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Politics, Political Elections and Dating
Political Elections and Dating
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Elections — a time when choices are made, protests have audience, and friendships destroyed (we hope temporarily) over loyalties to political stances.
For some it is a time to face the realities of government policies that may affect the quality of your life (depending on the stage of life you are at) and for others it is a time to hide your head in the sand when the campaigns to make your vote count come knocking.
The one question that comes up in my practice during this period is what to do when you are dating someone that had different political views, or supports a different political party.
As always, the answer is, it depends.
Even the best of couples may disagree on topics that could be more important than not.
However, although common interests and aligned thinking are necessary for long term relationship success, that does not automatically mean that a couple must agree on everything. That type of picture-perfect partnering simply is neither realistic nor necessary.
The first question is what the nature of your relationship is to begin with. If you are involved casually or dating someone in a manner where you are enjoying mutual companionship, but the desire to have a future together is beyond the scope of the couple in question, then voting for different parties is a moot topic.
If you are at a stage of your life where you are past the point of seeking a life partner to have children with, and aren’t even looking for a live-in partner, then those relationship categories of non-committal casual couplings really do not require that the partners be on the same page at all when it comes to politics.
In those cases, these relationship categories simply take the dating dynamics for what it is; a valued togetherness that simply has limits when it comes to certain expectations and short-term commitments.
When it does matter is when a dating duo are seeking a serious long term alliance, whether it be a candidate for living together, having children or forming a blended family unit. In this case, the particular political parties may actually be irrelevant per se, and it is more about the compatible value systems of the couple.
Could an individual who wants limited amounts of government involvement in general day to day live have children with someone that pushes for more government policy at the cost of individual privacy? Can a person who values new independence build a future with someone that wants to maintain the status quo?
Well, given that people who are compatible and have similar backgrounds, can still struggle with commitment and end up divorced, it really comes down to the couple in question, and not how passionate they are about hot topic politics.
Also, given that the platforms of various political parties change over the years, or that politicians themselves switch parties (not necessarily personal beliefs), the best the aspiring couple can do is identify their own belief systems of good and bad and be able to communicate where they individually draw the line about what is right and wrong for themselves.
If and when such a self actualized human being finds a like minded romantic partner, then compatibility and chemistry can work together in an alliance to make love happen. Couples who make the extra effort to know themselves, and learn about each other on that deeper level always get my vote.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Masks You Wear When Dating
What Love Masks
By Frank Kermit
A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category.
For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate).
When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview.
Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner.
We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask.
That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display.
On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween.
The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show.
However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it.
The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes.
Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed.
Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable.
It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks.
The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free.
I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock.
Happy Halloween!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
positive thinking law of attraction tips
Grateful To Positive, Positive To Attractive
By Frank Kermit
Thanksgiving is here! It is a time for people to be grateful for everything they have, even if they do not have everything they need or want. With that said, the practice of being grateful for what we already have is also a wonderful tool for being attractive enough to attract the kinds of people you would like to date and have more serious relationships with.
On its own accord, the process of being grateful helps individuals break the process of taking things for granted. This is an excellent way to get into a good habit, so that you never end up potentially taking people (like the individuals you date and get more seriously involved with) for granted either.
Coaching people about being grateful has its challenges. Then again, I am grateful for the opportunity to coach people, and I am grateful for everything that coaching others has taught me, and grateful that I get to share my knowledge with you dear reader. One of the challenges is that some people see gratefulness as a reason not to pursue or want more. Being grateful for what you already have is not supposed to be a deterrent from going after more of what you want. Just because you are grateful that you are living in an apartment and not living on the street does not (nor should not) make you give up your ambitions of owning a home instead of renting an apartment. When being grateful is used as a means to kill ambition, it is likely not gratefulness that someone is practicing, but potential self-sabotage.
The point of practicing gratefulness is to engage a positive state of mind. By eliminating any negative thoughts and feelings surrounding all the things you feel you do not have yet, or never got to experience, it forces you to shift your focus and energy to more positive efforts of aiming to achieve all the goals you have still set for yourself.
When negative thoughts and emotions are permitted to fester, they inevitably taint your focus to the point where, you will only be able to filter in even more negativity, and filter out all the potentially positive elements that could enter into your life. This applies to love as well. If you only focus on the hurt, heartbreak and hell of your past history, you will not be open to the possible potentially pleasing partners presenting opportunity for pairing up.
If you struggle to be positive about love, focus instead on being grateful for everything, including the lessons you learned from the bad experiences. You may not be grateful for the bad things that have happened to you, but it can be easier to accept them and move on, when you focus your attention on being grateful for all the lessons you learned from your past, as a means not to repeat the same mistakes (and thus avoid the same consequences) again.
If you give in to gratefulness living, that practice of gratefulness leads to a more positive emotional and mental state, and that will allow you to build attraction to bring in more positive people of love into your life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating is no place for a coward
It is just ONE Date
by Frank Kermit
Something in coaching, I encounter a number of people that got in their own way
I am talking about those people who got a match with someone they wanted to date
who wanted to date them back...
and then the person...
REFUSED TO GO ON ONE DATE
Really? Yes, really!
Biggest reason listed was they were afraid it would not work out
and that they would eventually get
REJECTED.
Really? Yes, really!
It is so frustrating when you have two people that have already admitted
they want to see each other again,
and one of them chickens out.
The world of dating is no place for a coward.
Discovering a mutual connection and not even giving it one date is simply cruel.
You owe it to the people who put in the work but still that struggle to date.
You owe it to the other person.
You owe it to yourself to
take a chance and risk a rejection
to find the love of your life.
So, when you match up with someone, just go on one date, whether you are afraid or not.
Just get out there and GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
This article is an excerpt from the Ebook The Frank Guide To Speed Dating
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
Make your love life a priority
Make Having a Love Life a Priority
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
by Frank Kermit
For whatever reason, losing your virginity has not been your priority.
How do I know? You are still a virgin.
Believe it or not, that is one of the biggest differences between men
who lost their virginity before you did.
Sure, some of them just got lucky and found a girl that liked them
back, and some of them just took a chance and went for it and
it just happened. But that did not happen for you.
And since it did not happen for you, that means that you are just going
to have to work harder than the other guys.
That means you have to make it a goal.
Once you make it a goal to lose your virginity, it becomes a priority
in your life. And that is a GOOD thing.
As you read in the AMV Handbook, or listened to the audio seminar,
I made it a goal after I was humiliated publicly when I was outed as a virgin.
I was unhappy being a virgin. And as soon as it became a concrete goal,
it helped motivate me to take actions so that I would put myself in
situations so that I could focus my TIME and ATTENTION on the things
that I thought would help me most.
When something is a PRIORITY in your life, you put everything else
that is NOT a priority aside, so that you can dedicate yourself to
reaching that goal.
And Yes, losing your virginity is an acceptable goal to have.
It is OK to finally lose your virginity.
- Published on
Speed Dating tips and advice
Taking Notes
by Frank Kermit
It is important to take notes when speed dating (or any dating for that matter).
I am not referring to the speed dating form
where you indicate YES or NO for requesting a match
I am talking about taking your own notes
about the people you speed date on a sheet of paper that you take home with you
One of the more embarrassing situations that may happen is that you end up on a date with someone you met speed dating but come across as not remembering what you talked about during your first speed-dating meeting.
Fact is, that night you are going to meet a number of people and it will be easy to forget who said what.
Sometimes people even refuse to go on the date after being matched out of fear they will look foolish for not remembering the first conversations.
So, take notes about each person you speed date, including things they said that were of a mutual interest. Include those tidbits of information when you first contact your matches to set up first dates.
This will make your matches feel more involved and more eager to meet with you.
Next time you speed date, make sure you bring an extra sheet of paper for your own personal notes.
It will make your communication with your matches so much more attractive.
This article is an excerpt of the book The Frank Guide To Speed Dating
#dating #speeddating #charisma
- Published on
Creating Chemistry
Looks vs Personality: Creating Chemistry
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up to me in coaching often is what do you do when you find someone's personality very interesting, even attractive, but you really are not into that person's looks.
The answer is one that no one wants to hear.
If you are single, date that person anyways
and see if chemistry develops over the time
of a few dates
Sometimes, you have to kiss that person goodnight in order to get the fireworks to initially spark.
When you meet someone in speed dating,
and that person has enough spark just from personality that makes you think MAYBE,
Just say YES
Take the chance, and go for the match. You never know...that person might even reject you!!!
It would be good to know to help you keep that ego of yours in check.
Bottom line is that you are single!
Maybe you are single because you are way too picky
Maybe your standards are too high for what you can attract
But you are single.
Give that person a chance.
You only have everything to gain.
This article is an excerpt from The Frank Guide To Speed Dating program
- Published on
you are still single because of the choices you make
Single in September
By Frank Kermit
It's the most wonderful time of the year. End of summer, back to school, and vacation period is basically over for most people.
All that means one thing. It is one of the best times to be single for taking action to meet someone special.
This is it.
The meet and greet season has started. Fresh off the blast of summer loving when all summer romances must come to an end, and people have to tune in once again to their regularly scheduled life programming.
Back to school, means back to the grind of routine, and this is when people are new, fresh, rejuvenated from time off and sunny weather, and are in the best head space to meet a new friendly face.
The signs of autumn have started-a-coming, when retail stores start putting out the Halloween decorations.
That signals just one thing:
WINTER IS COMING TOO!
It is time to start now, to seek out new life, and that new warm human body that is going to enjoy cuddling you by a delightful fire, while the weather outside turns frightful.
If you are still single, there is always some place to go, to meet new people, cause you never know.
So you better not pout, and you better not cry if you end up singing single 'cause you're bumming about town.
Tis' the season to be finding, a warm cup of your own special something. Stop, with your games of love, and get serious.
Chances are, you are single because of the choices you made leading up to this moment.
All those people you were interested in, but did not ask out. All those potential partners who liked you, but you turned down worrying about what others would think.
All your "rules" and "standards" that (really serve no purpose to finding someone who treats you amazing) just get in the way because they are simply not realistic.
If you continue to make those same choices, then chances are, again, that you will continue to be single, and continue to make it more difficult for anyone to join you for an unforgettable duet.
This could be the BEST time of the year to meet someone new. But it takes ACTION on your part to get out there, and make yourself available.
Well, OK, maybe it is not the BEST time of the year to meet someone new right now.
Song lyrics and catchy pop culture phrases can grease the wheels of the coming holiday spirit, and inspire some people from the cold-hearted wonderland of our lives.
And the fact is, every day (including TODAY) is a good day to die and go to heaven (FIGURATIVELY PLEASE!) by meeting someone special, and every season has just as much opportunity to find someone new, and every night time is the right time to be with somebody you love.
It is ALWAYS the BEST TIME to meet someone new. Today IS THAT the day. Seize it and make it yours.
Take the chance! Now is the moment. Go on and kiss the world of dating and end your reign in the valley of Singledom.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Never Force Your Worldview on Others
Don't Force Your Worldview
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Each of us views the world a certain way. It encapsulates what we believe to be right, and wrong. The worldview of each individual can change over time as our life experiences teach us about the world, teach us about the people we interact with, and teach us about ourselves.
In dating, it is important to find someone who shares your worldview. This can be very challenging if you have never taken the time to figure out what your worldview is, and more importantly, if you have never actually challenged any worldviews you had because they are the views you were brought up with.
For example, if you grew up in an environment that values sexual abstinence before marriage and took on those beliefs as part of your worldview as a child, they may not have been beliefs that you ever challenged. Then one day, as an adult, you enter the world of dating and find that not everyone you wanted to date shares in your belief systems.
For the first time, you may question if those beliefs are in your best interest. You may start to weigh the positives and negatives surrounding waiting until wedlock. You may even start to question other beliefs tied into your upbringing including whether getting legally married is even necessary in order to live together and raise children, which are separate beliefs than those about whether or not to have sex.
In the end, you may decide to abandon all your previous beliefs. Or you may decide to enter a period of experimentation where you explore your own boundaries to see what works for you. It is also possible, that after careful consideration and challenging your beliefs that you decide that even if you did not seek out those beliefs that were thrust upon you as a child, you do in fact find they reflect your values and intend to stick to them because they are in fact in your best interest.
In fact, people who challenge their belief systems (their worldview) tend to have a stronger faith in themselves and their beliefs once they resolve their own doubts about it (a challenge to a belief system may represent a doubt in the belief system).
As a dating coach, I am less concerned about the specifics of your worldview — if it already works for you — and more concerned with 1) do you know what your worldview is? 2) Can you articulate it enough to communicate exactly what you mean? and 3) Are you aware of why you have this worldview?
If the only reason you choose a vegetarian lifestyle is because all of your friends are vegetarians, then your “why” reflects your actual values (the value of approval and acceptance of your peer group, and not necessarily a value of the benefits of a vegetarian diet).
With all that said, the point of this article is that when you date someone and it turns out that your worldview and the worldview of the other person are very different, it is important to remember that it is good to communicate your worldview to give the other person an understanding of it, and it is also good to be open to hearing and trying to understand the worldview of the other person. You do not have to agree with the opposing worldview, you just have to be open to understanding it.
The mistake some singles make, is trying to convert the worldview of the person they are dating, instead of either accepting the difference, or simply breaking up with the person and seeking out someone with a similar worldview.
If your worldview encompasses a lifestyle focused on a career and personal enjoyment instead of having children and raising a family, well that is OK. If your worldview requires you to have children and raising a family at the expense of career advancement and some personal enjoyment, well that is OK too.
One worldview life is not necessarily better than the other. The key is to find someone to date that already shares a similar worldview to your own, and not try to force, trick, shame or guilt a person into living your worldview.
Be respectful out there.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Seek a life partner that has a compatible life plan to yours
Planning the rest of your life together
by Frank Kermit
When I sit down with a couple for Pre Marital Coaching,
which is working with a couple who are getting ready
to move to the next step in their relationship,
one of the questions I always ask them is
what do they have planned for the rest of their lives together?
Whether you are
moving in together
buying property together
having a child together
getting married
getting engaged
one of the key elements towards success
is having a life plan
and then checking to make sure
that your individual life plans
are actually compatible.
I have seen couples, who were very much in love
but had very incompatible life plans.
Where one person wanted 2 children in the next 5 years
and the other did not want children at all.
Where one person wanted to eventually move to Japan
and the other person wanted to move to Brazil
Where one person wanted to retire together to Florida
and the other person refused ever stop working
Where one person needed to spend the next 4 years
traveling to a different continent for a unique and specific
graduate education in a niche industry
and the other person was running out of time
to start a family
So, if you want to have a successful marriage
that will last long term
and withstand the status of separation and divorce
get your life plan in order.
Know what you need to know for your life plan
and find a partner that has a life plan that is compatible with yours.
