20 guys that organized a singles party with about 20 girls as guests. No one left the party early because the ratio of men and women were about equal, and it was a safe way to meet new people, because everyone there was part of a strict invitation list.
Also, the nature of it being an openly announced singles party, and the process and efforts made to keep the numbers balanced, created anticipation in the guests attending.
The plan was to hold a singles party like that once a month, but after a couple of months, there simply wasn’t any motivation. At that point, many of the original party founders had started dating and getting into relationships with people that they had met through the first two parties.
How’s that for success?
So if you and your friends are planning an anti-V-Day party, or if you and your 5 best friends of the same gender were planning on drowning your sorrows that weekend, perhaps you might all put your own egos on the shelf for one night, and try hosting a singles party with the aim of setting up one of your friends with someone that you couldn’t date.
Helping others find love helps them to help you to find love.
To learn more about how to manage your social circles, please check out:
HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK
- Published on
Age Gap Relationship Interview Collection
Age Gap Relationship aka May December Relationships
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
are more and more common.
Older men and Younger women,
or older women and younger men,
the stigmas are slowly slipping away.
Here are some media interviews on the topics of people dating 10 years older,
dating 10 years younger, dating 15 years older, 9
years older, or 20 years older or younger.
Age Gap Relationships
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
The STUPH FILE Program, Episode #0251, Original Air Date: June 6 2014
Peter Anthony Holder interviews Frank Kermit about Age Gap Relationships. This is Frank's 6th appearance on the show.
May-December, Age Gap Relationships
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Passion - Age Gap Relationships
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on the Montreal radio show PASSION hosted by Dr. Laurie Betito, a Psychologist with a specialty in Sex Therapy. This show, "PASSION", has soared to take the number one position in its time slot, and it is the only show of its kind on Montreal airwaves. It airs on CJAD 800. This 16th Dating Dilemmas show features Frank and Dr. Laurie talking about May-December Relationships aka Age Gap Relationships
- Published on
Dating With Mental Illness Interview
Part of Bell Let's Talk
Dating Dilemmas 78, this is Frank Kermit's 119th appearance on the Passion radio program. Airs on Montreal CJAD 800 's and Toronto Newstalk 1010 CFRB. Frank Kermit joins producer and host Dr Laurie Betito and Fritz-Gerald of Elite Speed Dating to talk about the Dating Dilemmas people face.
How do you tell the person you dating that you have a mental illness?
Should you hold off from dating if you have a mental illness?
What if your partner starts to exhibit signs of mental illness?
Should you talk about it during speed dating?
- Published on
Dating a Man With Kids, and Penguin Stuff
Dating a Man With Kids, and Stuff About Penguins
By Avi Tanny
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"
This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.
I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.
To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.
Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at avitanny@hotmail.com
By Avi Tanny
"Sorry I'm really not looking for that level of commitment right now"
This was a reply on one of the dating apps I was using (I was honest about being a father).
I really liked what the person said. Honest and to the point.
I decided to create some questions/criteria of my own for dating.
To me there are four basic questions when it comes to dating:
1) What am I offering?
2) What is my date offering?
3) Do we have specific common interests?
4) Is it appropriate to throw pebbles when choosing a mate ( like penguins do)?
Dating can be a real challenge when you are a single father, a young professional or a penguin. Did you know penguins throw pebbles at each other as a mating ritual? I'm not advocating pebble throwing but I think it is more effective then Tinder. I wonder which penguin came up with that idea? Couldn’t they have just pushed, shook wings or something?
As a single father you have to think about the future and whom you want around your children. Has the person taken care of children on a regular basis? If she is a single mom, what happened in the relationship? Are you going to be able to take on the added responsibilities of raising other children?
My problem is chronic tiredness (and male pattern baldness, but one thing at a time). When it's 7 pm I'm on a date and I already feel like dozing off that's not gonna impress anyone. However, if the person has been raising children for a few years they may be in a similar boat. Which is a specific common interest.
Going on a breakfast date may solve that problem.
However, unless they have poutine I'm not a breakfast person.
The question I'm often asked is where do you see yourself in five years?
Likely as a 35 year old adult male, probably with a bad haircut, overweight,
and with terrible dad breath (I'm not sure why we didn't go on a second date).
To me dating is really a drawn out interrogation. The best way around that is too make up some complete nonsense about yourself. For example, you are a direct descendant of AL Capone. Make sure to provide slight details. My great uncle was married to his mother ( not bad?) If the date fails at least you gave her a story to tell.
The important part is to have fun and try to create a friendship, and if that fails, eat somewhere decent.
I always try to avoid alcohol on a first date because alcohol often leads to children.
Top trick : if the date isn't going well have a pre programmed code with the babysitter to bail you out. This is proven to work for me.
In conclusion: At the end of the day it's about what makes you happy. You may go on many dates until you find the right person but make sure you have at least some common ground. Base your views on actually spending time with the person (and their children) before making any decisions.
Perhaps you've been wasting so much time on dating apps you forgot that maybe you should be part of a community. Volunteer? Get together with old friends? Pretend to be vegan? Start a new religion?
Life is good! Think of ways to make it better.
I wouldn't recommend the pebble idea because do you really want a family the size of a penguin family? Have you ever seen only one penguin? I rest my case.
The role of fathers is starting to change in a tremendous way. They even started recreating New Balance shoes to look less bland.
Always look for the good in people and if you can't find it, observe penguins because penguins are pretty awesome.
Please feel free to provide feedback and phone numbers. Very little offends me. Except plastic on furniture, toothpaste after orange juice and pineapples on pizza.
Avi Tanny is a single father, occasional comedian, and full time hater of pineapples on pizza. You can reach him at avitanny@hotmail.com
- Published on
Remembering Frank Kermode
"It is one of the great charms of books that they have to end."
- Frank Kermode (1919-2010)
Help for Bereavement
- Published on
Socializing With An Autistic Person
Socializing With An Autistic Person : Things to keep in mind
by Remrov
Published February 3, 2017, and Updated March 31, 2018
My name is Remrov and I have classic autism.
When I write about autism I always start by saying that no autistic person is the same, but we do have a lot of difficulties in common. More and more people are diagnosed with autism lately. I believe that this is not because there are more autistic people than twenty years ago, but there’s a lot more knowledge about it, so it's recognized a lot easier.
I see it as a good thing that more people are being diagnosed, because they don’t have to go through life wondering why everything is such a struggle for them, like I have been doing the first twenty-one years of my life.
There's a big chance that you have, or will have, an autistic person in your social network, and when socializing with that person it is good to keep a few things in mind.
Socializing in the first place can be very difficult for autistic people. This has a few different reasons.
The first reason is communicating. Communicating doesn’t go automatically with many autistic people. Many of us are image thinkers. In our minds we have to translate spoken words into images, so that we understand what you are saying. When we communicate back to you we have to do the same. This can take some time, and it's also tiring. It’s good to have a bit more patience when talking to an autistic person.
Another reason why socializing can be difficult is sensory sensitivity. Many autistic people struggle with sensory issues. All kinds of sensory input from our environment come in extremely hard and all at the same time. We can't filter out sensory information that is important to us. Every detail of sensory input is just as important, and processing everything all at once can be extremely overwhelming.
Let me take a dinner party as an example:
A dinner party is something that I haven’t been part of very often, because I find it too difficult. During a dinner party there can be many people present. And the more people there are, the more conversations go on at the same time. When I’m in a big group, it's almost impossible to have a conversation myself. I hear all the other conversations just as loud, and I can’t filter out the voice of the person I am talking too.
In a situation like this you might notice that an autistic person won’t say anything, or won’t interact with anybody. This is not because we don’t want to have a conversation, but it’s too difficult for many of us.
It's good to be aware of this and try to keep your voices down a bit, or to have only one conversation with the whole group, in which the autistic person can participate.
The location of a dinner party is also important.
If it’s at somebody’s home, we don’t have to worry about many other noises than the ones the people make at the dinner table.
A dinner party in a restaurant on the other hand, will be more chaotic because there are many other people having conversations as well. In situations like this it might be a good idea to invite an autistic person to go outside for example, to have a conversation one on one.
Another thing to keep in mind is that many autistic people take language very literally.
During parties people often like to joke or to use metaphors. You might notice that an autistic person is the only one not laughing when a joke is made, or that he or she will take a metaphor too literally. A good thing is to take this under consideration and to adapt your use of language a bit.
One other thing that is very important to know is that many autistic people don’t like to be touched. Tapping people on the shoulder, tickling, splashing water -- things that can be funny for many people, but can be very agonizing for an autistic person, and a reason to get upset.
There are also autistic people who will pretend they liked it because they want to fit in, but nonetheless they definitely don't enjoy it. It's good to take this under consideration and not do this to an autistic person.
Autistic people want to be part of things; they want to have friends and fun like everybody else. But some adaptations need to be made. If everybody understands this and takes this under consideration, a party can be fun for everybody and autistic people can participate instead of staying at home.
by Remrov
Published February 3, 2017, and Updated March 31, 2018
My name is Remrov and I have classic autism.
When I write about autism I always start by saying that no autistic person is the same, but we do have a lot of difficulties in common. More and more people are diagnosed with autism lately. I believe that this is not because there are more autistic people than twenty years ago, but there’s a lot more knowledge about it, so it's recognized a lot easier.
I see it as a good thing that more people are being diagnosed, because they don’t have to go through life wondering why everything is such a struggle for them, like I have been doing the first twenty-one years of my life.
There's a big chance that you have, or will have, an autistic person in your social network, and when socializing with that person it is good to keep a few things in mind.
Socializing in the first place can be very difficult for autistic people. This has a few different reasons.
The first reason is communicating. Communicating doesn’t go automatically with many autistic people. Many of us are image thinkers. In our minds we have to translate spoken words into images, so that we understand what you are saying. When we communicate back to you we have to do the same. This can take some time, and it's also tiring. It’s good to have a bit more patience when talking to an autistic person.
Another reason why socializing can be difficult is sensory sensitivity. Many autistic people struggle with sensory issues. All kinds of sensory input from our environment come in extremely hard and all at the same time. We can't filter out sensory information that is important to us. Every detail of sensory input is just as important, and processing everything all at once can be extremely overwhelming.
Let me take a dinner party as an example:
A dinner party is something that I haven’t been part of very often, because I find it too difficult. During a dinner party there can be many people present. And the more people there are, the more conversations go on at the same time. When I’m in a big group, it's almost impossible to have a conversation myself. I hear all the other conversations just as loud, and I can’t filter out the voice of the person I am talking too.
In a situation like this you might notice that an autistic person won’t say anything, or won’t interact with anybody. This is not because we don’t want to have a conversation, but it’s too difficult for many of us.
It's good to be aware of this and try to keep your voices down a bit, or to have only one conversation with the whole group, in which the autistic person can participate.
The location of a dinner party is also important.
If it’s at somebody’s home, we don’t have to worry about many other noises than the ones the people make at the dinner table.
A dinner party in a restaurant on the other hand, will be more chaotic because there are many other people having conversations as well. In situations like this it might be a good idea to invite an autistic person to go outside for example, to have a conversation one on one.
Another thing to keep in mind is that many autistic people take language very literally.
During parties people often like to joke or to use metaphors. You might notice that an autistic person is the only one not laughing when a joke is made, or that he or she will take a metaphor too literally. A good thing is to take this under consideration and to adapt your use of language a bit.
One other thing that is very important to know is that many autistic people don’t like to be touched. Tapping people on the shoulder, tickling, splashing water -- things that can be funny for many people, but can be very agonizing for an autistic person, and a reason to get upset.
There are also autistic people who will pretend they liked it because they want to fit in, but nonetheless they definitely don't enjoy it. It's good to take this under consideration and not do this to an autistic person.
Autistic people want to be part of things; they want to have friends and fun like everybody else. But some adaptations need to be made. If everybody understands this and takes this under consideration, a party can be fun for everybody and autistic people can participate instead of staying at home.
Below are two youtube videos that Remrov produced:
Remrov is an autistic savant and self-taught artist who makes photorealistic pencil drawings of everything he finds interesting, mainly animals. Because of his autism he sees the whole world in tiny little details. His drawings tend to be this way too, very precise and detailed. Besides being an artist, Remrov also devotes his time on raising awareness and understanding about autism. In 2015 he started making videos in which he shares his experiences and talks about many different topics related to autism. Remrov also gives presentations about autism on a regular basis, and people can hire him for a consult. Remrov’s goal is to pass on everything he has learned and everything that helped him to other autistic people and their families, and everybody else interested in the topic.
If you like to see Remrov’s drawings, please visit his website: www.remrovsartwork.com
If you like to learn more about the services Remrov provides, please visit this website: www.remrovsautism.weebly.com
- Published on
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved.
Dear Readers, welcome to my 24th book.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise.
This volume is a little different.
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
-Frank
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise.
This volume is a little different.
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
-Frank
- Published on
never say I love you quotes
Dating 8 Months No I Love You
By Frank Kermit
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.
There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect. They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”. That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.
The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.
If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner. The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love.
Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.
There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect. They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”. That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.
The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.
If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner. The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love.
Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
Non-Verbal Communication Has Limits
The Limits of Non-Verbal Communication
by Frank Kermit
No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.
If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.
Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).
This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.
There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.
The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.
The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.
As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.
So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.
Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.
by Frank Kermit
No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.
If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.
Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).
This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.
There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.
The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.
The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.
As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.
So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.
Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.
- Published on
This is a contributed post.
restart your marriage https://pixabay.com/en/couple-hands-holding-hands-man-1845334/
You did the unthinkable. You betrayed your partner and embarked on an affair. In the beginning, it was exciting and made you feel alive again. But over time it just felt sordid, and eventually, your partner found out. They are devastated, and your relationship is shattered. You realize your mistake and just want to make things right again. Is it possible to rebuild a relationship after an affair?
The simple answer to this question is yes. It is possible, and some couples do survive betrayal. However, it is a long and difficult process, and not all relationships make it.
Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Relationships rely on trust, and when this is broken, it’s as though the foundation has shifted. Each partner must address the issues that led to the betrayal and work through them. This can be difficult to navigate alone as it brings up many uncomfortable feelings. To ensure that communications don’t break down, couples therapy can help. It allows each partner to share their feelings and their place in the relationship in a safe environment.
This is an opportunity for both partners to look at their role in the relationship, how they relate to one another, and to understand how the other is feeling. Often this begins with some inner soul-searching and exploring whether they are able to commit to the relationship again and make the necessary changes.
For the partner who has embarked on the affair, they must understand that this will not be a quick process. They must prove their fidelity and trustworthiness to their partner over and over again.
Taking Responsibility
During the process of rebuilding, each partner must take responsibility for their own behavior. The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, understand the reasons that this came about, and admit their wrongdoing. They must be certain that this will not occur again and take steps with their partner to change the circumstances which led to the affair.
Reassure
After an affair, the wronged partner is likely to feel vulnerable and insecure. They may not admit to this and may show it through anger and rejection. Therefore, their partner must take steps to reassure them. This is something they will have to do for some time. In addition, any new promises that are made must be kept. So it is important to be absolutely clear about this. Don’t promise anything you’re unlikely to keep.
Cheating Doesn’t Have To Result In A Breakup
Cheating doesn’t always end a marriage or relationship. It is possible to work through things and emerge stronger than before. However, it takes hard work and a serious commitment from both parties. It also takes a certain amount of resilience to believe that as a couple you are strong enough to weather this. There will be difficult patches, and it certainly won’t be plain sailing. But, if you can hold on and work together, you may find that a new relationship is created; one that is built on a greater understanding of each other and results in a renewed sense of trust.
The simple answer to this question is yes. It is possible, and some couples do survive betrayal. However, it is a long and difficult process, and not all relationships make it.
Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and patience. Relationships rely on trust, and when this is broken, it’s as though the foundation has shifted. Each partner must address the issues that led to the betrayal and work through them. This can be difficult to navigate alone as it brings up many uncomfortable feelings. To ensure that communications don’t break down, couples therapy can help. It allows each partner to share their feelings and their place in the relationship in a safe environment.
This is an opportunity for both partners to look at their role in the relationship, how they relate to one another, and to understand how the other is feeling. Often this begins with some inner soul-searching and exploring whether they are able to commit to the relationship again and make the necessary changes.
For the partner who has embarked on the affair, they must understand that this will not be a quick process. They must prove their fidelity and trustworthiness to their partner over and over again.
Taking Responsibility
During the process of rebuilding, each partner must take responsibility for their own behavior. The betrayer must acknowledge their actions, understand the reasons that this came about, and admit their wrongdoing. They must be certain that this will not occur again and take steps with their partner to change the circumstances which led to the affair.
Reassure
After an affair, the wronged partner is likely to feel vulnerable and insecure. They may not admit to this and may show it through anger and rejection. Therefore, their partner must take steps to reassure them. This is something they will have to do for some time. In addition, any new promises that are made must be kept. So it is important to be absolutely clear about this. Don’t promise anything you’re unlikely to keep.
Cheating Doesn’t Have To Result In A Breakup
Cheating doesn’t always end a marriage or relationship. It is possible to work through things and emerge stronger than before. However, it takes hard work and a serious commitment from both parties. It also takes a certain amount of resilience to believe that as a couple you are strong enough to weather this. There will be difficult patches, and it certainly won’t be plain sailing. But, if you can hold on and work together, you may find that a new relationship is created; one that is built on a greater understanding of each other and results in a renewed sense of trust.
