- Published on
The Problem is YOU
The Common Element in
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
All Your Dating Dilemmas
By Frank Kermit
You. Yes, you. The common element in all of your dating dilemmas is and will always be you.
In my practice, I often get asked questions pertaining to why there are no good women, or no good men out in the world.
Specifically, I am asked why every woman out there is malicious, and asked why every man out there is a jerk?
The answer is, not every woman out there is malicious and not every man out there is a jerk.
However, if every single person YOU have dated all seem to have the exact same problematic characteristics, then perhaps it is time to ask, if you might be part of the problem.
It is always possible that even the most level headed of us occasionally makes a bad choice, or is mistaken once in a while in terms of our ability to judge a character.
There are manipulators in the world who are masterfully skilled in lying and deception that even some of the most astute individuals may fall victim to.
There is no shame in being fooled once. That is part of the learning process of life experience. However, if you fall prey to these kinds of romantic hooligans on multiple paths to romance havens, it is time to check your love-compass for a tune up.
The common element is not that every guy or gal you dated cheated on you, lied to you, swindled you out of money, hurt you, broke promises to you, wrecked your car, got you arrested, hit you, hid a major secret from you, played mind games on you or anything else you want to add to the list of charges.
The common element is that you keep choosing to date people that exhibit these characteristics and refuse to learn to pay attention to red flags.
You may not always be able to choose the people you are attracted to, but you are always in control of your choices in terms of whom you date. However, there is something you can do about it right now to keep you from repeating this behavior pattern.
Identify some personal boundaries about what you deem unacceptable behavior towards you, communicate those boundaries early on in the dating process when you meet someone new, and if that person crosses your boundaries in small ways at the beginning, you walk away before you give that person a chance to majorly violate those boundaries later on.
The ability to follow your own personal rules for the standards regarding how you require to be treated by others, is one of the best, and sometimes the only sure fire way to assert your boundaries, and pull yourself out of a questionable or bad situation. This cannot be based on how you feel in the moment.
In the moment, if you are used to being mistreated when dating, it may actually feel inappropriate, or even wrong, to end dating someone that you may already be attached too.
That is why clear boundaries are so important. They are the guidelines you must follow, even when your heart is clouding your head with emotional screams of excuses, hopes and justifications.
Thus, even when your heart can be misguided, and your mind may be confused; your boundaries will always guide you to your best option for long-term happiness. It’s all in you.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When Dating is Off Limits
Off Limits Dating
By Frank Kermit
Mastering the art of dating requires a number of skills such as being socially calibrated, effective communication and knowing what you want. One of the areas that comes up for many people who are trying to figure out why they are still single when they would rather be in a relationship is that they need to build up their skills in being able to identify who is considered off limits in their dating lives.
In the hierarchy of relationships, the category for off limits people is where you identify someone as a potential dating partner that, for whatever reason, you are unable to pursue a romantic encounter with at this time, but that you would be open to trying to connect with that person in the future, if circumstances were too change.
For example, you are interested in dating someone that is currently in a committed relationship, and instead of trying to break up that relationship, you choose to wait and see if that relationship will run its course and end on its own without any interference from you. It is your decision that when that person becomes available at a later time (if ever), you will make your move and intentions known to try and make a date happen, but in the meanwhile, you will go about your life and date others to find a potential soul mate.
It is very important to note that it is rarely a good idea to close yourself off from dating other people when you would be interested in dating someone that you current deem as Off Limits. That is a critical mistake singles make that keep them single and trapped in the realm of Singledom. Deeming someone Off Limits, does not mean you wait for that person to be single. It means that you keep an open mind if and when that person ever becomes single in the future.
Time plays a very important role in how you manage to decide if and when you will date someone that used to be off limits, but has now become available to date. It is up to you to set those boundaries as to when you will and will not take the chance to date someone. For example, you would be interested in dating the partner of someone you currently consider a friend? They date for 6 months, and then break up.
The question is: how long do you wait to try to date the ex of your friend? Do you wait six months? Do you wait a year? Do you move in right away before your friend and your friend’s ex have a chance to reconcile? These are not easy questions to answer, but it is better to set your own rules ahead of time, because when the situation happens, how you feel you want to handle it, and what is in your best interests on how to handle it, may be very different decisions.
Another example is when you are interested in dating someone you met through your work environment. With so many potential issues that come with getting involved with a co-worker, many people see all work related contacts as Off Limits. However, what if someone leaves the company or changes profession such that they are no longer a work related contact? Once again, do you make your move right away, or do you wait until a certain time period has past? And if you do wait, how long do you wait before you make a move? Only you can decide for yourself.
Knowing how long you wait, or if you should deem someone Off Limits, is based on whether or not you are prepared for the consequences of dating that person. Willing to risk your job by trying to date a co-worker? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to risk losing your friend by trying to date your friend’s ex? Not Off Limits for you. Willing to date someone that your family dislikes and get cut out of the inheritance? Not Off Limits for you.
However, if you are not willing to take a risk and suffer the consequences of trying to date someone, keep that person Off Limits. Keep in mind, that the consequences do not just come from actually dating someone. You may get rejected right from the get go, and never even make it to a first date, but you could still suffer some of those consequences just for trying to make something happen.
If you deem someone Off Limits, make it for a good reason, and when in doubt, stick to it as best you can.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Make Relationships Less Violent
Making Relationships Less Violent
is Making the World Less Violent
By Frank Kermit
Are we a more violent society? With the headlines as of late, it could easily feel that way. Everything from gay-porn serial killers, to midnight movie jokers with guns, to Toronto house party gang wars, to football administrations turning a blind eye about the sexual abuse of players, to hate crime murders based on sexual orientation, to families who murder their own children under honor killings, to teenage bullies tormenting elderly bus monitors and the list goes on. One would wonder if we really are a society getting more violent and desensitized to violence.
Then, a sober moment to reflect on history depicts another story. Violence is not a new phenomenon. Violence has been one of our companions in time. Romans fed Christians to the lions, women were tortured and killed for being accused of practicing witchcraft, and millions have died over time due to conflicts based on race, property conquests, religious crusades, slavery, and more. It is very easy for many to forget that not too long ago, even the concept of gender-equality and human rights were considered preposterous.
If there is a circle of life, then alongside it is a circle of violence. People who act violent help insight others to act violent. Although human beings are to be held accountable for their individual behaviors, it is no secret that as a species, we are very influence-able creatures. Constant exposure to violence desensitizes us to violence. Each person has a choice of whether or not they will participate in the circle of violence. If a person does not have the choice in the matter, or control over a situation where violence takes place, there are in most cases a way to separate themselves from those situations. You may not control the person who abuses you at home, or you may not control the situation of the enablers in the house that are part of the problem of allowing the abuse to take place. However, with enough planning, and locating resources, you can work towards removing yourself from that household to get away from such a toxic environment instead of staying and hoping the violence will stop.
Serial killers, movie theater murderers and even bullies on a school bus all have one thing in common at their core. They all attach no value to human life, especially those human lives they deem to be vulnerable. It does not matter if the person heads up an organized mass assault on civilians, or if the person secretly attacks and kills an unwanted homeless person, or if the person belittles a classmate over the Internet for being different. At their core, the same source for the different kinds of violence exists: the inability to value all human life equally.
Do not think you are any better a person just because you only hit your spouse, or verbally insult your kids instead of walking into a shopping center with a weapon. It is not the degree of violence. It is the fact that you have chosen to be a part of the circle of violence at all. Maybe you are not the one that committed the greater acts of violence; but you are part of the violence culture that cultivated those same killers.
When coaching individuals, and especially couples, the shock and surprise they experience when they discover that part of their routine squabbles are actually acts of violence to one another is often a first step to either full reconciliation, or the end of the relationship.
Explaining to a man that using name calling in anger against his wife is an act of verbal abuse, takes him aback as he never thought of himself as an abuser; he just though of himself as angry. Explaining to a young woman that sending mixed signals to her boyfriend and constantly threatening to leave him for not reading her mind is emotional abuse, stuns her as she never thought of it as abuse; it is just the way she thought relationships were suppose to work.
It is thought that most violence is gendered in that men are more physically abusive and that women are more emotionally abusive. A study that was lectured about at a Dr Steve Stosney Montreal seminar in 2010 mentioned that as regards gendered abuse, "girls are catching up" with the boys regarding rates of abuse.
In my own practice, I find no correlation between gender and abuse. Both male and female sexual predators exist; both the mother and the father can be culpable of physical violence, sexual violence, emotional violence and neglect upon their children. Stories about their being the good gender and the bad gender in relationships, are comforting but often that is all they are: stories of comfort.
We all have choices to make. We all can make mistakes, but mistakes or not, we all can make choices. If you have a problem with resulting to violence with your loved ones, there are programs available for anger management, competent physiotherapy, and compassion training programs. If the violent behavior is relative to using drugs and alcohol there are support groups to help with those challenges as well. What is your highest core value? Do you want to be a member of the circle of violence? You have a choice.
If you want to help yourself get out of the habit of any violent behaviors you could be exhibiting, it is not just about your family and loved ones. It is about adopting a new way of living. At the core of adopting a non-violent way of life is holding a very highly regarded value for human life, specifically human beings that come across as vulnerable.
This means if you feel like making an anonymous Internet attack through an online comment, where the sole purpose of your comment is to insult or hurt someone, you do not do it. This means that if you want to jump on the bandwagon to assassinate someone's character, in a situation that you know nothing about, you do not do it. This means that you do not make fun of any group of people for any reason including, but not limited to race, religion, body shape, intelligence, where those people commonly shop and so on. On the circle of violence there is very little distance between the bullies on the school bus, and the killers of the cinema. At their core, the same lack of value towards human life is the same. Only the degree of their unchecked violent actions is different.
Next time you want to put someone down, whether your loved one or not, stop. Otherwise, you are part of the problem of violence in the world, not part of the solution to rid the world of violence through acceptance, compassion, education, tolerance and the many other tools we have to eliminate violence as an option.
So do we live in a more violent society than ever before? I do not know. I do believe that we know more about ways to handle violent tendencies than ever before, and that is what I focus on as key to helping to make the world a better place.
You have a choice.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Finding Your Life Calling
In Our Moments of Crisis,
Is Our Life Calling
By Frank Kermit
Part of my work in helping people find and attract their soul mate match includes helping people find their life calling. Once a person knows what their calling in life is, it dictates their lifestyles, reflects their personal core values, and makes it much easier to figure out the kind of person they should seek out for a serious relationship.
Finding their calling is about giving meaning to why they are alive. It is about discovering a purpose, and a means of contributing to the world. When a human being has found a purpose in life, there is a certain fulfillment that completes them; in ways they may not have known they were missing beforehand.
Although finding their calling is not always necessary to structure a life plan (which is about planning your life from this moment, all the way to the moment of your death and telling your loved ones how you want your remains to be dealt with), it does make structuring a life plan much easier.
Having that life plan in place helps individuals focus on the kinds of people they should be dating, and even helps you locate where you would most likely meet those potential life partners.
For example, if you know that your life plan involves living in another country 6 months out of the year, then when seeking a life partner to support that lifestyle and travel with you, you must find someone that likes to travel, has no commitments that ties them down, and has the same value system you do.
Finding your life calling, and creating a life plan detailing your day-to-day can be a daunting task. The first place that most people explore when seeking a life calling is to figure out what it is they like. That is one of the ways that a person can choose a job or career they may find fulfilling, but not always.
In my practice, as well as through my personal experience, I have found that in our moments of personal crisis, we can find our deeper life calling. What we learn about ourselves, during our most traumatic moments, can also be the life lessons needed to direct us on the path of hearing the call of our life’s mission.
Many philanthropists, great leaders, entrepreneur’s come from stories of pain that drive them to finding ways to change the world. At times, it could be something like an incident as a child of seeing other children at risk that pushes a person to become a police officer, family law advocate, or even a social worker.
A person whose family once went hungry or ended up evicted may devote their life to teaching people how to live off the grid or enroll in the doomsday prep movement.
Many years ago, I was stood up at my prom, lost my ex-fiancé to one of my then best friends, and later ended up near suicidal shortly after a further series of heartbreaks.
In my attempts to heal my own wounds and learn some very tough life lessons about love, these traumatic events in my life, were in fact the building blocks for my practice as a dating and relationship coach.
If you are struggling to figure out your life path, and want to do so in order to help you find your soul mate, look at the crisis in your life, and start asking yourself if you really have learned every lesson you needed to learn, in order to be able to contribute to the world. Once you have that answer, you are one step closer to finding your life mission AND your life partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Mementos of the Ex: Stay or Go?
The Ex Mementos:
Should They Stay or Should They Go?
By Frank Kermit
I was listening to a radio show where the hosts were discussing a subject that I often see in my practice when counseling couples.
The situation was that the host, who was newly married, had discovered that his wife was in the possession of a ring that had been given to her by an ex of hers.
Some of the questions that came up in the discussion included if he should be worried about it, was it a sign she was not over her ex, should she have gotten rid of the ring when she got married, why he was not told about it, and if he should request that she get rid of it.
Just to be clear, the ring was a gift when she and her ex were dating, but the ring itself was not an engagement ring of any sort.
Keeping past gifts from ex partners can be a very touchy subject for some people.
Some people do not care either way, as they do not read into those keepsake items as souvenirs or reminders of the past.
While others may feel threatened about their partners having relics honoring a past love.
What ends up being a bigger matter than most partners assume, is the issue of a partner feeling like something was hidden from him or her.
When a partner finds out that that items in question may be a memorial to the past, the fact that the partner was not informed about the origins of the token of affection, can lead some partners to feeling suspicious about what other "secrets" are being kept hidden.
In most related cases that I see in my practice, there is rarely anything that is maliciously hidden.
It tends to have more to do with the fact that the topic of ex mementos just never came up.
Resolving this particular issue can sometimes simply come down to whether or not the couple can enjoy the memento together.
The line being drawn is whether or not they both get to enjoy the benefits of the memento.
If they can, it seems most new partners do not seem to mind as much.
For example, if the memento in question is a DVD of a movie, some new partners may not have a problem with it, even if it was a gift received in a previous relationship from an ex, as the new couple can enjoy the movie together.
However, I also see in my practice that certain details associated with such gifts might make even the most open minded new partner and the most seemingly unsuspecting knickknack a relic that has got to go.
For example, if that same particular DVD movie mentioned above was a particular favorite to play loudly to cover up the noises of intimacy in a previous less-than-soundproof-apartment, it could leave some friction with a new partner.
It is those additional details that make ex mementos such a necessary topic of discussion, especially for new couples.
There are different kinds of mementos that factor in greatly to whether or not it might be too much for a new partner to accept.
For example, safety alarm key chains, and photos taken at family social circle gatherings are on a far different level than personal massage units and amateur homemade sex tapes.
Some of the worst examples I see in my practice is that the mementos in question, are not necessarily from a past ex, but instead from an ex affair that took place at the time the current relationship existed.
Although the nature of the actual gizmo may be different, the bottom-line constant consideration is always the same: your memento or your relationship?
The debate is one where the couple is trying to strike a balance between trusting one another (that there are no emotional strings attached to a past partner), and respecting a boundary for each individual in the couple (not to be forced to give up property).
The item may very well be a meaningless trophy of a love past, but if a new partner feels very violated by the retaining of the memento, a person may end up with a very uncomfortable decision.
If something is truly meaningless, then it should be no problem to get rid of it.
However, forcing a partner to get rid of it could create resentment between the couple (which is sad, given that if you are in a serious relationship, holding on to a meaningless mementos based on principle should not take priority over the violated feelings of your partner).
In today's age of dating, the realistic perspective is that the person you date today, whether casually, or even seriously, are likely not going to be the person you end up with as a life partner.
Given the stats on successful marriages can be about 50% it is more important than ever that we all pick and choose our battles accordingly.
Deciding to keep or discard mementos is not as clear-cut as some would hope, given that the new partners you discard them for, may themselves get discarded sooner than later as well.
What I do suggest is that people make an effort to align themselves in romantic relationships with others who have compatible beliefs about how mementos from exs need to be managed.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
If you are tired of making bad choices in life, now is the time to get The Art of Calibration From Creepy To Charisma
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
- Published on
understanding the suicide mind
UNDERSTANDING THE SUICIDE MIND
by Frank Kermit
May 28, 2016, updated on April 19, 2018
In order to try and understand why someone may consider suicide an option, you must first enter the mindset. A person contemplating suicide is not taking the easy way out.
The person is simply in so much pain, in such a head space, that suicide seems like the only way to escape that pain.
To give you an idea of how a suicidal mind distorts perception, a suicidal person has the belief that all those people who love him or her, would actually be better off without them. It does not make logical sense.
THAT IS THE POINT!
It is NOT going to make sense. That is just one of the ways the suicidal mind distorts the perception of reality.
Here is another to help you understand:
When you are feeling down, it is still possible to remember a time when you felt happy.
When you are in a suicidal mind state, the distortion on reality is that you can NOT remember a time you ever felt happy.
That is, in part, what contributes to someone feeling suicide is an option.
Divorced and single people, according to Stats Canada, commit suicide more often than married people. Partly because those who are divorced suffer greater losses than those who are simply alone. But in both cases, a very real factor is at play.
A person who is having a suicidal mindset needs someone OUTSIDE OF THEIR OWN MIND (another person outside him or her self) to help break the suicidal mind state.
Even then, depending on the degree of mental illness, it still may not be enough for certain individuals.
I am writing this because I see many people right now in mourning.
Anger, resentment and bitterness is PART of the mourning process.
That is normal.
However, COMPASSION is part of the HEALING process. You have a choice, you can either show COMPASSION or you can DISPLAY anger to the person who committed suicide.
And in the event you can not find it in yourself to show COMPASSION, because it is simply not an option for you, then you fully understand the mindset of a suicidal person...because that same inability to change your perspective, is exactly what that suicidal person went through.
I wish you all peace and healing.
Frank Kermit
Did you know that Frank Kermit contemplated suicide? He reached a point where he had to make a choice. Either he was going to finally figure out dating, sex, love and relationships, or he was going to kill himself.
That was his breaking point.
Read about his life adventures about the horrible experiences that led to his breakdown, and what he did to turn his life around to living a love life that most people only dream of!
From getting stood up at the prom to having a poly date on Valentine's Day. From losing his ex-fiance to his best friend to getting his ex back 7 years later! From 5 years of no sex, to having 5 lovers and girlfriends at the same time.
From Loser To Seducer.
From Zero To Hero
- Published on
Social development with CPSTD and Depression
Originally published May 17, 2016, Updated on April 20, 2018
Dear Friends,
Regularly I will receive emails from past clients sending updates, or current clients keeping me informed in between client sessions. Such a client wrote in to talk about how he is identifying some of his challenges and coming to terms with his abusive pasts.
“HP” is a former adult male virgin that I coached to get into the dating world after emancipating himself from his past by teaching him the Frank Kermit Emotional Needs Analysis system.
With his permission, I am posting this under a pen name for him, to protect his identity, because we both agree that many other people may benefit from his writing. I have invited him to write more articles for my blog as he deems it appropriate.
-Frank
SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT WITH CPSTD AND DEPRESSION
From my experience as someone who is recovering from child abuse, religious cult mind control, depression and complex PTSD. I believe that those conditions can completely stop a person’s social development. Do they have to? Absolutely not!
With persistence and patience a person can develop great social skills. But these conditions will inhibit the development. For that reason it is in the person’s best interest to do everything they possibly can to recover from these conditions as fully as possible.
Before I dive into how these problems have affected my social development, I feel it is necessary to give a brief description of how my upbringing was so destructive.
First of all my family is highly religious and is highly female dominated. My mother is a low functioning narcissist who must have control over everything.
She also has chauvinistic views on males. She subjected me to things such as treating me less than because I am a male, gas lighting, constant shaming, and shunning me when I did not do what she said.
My father is a man who is severely damaged. He is very passive and risk adverse. He is controlled by my mother and he believes masculinity is evil and violent. He did not teach me about the social order or how I could find my place in society.
The area I grew up in is also very dysfunctional. The children I went to school with did not accept me for some reason. I was subject to constant verbal and sometimes physical abuse. That stayed constant for the entirety of my grade school years.
I was three years out of high school. I met up with a religious group called the ****. I ended up joining the group, which turned out to be a religious cult. To be honest it was a step up from the home I grew up with and my grade school situation as well. In that group I was subject to cult brainwashing and gained a view of sexuality that if expressed anyway other than marriage would lead to social rejection.
After nine years of being in that group I finally left at the age of 32. A month after leaving the **** all the damage that was collecting over the years finally came out. I was hit by a serious case of severe Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Now I’ll explain how those conditions affected my social development.
When a person is developing socially by learning about the social arts and gaining experience, they will develop an inner compass and feelings that will empower them to have more success.
But depression creates an inner numbness and pain that snuffs all that inner energy out. It is like a big uncomfortable blanket that covers the soul.
While the person may know what to do and may see some success the energy and feelings of confidence will be completely snuffed out. The person will not feel like they are making any headway at all.
On top of that depression is a complete motivation killer and when the person makes an effort to get out there and make new friendships it often comes across as forced and unenthusiastic.
That energy that connects with others will be missing from the equation. It’s like a big wall that disconnects a person from the outside world.
Now PTSD and Complex PTSD makes the situation even more complicated. Those disorders fill a person with the trauma pain that could have been afflicted years ago, these disorders require special treatment to heal.
So if someone is 35 years old and saw intense prolonged emotional abuse as a child; Those feelings will stay with a person permanently until they get professional help to resolve them.
The way PTSD affects social development is that those feeling of rejection and fear of abandonment will stay with a person while they are learning and much like depression will negate any feelings of confidence and the developing inner compass with anxiety and often deep phobias.
The combination of Depression and PTSD will lead to a very frustrating sense of depression and anxiety. Now throw in the fact that the person is highly motivated to meet new people you now have a deeply conflicted individual.
That is what life is like when you are trying to grow with Depression and CPTSD.
Social development is possible but often slower that with a person who is emotionally healthy starting out. To reach the fullest potential a person I believe a person needs to heal these conditions.
With hard work, perseverance, and patience (in reality it takes a lot time to heal from 30+years of intense abuse) I believe a person can make a suitable recovery to get the life that is waiting or him.
-HP, Dallas, Texas
Dear Friends,
Regularly I will receive emails from past clients sending updates, or current clients keeping me informed in between client sessions. Such a client wrote in to talk about how he is identifying some of his challenges and coming to terms with his abusive pasts.
“HP” is a former adult male virgin that I coached to get into the dating world after emancipating himself from his past by teaching him the Frank Kermit Emotional Needs Analysis system.
With his permission, I am posting this under a pen name for him, to protect his identity, because we both agree that many other people may benefit from his writing. I have invited him to write more articles for my blog as he deems it appropriate.
-Frank
SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT WITH CPSTD AND DEPRESSION
From my experience as someone who is recovering from child abuse, religious cult mind control, depression and complex PTSD. I believe that those conditions can completely stop a person’s social development. Do they have to? Absolutely not!
With persistence and patience a person can develop great social skills. But these conditions will inhibit the development. For that reason it is in the person’s best interest to do everything they possibly can to recover from these conditions as fully as possible.
Before I dive into how these problems have affected my social development, I feel it is necessary to give a brief description of how my upbringing was so destructive.
First of all my family is highly religious and is highly female dominated. My mother is a low functioning narcissist who must have control over everything.
She also has chauvinistic views on males. She subjected me to things such as treating me less than because I am a male, gas lighting, constant shaming, and shunning me when I did not do what she said.
My father is a man who is severely damaged. He is very passive and risk adverse. He is controlled by my mother and he believes masculinity is evil and violent. He did not teach me about the social order or how I could find my place in society.
The area I grew up in is also very dysfunctional. The children I went to school with did not accept me for some reason. I was subject to constant verbal and sometimes physical abuse. That stayed constant for the entirety of my grade school years.
I was three years out of high school. I met up with a religious group called the ****. I ended up joining the group, which turned out to be a religious cult. To be honest it was a step up from the home I grew up with and my grade school situation as well. In that group I was subject to cult brainwashing and gained a view of sexuality that if expressed anyway other than marriage would lead to social rejection.
After nine years of being in that group I finally left at the age of 32. A month after leaving the **** all the damage that was collecting over the years finally came out. I was hit by a serious case of severe Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Now I’ll explain how those conditions affected my social development.
When a person is developing socially by learning about the social arts and gaining experience, they will develop an inner compass and feelings that will empower them to have more success.
But depression creates an inner numbness and pain that snuffs all that inner energy out. It is like a big uncomfortable blanket that covers the soul.
While the person may know what to do and may see some success the energy and feelings of confidence will be completely snuffed out. The person will not feel like they are making any headway at all.
On top of that depression is a complete motivation killer and when the person makes an effort to get out there and make new friendships it often comes across as forced and unenthusiastic.
That energy that connects with others will be missing from the equation. It’s like a big wall that disconnects a person from the outside world.
Now PTSD and Complex PTSD makes the situation even more complicated. Those disorders fill a person with the trauma pain that could have been afflicted years ago, these disorders require special treatment to heal.
So if someone is 35 years old and saw intense prolonged emotional abuse as a child; Those feelings will stay with a person permanently until they get professional help to resolve them.
The way PTSD affects social development is that those feeling of rejection and fear of abandonment will stay with a person while they are learning and much like depression will negate any feelings of confidence and the developing inner compass with anxiety and often deep phobias.
The combination of Depression and PTSD will lead to a very frustrating sense of depression and anxiety. Now throw in the fact that the person is highly motivated to meet new people you now have a deeply conflicted individual.
That is what life is like when you are trying to grow with Depression and CPTSD.
Social development is possible but often slower that with a person who is emotionally healthy starting out. To reach the fullest potential a person I believe a person needs to heal these conditions.
With hard work, perseverance, and patience (in reality it takes a lot time to heal from 30+years of intense abuse) I believe a person can make a suitable recovery to get the life that is waiting or him.
-HP, Dallas, Texas
H.P. did a GREAT JOB is battling his personal demons and conquered a big part of his social development.
He WAS an adult male virgin when he came to me, and signed up for my Adult Male Virgin Coaching Program.
Be like H.P. and sign up now for the Adult Male Virgin Coaching Program. If he can do it, you can do it. Do it now! Working with Frank Kermit is easy, his system works quickly and you can sign up for it right now, Today!
Help for Adult Male Virgins
