Dear Readers, welcome to my 24th book.

Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition
 
I decided to do something different with this volume of my collected articles series. In the previous two volumes of FrankTalks: Articles Vol 1 and Vol 2, I collected articles that I had written for different newspapers, magazines and online new sites into collected volumes. The articles were always on a variety of topics, and it gave new readers to my work a taste of the different areas of my expertise. 
 
This volume is a little different. 
 
A few years ago I created a series of newsletters with a particular target audience in mind. When I restructured my coaching business, the multiple newsletters were discontinued, and there I was with multiple articles in my archives on specific subjects. I have included some of those newsletter articles as bonus sections in some of my eBooks, as well as publishing them on my FrankTalks.com Blog. Recently I decided that I had more than enough content on the topics of Monogamy and Non-Monogamy to put together a special edition volume of my FrankTalks Articles series of eBooks.
 
This edition is NOT a collection of articles on a variety of subjects; it is about two very inter-linked subjects for the interested reader.
 
The articles in this edition were written as extensions of my Audio programs:
 
‘Making Monogamy Work- When One Is All You Need’
‘Alternative Relationship Choices: Non-Monogamy’
 
 This 3rd edition of FrankTalks Articles series is the companion eBook to those Audio programs.
 
Since this eBook is the companion book to the previously mentioned Audio programs, I have included articles from previous volumes of FrankTalks Articles, as well as excerpts of any writings to do with Monogamy and Non-Monogamy from my Coaching Workbooks for Men and for Women. This eBook gives the reader a sample of my teachings in this area.
 
For the record, I have stated many times that I do not have a preference for either Monogamy or Non-Monogamy. They are both relationship structures, and one is not better than the other. They are just different. The key is to find what the best relationship structure is for the individuals involved. A Monogamous person does not function well in a Non-Monogamous relationship. A Non-Monogamous person does not function well in a Monogamous relationship. It is about people finding out what relationship structure works best for them on an individual level.
 
It requires a level of self-awareness that the average person does not seek out. The average person takes what is given to them, and many do not question the status quo until a situation comes up that they did not anticipate that causes them to start asking questions. This eBook is to help the questioning beginner find some answers.
 
Lastly, I have include a short section on Couples in Transition, for already established couples who are contemplating changing their relationship structure, because education of this nature is not just for single people.
 
 I hope that you enjoy this book, and that it helps you achieve whatever your relationship goals are.
 
Frank Talks: Articles Volume 3: The Monogamy and Non-Monogamy Edition

-Frank 

The Limits of Non-Verbal Communication
by Frank Kermit

No one has any obligation to read, follow, interpret or even receive your non-verbal communication. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect or demand that their non-verbal communication be acknowledged.

If you expect that someone should have modified their behaviour towards you based solely on what you felt was a clear non-verbal communication, sorry to burst your bubble, but your expectation is unrealistic, and you will be very disappointed more often than not. If someone is angry with you for not reading his or her non-verbal communication, be sure to let those people know that reacting to their non-verbal communication is not your responsibility.

Common communication theory claims the vast majority of all communication is non-verbal (different sources state it is considered at minimum 55%, and as high as 93% though there are some discrepancies).

This may or may not be true. However, whenever clarity is required, a verbal confirmation is often regarded as the highest form of clear communication to destroy any misunderstandings.

There are two components here that make non-verbal communication so challenging.

The first is that just because you communicate non-verbally to someone, does not take into account that person’s ability to read non-verbal communication cues. If someone is not familiar with your non-verbal cues that you assume would be common knowledge, they may miss your messaging altogether, or possibly misinterpret your message to mean the exact opposite of your meaning. For example, a person acting coy, shy and reserved with the intent of being alluring, may end up being interpreted as uninterested and would rather be left alone. Do not assume the other person will automatically have the same reference point of the non-verbal communication that you do. Also, as my coaching practice shows, especially with adults who have difficulty with social interactions (such as Asperger coaching clients) not everyone can read non-verbal cues as easily as others.

The second is that, non-verbal communication is a communication skill, just like any other. As a skill, it must be practiced and tested to be sure that what you intend to communicate is what is actually getting across as the message received. There are times when I am coaching someone that cannot understand why they continue to be mistreated in dating, with family and even the workplace. When I ask what happens they mention their displeasure, it turns out they never actually say anything directly, but expected that their non-verbal communication was loud enough to be heard (usually it came out as passive-aggressive behaviors that in some cases, made things worse). One must never take for granted that the skills to successful non-verbal communication is a given. On the contrary, it is a skill and art form that always provides something more to learn and improve on. It can be a scary thought to acknowledge that the non-verbal communication skills that a person thinks they have, do not live up to the fantasy they believe.

As far as dating and relationships go, be mindful that your major expectations, rules and boundaries are too important to leave up to non-verbal communication. Simply put, if you want something, you have to speak up and verbally tell the other person exactly what your request is. If you do not, you are at fault if you do not get what you want.

So the next time you are not in a talkative mood, do not hope the other person gets your non-verbal communication of acting distant or aloof, and just tell that person you are not in a talkative mood. If you want your significant other to use mouthwash because of bad breath, instead of using non-verbal communication of turning your head when he or she tries to kiss you on the lips, just ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind freshening up their breath.

Yes, the onus is on YOU, to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

If you aren’t comfortable being that direct, then at least take enough accountability for yourself so that you do not hold it against others when they do not understand your non-verbal communication. That is not their fault. You are responsible whether or not your communication is received in the context that you intended.

The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit
 
The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair.
 
Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved.  If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated.
 
In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. 
 
But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. 
 
It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light.

The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. 
 
The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern.
 
The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. 
 
In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him.  The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it.
 
Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. 
 
Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off.
 
This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public.  Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on.
 
Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset.
 
You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people.
 
Frank Kermit

 When The Ex is Hard To Forget
World Does Not Stop For Your Broken Heart
By Frank Kermit
 
When your ex is too hard to forget, what becomes too easy to forget is: that the rest of the world is not going to stop while you nurse your broken heart. The rest of the world, and the people around you, will continue to go through life’s ups and downs. One of the shockers for people with major broken hearts is that when they start to come out of the spell of hurt they are under, they sometimes are amazed at how much life has changed around them and they did not notice until now. It is like waking up from a bad dream, but you were never actually asleep, and now you also feel like you need to mourn the lost time of being so broken hearted, that you put your own life on hold.

If you are suffering from a broken heart, here are some tips for getting over an ex so that you do not lose any more time than you have to.


1. Create new memories

If you and your ex used to dance to a particular song, dance with every new date you get to that song. If you and your ex used to frequent a particular restaurant, then go there with every new date you have. With each new person that you see, you create memories to help combat how you filter your past memories with your ex. That “special something” that you only did with your ex, stops being so “special”. It also loses its power to remind you of the pain of missing your ex.
 

2. No bad mouthing the ex

Bad mouthing your ex doesn’t help you deal with the pain of missing your ex. It may feel like it does at first. Bad mouthing another person can make you feel like you have a little power and control in the moment because it brings about feelings of anger and hatred. However, all that does is keep you feeling pain about your ex. Yes, your ex may have wronged you, but continuing to bad mouth your ex keeps the hate alive, and also halts you from feeling good with new love. Hate breeds more hate, and makes you forget how to love.


3. The realization that if it was meant to be, it would have been
 
“But if I just did this one thing different…but if my ex just didn’t do that thing…but if one of us had just decided something different….but…but…but”. STOP! There is NO but…but…but. If the two of you were suppose to stay together, then nothing would have split the two of you up romantically. Mistakes are going to happen, and every relationship faces obstacles. No one has an “easy” relationship.
 
The best of couples will find themselves struggling sometimes just to connect emotionally when life gets in the way. And I do mean the BEST of couples. If you and your ex were “meant to be” then you would “still be”. The fact that the two of you could not survive whatever it was that caused the split; then it simply could not work out in any case being the two people you both are at this time.


4. Take the time to mourn the future

One of the areas that many people do not give proper credence is that in order to get over your ex, you have to mourn the future you have built up in your head about your ex. When you are in a relationship, it is normal to imagine what your future will be like with that person. This can include, where you are going to live together, marriage, having kids, grand kids, growing old together…well here is how you deal with that: You must understand that there is the conscious mind that knows the difference between fantasy and reality and then there is the sub conscious mind that believes that both fantasy and reality are actually one and the same.
 
On a sub conscious level, you FEEL like you and your ex have already been together as long as you have fantasized about, even if you have only dated a short time. When you break up, it is important to mourn the loss of that fantasy future you built up just as much as you mourn the loss of the real relationship, because there is a part of you that FEELS the fantasy future was as real as it gets. The loss of the relationship is not the only thing that you need to grieve for. There is the loss of the future you dreamed about too.

If you have ever been in love and lost that love, then you know the heart break of not being able to forget an ex.


5. Deconstruct the ex symbol
 
Often times, one of the biggest challenges in getting over an ex, is that your ex became a symbol. There is your ex, the human being…and then your ex, the symbol. When the person you are dating becomes a symbol for some greater cause that you attach to that person, that symbol will still exist in your mind, even if you break up, and can last long after your ex is gone from your life. For example, if dating a specific person became a symbol of your own self worth, then when you stop dating that person, your self worth will be attacked.
 
So let’s say that you always felt bad about yourself and have very low self esteem…but one day you end up in a relationship with a person that you feel is “the best thing” that you could ever hope for in dating. If that “best thing” becomes your symbol to mean that you are a worthwhile human being because you are dating your partner…it is only a matter of time, before your own self worth issues surface and maybe even cause you to self sabotage your relationship. Once your partner becomes your ex, you may not just have to mourn the loss of your partner in your life, but you may have to also deal with how your ex as a symbol, changes the way you see, feel and think about yourself.
 
Be with a person, because you actually want to be with that person, and not because that person symbolizes to the world, your peers, your family, or whomever else you are trying to get approval from, that you are “worthy”. The richest man loving you, nor the most beautiful women loving you will NEVER make you feel worthy of anything, if you don’t already feel you are worthy of loving yourself first.
 

6. Date other people
 
It is normal to want to isolate yourself when dealing with heartbreak. Just because it is normal, does not mean it is the correct thing to do. If you are nursing a broken heart, and someone wants to date you, then get out there and date.

Be careful not to try to take out your frustrations regarding your ex on the new person you date. If you are unable to do that, then wait. Once you do get to the point where you can appreciate the new people in your life that want to woo you, then let someone woo you…or be wooed by you.
 
Everyone has a clock that is ticking. We are all running out of time. You have a choice of how to spend a portion of your time. You can choose to be alone and feel sorry for yourself, or you can choose to make the effort to find new people to connect with and share yourself.


7. Stop spending time/communicating with ex, get used to the new normal
 
Life without the ex is all about getting used to the “new normal”. This process is also taught to people that are suffering from massive grief when a loved one dies. Although the emotions, and some of the healing process may be similar, there is one underlying difference. Your ex is not dead; only your relationship with your ex is dead. For this reason, it is only natural that you would want to stay in touch with the ex, and want to keep your ex in your life. At first, it does make the pain easier to deal with…it also helps keep the hope alive that the two of you might rekindle. But what happens when there is no rekindling of the relationship? You are then going to have to deal with the full brunt of the pain you have been avoiding, as well as the pain of having stayed in contact.

This does not mean to become enemies with your ex. It does mean that you need to take time away from your ex, until you get used to not having your ex as your partner. The sooner you get used to the new normal of life without your ex, the sooner you and your ex can actually be friendly with one another in the future.


8. There is something you needed to learn…figure it out
 
There is one common element in every single relationship you have ever had. It’s YOU. When a relationship ends, the most important thing you can do is look for the lesson for you to learn, so that you do not make any of the same mistakes again.
 
Did you think you could handle a particular element of your relationship, and ended up learning that you aren’t as liberal or open-minded as you would like to think? Did you date someone that had values that were so different from yours, and you didn’t think it was a big deal, until after you got more serious? Did your instincts scream not to get involved and you learned to trust your gut more? Maybe you learned that your gut instincts are actually wrong and that you shouldn’t trust it when choosing a relationship partner.
 
Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact is, it ended. Even in the best of circumstances where the two of you broke up very amicably and simply weren’t compatible, there is still a lesson to learn…and the biggest lesson is figuring out how to read the signs that you would not work out in such a relationship, so that you don’t end up seriously dating someone with a similar personality as that of your ex.


9. Stop the desire for revenge

Sharing secrets you promised never to share, or passing around intimate photos and videos you made with your ex to get them back, is one of the worst things you can do. Not just because it is wrong, but also because in doing so, you will end up having to relive the pain of the break up, to keep you feeling that your acts of vengeance are justified. One thing is for certain…if you continue to aim for revenge, the on thing that will absolutely keep is the hurt. Revenge doesn’t always balance out the hurt…it can sometimes be the source of keeping the hurt burning.

No matter how things ended, seeking revenge rarely takes the pain away. It just perpetuates the pain. Revenge only makes a person feel some sense of power and control for a moment…and when the moment passes, it leaves the revenge seeker feeling even emptier. If a person makes the right move, they stay away from revenge. If the person makes the wrong move, they try to seek out getting an even more despicable revenge thinking that it will sooth them of their growing emptiness. Take my word for it…taking revenge on an ex rarely makes things better.


10. Forgive yourself to find closure

Forgive yourself. Forgive the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your part in the break up. Forgive yourself for choosing to date your ex to begin with. Forgive yourself for having a relationship that ended. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being perfect at relationships. Forgive yourself for making your ex cry, hurt or mourn. Forgive yourself for not knowing how to make that relationship work. Forgive yourself for the time you might feel you wasted with your ex. Forgive yourself for everything you are still angry with yourself for regarding the relationship.
 
I have often found that when you reach a point where you can learn from your relationship mistakes and can trust yourself not to make those same mistakes again, that is when people can forgive themselves. In self-forgiveness people find the closure they seek. You will not find closure from your ex. You find closure from within.

 
One of the hardest demographics that I coach is a couple, where one partner is suffering from depression.  They are such a challenging demographic because the individuals with depression may look perfectly healthy, and their partners simply do not understand the situation, so they tend to lack compassion.

Sometimes, the people we love are in pain. The pain our partners may experience is not always a pain that can be seen. It is easy to conclude that a person is in pain when we see that person in a cast, or other physical signs of illness. When we can see it, it becomes much easier to accept that the person we love will simply not be able to do the things we would normally expect him or her to do.

However, invisible pain can be every bit of devastating as the pain that we can physically see.

In some cases, the person who is depressed and may not even be aware of the mental illness exists. In cases where a partner ends up in a depression, interest in sex can be the first thing to go, and one of the last things to return if and when the depression passes.  When the interest in sex fades, some couples seek coaching, while others wait until the resentment and symptomatic problems of couples not having sex, surface to the point they can no longer be ignored or tolerated. At that point, a lot of damage has already been done.

If there was one bit of advice that I want to communicate to both the depressed person and the coping partner it is this: 

If a person lacks the self-awareness to detect his or her own depression, it is very possible that such a person would blame their misery on their partner. 

This can be very hurtful to the partner, who is usually innocent of any wrongdoing.  A depressed person (not knowing he or she is depressed) may independently conclude that the loss of libido MUST be a result of the partner, and may verbalize such conclusions attributing it to anything from holiday weight gain, to not keeping up with chores. A depressed mind is unable to think clearly and out of hurt and anguish may lash out at a loved one. A loved one being lashed out at may fire back out of feelings of fear and rejection, which only aggravates the issues.

If you or someone you love is experiencing a low sexual libido, before either of you accuse the other of horribleness that will surely hurt your relationship, stop and take a moment to ask if the lack of sex drive may be a symptom of depression, and seek out the help of a trained professional for a diagnosis. Do not let a depression destroy the good love you have in your life, regardless of what side of it you are on.

Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit
 
Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually.  Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with.
 
Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation.
 
For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations.
 
Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn.
 
There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates.
 
For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed.
 
 
Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted.
 
Frank Kermit

 Creating More Luck For Love:  Manifesting Destiny
By Frank Kermit

Check out the Emotional Needs Analysis Mastery System

When it comes to having luck in life, some people really are lucky in love. These individuals tend to be attracted to people who are also attracted to them.
 
These individuals do not appear to have to "work" to find love; love finds them. These individuals just happen to be at the right place, right time, and meet the right people for things to, well, just happen.
 
These individuals can afford to focus on other areas of their lives and when the time is right, love will seem to magically appear. However, what does a person do, when that person does not happen to be one of these individuals who are lucky in love?
 
If you are someone that is simply not lucky in love, chances are you cannot leave your love life up to chance and must take matters into your own hands.
 
When you are left wanting for love in your life, doing nothing tends to be the worst thing you can do. In any area of life that you are unsatisfied with, being proactive is often the better option, than waiting idly for things to change on its own.
 
This may mean you will have to try new experiences that could push you out of your comfort zone, but that is a reasonable trade off given everything you have to gain (i.e. all the potential new love, affection, dates and relationships you desire but do not yet have in your life).
 
One of the ways to increase your luck for love is solid life planning. This means thinking long and hard about what your long term and short term life goals are, figuring out where you meaningfully want to end up, and then working backwards on the timeline of your life right back to the present day.
 
Once you know where you want to end up, and have more than just a passing idea of what lifestyle you want day-to-day, you will give yourself the road map necessary to follow through and build your ideal love life in a more realistic fashion.
 
Start out by asking yourself where you see yourself in 10-15 years from now. If you already have kids, what are your plans for them? If you do not yet have kids, what are your intentions? Career wise; are you going for further training?
 
Are you living in the big city, or small town? What physical condition are you in and what health challenges are you likely facing based on your family history and personal health practices?
 
How this works is that with each goal you are setting, there is going to be a time or criteria requirement that you do not control.
 
For example, if you want a certain career, you may have to embark on a specific number of years in education and work experience. If you want to have a certain number of children there are considerations about how many years apart your children are going to be.
 
Then you must go back and factor in any conflicts in your timeline because you may not be able to complete that particular PhD at the same time as backpacking overseas, while raising your family, on the income you are set to make at that time.
 
How does all this factor into your love life? When you know exactly what you want out of life, where you want to be, and how you want to end up living, it will help you define where you can go to meet people that likely want the same things you want, who have compatible goals and values that you have.
 
For example, if you know that you want to live an off-the-grid lifestyle, you can direct yourself to events, meet ups, educational symposiums and social gathers of like minded people and increase your chances of finding a love partner that wants to commit to a relationship with such a common principle-based foundation.
 
We may not be able to predict the future, or control life circumstances, but we most certainly can influence our fortunes by knowing ourselves and planning ahead as much as possible, to get a little luckier.
 
Frank Kermit

Couples in Transition: Couples and Sex Toys
By Frank Kermit
 
Couples who are looking for ways to spice up the sex life, may at times be interested in experimenting with using sex toys.  In this context, sex toys can be referred to, as “marital aids” as in they are objects that are suppose to help aid a challenge in the marriage including adding something interesting to what may have become a routine and perhaps repetitive sex life lacking in novelty.
 
Some of the more recognizable sex toys are designed to imitate and bear a resemblance to human genitals.  Some vibrate, some do not, some expand into bigger sizes when in use, while others may constrict and tighten.  They all have one common purpose…to bring an element of spark back into your sex life as a couple.
 
One of the questions I get asked by couples that are struggling to decide if they want to experiment with sex toys is related to the concern that using a sex toy is akin to cheating on a partner.  So, are using sex toys a form of non-monogamy? After all, if you do use a sex toy, you are then having sex with something other than or (depending on the circumstances) in addition too, you partner…are you still a monogamous couple?  In my experience, this directly relates to how the couple in transition sees sex toys. 
 
Are sex toys an extension of an existing sex life between the couple? Are sex toys a potential threat to the existing sex life between the couple? The answer to both is, yes it can be, depending on the couple.  Some couples define the idea of using sex toys as a private sexual act that they share within the boundaries of their intimacy with each other.  Other couples may view sex toys like a gateway drug leading the couple to be tempted to achieve more intense sexual highs through a variety of means including involving other people. Be sure that both you and your partner are ready to talk about the effects of any emotional reactions to using sex toys that you both may not yet expect.
 
One of the negative aspects of using sex toys is the unpredictable nature of how a partner may react to the effects sex toys has on a relationship. For example, a man may experience a sense of inferiority when he witnesses how enjoyable it may be for his wife to use a vibrator on herself to help her reach an orgasm. A woman may worry that her husband does not desire her further when he uses a triple crown in order to maintain an erection and intensify his orgasm in a way that he is not able to experience with her. 
 
It is of primary importance that the use of sex toys be reserved as a means of creating intimacy within the couples, instead of being viewed as sex toys being a replacement for either partner.  For first time couples using sex toys, it is important to remember to reassure your partner that sexual pleasure is not a replacement for the emotional fulfillment of a life partner.
 
The other negative aspect of using sex toys is the potential desensitizing that can occur.  Constant use of artificial sexual stimulus (vibrators, suction pumps, sleeves) may actually dull the body’s ability to physically respond to actual human contact.  In short, once your body becomes too accustom to achieving climax using any particular device, it may continue to do so to the point where, an actual human body part simply will not be enough.
 
The human body, with all the imperfect textures, odors, and tastes that the human body comes with, learns to react through repetition and association.  What you are neutral on or (in extreme cases) what turns you off today may be the only thing that can turn you on tomorrow if you regularly experience sexual climax with it, and your body makes a direct association. 
 
A colleague of mine who is a hypnotist sometimes deals with clients who are seeking ways to be hypnotized into being able to feel bodily sensations during sex without the need of sex toys. 
 
For these reasons (and others not listed here) one of the biggest challenges for couples to explore using sex toys is how to initially bring it up in conversation.  It takes a couple secure in their relationship to discuss partner’s sexual interests and desires. 
 
Such conversations may be difficult as the nature of the discussion is about making a change in the couple’s sex life, which may or may not be in trouble.  However, if your sex life (and or your marriage for that matter) is in trouble, then whether or not you get the sex toys is irrelevant. What is important is to start talking about it, before a fear of conflict turns a deflated banana dong into an elephant in the room. At that point, the real threat to the relationship is the lack of communication, not the transitioning sex life.

There are positive elements to using sex toys.  For some couples it is a safe way to explore what it would feel like to have a third person in the bedroom, without the threat of someone stealing your partner.  Some people experience compassion instead of jealousy or low self esteem as they experience an empathic sexual enjoyment when someone they care about is experiencing sexual enjoyment. 
 
Some people just get turned on using sex toys on each other as it helps re-affirm a partner as a sexual being again…a status that may have been lost or buried when husband and wife become mom and dad.  For couples experiencing health issues, sex toys are a means to enjoying sex again and a means to feel they are still able to satisfy their partners, without compromising what they are physically capable of enduring.
 
Sex toys can be an enjoyable experience, and help bring a new level of intimacy for couples that may be in a transitory phase of their relationship. But just like experiments with non-monogamy (bringing in a third person, or another couple into the bedroom) the quality of the experience and whether or not it helps strengthen or destroy the relationship is less about the sex toys or the extra people in the sexual activity; it is about how well the couples prepare themselves in advance for the thrills, spills, canyons and bumps of sexploration. Happy Journeys!
 
Frank Kermit