- Published on
Seek a life partner that has a compatible life plan to yours
Planning the rest of your life together
by Frank Kermit
When I sit down with a couple for Pre Marital Coaching,
which is working with a couple who are getting ready
to move to the next step in their relationship,
one of the questions I always ask them is
what do they have planned for the rest of their lives together?
Whether you are
moving in together
buying property together
having a child together
getting married
getting engaged
one of the key elements towards success
is having a life plan
and then checking to make sure
that your individual life plans
are actually compatible.
I have seen couples, who were very much in love
but had very incompatible life plans.
Where one person wanted 2 children in the next 5 years
and the other did not want children at all.
Where one person wanted to eventually move to Japan
and the other person wanted to move to Brazil
Where one person wanted to retire together to Florida
and the other person refused ever stop working
Where one person needed to spend the next 4 years
traveling to a different continent for a unique and specific
graduate education in a niche industry
and the other person was running out of time
to start a family
So, if you want to have a successful marriage
that will last long term
and withstand the status of separation and divorce
get your life plan in order.
Know what you need to know for your life plan
and find a partner that has a life plan that is compatible with yours.
- Published on
Ex-Lovers and Wedding Guest List
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
by Frank Kermit, Updated on March 2, 2018
During my couples coaching sessions,
one of the topics of discussion that tends to come up
is the wedding list of guests.
One of the questions I ask is:
Have either one of you had an intimate relationship with any guests,
that your partner (the one who is marrying you)
does not know about?
I think the majority of couples would be surprised by just
how often it turns out that some of the wedding guests
turn out to be secret past lovers of either member of the couple
getting married, that the other partner did not know.
What turns out to be worse, is when that secret lover,
actually made it to the actual wedding party
(either a bridesmaid, or an usher/groomsman)
Sometimes, having someone who has a sexual past
with a wedding partner attend your wedding as a guest
can be taken as an insult to the other wedding partner.
Usually, the invitation of a past lover
to a wedding can be handled,
but it is the secretive nature of the information
that causes the bigger issue.
The other partner starts to wonder
what other information has not been volunteered
that will continued to be "hidden" until the correct
direction question is asked.
That is no way to start a wedding guest list.
As a general rule, ex-lovers and weddings do not mix.
And in the event one of your secret ex-lovers
has been invited to your wedding
make sure you TELL YOUR PARTNER
The worst thing that can happen,
is that the information is reveal
at the wedding, when everyone is celebrating
and secrets come out unintentionally.
It is a time people become emotionally,
and sometimes intoxicated,
which always spells trouble for secret-keeping.
I have seen this happen from direct experience
and those of my client base.
Plan for your wedding to be spectacular, not a spectacle.
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
- Published on
Coping with Loss at a Wedding
Remembering the Dead at a Wedding
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes, couples who marry want to do something
at the wedding in memory of the people who passed away.
This happens, especially when the death was recent.
At my wedding, my wife and I did a little ceremony at the reception
where we lit a candle and read an inscription, announcing it was
in memory of various relatives that had died, who would have
wanted to attend. It was very short, but it did bring us come
comfort, and it was also comforting to some of the attendees
who were still in mourning.
We all cope with loss differently.
It is important for the wedding couple to also remember,
that not everyone will appreciate your efforts
to pay tribute to your lost loved ones.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make,
is they try to tell someone else that how they grieve is wrong.
For example, this story is of a wedding I attended:
A father dies a few months before his son is set to be married.
At the wedding, a special tribute is made in honor of the late father.
The groom and his mom dance to a song that was in memory of his dad.
All the guests were invited on the dance floor to circle them.
Then it happened...
at one point, the groom and his mom started to cry a little.
It was not a hysterical cry at all, but the tears were evident.
Everyone around them formed into a circle continued to move to the music.
...except one man.
He started to raise his voice to tell the DJ to stop the music.
He was an uncle in the family, and felt that the song and tribute
was making them cry and that it was wrong.
So he made a fool of himself trying to stop the tribute.
Luckily, the DJ and the rest of the guests ignored him.
The uncle was not comfortable with seeing, or dealing with, grief.
He tried to "protect" everyone else from grief as well.
That was the worst thing he could have done, and lucky for
everyone at the wedding, the DJ was smart enough not to listen to him.
Make sure that you let the DJ, or other wedding professionals involved know about any potential trouble-makers, and let the wedding professionals also know exactly what your wishes are
in case a wedding guest decides to act out.
If you can predict who might be the kind of person to act out,
at your wedding,
it might be a good idea to let that person know ahead of time
what you are planning.
This is not about getting that person's permission.
It is more about letting that person know,
so the shock of surprise
in combination of the grief and mourning
does not motivate that person
into doing something
that will turn your wedding
from spectacular
to a spectacle.
-Frank Kermit
Couples Coach
If you are a couple that wants to get more serious but are worried you will end up divorced, or an individual trying to figure out if you have found the right person, consider signing up for my 12-hour pre-marriage coaching program.
Sign Up For Coaching
- Published on
Learn To Dance For a Wedding
Look Stunning and Surprise Your Guests
by Patty Contenta (Guest Blogger)
It wasn’t so long ago that a couple’s first dance,
as special as it was, was only an effervescent memory
– a fact that was no small blessing for couples
who didn’t know how to dance.
Now with the advent of recording technologies,
a newlywed couple’s first dance is almost always
recorded for viewing through the years.
Here are some points you’ll need to know
to make your wedding dance the best memory ever!
Don’t wait until the last minute:
Remember that your schedule will get very hectic
as your wedding day approaches.
Dance instructors recommend starting six to eight months earlier
to allow more time for practice,
especially if you are a newcomer to dancing.
All dances are popular at weddings:
Besides the Waltz and other traditional dances,
the Mambo, Salsa, Swing and even the Hustle
are all popular at weddings today.
Do you wish to use a special song for your first dance?
If you plan to dance to a special song at your reception,
feel free to bring a recording of it to your dance lessons
so you can work on it with your teacher.
Don’t forget to coordinate with your wedding videographer
to get the best “coverage” of your special dance.
Remember that dance lessons
can actually be a stress reliever:
Dancing is good exercise.
And, dance lessons pull you out of the hustle and bustle of the day
allowing you to spend time with your intended,
having fun and working together productively at the same time.
Learning a new skill that you can use together for a lifetime.
Learning to dance for your wedding is a special gift
that you and your fiance can give to each other.
Feeling confident and poised when you dance together
will ensure that your first dance together
as a married couple will be a memory you will cherish forever.
Hope to see you at a dance studio.
They have a team of great teachers
that will ensure you have a fun and easy experience!
In Joy and Enjoy!
Patty Contenta
www.SensualitySecrets.com
- Published on
A Broken Engagement
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
is Better Than a Happy Divorce
By Frank Kermit
One of the ironies of couples counseling that I often find myself doing is taking the couple through the pre-marital coaching process when they may already be at the end of their relationship. I often ask them questions about their expectations about where they would have wanted their relationship to go, that are the same questions that couples who are ABOUT to get serious need to be asking.
Sadly, many couples get committed sooner than they should without having some much needed conversations. These include, the desire to have children together and taking into account any children that either person already has from previous relationships, the financial management of the new family, past mental health issues that could resurface, where you would live if you had to suddenly move from your current city, how you want your remains dealt with at the end of your life, and all the things you current do not like, but tolerate in your new partner that you HOPE will change.
These also include any past life issues that the new partner should be aware of such as any past trauma that could impact their future together, a criminal record, past bankruptcy, and anything incriminating that someone else may have on you that could become an issue (such as ex-lovers having potentially embarrassing and explicit photos and videos of you).
It does happen that when couples go for pre-martial coaching they end up coming to the conclusion that they should not be together after all and cancel the engagement (whether an official engagement, or an emotional one).
The purpose of pre-martial coaching is not to break couples up, but to build a solid foundation for the future relationship (parenting, marriage, common law, or de facto spouse). In the process of asking hard questions, it may come to their attention (and surprise) that the couple finds they simply have too many irreconcilable differences that would eventually end their union. This is a horribly sad time for the couple, as well as, anyone around them who share in their pain.
However, I am here to tell you that a broken engagement is far better than going through a happy and amicable divorce. Marriage (or any serious long term commitment) takes work. It is not always going to be easy. There will be times, even in the best of couples, that one or both of you may feel that being together was a mistake (shhh!! It is a secret that no one wants you to know!) It is normal to question your choice.
It is not about how much you love someone. It is more about how you get along. Contrary to what romantic entertainment would have you think: real couples, in real life relationships, have real hardships, and real doubts. It is those couples that can separate the passing doubts that can be worked through from the irreconcilable differences in values that bring about breaks up and divorce, who stand the best chance for long term relationship success.
If you are engaged to be married, but are having seriously strong doubts that you do not think are going to pass, hold off getting serious or call it off. When in serious doubt, stay out. If nothing else, pre-marital coaching will teach you that it will take everything you have to keep it together long term and in that, there is no doubt.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Asking The Hard Questions
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When trying to decide if you should be committed to someone, moving in with someone, getting engaged, and getting married, each new transition brings about the unpleasant task of asking the hard questions.
Romance is a wonderful thing; the passion, the anticipation, the fantasy, the hope, the sex, the titillating drama of starting something new can all encompass you like a drug, and takes you on an emotional journey of escapism. There is nothing quite like the roller coaster of dismal low points, and peak climaxes.
However, once that is out of the way, the real relationship begins, and so too the asking of the hard questions. This is especially true if you are getting married. Getting married is more than just planning a wedding day. You are choosing a person to build a future with which likely includes major financial investments (home/vehicle), sharing resources, supporting any particular lifestyle, and possibly children. Sounds unromantic? You bet it is. Asking the hard questions is about making sure that you know what you are getting yourself into and that if there is any reason you would not marry someone for, that you ask the hard question directly.
Each of us has our particular limits as to what we can be open minded about. Each of us draws that line differently. In my practice I have met individuals and couples that draw the line in a variety of places of what they would and would not accept. What one person simply deems completely unacceptable is nothing more than a minor footnote in the criteria of another person.
The key is to find a life partner that loves the good that you bring to the relationship, and can accept the bad that comes with the baggage as well. Once you have that, you have a good opportunity to build the kind of relationship foundation necessary to manage the storms of life that ransack long term relationship success. That is why it is important to ask the hard questions before going through with any promoting of your relationship to the next level.
Here are some examples of hard questions to ask someone that you are about to marry:
Have you ever been legally charged with something?
Have you ever been convicted, and or do you have a record?
What is your credit rating and what is your financial history?
What is your sexual history?
Have you had sex with anyone that is going to be invited to the wedding?
Did you have sex with someone that would make me not marry you (like a family member of mine)?
Is your family in support of your change in relationship status with me?
What is your history regarding metal health?
Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?
Have you ever done anything in your past that might come to haunt us (or our children)?
What dark secrets of your past could one of your ex-lovers and ex friends share about you?
Did you ever have a child that was given up for adoption that could try to locate you someday?
Is there anyone that may want to seek revenge on you and your family that I need to know about?
For some people, the "wrong" answers to any of those questions are enough to call off the wedding. For others, there is no wrong answer to any of those questions, and it is just a matter of knowing the full story. Just keep in mind that whatever questions you choose to ask your fiancé, is likely also going to be a questions your fiancé will ask you. It swings both ways.
I often get asked what if a person lies to you when you ask these questions. The truth is, just asking the hard questions will not guarantee that you will get the truth.
A liar is a liar is a liar. However, TIME always works against a perpetual liar as the repeating behavior pattern makes it near impossible to keep a web of lies intact, as more lies are spun to re-enforce the previous lies. The sign you are with a perpetual liar is that they lie about too many things, and start getting caught on little things, that eventually affect their credibility on the big things. I have found this comes up in my practice when one of the couple happens to be an addict, and the other partner finds out because of the number of inconsistencies that arise when the addicted partner tries to cover up the drug use.
If you are too afraid to ask certain questions, or feel the need to refuse to answer certain questions, a last resort that you may be able to use is the "Ultimate List Exercise".
This exercise involves each person in the couple to write out a list of Ultimate Personal Deal-breakers.
Also known as the "I would not marry you if..." list, a partner lists every conceivable realistic reason that he or she would not marry their partner. Then the partners switch lists. If you read something on your partner's list that applies to you, you have the opportunity to call off the wedding and break the engagement, without having to reveal which deal breaker you violated. In this manner, you both have the chance to do the right thing, while at the same time, maintain whatever privacy is necessary.
Now, if for whatever reason, you find yourself unable, or unwilling to ask the hard questions or make the lists because you are afraid of losing the relationship, that is a sign you may be in the wrong relationship to begin with. If you are afraid of the answers you might get from the partner you are asking, or you are afraid of the answer you would have to give your partner when he or she asks you the same question, that is a sign that it is not time to get more serious with that person.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Partners Change During Relationships
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When partners change and grow as individuals, it is important for them as individuals to keep in mind that each of their respective growth also needs to be balanced with growing their relationship as well. People change for their own reasons. Very rarely do people change exclusively for their partners. This is a very important key point in choosing a life partner. You do not choose a life partner, based on your belief about how you can change your partner in the future. You choose a life partner for who your partner is today. Think of it as an as-is purchase. If you are sold on the idea of what you plan on turning your partner into, instead of accepting your partner as is, right now in the present moment, flaws and all, then the likelihood of your relationship ending badly have significantly increased.
A relationship is not a fixer-upper. Unlike a material item that you have full control to restore to its original greatness, or make adjustments to bring it up to date, a relationship is with another human being who you do not control like a material possession. A person can only change within the capacity of they have to change, and no amount of nagging, badgering, insults nor threats of abandonment will ever motivate a person to change more than they can.
This is not to say that people do not change. They do. Over the course of a lifespan, people will change. They will go through stages, have new experiences, learn more about themselves, learn more about life, and as their emotional needs change and evolve, so too will their boundaries and where they are willing to compromise. What is currently very important at the beginning of a relationship may no longer be a concern 20 or 30 years into it. By the same token, what was not important at all 20-30 years ago may be exceptionally important today. Even if a couple's core values stay the same over the years, it is still possible that the way each individual in the couple needs to express those values start to conflict. For example, each individual in a couple may hold family values in high regard. However, one partner of the couple accepts a child's lifestyle they do not agree with in the name of upholding and respecting a family value, whereas the other partner would disown the child, claiming it is for the same reason; to uphold and respect a family value, by not being open to a lifestyle they originally disagreed with. Sad, isn't it?
One of the reasons that younger people are encouraged not to get too emotionally committed in relationships is preciously because they are usually in a major flux of personal development and chasing career goals, such that they are changing rapidly over a short period of time, and thus they could be very different people from the day the relationship begins to the day when those changes may cause the relationship to end.
Personal growth can be a wonderful thing, and very necessary for those in the pursuit of happiness and for higher levels of awareness to better understand the world around them. When on such a journey, be mindful that your relationship is not always the curse that is holding you back as some fickle gurus and mentors may claim. Your relationship could always continue to be a source of stability and strength if you let it. Explore ways for you both to change and grow as a couple, because that is part of what the mandate of being in a relationship is. That is what people (sometimes unknowingly) sign up for when they enter a relationship.
People do change over the course of a relationship, however it is rarely in the way the original partners intended, and if they work at it, they can grow together and make their relationship stronger over time.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Relationship Ultimatums
Ultimatums In Love
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Ultimatums can come up in any and all relationships. Even the best relationships can face a crisis point where an ultimatum is necessary and uttered.
Ultimatums are not pleasant, neither for the person issuing it, nor for the person on the receiving end of it.
However, if a relationship can get past the ultimatum, and resolve the crisis point, it can be one of the hurdles that will help the relationship survive into the future.
An ultimatum is NOT a sign that you are with the wrong partner.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum to your partner, it tends to be a sign that you have not communicated your needs and boundaries directly enough.
This is especially the case when the resentment or the desire to make the ultimatum has been brewing for quite some time.
I often find in my practice that those people who fall into the category of "people pleasers" tend to shy away from conflict and then, after the frustration builds up, will explode with anger and ultimatums, in part because, the build up became so overwhelming it was too painful not to deal with their fear of conflict.
If these individuals would have communicated with their partners as the issues came up, instead of shying away from discussing topics that may be momentarily unpleasant, the entire blow up process may have never come to pass.
Some of the more common ultimatums that I see in my practice are with couples that are either struggling to move to the next level of commitment (becoming exclusive, start living together, getting engaged, setting the wedding date, having children) or those couples that are facing some kind of perceived threat (staying in touch with an ex who will not give up trying to rekindle).
However, an ultimatum can be about anything that one partner seriously requires a change with that without complying with said ultimatum, might bring about the desire to end the relationship.
Some couples want a partner to take better care of health issues (like quitting drugs) and others demand a change in lifestyle, and even a move to a completely different home.
The ultimatum itself is actually less important than the way it is communicated.
If you are going to issue an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, be direct, be clear and firm about what you need changed and why it is very important to you.
No screaming, no name calling, no personal attacks.
Start off by telling your partner that you want to set aside some time to talk about something important to you and to schedule it when you feel your partner would be most receptive (such as a Saturday night after a day of rest, instead of a Monday morning just before a big presentation at work).
If you are on the receiving end of an ultimatum, be sure to stay calm, listen, ask questions to be sure you are clear about what your partner needs and why it is important, listen some more, and leave your ego at the door as much as you can.
Even if your partner is not saying it in a way that you are happy about, try to put your compassion for your partner ahead of your offended ego.
When your partner is communicating an ultimatum to you, your partner is in fact acting like your best friend.
Your partner is giving you a full chance to take control of a situation by bringing his or her discontentment to your attention.
This is actually much better than a partner deciding not to confront you, and potentially doing something behind your back out of emotional vengeance, or simply surprising you with a break up, without ever giving your relationship a chance.
That is why you have to be grateful for the ultimatum, even if you despise what you may be hearing.
Now, what if you and your partner have reached an impasse?
What if the ultimatum is about something that you either are not sure is a good idea to agree too, or if it is something that is completely against your value system.
For example, your partner cannot abide any longer having your aging and ill health parent live in the same house as your family, but you do not want to relocate your parent to a special care senior’s residence.
What do you do then, when your values have reached a crisis point of incompatibility?
In situations like this, it is often a good idea to seek out the help of a professional who can offer an objective point of view and can assess if anyone is being unreasonable.
Frank Kermit
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ultimatum resolution
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- Published on
If you are seeking a serious long-term relationship, specifically, a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage and wearing beautiful wedding rings together, you will have to eventually make a choice one-day between your spouse and your friends.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
At some point, you will be faced with a situation where your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse will be in conflict. It is at that point, if you have not already made your parameters clear, you will be forced to do so.
Choosing Between Friends vs Lovers
For that reason, when I work with coaching clients who are single and looking for a life partner, I encourage them to start thinking about what those boundaries would be, and to start defining them now, while single, so that when they do enter into a serious relationship, they are ready to manage their new spouse and their existing friendships.
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
Not everyone has this dilemma. Some people are already well aware of their personal priorities and know exactly where they personally will draw the line. While others, may have never contemplated that there would ever be a conflict between the two sides. Yet there are a few others who simply do not want to even discuss potential conflict resolutions for a variety of reasons.
So here is an example:
You and your spouse have been working very hard on saving up for a down payment on a house. You both work long hours and have sacrificed much to get to the point where you have that 20% down payment ready in order to qualify for a mortgage. Next week, you will seek out a real estate agent and start house hunting. Then you get a call from one of your friends. Your friend is in trouble. It is something serious, and your friend has no one else to turn too. Your friend needs a large sum of money. Let’s assume that without that money, your friend is going to go through immanent hardship. You could be in a position to lend your friend your share of the money you have saved up for the house down payment. You talk to your spouse and your spouse refuses.
Do you choose your friend (who has helped you out more than anyone can know), or your spouse who you want to build a future life with that might leave you if you side with your friend?
I have left elements of the story very vague for the reader to fill in. Questions such as, is it a life and death situation? Are children with the spouse already involved in this decision? Are there no other options for the couple to get a mortgage at a cheaper down payment or other sources for the friend to reach out to for this money? Looking at this question as well as the value systems of each individual is part of the pre-marriage coaching program I take new couples through, to prepare them for the eventual choice they will have to make between their spouse and their friends.
Now, what if the situation wasn’t so serious or so dire? What if the issue is simply a matter of your spouse and friends not getting along? What if the issue might be that your friend never fully accepted your spouse into your life and takes passive aggressive measures to influence a rift between you both as a couple? What if your spouse is simply suspicious of your friend, even though your friend has not overtly done anything inappropriate to your knowledge? What if it is simply a matter that your spouse and your friend are not willing to tolerate each other? Where would you draw the line then?
What comes up in a pre-marriage coaching session often surprises the individuals of the couple as they express to each other their thoughts, feelings, and expectations on this subject.
What I will say to conclude this article is that if and when you choose someone to commit to as a spouse, that commitment comes with certain obligations and expectations. Be clear as to what you are expecting, and communicate that with your partner, as well as, make sure your partner communicates the same with you.
If you plan to dedicate your life and everything you own and every resource you will ever earn to another human being, it is important to know what conditions come along with that commitment, what strings attached may be in place (if any) and where each of you draws the lines between your obligations to your friends and your obligations to your spouse.
I promise you, that if you do not talk about it before you get committed, you will surely talk about it, after you commit and a situation forces the conversation. The choice is going to be calling on you to make it. Do what you can now to be ready.
A broken engagement is far better than a happy divorce.
Frank Kermit
If you have a question about if you should listen to your lover or if you should listen to your friends, and you need an outside opinion,
CONTACT FRANK
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Your Partner vs. Your Friends
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- Published on
Pre-Marriage Coaching
Addressing, "I don't"
Before Saying "I do"
By Frank Kermit
Getting married? That is great!
You found someone that wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you, as much as you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Bravo! And before the big wedding day, there is so much to do. The wedding planning alone is an overwhelming task.
However, wedding planning, and for that matter, planning the rest of your life, aside, there is still a little matter that may require your attention.
That little matter has to do with just how much you actually know about the person you are set to marry.
In my practice, I often find that individuals can easily describe what it is they like about their future spouse.
However, sometimes, a better-worded question is required to bring to an individual's attention to just how much they have yet to discover about the person he or she is engaged too.
If you are engaged to be married, and you want to be sure you have asked all the right questions, but are unaware of where to start, then ask yourself this:
What is it about your future spouse that you don't know? Make a list.
If you still have no idea of what to ask, start off with questions where the answers, could indicate you would have to negate your engagement, or at the very least put it off for a little while longer until the situation can be resolved.
Here are some examples:
I don't know if my potential life partner has:
-Ever been arrested,
-Served time in jail,
-Has a criminal record,
-Lived a lifestyle that you are enormously against,
-Has a history of abuse,
…and so on.
If it would stop you from being engaged to your partner, be sure to admit what you do not know, and make the effort to find out.
Other examples may include asking "I don't" questions having more to do with whether or not you wonder if your potential life partner is capable of accepting elements from your own past.
In this case, some examples can include:
I don't know if my potential life partner
can accept that:
-I had a child that was given up for adoption that might look me up one day,
-I filed for bankruptcy less than a decade ago,
-I may be unable to have children,
-I have a secret from my past that no one knows about,
-I cheated when we first started dating,
…and so on.
If you think knowing the truth about you would cause your potential life partner to call off the wedding, then you owe it to the both of you, to give your partner the option of making an informed decision.
Love may be blind, but personal inabilities to accept partners fully and completely can force eyes open to the unpleasantness of a broken engagement.
It is better to find out all about all of your "I don'ts", before saying that most important "I do".
That will give you the best chances that when you answer "I do" to "to have and to hold, until death do you part" you can actually mean it and stick too it through the good times and bad.
Frank Kermit
