- Published on
The Art of Storytelling on a Date
By Frank Kermit
One of the challenges that people face when they go on dates is that they may not factor in that others will not understand what they are trying to communicate because of the way they express the stories of their life. Most people assume that the world will understand the moral and meaning of their story with the exact same intent as the storyteller. This simply is not so.
Audiences (including the person you want to be intimate with) will tend to interpret your story, not the way you interpret your own story, but the way the listener can best understand it, using the listeners own context and situated knowledge. Situated knowledge refers to a person's knowledge based on their life experience, education and intelligence and acknowledges just how limited it can be. A person who grows up in a situation where they never feel safe as a child, will have a situated knowledge as an adult to first view all experiences and interpret all stories with whether or not their safety is threatened. It is at the heart of misunderstanding each other.
For example, a man on a date wishes to communicate to a woman that he is confident because he believes that women are attracted to confident men. Most people understand this concept. If the man tells a story about a time in his life when he was confident, his story could potentially include disparaging remarks about other people he surpassed in the event that he found confidence in himself. In his philosophy, he may define being confident as not being afraid to speak his mind about others in a negative fashion. He tells his story with the intent to communicate that he is a confident man.
Now, if a woman interprets his storytelling communication in the same way he intends it, then she will likely also view him as a confident man. The core of this connection is the fact they already have similar primary values. However, it is just as possible that a woman may interpret that exact same man as completely lacking in confidence, because she interprets his disparaging remarks of others as a sign of insecurity on his part. In her philosophy, a man that must actively disparage others gets interpreted as a low value male who has no real character of his own. Instead of interpreting his storytelling with the same intent as he expresses it, she interprets his storytelling through her own situated knowledge and in this way, identifies a red flag which signals that she does not want to date him again.
The best stories to tell are true ones. Choose real life examples that include your best childhood memories, your peak life experiences, and express not only the things you love, but what are the emotional experiences behind those things you love. The person who loves sports and the person who loves cooking can still form a deep rapport and have a connection. Despite the surface subjects of sports and cooking not seemingly having much in common, it is how each person expresses how those things make them feel where a similarity can be found. The high excitement of watching the winning point being made in the big game can be very akin to the high excitement of an intensely well prepared meal being enjoyed at a holiday family gathering.
The kind of bond that effective storytelling can elicit on a date can make or break a relational happy ending. It can be the difference between finding someone "nice but uninteresting", and finding someone you spend your waking hours totally in anticipation of seeing them again, and again, and yet again.
If you find yourself on a number of first dates, but not a lot of second dates and cannot figure out what it is that you are doing wrong, you may want to develop some effective storytelling social skills so that every story you tell on a first date addresses the emotional needs of the person you are dating.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
One of the challenges that people face when they go on dates is that they may not factor in that others will not understand what they are trying to communicate because of the way they express the stories of their life. Most people assume that the world will understand the moral and meaning of their story with the exact same intent as the storyteller. This simply is not so.
Audiences (including the person you want to be intimate with) will tend to interpret your story, not the way you interpret your own story, but the way the listener can best understand it, using the listeners own context and situated knowledge. Situated knowledge refers to a person's knowledge based on their life experience, education and intelligence and acknowledges just how limited it can be. A person who grows up in a situation where they never feel safe as a child, will have a situated knowledge as an adult to first view all experiences and interpret all stories with whether or not their safety is threatened. It is at the heart of misunderstanding each other.
For example, a man on a date wishes to communicate to a woman that he is confident because he believes that women are attracted to confident men. Most people understand this concept. If the man tells a story about a time in his life when he was confident, his story could potentially include disparaging remarks about other people he surpassed in the event that he found confidence in himself. In his philosophy, he may define being confident as not being afraid to speak his mind about others in a negative fashion. He tells his story with the intent to communicate that he is a confident man.
Now, if a woman interprets his storytelling communication in the same way he intends it, then she will likely also view him as a confident man. The core of this connection is the fact they already have similar primary values. However, it is just as possible that a woman may interpret that exact same man as completely lacking in confidence, because she interprets his disparaging remarks of others as a sign of insecurity on his part. In her philosophy, a man that must actively disparage others gets interpreted as a low value male who has no real character of his own. Instead of interpreting his storytelling with the same intent as he expresses it, she interprets his storytelling through her own situated knowledge and in this way, identifies a red flag which signals that she does not want to date him again.
The best stories to tell are true ones. Choose real life examples that include your best childhood memories, your peak life experiences, and express not only the things you love, but what are the emotional experiences behind those things you love. The person who loves sports and the person who loves cooking can still form a deep rapport and have a connection. Despite the surface subjects of sports and cooking not seemingly having much in common, it is how each person expresses how those things make them feel where a similarity can be found. The high excitement of watching the winning point being made in the big game can be very akin to the high excitement of an intensely well prepared meal being enjoyed at a holiday family gathering.
The kind of bond that effective storytelling can elicit on a date can make or break a relational happy ending. It can be the difference between finding someone "nice but uninteresting", and finding someone you spend your waking hours totally in anticipation of seeing them again, and again, and yet again.
If you find yourself on a number of first dates, but not a lot of second dates and cannot figure out what it is that you are doing wrong, you may want to develop some effective storytelling social skills so that every story you tell on a first date addresses the emotional needs of the person you are dating.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Common Sense for Common Scents
By Frank Kermit
As the holiday season approaches, invitations begin to swarm in for get-togethers from family, friends and even office parties. It is a time of people coming together, and in some cases, the only time you may connect with certain people for the duration of a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals in between).
It is a time of reflection, remembering people that are no longer with us, cherishing those that still are, and a time of closeness. Except for one tiny potential problem. Some of those people that wish to get close to you simply may not realize just how bad they stink.
Whether it is bad body odor, bad breath, over indulgence of perfume and cologne, or clothes that have a lifestyle smell embedded into the weaves of their garments; your odor is something to be very mindful of when going to gatherings, especially if you have intentions of getting close to people, or you will be seated next to others.
One of the key factors about being mindful of your nose-full, is that you won't smell yourself in time. Our scents are with us all the time, and we grow accustom to our emanations. Since we are used to our own smell, we tend to take for granted and forget that others will be affected by what we no longer pay close attention too. By the time you get a whiff of yourself, it is usually too late, as you are one of the last people who nose just how bad you were. (Get it? Get it? "knows" and "nose"? Get it?). If your odor was as bad as my last joke, it is time to take account of your smell stocks.
Sometimes I get clients coming to me asking me why they struggle so much to find a love connection. A handful of them claim that no matter how much they learn to seductively speak to someone, they are unable to find a partner that does not turn their nose up at them. "It is like everyone is just so snooty with me", says one client to me who tries to explain how he is greeted with snob-like behavior when approaching new people.
After sniffing about the evidence of the case, I detected that the client, a chain smoker, might have been giving the targets of his affection a snout-ful of what kissing him might be like. For that particular client, it was not just his breath, but also his clothes sent off smoke signals like radio waves as his lifestyle had wormed its way into the fibers of his being.
It was one of the saddest moments I had ever witnessed when I explained to him that it might be his odor. He was so used to it, that he was not even aware of the smell.
He learned a hard lesson: lack of proper aromas equals lack of a proficient Romeo.
Anyone that has years of experience riding public transit will tend to confirm the unpleasant memories of being squished like sardines next to people that reek.
You never forget your first whiff. Those that suffer from migraines and are scent-sensitive will also tell you just how important managing your smell can be before you trigger an unintended effect in the people you want to associate with. Here are some common sense suggestions for common scent situations to help you stay stench free this month.
1-Bathe: If the office party starts right after work, leave work early or arrive to the party late so that you have time to go home, shower and change the clothes you have been sweating in all day.
2-Carry a mini-toothbrush, mini-toothpaste and even mini-mouthwash whenever possible, and use them before and after your outing meals. Gum and mints help too.
3-Watch what you put in your mouth. When socializing, there are certain foods to just avoid consuming because of the ill effects on your breath. When it comes to relationships, dating and socializing, your foot is not the only thing you need to try to avoid putting in your mouth. (I will save the foot fetish jokes for a future article).
4-Do NOT overdo it with perfumes and cologne which also includes aftershave, and underarm deodorants. Too much of a good thing can be just as bad, and sometimes even worse than a bad one. If you cannot find a balance, aim for neutral no-scent.
5-If someone offers you a piece of gum, or a breath mint, even after you have refused it once, TAKE THE HINT AND TAKE THE MINT. They are being polite about trying to indicate to you that your breath is not ever so fresh.
If someone does take you aside and lets you know that your odor is not pleasant, and the person does so in an honest, straightforward, private manner, which helps protect your reputation and maintain face, then THANK THE PERSON.
That person is being your best friend, even if what you are being told is embarrassing for you to hear. That person is acting bravely to tell you what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to help protect you from yourself. If you react badly to that kind of honesty, you will only succeed in pushing away the very people that would bring real value in your life.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
As the holiday season approaches, invitations begin to swarm in for get-togethers from family, friends and even office parties. It is a time of people coming together, and in some cases, the only time you may connect with certain people for the duration of a year (assuming there are no weddings or funerals in between).
It is a time of reflection, remembering people that are no longer with us, cherishing those that still are, and a time of closeness. Except for one tiny potential problem. Some of those people that wish to get close to you simply may not realize just how bad they stink.
Whether it is bad body odor, bad breath, over indulgence of perfume and cologne, or clothes that have a lifestyle smell embedded into the weaves of their garments; your odor is something to be very mindful of when going to gatherings, especially if you have intentions of getting close to people, or you will be seated next to others.
One of the key factors about being mindful of your nose-full, is that you won't smell yourself in time. Our scents are with us all the time, and we grow accustom to our emanations. Since we are used to our own smell, we tend to take for granted and forget that others will be affected by what we no longer pay close attention too. By the time you get a whiff of yourself, it is usually too late, as you are one of the last people who nose just how bad you were. (Get it? Get it? "knows" and "nose"? Get it?). If your odor was as bad as my last joke, it is time to take account of your smell stocks.
Sometimes I get clients coming to me asking me why they struggle so much to find a love connection. A handful of them claim that no matter how much they learn to seductively speak to someone, they are unable to find a partner that does not turn their nose up at them. "It is like everyone is just so snooty with me", says one client to me who tries to explain how he is greeted with snob-like behavior when approaching new people.
After sniffing about the evidence of the case, I detected that the client, a chain smoker, might have been giving the targets of his affection a snout-ful of what kissing him might be like. For that particular client, it was not just his breath, but also his clothes sent off smoke signals like radio waves as his lifestyle had wormed its way into the fibers of his being.
It was one of the saddest moments I had ever witnessed when I explained to him that it might be his odor. He was so used to it, that he was not even aware of the smell.
He learned a hard lesson: lack of proper aromas equals lack of a proficient Romeo.
Anyone that has years of experience riding public transit will tend to confirm the unpleasant memories of being squished like sardines next to people that reek.
You never forget your first whiff. Those that suffer from migraines and are scent-sensitive will also tell you just how important managing your smell can be before you trigger an unintended effect in the people you want to associate with. Here are some common sense suggestions for common scent situations to help you stay stench free this month.
1-Bathe: If the office party starts right after work, leave work early or arrive to the party late so that you have time to go home, shower and change the clothes you have been sweating in all day.
2-Carry a mini-toothbrush, mini-toothpaste and even mini-mouthwash whenever possible, and use them before and after your outing meals. Gum and mints help too.
3-Watch what you put in your mouth. When socializing, there are certain foods to just avoid consuming because of the ill effects on your breath. When it comes to relationships, dating and socializing, your foot is not the only thing you need to try to avoid putting in your mouth. (I will save the foot fetish jokes for a future article).
4-Do NOT overdo it with perfumes and cologne which also includes aftershave, and underarm deodorants. Too much of a good thing can be just as bad, and sometimes even worse than a bad one. If you cannot find a balance, aim for neutral no-scent.
5-If someone offers you a piece of gum, or a breath mint, even after you have refused it once, TAKE THE HINT AND TAKE THE MINT. They are being polite about trying to indicate to you that your breath is not ever so fresh.
If someone does take you aside and lets you know that your odor is not pleasant, and the person does so in an honest, straightforward, private manner, which helps protect your reputation and maintain face, then THANK THE PERSON.
That person is being your best friend, even if what you are being told is embarrassing for you to hear. That person is acting bravely to tell you what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to help protect you from yourself. If you react badly to that kind of honesty, you will only succeed in pushing away the very people that would bring real value in your life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Figuring Out What You Want For Dating
Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Date Someone That is NOT Your Type
Have You Tried Not Dating Your Type?
By Frank Kermit
We all have our type. By -type- I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with. But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, particular scents like perfumes and colognes that draw us in once upon a whiff, or maybe even a body type.
Each of us has an ideal combination of attractors that when presented to us in a radical idealized form, fuels our lovelorn fantasies into a blazing inner inferno. Inside we feel everything from a warm fuzzy feeling, to tingling sensations, to waves of rapture that throb and pulsate throughout our bodies when the idol of our affections draws near to us. It is no wonder how some of us get into relationships with people who just might be exactly what we need to stay away from.
One of the biggest struggles the people have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with. In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their futures, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts. When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
Our (what I refer to in my work as:) Attraction Mechanism can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience. Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example, a person may be born with a particular sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual) and through life experience (and possibly in connection with genetic predispositions) may also end up responding to stimuli very positively in ways that would qualify for different sexual orientations mentioned already, and ever expanding sexual orientations (i.e. pansexual).
Another challenge is when what you are attracted too DOES NOT change, but when the person you are with DOES change.
For example, a person may only be attracted to a youthful appearance but is unable to see anything representing older age as attractive in its own rights.
People age over time. Another example is a person that is highly attracted to wealth and status, and is unable to have any intimate response to someone seeking an emotional connection. People can lose wealth and status over time. Whether it is the natural aging process, or a series of unfortunate events that can happen in life, there is one key element that is abundantly clear.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the tests of time.
Does this mean that they only way to have a successful long-term relationship is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in? No actually. However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted too, but not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lusting for a happier and more stable life.
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their partners. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed. Finally there are people that do not wish to become cheaters, so they may attempt to structure a non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet.
Whether doing without, or structuring a non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved. What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control who you are attracted too, but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction. It is simply a process of learning about yourself and how to manage your relational expectations.
-Frank Kermit
What To Say on a First Date
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What To Do When You Like Someone
What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit
It happened. Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened. When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone. You actually found someone that you like. Now what?
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do? Do you tell that person directly and see what happens? Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process? Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest? What if you do not know what signs to look for? What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect. There are a number of factors to consider such as do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it), or perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends).
First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences. If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach. The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be. If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures. Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided. In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Involving your friends has its pros and cons. Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in. In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity. A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages. You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand. Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is to take some kind of action listed above. People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Reality vs Fantasy of Online Dating
Online Dating:
The Digital Fantasy meets Flesh and Reality
By Frank Kermit
Online dating is no longer the scary thing it used to be. The stigma has passed. The stereotypical image of the teenager forever hogging the one phone line in the house has been replaced by the young adult that is too busy texting multiple friends to notice where they are going as they walk into ongoing traffic. In fact, younger generations are starting to feel more at ease with relating to each other through technology than they do in a person-to-person encounter.
What will this hold for our future family builders? Time will tell. In the meantime, new technologies will also end up being just one more medium where boys and girls find themselves connecting.
OK, this is the scenario: You meet a great person months ago through a friend on Facebook. You don't do this type of thing EVER, but this person seems very intelligent and there is something interesting about them. You live in separate cities, but that does not stop you. You start exchanging some private messages that turn into long texts and then phone conversations. You are getting along very well. Things are going great and you find yourself in a long distance relationship with someone that you have not actually met in person. Soon, you start swapping sexy photos with promises of more sizzling excitement yet to come. Finally, one day, you decide that you are going to visit that special someone in your life for the first time. You meet, you have a great time, and you even have sex. Wow! Could life get any better? You agree to continue the romance after you return home. You start to think to yourself that you have finally found someone, and that maybe it's time for one of you to live with the other.
All of a sudden the phone calls become less frequent. The texts become less personal, and you haven't spotted a sexy pic of your true love in your email thread since you can't remember when. You ask if everything is OK? Your partner tells you everything is fine, but you know it's not like it was before. Finally it becomes clear that the only time you communicate is when you initiate it, otherwise it could be days if not weeks before you get a hello (or a poke or a wink depending on what social networking site you use.) You can feel it slipping away, so you decide to make one last ditch attempt and tell your future "spouse" how you are feeling and how important that person is to you. In response, your future spouse tells you that time is needed to think about the relationship and where it is going. Just a few months ago, that person couldn't get enough of you, but now? You fear the worst and wonder if there is someone else. Did you do something wrong? What could have possibly happened when things were going so great? Is it you or is it the other person?
Online dating does have some major flaws that come with the medium. Aside from the potential dangers that generally exist when you meet anyone new that moves from the stranger to the lover position, online relationships struggle mostly because they are not real relationships. So much of what makes an online relationship work, especially if you factor in long distance and very little actual time together, is that most of where that relationship exists in your head. It is not based on reality, but often on what you want the other person to be.
When reality collides with fantasy reality will always win. People who thrive in online relationships might be doing so as a means to avoid any actual intimacy. Easier to deal with people that you don't actually have to be with. When the reality of how a person really is around you does not, and simply can't, live up to the fantasy you have built in your mind as to who the other person is; it is just a matter of time before you have to acknowledge your feelings. The cold slap of reality is that the person you had feelings for might never have actually existed in real life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
where you can go on a date
Focus On The Person,
Not The Location, Of Your Date
By Frank Kermit
I have been on Montreal CJAD AM radio as a regular contributor for years now on the Passion radio show with Dr Laurie Betito. In that time I have made a number of statements about my own stance and opinions on dating and relationships based both on my practice and my personal experiences. Some of my comments earn praise, and some others get the introspective discussion, and some get trashed.
There is one bit of advice that I have given out over the years, that seems to have garnered a tremendous amount of backlash, and to be Frank (pun intended), I am actually shocked that of all the advice I dole out, that it is this one nugget that repeatedly gets brought up again and again.
The fact that I think that first dates ideally should be inexpensive and people should pay for their own share, has earned me the wrath of audiences, more than any other topic I have ever talked about, including managing friends-with-benefits, open relationship dating, multi-partner sex, sharing sexual pasts, and sexual fetish lifestyles combined.
I believe that it all started with questions about first dates, what constituted a date, where is an appropriate location for a date, cost of a date and so on. I said something to the effect that any location is fine for a first date and giving a fast food restaurant (McDonalds) as an example. You’d have thought I was endorsing a threat to national government security with the rage it enticed. One woman actually wrote to me privately claiming that, “No one falls in love at McDonalds you Dufus!” (One of the nicer messages I assure you)
When you go out on a date, what is your goal? Are you looking for someone to pay your way to high priced dinners at fancy restaurants, or are you looking to go on a date to find a compatible partner to fulfill some role you desire? If your goal is to just get more “stuff” (meals, gifts, attention) the only people you will attract are the kinds of people that only have “stuff” to give, and will have their own expectations of what should be “owed” to them (The good news is that people who use people regularly end up with people who use people). If your goal is to find a partner to share some aspect of your life, then if you know how to manage dating (which most people do not) the location of the date becomes almost irrelevant. So yes Virginia, you can fall in love anywhere.
So who should pay for a first date? Yes, there is an etiquette that suggests that the person who is doing the inviting should cover the cost of a date. I have found that a high number of women tend to strongly endorse this etiquette. Understandable given the fact that even in a modern society of equality between genders, men are still the primary gender that is expected to ask out women on a date.
Men seem to fall into two distinct categories. There are men who truly respect women as equals and thus expect women to be capable of paying their own share until such a time as the couple moves from casual dating to something more serious (at which point joint expenses have their own rules). Then there are men who believe a man should pay for a first date because either they view themselves as being a gentleman in paying, or more insidious, they still view women as needing to be handled much like children, who could not possibly take care of themselves. Though, most men would not openly admit it because they are not Frank enough (again, pun intended), there are few other areas of life where someone wanting what could be interpreted as special treatment is ever looked upon with the respect of an equal.
If you are heading out on a date, and are more concerned with judging the location of the date, instead of focusing on the person you are dating, your focus is on the wrong element. The WORST thing that could happen to you is that you end up in a serious relationship with someone that used the razzle-dazzle of showcasing during those first few dates just to get you committed, and who turns out is too incompatible for you seven months later. Was the razzle-dazzle worth the lost time of months (could be years) with the wrong person? That is up to you.
One thing I can tell you for an absolute certainty. It certainly was the worst thing that has happened to some older clients of mine that come into my office, because they are shocked by being single (and usually child-free) at an age where they thought they would have already had their own families, and ask me for help to answer their overwhelming question of “Frank, What Happened?”
Frank Kermit
- Published on
5 Tips for First Dates
5 Tips For A First Date
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
Rules for First Date
Stop messing up
your first dates!
Focus on on these easy and simple rules to turn first dates into fun and pleasurable experiences!
- Published on
Everybody Gets One Date
Everybody Gets One Date
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
Where To Go on First Dates
Get Over 100+ Ideas for Places To Go for a First Date!
Stop wasting time being overwhelmed looking for ideas where to go.
This program gives you the answers about where to go for dates, and tells you why they are great locations!
