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Being Single Can Be Like Winning The Lottery
Being Single is Just Like Winning The Lottery
By Frank Kermit
Updated March 3, 2018
The topic to be discussed is why are so many people still single when we live in a time when there are more ways than ever to meet someone to have a meaningful satisfying loving relationship.
Many years ago, a student of mine asked me the same question of why some people are still single; given all the different ways someone can meet a potential relationship partner. Here is what I told him.
In modern times, being single is just like winning the lottery.
When you are single, you have lots and lots of choices. You can choose to date casually, or seek a serious partner. You can wait or you can rush in.
You can date whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can have sex, or you can abstain.
You can seek out someone to create and parent children with you, or you can seek to have a child on your own. You can choose to use protection and remain childfree if you really want. You can date people of any faith, any culture, any race, and any gender.
You can choose to get married, get engaged, just live with someone...or never get that serious. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
When you win the big lottery, you have lots of and lots of choices.
You can choose to go on major spending sprees, or seek a serious financial planner. You can hold off claiming the winnings and get your plans in order, or you can claim it and rush to make purchases.
You can share your money with whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can invest or you can abstain from investing.
You can seek out partners to create business ventures together. You can let the money sit in the bank and never spend it if you choose to be minimalist if you really want.
You can choose to buy a house, a new car, a collection of assets, or never get into any sort of purchasing. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
The people who end up broke and in worse debt than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in worse situations by wasting time with bad relationship partner choices.
Neither of them have life management skills (in finance and romance) nor did either of them take the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
The people who end up financially stable and even richer than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in the best possible situations by making the most of their time with good relationship partner choices.
The both had life management skills (in finance and romance) and they made the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
If you are single and you want to stop being so, take the time to learn about who you are, what you want out of life, and to figure out who would be the best relationship partner for you.
A successful romantic future is just like a successful financial future; it comes down to making the right investment and managing it for life.
Frank Kermit
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Human Conflicts Are Rarely Cut and Dry
Say It, or Say Nothing at All?
By Frank Kermit
Dear Readers, this question came to me through social media and I thought it was a great discussion to share with you all. The question dealt with the topic of a man (let's call him Michael) who was debating whether or not he should confront a friend of his (let's call him Steve) for saying something that was hurtful.
Michael was having a problem with forgetting something that Steve said to him. Michael was making the effort to let it go and just let it be, but it still kept coming up for him. Michael was wondering if he should approach Steve about the subject, and concerned that it may escalate a conflict between the two. While at the same time Michael was not sure if he could ever just let it go.
When I work with singles and couples, the first tenet of communication in this kind of situation is to clear the air and have the discussion. There are a few notable exceptions such as if you are not able to express yourself calmly, or if you are talking to someone who is toxic and beyond a reasonable discussion.
However barring any extreme situation, it generally stands that if the relationship cannot withstand this sort of discussion, then it begs to question the value of the relationship to begin with.
With that said, for Michael's very specific situation, the answer is rarely cut and dry as there are too many variables that have not been presented. Yes, Michael is upset about something that was said, but it is the context of what was said that will shed some light about the best means to deal with it.
Without understanding the context (the surrounding factors) behind what was said, it is unlikely that any advice will be calibrated. What Michael should do really depends on what was said and the context it was said in.
For example, was it something that violated Michael's boundaries? If so, then Michael should bring it up before it happens again. Otherwise it is possible that Michael will harbor resentment towards Steve, and when resentment grows unchallenged your relationship with that person may be lost anyways.
Was Michael told something that was accurate and needed to take responsibility for even though Michael did not like hearing it? In this case, Michael may in fact need to thank Steve for saying it to him. It is possible that other people were thinking the same thing, but did not have the courage nor cared enough about Michael to bring it to his attention.
For example, was something said to Michael because Michael initially said or did something to hurt Steve, and Steve's backlash was his way of calling Michael out? If that was the context, it could be possible that what is actually bothering Michael is his own conscious due and having to acknowledge his own mistakes.
Human interactions and communications are rarely cut and dry. Most people do not say hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful. Some do...they are the bullies and emotional abusers in the world.
However, when it comes to relationships, keep in mind that if a friend said something to you that hurt you, look at the context to see if there was something in your participation that prompted the remark before you assign total fault to the other party.
Frank Kermit
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Figuring Out What You Want For Dating
Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
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When your ex starts to date again
When Your Ex Starts Dating Again
By Frank Kermit
Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience.
At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing.
With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again.
When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you.
After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners.
On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new.
That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate.
After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date.
Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view).
At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it".
This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment.
All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up.
Never play head games.
One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate.
If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them.
Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you.
There is no cheating because you ended the relationship.
There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here.
You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know.
If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available.
If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you.
It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend.
It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser.
It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you.
It does not mean you were betrayed.
It does not mean you weren't loved.
All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her.
Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you?
The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex.
Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business.
Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up.
Frank Kermit
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Primary Partners in Open Relationships
Primary Partners in Open Relationships
By Frank Kermit
In the hierarchy of relationships and dating, the position of Primary Partner on the Non-Monogamous Branch of the hierarchy, which is the level equal to Exclusive Partner on the Monogamous branch, often raises a number of eyebrows. After all, it seems almost a contradiction in terms to say that someone is primary to you, if you are still dating other people. Yet, that is exactly what it means. When you are in some kind of open-relationship structure where you and your partner come to terms with having certain permissions for one, or both of you, to date other people then the issue becomes how to define what separates and makes your Primary Partner a distinct priority, over your other non-exclusive partners.
For some people, this can be an easily made distinction. The Primary Partner is deemed to be the only partner that is being considered as a future fiancé, spouse, and life partner. (This may even include the idea of becoming parents with the Primary Partner).
For others, this can be a very confusing set of parameters that can be ever changing with a Primary Partner being demoted to Secondary Partner, and a Secondary Partner being promoted to Primary depending on circumstances which may be beyond the control of the people involved. For example, if two people consider each other a Primary Partner in an open relationship, but one of them is called away on a work assignment or for school, to travel away from home for an extended period of time (could be months, even years), then the Primary Partner position may rarely be stable.
A Primary Partner enjoys certain rights and privileges that other non-exclusive partners do not share in. These may include rules such as, only Primary Partners may engage in unprotected sex, the Primary Partner is the only one to meet members of the significant others family and friends, and the Primary Partner gets a say (maybe even a Veto) on who else can become a non-exclusive partner of the significant other.
It is up to the individuals in the relationships to decide what rules they will follow, based on what they believe they can and cannot handle. However, there are some basic general rules to help newcomers to non-monogamy navigate a multi-partner lifestyle.
Never define a partner as being a Primary Partner just because you end up happening to spend lots of time with that partner. The amount of time you spend with someone can be an indicator of the level of commitment you share, but it is not, nor should it be, the sole telling criteria.
It is highly suggested that you do not make someone your Primary Partner who does not consider you a Primary as well. Making someone your Primary when you are that person’s Secondary (or lower down the hierarchy) means that your needs and concerns come after your Primary Partners other partner(s) who are more a Primary priority than you. However, this does not apply for individuals who enjoy a lifestyle of not being, nor having, a Primary. Some individuals thrive on their freedom, and likely do not even consider the partner they connect with most, a primary. In fact, it is very possible to be involved with multiple people, without ever having a true Primary Partner because of the extra responsibility that it would entail.
Is it ever possible to have two Primary Partners? For example, do those individuals that actually want to seek out two husbands, or two wives, aim to have two Primary Partners? I will leave that discussion for a possible future article.
Frank Kermit
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How To Date Non-Exclusive
Non-Exclusive Dating
By Frank Kermit
A client of mine recently asked me, “How do you tell someone you are dating, that you are also seeing other people while dating him or her?” The answer is, honestly and directly.
There is nothing to hide in the fact that while you are dating and getting to know someone, you are also dating and getting to know others as well. Until you make a public commitment to only date just one person, the expectation that you and the other person are exclusive is unreasonable. Just because you meet for coffee, or have a dinner date, or have a romantic encounter one evening does not automatically mean that a commitment exists between the two of you that forbids either of you from dating another.
One area of confusion for many couples is that each individual comes into dating with certain expectations of what different events mean. When two people’s meanings of interactions conflict, dating gets a lot more complex than it ever has to be.
What about sex? Shouldn’t having sex with someone automatically indicate that, at the very least, there is more going on between the two people than just the sex itself? In theory, it would make sense. However, the experience of clients that are shared with me during my practice, suggests that sometimes sex, just means sex, and nothing more.
If you want the person you are starting to date to stop dating others, or date others without going all the way to sex, it is up to you to communicate your request, instead of hoping that someone is going to either read your mind, or just assume the other person thinks the same “common sense” that you do. If the person you are dating agrees, then it is settled.
However, if you or the other person disagrees about being exclusive while dating, it is a great opportunity to talk about why.
For some people, dating exclusively is simply not an option. Perhaps they do not believe in monogamy, or they do not believe in monogamy when just dating. For others, it can be a matter of how much time has been spent dating the same person before becoming exclusive.
Whether it is 3 dates, 3 weeks or 3 months, it is important to ascertain a deadline to either expect exclusivity or potentially end dating that person. And still, there are others that do not base their desire to be exclusive on how long they have been dating a person, but rather whether or not they see a serious potential future with that person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity, and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to date non-exclusively. It is only an issue of ethics if someone is either lying about their exclusive intents, or trying to force someone to their way of doing things.
The best everyone can do is to decide for him-or-herself what makes sense in dating, and invite others to date them under those rules. The people you date will either accept it and date you, or not accept it and leave.
Now then, if someone does NOT accept your guidelines about exclusivity and STILL decides to date you anyway, then the issue has nothing to do with valuing or not valuing exclusivity. That has to do with a deeper issue that we can explore in a future session.
Frank Kermit
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When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
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Mistakes Singles Make #7
Mistakes That Singles Make # 7
That Keeps Them Trapped in “Singledom”
By Frank Kermit
There is nothing wrong with being single if you’re happily single. However, being single when you would give up everything going on in your life, just to have someone to share that life with, can be one of the worst feelings of isolation known to the heart.
I have met many singles trapped on the island of Singledom that were looking for a ticket out. A few of them really were the stereotypical socially-challenged types that the mass population would expect to remain single. However, those stereotypes are in the tiny minority. The vast majority of singles, who hate being single, are basically good people, decent looking, some of them down right hot and attractive, have good employment and access to resources, can talk intelligently and are considered great friends by the people who like them.
So what is going on here?
I have often found that single people who are stuck being single make many of the same mistakes that keep them single. Most of the citizens of Singledom are not even aware of the mistakes they are making which are part of why they remain single. One of the painful experiences of learning where they made mistakes was coming to the realization of just how many opportunities they originally had to date people they were interested in, but either were unable to read the signs, or communicated in a way to turn the other person off.
So, to help the citizens of Singledom gain better access to emigrate off that isolated island and get back into the rocky waters of the main stream love valleys, I am going to write a series of articles, just for them, that will appear randomly in this column.
Mistakes Singles Make # 7: Hanging Out with Attached Friends
There is an old saying that was taught to me while growing up; that the single person who is going to spend time with an already established couple is there to “hold the candle”. Meaning, that the single person has resided him or her self to being the servant of the existing couple, because the single person is not adamantly seeking to find their own partner.
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way from finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with those same friends.
True friends want to see you happy. If you have been single a long time, it is normal for the people around you to worry about you being alone, especially if they care about you. However, that will not always be the case. There will be times that your attached friends, will try to sabotage your chances of finding your own happiness, if they are selfish and only think about how it will impact them. I hear this a lot from women I coach who find out that their coupled-friends are not thrilled with any of her suitors, partly because they stand to lose their regular free baby-sitter if she actually has a love life of her own. If your friends are not trying to help you meet someone, then you may need to re-evaluate the amount of time you are spending with them.
Time is one of the only resources you have a constantly diminishing supply of. You cannot actually “make” time. All you can do is choose how you are going to spend your remaining time. The minutes continue to tick away, lost forever, even as you continue to read this article.
If everyone in your social circle is attached, leaving you the only Singledom citizen in the circle, and no one in the circle is in a position to introduce you to someone new, or set you up on a blind date…then it is time to seek out a new social circle, or better yet, start one of your own.
If you are single and you do not want to be, then you will have to make finding a relationship partner a priority. That means, you have to spend more time seeking out a potential partner and meeting new people, and stop using up that time to hang out with existing friends that have either rejected your interests, are already attached, or who were never an option to begin with.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best closest friends will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse and children ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends…and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses and good parents. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner and family if you want it. You just might have to make some different choices, than you made in the past, to get it.
Frank Kermit
