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The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Marry Your Best Friend
Marry Your Best Friend
By Frank Kermit
One of the questions I ask couples in my pre marriage course is for each of them to name their best friend, and what makes that person a best friend. I want to know what it is that they value in that other person that merits the title of "best friend". Is it the fact that you can tell a best friend the entire truth and not fear abandonment?
Is it because you feel completely accepted by your best friend? Is it because you and your best friend shared certain experiences together that created a bond? Is it merely that your best friend, is simply the one that you have known the longest and is the only one left that you still regularly socializes with you.
It is a trick question.
First I want to see if the couple would consider each other the best friend of the other. Sometimes, one does, and one does not. In those cases, we have identified a place in their relationship that may need some added attention going forward.
Second, I want to see what a person's best friend offers that that person's partner does not. This is where I am looking for red flags (predictors of future problems in the marriage that we could neutralize right now before it ever becomes a serious matter).
For example, if someone feels they can tell a best friend anything, but does not feel that way with the person they are engaged too, that is a problem. What is going to happen when some kind of real crisis occurs? Are you going to call your best friend first in a time of stress instead of your spouse?
What if the stress has to do with a crisis within the boundaries of your family (such as a child is waiting for a diagnosis, a massive debt was incurred, or intimacy blocks have settled in that your partner feels shame about)?
Will you go straight to your partner like you would your best friend? If not, you both may need to re-consider the communication priorities of your relationship.
Marriage can be challenging. Depending on the studies you research, the rate of divorce can be as high as 40-50% for some demographics.
After the honeymoon phase is over, and the two of you get down to building up a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your marriage, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment.
Even the best of marriage can face the divorce question at one point or another.
On that note, if you are currently best friends with someone, and that person is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor.
Say yes, and give it a chance. Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with a new partner.
However, allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving marriage allows for the foundation of your marriage to also have the benefit of long nourished roots.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
10 Signs of Avoiding Commitment
Ten Signs Of Avoiding Commitment
By Frank Kermit
There are signs that the person you are dating has no real intention of ever committing to you, even if you are being led on with the person saying that one day in the future they will commit. In many of those cases, your partner is sticking around for reasons that have nothing to do with a desire to be with you for good.
Those reasons tend to be all about sticking around because you are good-for-now. Sometimes a partner stays with you until someone they like more comes along. Sometimes, your partner is not in a financial situation that allows him or her to leave comfortably, so your partner continues to be with you, for now.
Sometimes the reason a person stays is as simple as you continue to have sex, and it is easier to get sex from you, than it is to seek out a new sexual partner. Whatever the reason, you are being mislead to think there is a possible future together, when in fact, your partner already knows, that what you have together is a time-limited affair.
Here are some signs that your partner has no intention of ever committing.
1-Refusing to set any dates or deadlines (for a wedding, birth of a planned child, engagement date). Any lacks of deadlines are signs of lack of seriousness
2-Displays a fear of being alone, or mentions never being able to find a better partner. Low self-esteem can keep a person from leaving temporarily, BUT that same LSE also stops them from moving to the next level.
3-Massive fear of divorce. If this conversation comes up all too often, your partner is trying to tell you, without directly telling you, that the idea of serious commitment is not an option.
4-When every discussion about getting serious turns into having sex. This is a distraction ploy where sex is used to reassure a person that he or she is wanted, and helps avoid any talk in the moment about future commitment.
5-Wanting to wait to save up a certain financial amount to be spent on the wedding. The key here is that the person is not actively saving said amount. If they are not saving for the wedding, they are not planning to have one.
6-When your partner constantly tries to push your boundaries on things that you are not interested in doing. A partner that cannot accept you as-is, is a partner that is not planning a future with you.
7-Your partner puts family, friends and hobbies, ahead of very meaningful moments in your life. If your partner would rather hang out with friends instead of celebrating an important moment in your life, that is a major red flag.
8-Your partner limits your contact with their family, and extended family. This one is tricky, because some manipulators do involve their short-term romances with their families, so be alert to the other signs as well.
9-Your partner shows no interest in getting a life plan in order, which shows no motivation or urgency to plan a future with you. People without a life plan, are less likely to be able to stick to any commitment they make, so it is easier just not to make any commitment to keep options open.
10-Your partner insists on multiple versions of birth control to make sure that nothing -bad- happens up to and including not having sex anymore. Yes, a person will stop having sex with you, but still claim to want to be in a relationship with you. Normally, it usually turns out the other person has already starting to see someone new, and is hoping that you will be the mean one and break up with them, to allow them to play the victim publicly.
One of the worst things that can happen when you are seeking a serious commitment is to have your precious time wasted. The easiest way to avoid these situations, is to have your boundaries and rules in place, and when you see that your partner is not living up to the boundaries you set, then please do assume the role of the -mean one- and end it, and put your time towards someone that does want to commit to you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
Waiting For Your Partner To Change
By Frank Kermit
Can people change? Yes, people can change.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and wondering if the person you are with can change, the answer is yes, most anyone can change, if the person can make the commitment to change, the capacity to see it through, and the relative motivation to stick to it through the change process (which can be very challenging at times).
The question is not if the person you are with (or interested in being with) can change. The question you need to be asking is whether or not you wait for that person to change.
The focus is always best directed on the things you can control such as your decision to stay or go, and not on the things you cannot control such as whether or not your partner actually makes a change.
In my practice, I often find myself helping individuals shift their focus from trying to get a partner to change, to focusing instead on why the individual would seek out a partner that needs to perform some kind of change in order to make the relationship work.
It can be an eye opening experience, and a hard shot to the ego, for individuals to realize they may be self sabotaging their chances at being in an emotionally healthy happily satisfying relationship with someone new, by always choosing to date people that must change in order for any relationship to function.
When seeking a long-term partner, a key ingredient to relationship success is to find someone that you can take as is. If the person you are attracted too must change something in order to continue to be in a long-term relationship with you, it is best not to attempt to get serious with that person to begin with.
You do not get serious with someone because of who that person may become in a few years time. You get serious with someone because of who he or she is RIGHT NOW. And if the person he or she is RIGHT NOW is not good enough for you, do not commit.
Time is a resource that is irreplaceable and unreplenishable. When you hang around someone that is not ready or willing to change in order for your relationship to get serious or move to the next level, you are wasting your time.
The time you lose lingering is time you will never get back. More importantly, it is time that you could have used to find someone that is ALREADY the person that you can have a serious relationship with RIGHT NOW.
If you are dating someone that needs to change in order for the two of you to be more serious together, and your partner is dragging his or her heels about it, do not put your life on hold waiting for your partner to change.
It is OK to have hope that your partner will change, but do not cut yourself off from meeting and dating new people, while you hope that the person you currently favor will change to meet your needs. Use the time your partner needs to change to explore all of your other relationship options.
There are certain situations where waiting for a certain change in your partner to take your relationship to the next level makes sense. For example, waiting for both you and your partner to finish an education and get a career started before starting a family, is the kind of waiting for a partner to change that makes some sense, because there is already a willingness and existing commitment in place.
However, there are certain decisions are too important to wait on such as moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having children, and other values individuals may consider very important such as moving to a new city, changing religion, getting sober, or legally ending a pervious relationship status.
When everything else has been discussed, and you have acted reasonable with realistic expectations, and it is just a matter of taking that next step, and your partner is either not able, nor willing, then you may need to take some time for yourself to evaluate if your partner is worth the wait.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Dating is Off Limits
Off Limits Dating
By Frank Kermit
Mastering the art of dating requires a number of skills such as being socially calibrated, effective communication and knowing what you want. One of the areas that comes up for many people who are trying to figure out why they are still single when they would rather be in a relationship is that they need to build up their skills in being able to identify who is considered off limits in their dating lives.
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for off limits people is where you identify someone as a potential dating partner that, for whatever reason, you are unable to pursue a romantic encounter with at this time, but that you would be open to trying to connect with that person in the future, if circumstances were too change.
For example, you are interested in dating someone that is currently in a committed relationship, and instead of trying to break up that relationship, you choose to wait and see if that relationship will run its course and end on its own without any interference from you. It is your decision that when that person becomes available at a later time (if ever), you will make your move and intentions known to try and make a date happen, but in the meanwhile, you will go about your life and date others to find a potential soul mate.
It is very important to note that it is rarely a good idea to close yourself off from dating other people when you would be interested in dating someone that you current deem as Off Limits. That is a critical mistake singles make that keep them single and trapped in the realm of Singledom. Deeming someone Off Limits, does not mean you wait for that person to be single. It means that you keep an open mind if and when that person ever becomes single in the future.
Time plays a very important role in how you manage to decide if and when you will date someone that used to be off limits, but has now become available to date. It is up to you to set those boundaries as to when you will and will not take the chance to date someone. For example, you would be interested in dating the partner of someone you currently consider a friend? They date for 6 months, and then break up.
The question is: how long do you wait to try to date the ex of your friend? Do you wait six months? Do you wait a year? Do you move in right away before your friend and your friend’s ex have a chance to reconcile? These are not easy questions to answer, but it is better to set your own rules ahead of time, because when the situation happens, how you feel you want to handle it, and what is in your best interests on how to handle it, may be very different decisions.
Another example is when you are interested in dating someone you met through your work environment. With so many potential issues that come with getting involved with a co-worker, many people see all work related contacts as Off Limits. However, what if someone leaves the company or changes profession such that they are no longer a work related contact? Once again, do you make your move right away, or do you wait until a certain time period has past? And if you do wait, how long do you wait before you make a move? Only you can decide for yourself.
Knowing how long you wait, or if you should deem someone Off Limits, is based on whether or not you are prepared for the consequences of dating that person. Willing to risk your job by trying to date a co-worker? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to risk losing your friend by trying to date your friend’s ex? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to date someone that your family dislikes and get cut out of the inheritance? Not Off Limits for you.
However, if you are not willing to take a risk and suffer the consequences of trying to date someone, keep that person Off Limits. Keep in mind, that the consequences do not just come from actually dating someone. You may get rejected right from the get go, and never even make it to a first date, but you could still suffer some of those consequences just for trying to make something happen.
If you deem someone Off Limits, make it for a good reason, and when in doubt, stick to it as best you can.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Make Relationships Less Violent
Making Relationships Less Violent
is Making the World Less Violent
By Frank Kermit
Are we a more violent society? With the headlines as of late, it could easily feel that way. Everything from gay-porn serial killers, to midnight movie jokers with guns, to Toronto house party gang wars, to football administrations turning a blind eye about the sexual abuse of players, to hate crime murders based on sexual orientation, to families who murder their own children under honor killings, to teenage bullies tormenting elderly bus monitors and the list goes on. One would wonder if we really are a society getting more violent and desensitized to violence.
Then, a sober moment to reflect on history depicts another story. Violence is not a new phenomenon. Violence has been one of our companions in time. Romans fed Christians to the lions, women were tortured and killed for being accused of practicing witchcraft, and millions have died over time due to conflicts based on race, property conquests, religious crusades, slavery, and more. It is very easy for many to forget that not too long ago, even the concept of gender-equality and human rights were considered preposterous.
If there is a circle of life, then alongside it is a circle of violence. People who act violent help insight others to act violent. Although human beings are to be held accountable for their individual behaviors, it is no secret that as a species, we are very influence-able creatures. Constant exposure to violence desensitizes us to violence. Each person has a choice of whether or not they will participate in the circle of violence. If a person does not have the choice in the matter, or control over a situation where violence takes place, there are in most cases a way to separate themselves from those situations. You may not control the person who abuses you at home, or you may not control the situation of the enablers in the house that are part of the problem of allowing the abuse to take place. However, with enough planning, and locating resources, you can work towards removing yourself from that household to get away from such a toxic environment instead of staying and hoping the violence will stop.
Serial killers, movie theater murderers and even bullies on a school bus all have one thing in common at their core. They all attach no value to human life, especially those human lives they deem to be vulnerable. It does not matter if the person heads up an organized mass assault on civilians, or if the person secretly attacks and kills an unwanted homeless person, or if the person belittles a classmate over the Internet for being different. At their core, the same source for the different kinds of violence exists: the inability to value all human life equally.
Do not think you are any better a person just because you only hit your spouse, or verbally insult your kids instead of walking into a shopping center with a weapon. It is not the degree of violence. It is the fact that you have chosen to be a part of the circle of violence at all. Maybe you are not the one that committed the greater acts of violence; but you are part of the violence culture that cultivated those same killers.
When coaching individuals, and especially couples, the shock and surprise they experience when they discover that part of their routine squabbles are actually acts of violence to one another is often a first step to either full reconciliation, or the end of the relationship.
Explaining to a man that using name calling in anger against his wife is an act of verbal abuse, takes him aback as he never thought of himself as an abuser; he just though of himself as angry. Explaining to a young woman that sending mixed signals to her boyfriend and constantly threatening to leave him for not reading her mind is emotional abuse, stuns her as she never thought of it as abuse; it is just the way she thought relationships were suppose to work.
It is thought that most violence is gendered in that men are more physically abusive and that women are more emotionally abusive. A study that was lectured about at a Dr Steve Stosney Montreal seminar in 2010 mentioned that as regards gendered abuse, "girls are catching up" with the boys regarding rates of abuse.
In my own practice, I find no correlation between gender and abuse. Both male and female sexual predators exist; both the mother and the father can be culpable of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence and neglect upon their children. Stories about their being the good gender and the bad gender in relationships, are comforting but often that is all they are: stories of comfort.
We all have choices to make. We all can make mistakes, but mistakes or not, we all can make choices. If you have a problem with resulting to violence with your loved ones, there are programs available for anger management, competent physiotherapy, and compassion training programs. If the violent behavior is relative to using drugs and alcohol there are support groups to help with those challenges as well. What is your highest core value? Do you want to be a member of the circle of violence? You have a choice.
If you want to help yourself get out of the habit of any violent behaviors you could be exhibiting, it is not just about your family and loved ones. It is about adopting a new way of living. At the core of adopting a non-violent way of life is holding a very highly regarded value for human life, specifically human beings that come across as vulnerable.
This means if you feel like making an anonymous Internet attack through an online comment, where the sole purpose of your comment is to insult or hurt someone, you do not do it. This means that if you want to jump on the bandwagon to assassinate someone's character, in a situation that you know nothing about, you do not do it. This means that you do not make fun of any group of people for any reason including, but not limited to race, religion, body shape, intelligence, where those people commonly shop and so on. On the circle of violence there is very little distance between the bullies on the school bus, and the killers of the cinema. At their core, the same lack of value towards human life is the same. Only the degree of their unchecked violent actions is different.
Next time you want to put someone down, whether your loved one or not, stop. Otherwise, you are part of the problem of violence in the world, not part of the solution to rid the world of violence through acceptance, compassion, education, tolerance and the many other tools we have to eliminate violence as an option.
So do we live in a more violent society than ever before? I do not know. I do believe that we know more about ways to handle violent tendencies than ever before, and that is what I focus on as key to helping to make the world a better place.
You have a choice.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Scared Single
Scared Single
By Frank Kermit
Over the last few years I have witnessed the emergence of what I would almost call a new category of singles. Singles, who continue to remain single, primarily out of fear. I refer to people in this group as the Scared Single.
What makes these individuals so interesting is that the vast majority of them do not have any experience being in an actual relationship.
If someone was married, and then suffered an abusive relationship and/or nasty divorce, and wound up scared to date again, then being too scared to enter into relationships would make sense to most people.
If someone grew up in a household that was emotionally unhealthy, or witnessed horrible interactions between parents and/or other adults, then being too scared to enter into relationships would make sense to most people.
However, a significant number of people are choosing to resist being committal in any sort of romantic relation, and some even refuse to bother dating at all. They are actively choosing to completely by-pass any need for getting seriously involved with another human being, and are insisting on a childfree existence.
Many are adult aged virgins (of both genders) that have never had a serious significant other. The closest thing to a relationship most have had is a long-standing crush on a person they never actually dated.
Now, just so my position is clear, there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to remain single, choosing not to date, and opting to remain childfree. No one should be forced to take on any sort of relationship role that he or she is neither interested in nor comfortable with. In fact, forcing people who are not interested in dating to date, or start families, is unethical.
What intrigues me is to understand where the fear comes from. I am often quoted that 50% of marriages fail. This is true. However, that also indicates that 50% of marriages succeed. Here is where it becomes of interest to me.
When such a person insists they are happy with their style of life (and there are people who are happy with such lifestyle choices), when bother coming to see a Dating and Relationship Coach? People, who are happy with their life, do not seek the validation of others to fortify their choices or complain about being single.
At the heart of fear of relationships, we can see a fear of loss (getting something and then losing in the future), and we can see a fear of rejection (asking for something you want and being refused it), and we can see a fear of conflict (wanting to please others so badly that you submerge your own desires).
However, for the group of Scared Single, I think the fear may be something a little more personal. Many Scared Single, simply do not trust themselves enough to be able to attract what they want, and to be able to know how to keep it.
Essentially the Scared Single, do not have enough knowledge about what they want, and have no concept about the boundaries they have to balance out what they do not want. When I work with the Scared Single, a HUGE issue is the inability to weed out and spot the red flags, so that they do not get saddled dating the wrong person.
It takes a lot of courage to overcome the fears at the core of a Scared Single. Sometimes, the pain of being alone has to outweigh the pain of dating. That may take quite of bit of time to accumulate, as most Scared Single, find dating to be demoralizing (too many unrealistic expectations based on fantasy, that reality can never live up to).
There is a lot of letting go for the Scared Single to be ready to move to the next level in order to find love. It takes a level of acceptance and maturity that not every Scared Single has the motivation to achieve.
Just like all areas of life, it is the enemy within that is the toughest demon to slay.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Work Romances
Work Romances: Dating on the Job
By Frank Kermit
It is said that about 30% of couples met through work in some capacity. From bosses who marry the secretary to employees from different departments making special connections, to police officers and citizens making a spark after the issuing of a speeding ticket. There is no limit to the stories of work romances.
However, there are risks to dating someone that you work with, and it is a good idea to keep these in mind.
First, there may be company policies where you work about such romances. Some companies require the employee couple to report to the Human Resources Department to announce their involvement just in case there might be a conflict of interest that company wants to avoid.
Other companies have very strict rules of absolutely no fraternization between co-workers, employees and or clients of the business, which may lead to termination if the rules are not followed.
Then there are those consequences to deal with, even if the relationship goes very well. For one thing, if and when your coworkers learn of your romance it can lead the two of you to headline the office gossip.
Another challenge couples discover, is managing to keep their private life and their work life separate.
Having to wait until you get home to have a more private conversation, and having to wait until you get into work to have a work related conversation proves to be more difficult than people can imagine.
In fact, some people find it exceptionally difficult not to be able to vent about the job during off hours to their partner, out of worry that something they say may come back to the work place in ways that were unintended to be shared.
Lastly, a partner may be in the unpleasant position of holding back from disciplining other employees because of the role of the other partner has related to those employees.
Finally there is the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace as it relates to work romances. I asked a former manager of mine about sexual harassment claims made on the job.
She informed me that all claims are investigated and about 50% of them that she investigated regularly produced evidence that prove the acts were consensual.
Usually the acts that took place on the work premises during a time when the two individuals were secretly romantically involved.
She described these cases as relationships that went south, and someone seeking revenge through allegations.
In those cases both the employees involved usually get reprimanded for acting on their relations on work premises, and not for the relations themselves.
So here are some basics to keep in mind:
-Keep all relational talk or physicality off the premises
-Keep evidence of your involvement (emails, photos, etc…) that prove there was consent of togetherness even if it is off the premises, just in case of a revenge allegation later on
-Try to keep your office relationship a secret at first until you are sure it is serious enough to announce to your coworkers, but not so secret as to avoid keeping evidence of your involvement
-Be aware of any company policies that could affect you, your partner and your careers
-Do your best to keep your two worlds separate.
Is the person you are dating worth all the risk?
Only you can know if the risk is worth it for you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your ex starts to date again
When Your Ex Starts Dating Again
By Frank Kermit
Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience.
At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing.
With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again.
When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you.
After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners.
On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new.
That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate.
After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date.
Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view).
At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it".
This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment.
All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up.
Never play head games.
One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate.
If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them.
Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you.
There is no cheating because you ended the relationship.
There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here.
You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know.
If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available.
If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you.
It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend.
It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser.
It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you.
It does not mean you were betrayed.
It does not mean you weren't loved.
All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her.
Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you?
The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex.
Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business.
Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating: It's All Or Nothing
All Or Nothing Dating
By Frank Kermit
There is little point in constantly continuing to pursue someone that has rejected you repeatedly in the past.
When you ask someone out, and that person says no, but would rather remain friends, think very carefully before agreeing to it. There is a difference between dating as friends as a means to get to know one another enough to see if there is a potential for a relationship, and being just friends and hanging out as friends with no intention of moving it to the next level.
When the person you ask out is someone new in your life that does not know you well enough; there is no shame in a rejection. That rejection may have nothing to do with you per se as that other person may have things going on that make starting a new relationship very challenging (such as still on again off again dating of an ex). However, when that person that rejected you happens to be someone that has been friends with you for quite some time, it is an insult.
Yes, an insult. It is not that you got rejected from immediately going on a romantic date. What makes it an insult is that the friend in question is not even open to trying to build a romantic relationship with you. It is one thing if your friend claims he or she never thought of you in that way, but is open to going out a couple of times to give the two of you a chance. It is quite another when that “friend” makes it clear that your friendship wasn’t valuable enough to give it a chance for romance.
Most people feel that valuing a friendship means you never take it into a romantic realm. I disagree. There is no value in maintaining friendships with people who are romantically interested in you. At best the person with feelings will end up feeling used and resentful over time, and at worst, the person will continue to forge a friendship in the HOPES that the nature of the non-romantic connection will change over time. Both situations can be emotionally damaging for the person who continues to long for something more, and to have those affections unreturned.
The BEST thing that can happen is that the friend agrees to give the two of you a fair chance at romance. One of two things will happen. You either will end up in a relationship, or you will not. Is it possible that a break up down the road (whether after a longer relationship, or just a couple of dates) could end the friendship? Of course! That is one of the risks of dating; getting to know someone enough and having experiences with them that you end up not liking the person at all.
However, the real secret is that the friendship in question is already dead. The moment that one of you proclaims affection and a desire to move things forward, for all intent purposes, the friendship is over and the only way to show respect for, and salvage the friendship, is to give it a real chance at becoming something more than just a friendship.
A friendship that does not merit even taking a chance at turning to love was never a real friendship. The sooner people realize it, the sooner they can build long term relationships that actually have the base to withstand what causes many couples in love to succumb to divorce.
Frank Kermit
