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When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
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Primary Partners in Open Relationships
Primary Partners in Open Relationships
By Frank Kermit
In the hierarchy of relationships and dating, the position of Primary Partner on the Non-Monogamous Branch of the hierarchy, which is the level equal to Exclusive Partner on the Monogamous branch, often raises a number of eyebrows. After all, it seems almost a contradiction in terms to say that someone is primary to you, if you are still dating other people. Yet, that is exactly what it means. When you are in some kind of open-relationship structure where you and your partner come to terms with having certain permissions for one, or both of you, to date other people then the issue becomes how to define what separates and makes your Primary Partner a distinct priority, over your other non-exclusive partners.
For some people, this can be an easily made distinction. The Primary Partner is deemed to be the only partner that is being considered as a future fiancé, spouse, and life partner. (This may even include the idea of becoming parents with the Primary Partner).
For others, this can be a very confusing set of parameters that can be ever changing with a Primary Partner being demoted to Secondary Partner, and a Secondary Partner being promoted to Primary depending on circumstances which may be beyond the control of the people involved. For example, if two people consider each other a Primary Partner in an open relationship, but one of them is called away on a work assignment or for school, to travel away from home for an extended period of time (could be months, even years), then the Primary Partner position may rarely be stable.
A Primary Partner enjoys certain rights and privileges that other non-exclusive partners do not share in. These may include rules such as, only Primary Partners may engage in unprotected sex, the Primary Partner is the only one to meet members of the significant others family and friends, and the Primary Partner gets a say (maybe even a Veto) on who else can become a non-exclusive partner of the significant other.
It is up to the individuals in the relationships to decide what rules they will follow, based on what they believe they can and cannot handle. However, there are some basic general rules to help newcomers to non-monogamy navigate a multi-partner lifestyle.
Never define a partner as being a Primary Partner just because you end up happening to spend lots of time with that partner. The amount of time you spend with someone can be an indicator of the level of commitment you share, but it is not, nor should it be, the sole telling criteria.
It is highly suggested that you do not make someone your Primary Partner who does not consider you a Primary as well. Making someone your Primary when you are that person’s Secondary (or lower down the hierarchy) means that your needs and concerns come after your Primary Partners other partner(s) who are more a Primary priority than you. However, this does not apply for individuals who enjoy a lifestyle of not being, nor having, a Primary. Some individuals thrive on their freedom, and likely do not even consider the partner they connect with most, a primary. In fact, it is very possible to be involved with multiple people, without ever having a true Primary Partner because of the extra responsibility that it would entail.
Is it ever possible to have two Primary Partners? For example, do those individuals that actually want to seek out two husbands, or two wives, aim to have two Primary Partners? I will leave that discussion for a possible future article.
Frank Kermit
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How To Date Non-Exclusive
Non-Exclusive Dating
By Frank Kermit
A client of mine recently asked me, “How do you tell someone you are dating, that you are also seeing other people while dating him or her?” The answer is, honestly and directly.
There is nothing to hide in the fact that while you are dating and getting to know someone, you are also dating and getting to know others as well. Until you make a public commitment to only date just one person, the expectation that you and the other person are exclusive is unreasonable. Just because you meet for coffee, or have a dinner date, or have a romantic encounter one evening does not automatically mean that a commitment exists between the two of you that forbids either of you from dating another.
One area of confusion for many couples is that each individual comes into dating with certain expectations of what different events mean. When two people’s meanings of interactions conflict, dating gets a lot more complex than it ever has to be.
What about sex? Shouldn’t having sex with someone automatically indicate that, at the very least, there is more going on between the two people than just the sex itself? In theory, it would make sense. However, the experience of clients that are shared with me during my practice, suggests that sometimes sex, just means sex, and nothing more.
If you want the person you are starting to date to stop dating others, or date others without going all the way to sex, it is up to you to communicate your request, instead of hoping that someone is going to either read your mind, or just assume the other person thinks the same “common sense” that you do. If the person you are dating agrees, then it is settled.
However, if you or the other person disagrees about being exclusive while dating, it is a great opportunity to talk about why.
For some people, dating exclusively is simply not an option. Perhaps they do not believe in monogamy, or they do not believe in monogamy when just dating. For others, it can be a matter of how much time has been spent dating the same person before becoming exclusive.
Whether it is 3 dates, 3 weeks or 3 months, it is important to ascertain a deadline to either expect exclusivity or potentially end dating that person. And still, there are others that do not base their desire to be exclusive on how long they have been dating a person, but rather whether or not they see a serious potential future with that person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity, and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to date non-exclusively. It is only an issue of ethics if someone is either lying about their exclusive intents, or trying to force someone to their way of doing things.
The best everyone can do is to decide for him-or-herself what makes sense in dating, and invite others to date them under those rules. The people you date will either accept it and date you, or not accept it and leave.
Now then, if someone does NOT accept your guidelines about exclusivity and STILL decides to date you anyway, then the issue has nothing to do with valuing or not valuing exclusivity. That has to do with a deeper issue that we can explore in a future session.
Frank Kermit
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You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
If you are tired of making bad choices in life, now is the time to get The Art of Calibration From Creepy To Charisma
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
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Are your friends keeping you single?
Sabotage Between Friends
By Frank Kermit
April 8, 2016, updated on April 19, 2018
From what I have observed in my practice over the last 15 years, one of the most consistent external factors that will keep a person single, are the friends of that person.
I have seen so many people experience sabotage from their friends; specific actions that those friends took, that directly resulted in someone ending up single.
Here are some examples I have encountered over the years.
A young man feels his best male friend is spending too much time with his new girlfriend, so he manipulates their social circle to put pressure on his best male friend to break up with her, by claiming she is changing him when she is not.
A married woman is being coaxed by her recently divorced friends to come out to a club for a girls-night-out, and actively encourage her to cheat on her husband by pushing her to occupy the attention of the odd-man-out of the circle of males that have shown interest in the group of girls, in a subconscious attempt to have her lose her marriage and rejoin her girlfriends in the single world.
A man meets a new girl that he really likes and wants to date, but his friends all tell him he could do so much better than her, and his need for their approval costs him what could have been a very compatible partner, when they just do not want to lose their drinking buddy.
A girl jealous of all the male attention that her friend is getting from having lost weight starts to spread rumors that are designed to turn the guys off, and keep the guys focused on herself for more titillating information.
This is just a small sample of what actually happens.
Just to be clear, for the purposes of this article, jealousy is the feeling when someone feels threatened of losing something they feel they already have.
It does not matter if it is a real threat (like someone writing love letters to your partner and demanding that your partner leaves you), or if the threat is imaginary (you assume your partner is cheating when there is no evidence to support that theory and in fact your partner is faithful). Whether the threat is real or fantasy, the effects on your nervous system is still the same.
This is different from envy (which your friends can experience as well). Envy is when a person does NOT have something that someone else does have, and covets it.
A true friend is someone that wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time doing the things you love, and spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend.
If you are searching for love, it is best to keep in mind that your future long-term romantic partner is likely to replace your best friend if you seek to make a long-term relationship successful.
A true friend is OK with this.
Putting anyone, ahead of your life partner and children, even if that person has been your best friend since forever, is a predictor that the relationship will eventually end.
Friendship is important. It is just as important to know at what point you are not willing to have your long term happiness and success be sabotaged all in the name of maintaining a friendship.
Give a piece of your heart to your closest friend, but never to the point where that piece of your heart will cost you peace of mind for your future.
If you want to learn how to be a good friend, to properly help encourage the people you care about to move forward in their love lives, then you need to study How To Be The Ethical Seducer (or Seductress).
The program will teach you how to stay out of the way of others finding love, and more importantly will help you spot those of your so called "friends" that are actually manipulating you. There are many signs that you are being played for a fool. Learn them and never be taken advantage of, or for granted again.
The program will teach you how to stay out of the way of others finding love, and more importantly will help you spot those of your so called "friends" that are actually manipulating you. There are many signs that you are being played for a fool. Learn them and never be taken advantage of, or for granted again.
symptoms of seduction
