- Published on
Spotting Red Flags In Dating
Spotting Red Flags
By Frank Kermit
When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person.
There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other.
The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive.
When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries.
How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being.
Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says.
Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag.
When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist.
Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity.
If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
When you are on a date, and the person you are getting to know says or does something that triggers a well-honed instinct that you need to stop dating that person, you have just spotted a RED FLAG. Having the ability to weed out potential problem daters at an early onset is the best we can hope for. Wasting time with the wrong individual hurts everyone involved: you, the wrong individual and your ideal soul mate who does not have the opportunity to date you yet, because your time is taken up by that wrong person.
There are two types of red flags. The first is Universal Red Flags, which are general bad signs by nature, which do not depend on the context of your situation. These would include red flags such as your partner needing to get drunk or stoned before being able to commit any act of socialization or intimacy. It has nothing to do with whether or not you have any prejudice regarding drug use for your potential partners. It has to do with the fact that this kind of behavior will tend to get progressively worse over time, as your relationship continues to grow, get more intimate, and garner higher expectations from each other.
The second type of red flag to be on the look out for is Personal Red Flags. These are completely context dependent because they are based on your own personal set of boundaries and deal-breakers which you simply will not compromise on. For example, if you are deathly allergic to a particular pet, and the person you are dating practically runs an animal rescue out of their home apartment which specializes in sheltering that kind of pet, then it does not matter what ever else you both connect on, how attracted you are to each other, and how kind you both are individually. The red flag in this dilemma is more than apparent and will eventually crush any future plans. At odds in this particular example are conflicting values: a life's calling to save animals verse a person's need to stay alive.
When a red flag is based on a personal boundary, there is no room for compromise. If there is any room for compromise, then by default, it is not even a boundary, and surely not a red flag. In order to be able to spot these kinds of red flags, a person must know what the can and cannot tolerate, and also have the ability to enforce such boundaries.
How someone treats animals can be a red flag. It is well document that many serial killers started out torturing and killing animals before they escalated to humans. The way someone treats an animal, may be a sign of how they will treat a vulnerable human being.
Personal hypocrisies are another universal red. It is when a person lives with a double standard where they say one thing, but live another. For example, a person may rage against the perils of pornography but yet have their own private porn collection tucked away in a secret stash. Simply put it is an indication that there may be a repeating behavior pattern in place such that you simply cannot trust anything that person says.
Shifting boundaries is another universal red flag.
When something is unacceptable one day, and more than acceptable the next day, the confusion that this repeating behavior pattern can draw out in relationship will lead to frustration and resentment. This is not about being or not being in the mood for a certain behavior, but more to do with the level of whether or not it is acceptable. For example, let us consider humor. When you have the same basic sense of humor where your partner laughs really hard at a certain kind of joke one day, and tells you how funny it is, but then goes off the handle saying those kinds of jokes are simply not appropriate in any context the very next day with nearly the very same joke: red flag. This could be a sign of a shifting boundary, which unto itself is already a red flag, but it could potentially be a sign for something more serious that would require the competency of a trained psychotherapist.
Some universal red flags are easy to spot such as infidelity and violence in past relationships indicating there is a higher chance of it happening to you. Other universal red flags are harder to spot because of certain social norms that make the warning signs acceptable. One such red flag is Gender Bashing. Just because most people are attracted to the opposite gender does not mean that all of those same people LIKE the opposite gender. Misogyny is misogyny, whether veiled in humor or not. Male bashing is still gender hate, even if touted as an entitlement for a history of oppression. If you are dating someone that constantly bashes your gender, it is foolish to think you will be the exception in their lives for the way they interpret you and your gender identity.
If every single relationship you have ever had, and every person you have ever dated turned out to be a dud in one sense or another, then it is time to focus on the common element in every single one of those instances: the common element of YOU. It says you have not yet learned to identify red flags early enough to put the breaks on your romantic endeavors with the wrong people. However, it is never to late to start learning today
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Social Circle Dating
Dating In Social Circles
By Frank Kermit
Dating can be tricky. Does the other person like you the way you think he or she might? Do you really like that person enough to get more serious, or do you want to keep it more casual as you get to know them more, all the while risking that if you are not serious enough, that person might end up getting serious with someone else in the meantime? Will that person get along with my friends and my existing social circles? Will I get along with that person’s friends and social circles? Navigating these relationship management questions is part of the adventure of dating.
Sometimes, these concerns might be too overwhelming for some people, such that, they would prefer to date people that are already part of their existing friend groups and social circles. Intellectually, this would seem easier as the person you are dating is already accustom to the people you like to hang out with, and you already know everyone seemingly gets along. However, when you add romantic dating into the equation of maintaining social circles, it might be worse for you, that person and the entire social circle.
When dating someone in your existing social circle of friends, it is usually best to keep your dating between you and the person you are dating and not share details of your intimate meet ups with others in the group. This is especially necessary when you are still only at the beginning stages of dating. When initially dating someone, although it is expected that you both have an initial interest in each other, or at least are open to the possibility that something more could develop, it is also just as likely at this stage, that you might end up going on only a handful of dates and decide it is not meant to be.
Depending on where your personal boundaries are with sex and dating, this also may mean that the two of you might even have had sex by the time you decide to end the romantic connection, and just resume a friendship within the social circle. Some people can manage this process very well. Others may have a harder time being friends with someone they have already slept with, that remains in the social circle, especially if that person was the one that wanted to continue dating.
What many people do not factor in is that members of the social circle may have their own issues and problems with the people who decide to try and make a go of a romantic relationship. The reasons are various. It could stem from jealousy as there may have been someone in the social circle that had an interest in dating one of the couple, and now feels uneasy with the fact that the target of his or her affection chose someone else (a friend) to date first.
Another issue is that there might be someone in the social circle that simply does not have the maturity to handle the idea that two of their friends got together, dated, maybe even had sex, and ended it and that such an involvement is not fodder to be regularly brought up, made fun of, or a challenge to address.
By challenge I mean that sometimes, friends within a social circle, whom usually have the best of intentions, will make a mission of getting the former casual couple back together, even if it is against that couple’s wishes. Herein is where the real issues are when dating someone openly at the beginning stages of relationship, within a social circle. There will be people within that same social circle that will feel an obligation to involve themselves in the couple’s personal affairs. This kind of interference is rarely a good way for any couple trying to start the beginning of a potential relationship.
If you are thinking of dating someone that is already entrenched in your social circle, then strongly consider keeping the details about your romantic interests to yourself. Do not share your interest with others in the same social circle. If you do manage to get the person you are interested in on a date, do not share those details with the other members of your social circle. When you see the person you are starting to date at a social circle event, do not act like you are dating. Act friendly, but do not hold hands, cuddle, kiss or openly talk about the dates you have had. It may even be necessary to arrive and leave the events separately to avoid suspicion. If you behave correctly, no one in the social circle should have any inclining that the two of you are dating in any capacity, including having seen each other naked. Keep in mind this is a little more difficult than people think.
When couples get comfortable with each other, it is only instinctual to let that comfort show in very subtle ways (like standing extra close to each other in public, whereas most people still maintain a certain private bubble even between friends. Part of keeping the initial dating phase quiet is fighting this instinct.
If after dating a few times, one or both of the people in the couple decide to stop the romantic nature of their involvement, and wish to remain friends with the social circle intact, it will be easier to stay a part of the social circle. Break ups can split a social circle as members of the circle may start to take sides and get too involved in the private troubles that broke the couple up. Not being too public about the attempt at a more serious relationship beyond friendship is what helps keep a social circle together.
On the other hand, if after dating a few times the couple decides they like each other enough to get more serious, then the couple may go public with their relationship and thus inform the social circle of the new relationship status.
One of the benefits of this maneuver is that the couple in the relationship will have already formed a foundation for their relationship, such that when members of the social circle try to exhort any influence (again, not necessarily out of malice, but possibly out of good intentions), the influence may end up halted by what the couple has already established as part of their relationship boundaries.
One of the consequences is that some members of the social circle might have a bruised ego or hurt feelings that they were not included in the “big secret”. If this is the case, ignore it. Those are the same people who lack maturity that would have made dating openly in a social circle a nightmare.
By Frank Kermit
Dating can be tricky. Does the other person like you the way you think he or she might? Do you really like that person enough to get more serious, or do you want to keep it more casual as you get to know them more, all the while risking that if you are not serious enough, that person might end up getting serious with someone else in the meantime? Will that person get along with my friends and my existing social circles? Will I get along with that person’s friends and social circles? Navigating these relationship management questions is part of the adventure of dating.
Sometimes, these concerns might be too overwhelming for some people, such that, they would prefer to date people that are already part of their existing friend groups and social circles. Intellectually, this would seem easier as the person you are dating is already accustom to the people you like to hang out with, and you already know everyone seemingly gets along. However, when you add romantic dating into the equation of maintaining social circles, it might be worse for you, that person and the entire social circle.
When dating someone in your existing social circle of friends, it is usually best to keep your dating between you and the person you are dating and not share details of your intimate meet ups with others in the group. This is especially necessary when you are still only at the beginning stages of dating. When initially dating someone, although it is expected that you both have an initial interest in each other, or at least are open to the possibility that something more could develop, it is also just as likely at this stage, that you might end up going on only a handful of dates and decide it is not meant to be.
Depending on where your personal boundaries are with sex and dating, this also may mean that the two of you might even have had sex by the time you decide to end the romantic connection, and just resume a friendship within the social circle. Some people can manage this process very well. Others may have a harder time being friends with someone they have already slept with, that remains in the social circle, especially if that person was the one that wanted to continue dating.
What many people do not factor in is that members of the social circle may have their own issues and problems with the people who decide to try and make a go of a romantic relationship. The reasons are various. It could stem from jealousy as there may have been someone in the social circle that had an interest in dating one of the couple, and now feels uneasy with the fact that the target of his or her affection chose someone else (a friend) to date first.
Another issue is that there might be someone in the social circle that simply does not have the maturity to handle the idea that two of their friends got together, dated, maybe even had sex, and ended it and that such an involvement is not fodder to be regularly brought up, made fun of, or a challenge to address.
By challenge I mean that sometimes, friends within a social circle, whom usually have the best of intentions, will make a mission of getting the former casual couple back together, even if it is against that couple’s wishes. Herein is where the real issues are when dating someone openly at the beginning stages of relationship, within a social circle. There will be people within that same social circle that will feel an obligation to involve themselves in the couple’s personal affairs. This kind of interference is rarely a good way for any couple trying to start the beginning of a potential relationship.
If you are thinking of dating someone that is already entrenched in your social circle, then strongly consider keeping the details about your romantic interests to yourself. Do not share your interest with others in the same social circle. If you do manage to get the person you are interested in on a date, do not share those details with the other members of your social circle. When you see the person you are starting to date at a social circle event, do not act like you are dating. Act friendly, but do not hold hands, cuddle, kiss or openly talk about the dates you have had. It may even be necessary to arrive and leave the events separately to avoid suspicion. If you behave correctly, no one in the social circle should have any inclining that the two of you are dating in any capacity, including having seen each other naked. Keep in mind this is a little more difficult than people think.
When couples get comfortable with each other, it is only instinctual to let that comfort show in very subtle ways (like standing extra close to each other in public, whereas most people still maintain a certain private bubble even between friends. Part of keeping the initial dating phase quiet is fighting this instinct.
If after dating a few times, one or both of the people in the couple decide to stop the romantic nature of their involvement, and wish to remain friends with the social circle intact, it will be easier to stay a part of the social circle. Break ups can split a social circle as members of the circle may start to take sides and get too involved in the private troubles that broke the couple up. Not being too public about the attempt at a more serious relationship beyond friendship is what helps keep a social circle together.
On the other hand, if after dating a few times the couple decides they like each other enough to get more serious, then the couple may go public with their relationship and thus inform the social circle of the new relationship status.
One of the benefits of this maneuver is that the couple in the relationship will have already formed a foundation for their relationship, such that when members of the social circle try to exhort any influence (again, not necessarily out of malice, but possibly out of good intentions), the influence may end up halted by what the couple has already established as part of their relationship boundaries.
One of the consequences is that some members of the social circle might have a bruised ego or hurt feelings that they were not included in the “big secret”. If this is the case, ignore it. Those are the same people who lack maturity that would have made dating openly in a social circle a nightmare.
- Published on
The Masks You Wear When Dating
What Love Masks
By Frank Kermit
A mentor of mine taught me that love is not blind; it is just that categories are rigid. When you meet someone, you put that person in a category (lover, friend, temptation, fling, does-not-count, creepy, unattainable, out-of-my-league, good-enough-for-now, spouse, soul-mate) because of how that person addresses (or violates) your emotional needs based on your first impressions; and if it turns out that the person actually belongs in a different category, it is more challenging to drop that first impression category.
For example, you meet someone, then get wrapped up in the honeymoon phase of the dating experience, you may categorizes that person as the perfect soul-mate, only to find out the harsh reality three months later that the person and you simply have incompatible core values. You and that person should never had more than just an intense private fling. But, -love is blind- so it is likely very challenging to give up on that person who is actually best left as at temporary adventure (fling), despite intellectually knowing better, because of the category they have already been put in (soul-mate).
When on a first date with someone, it is generally expected that we are going to be our best self, and not just be yourself. Your best self is a Mask. You are not going to act like your every day self. First dates are a time to put out your best character traits forward. As deceitful as it sounds, it is actually very ethical. You go on that initial outing together to get a feel of what kind of person you are meeting, and for that person to get a feel for you. If you do not put your best self forward on a first date, you are likely killing your chances of getting the beginnings of your relationship off the ground to reach the second date. Using the Mask of your Best Self is no more deceitful than being at your best when going to a job interview.
Wearing a Mask in relationships is only unethical, when you LIE to the other person and attempt to pass a false representation of yourself in order to get sex, a relationship, or basically just to get someone to even like you as a friend. Situation comedy productions (TV, movies, and theatre) love to play out this plotline of someone trying to use a Mask of deceit in order to get someone to date them, and usually all have an ending where the truth is learned and the Masked-User is punished, left abandoned and with nothing. The same principle applies when meeting someone new in real life. If you used a lie to get with a person, and assuming the interaction goes on beyond the point of a traveling one night stand, that same lie has the power to tear down everything you have since built up with your partner.
We all wear masks. It is not a question of should we, or should we not, wear a Mask when dating. The issue is always the context. How we act at a funeral, is very different from the way we act at a wedding. Each face we exhibit is a Mask.
That is not being lying or deceitful...it is about CALIBRATION to the circumstances and environment around you. Whenever you lie, you are hiding behind a Mask, and likely that same Mask will be your undoing. The best way to use your Mask is for the Mask to be a reflection of those parts of your personality that you want to display.
On a lighter note, I fondly remember a scene from a Peanut Cartoon entitled, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". A number of the characters were together getting dressed to go out trick-or-treating for Halloween.
The aggressive character Lucy Van Pelt known as the mean, crabby old sister exclaimed, "A person should always choose a costume which is in direct contrast to her own personality" just as she put on a witches costume. The joke of course is that she did not see herself as a witch, when in all other respects; she was depicted as a mean witch in the show.
However funny or inappropriate the joke may be in today's climate, it does shed light on the idea that most peoples first assumptions with Masks, is that Masks are trying to hide a persons true intentions and that the Mask being presented is not an indication of the person behind it.
The further irony of the above example is that in the majority of cases, real witches (not the kind that appear in popular media, but the kind of women and men who take part in a variety of healing arts and religious practices) happen to actually be some of the most pleasant people sometimes.
Even mean Lucy reveals at the end of the show, how much she actually does care for her younger brother who defied her the entire episode. She wakes up at 4 a.m., concerned that he is not in his bedroom, and fetches him from the cold pumpkin patch where he is shivering and half asleep. She does not scold him. She just brings him home and tucks him into a warm bed.
Sometimes, we wear Masks, not to deceive people, but to feel safe and protected, to hide away our insecurities, our fears, and to prevent us from feeling too vulnerable.
It is OK to want to feel safe. It is normal and human of us. For the purposes of finding love and connecting with others, the key is not about doing away with Masks.
The key is about being just guarded enough that we protect ourselves, while at the same time test the people around us, so that we can share ourselves slowly as the other people earn enough of our trust for us to feel safe in being with them Mask free.
I wish you all bountiful loot bags, and may you never have to say that all you got was a rock.
Happy Halloween!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating is no place for a coward
It is just ONE Date
by Frank Kermit
Something in coaching, I encounter a number of people that got in their own way
I am talking about those people who got a match with someone they wanted to date
who wanted to date them back...
and then the person...
REFUSED TO GO ON ONE DATE
Really? Yes, really!
Biggest reason listed was they were afraid it would not work out
and that they would eventually get
REJECTED.
Really? Yes, really!
It is so frustrating when you have two people that have already admitted
they want to see each other again,
and one of them chickens out.
The world of dating is no place for a coward.
Discovering a mutual connection and not even giving it one date is simply cruel.
You owe it to the people who put in the work but still that struggle to date.
You owe it to the other person.
You owe it to yourself to
take a chance and risk a rejection
to find the love of your life.
So, when you match up with someone, just go on one date, whether you are afraid or not.
Just get out there and GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
This article is an excerpt from the Ebook The Frank Guide To Speed Dating
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
Creating Chemistry
Looks vs Personality: Creating Chemistry
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up to me in coaching often is what do you do when you find someone's personality very interesting, even attractive, but you really are not into that person's looks.
The answer is one that no one wants to hear.
If you are single, date that person anyways
and see if chemistry develops over the time
of a few dates
Sometimes, you have to kiss that person goodnight in order to get the fireworks to initially spark.
When you meet someone in speed dating,
and that person has enough spark just from personality that makes you think MAYBE,
Just say YES
Take the chance, and go for the match. You never know...that person might even reject you!!!
It would be good to know to help you keep that ego of yours in check.
Bottom line is that you are single!
Maybe you are single because you are way too picky
Maybe your standards are too high for what you can attract
But you are single.
Give that person a chance.
You only have everything to gain.
This article is an excerpt from The Frank Guide To Speed Dating program
- Published on
Too Picky for Dating
Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Speed Dating
Speed Dating: Review of a Host
By Frank Kermit
Speed dating is a great way to meet a larger group of new people in the shortest amount of time, however many people get so nervous about having to actually talk to new folks, that a number of attendees tend to cancel attending at the last minute. Over 30 people had RSVP for a Montreal Speed Dating event held in NDG last week, but only 16 actually attended (10 women and 6 men). It was an all adults ages event open to all denominations and backgrounds, which is a little more rare as most speed dating events try to group participants through common themes (race, religion, age bracket, financial cluster).
However, the biggest obstacle to people making connections and finding matches had nothing to do with who else showed up. Most people struggle at speed dating because of their refusal to be more open minded about whom they would have a first coffee date with.
The way Speed Dating works is that each man-and-woman-pairing gets about 10 minutes to have a quick conversational date. At the end of that time slot, each person marks a sheet indicating, "Yes" or "No". They mark "Yes" if they felt there was enough of a match to be assigned to go on one date in the future. They mark "No" is they do not want to date in the future. If each person both writes "Yes", it is a match and the couple gets each other's contact information to go on a date. If both say "No", there is no match up for a date. If one person says, "Yes" and one person says "No", it is considered a Missed Match. Depending on the organizers, some speed daters are notified of the missed matches to get a second chance to change their mind about actually going out on a date with that person after all.
The individuals who struggle most are the ones that are way too picky. Results are usually consistent in that those that are the pickiest, end up with high numbers of missed matches. It is unlikely that when the picky person realizes they may have made a mistake, that the originally rejected person will give them a fair chance to date in the future, but it can happen.
Speed dating results do not lie. They give you a clear indication of what kind of value you project as a potential partner in a short conversation. Although personally, I met one of the best girlfriends I ever had in my life through speed dating, I also find the speed dating is a great tool to help you assess how you come across as well as a great indicator of your personal date-ability. It can let you know just how desirable you really are, versus how desirable you like to think you are.
Speed dating is also a great way to challenge your self and get back into the dating world after a long absence. "I am just here to practice conversation but not going to pick any matches" said one man that ended up choosing 3 women, and ended up with 1 match and 5 missed matches. "I am very picky about who I would date because I have a lot to offer" says the man that chose only 1 woman, but ended up with no matches and no missed matches either. "I don't need any date coaching," says the woman that chose 6 men, but only got one match and a missed match. At least some of them tried, which is still a little bit better than the ones who came right up to the door and chickened out at the last minute, or purposefully skipped over some of the dates because, "people that pretty would never date someone like me". What is worse is when two people do in fact get matched up, and then one of them refuses to go on the date for fear of being rejected by the very person that admitted wanting to date him or her. Argh!
The real winner of the night was the lovely lady who came in with an open mind and open heart. She said yes to over half of the men and ended up with 3 solid matches. This means that over the next two weeks she is going to have 3 first dates, and has her choice of who she gets to pursue a more committed relationship with, if she wants it. Now that is a successful dating attitude, whether or not any of these first dates makes it to a second date.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
How Long Do You Wait Until You Date Again?
How Soon Do You Start Dating
After A Break Up?
By Frank Kermit
"How much time should I wait before I start dating again?" is a common question that I get asked from someone that has just recently gotten dumped, and still suffering a broken heart. I always tell them the same thing: none. The sooner you start getting out there, the better. The shock, and startling surprise from people sets in, and then a calm comes over them when the realization also sets in that they are free to do what they want.
If you are going to break up with someone, you had better mean it. You had better be sure that you do not want a future with that person, and that you are ready to hear about your soon to be ex partner having a new life with someone else.
Losing your temper, or feeling too overwhelmed are not solid excuses for a break up. If you break up after every fight, and then get back together after every cooling off period, all you are doing is turning a repeating behavior pattern into a solid habit that is going to take effect even after you get more serious in the future if you somehow end up living with, married or having children with that person.
On again, off again relationships are notorious for intermediate flings and love affairs that "do not count" as cheating because the partners were "on a break" at the time. The problem with this pattern is that, although it may start as a legitimate attempt to break up, or a mistake in letting anger gets the best of you, it can easily turn into a means of casually breaking off your primary relationship, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because you need an excuse to try to date someone new without it technically being cheating. One of the worst potential consequences is that this kind of repeating behavior pattern is hard to break even when you finally end up in a great relationship with someone totally new, as your old standard behavior pattern is to break up instead of fix the problem head on. Long-term relationship success is not for quitters.
Some break ups turn out to be nothing more than emotionally abusive tactics employed by manipulative toxic people. These manipulators usually target emotionally vulnerable people who have inherit deep rooted fears of abandonment, and a manipulator will time a dramatic break up to lay siege on a vulnerable person's need for security at the worst possible time, in order to put that victim into a state of hyper-panic. This places the victim in a zone where the emotions are so overwhelming that the victim then agrees to just about anything as a means to sooth their anxiety. The manipulator's tactic is complete when the manipulator comes back just before the traumatic effects start to subside in the victim. This allows for the manipulator to capitalize on enforcing the victim's attachment to staying with the abuser at all costs to stave off deep emotional hardships.
For this reason, when someone breaks up with you, and assuming this is a routine occurrence, the BEST ADVICE in such a break up dynamic is YOU NEVER TAKE THE BREAK UP ARTIST BACK.
Dating other people right away is a reminder that your ex partner is just one of many people you can potentially connect with. It is not about how attracted you are to your new date it is about getting back into the habit of realizing your ex is not the only person out there.
So the next time you are thinking about temporarily breaking up with your partner as a tactic to "keep'em on their toes", you may want to re-think that strategy. All you are doing is giving someone that has been waiting for you to step out of the picture long enough, to make a move and make your ex, his or her new partner...And rightfully so. Breaking up with someone is not "a tactic". It is a choice you make, and be sure that you can live with the consequences of saying goodbye.
In my personal philosophy, everyone has the right to seek out a soul mate without interference. When you break up with someone, your ex has that right to seek out someone new that could be his or her next soul mate. Getting in their way is simply unethical.
One very key understanding to dating after a break up, is that you are ONLY suppose to -date- and not get into serious relationships right away. It is normal to be a little emotionally vulnerable after a nasty break up, and seeking comfort in someone new is very OK. As long as you understand, and the person you are dating is also made to understand, that due to your recent break up, getting into a serious commitment is not permissible at this time. Date each new person no more than once a week, and date as many people as you can.
One last dating tip: In the event that the person who left you does come back begging to reconcile, and in the event you want to give that person a chance, the only way to make it work for the long term is that you only date your ex again once a week to start off, and have your ex earn your trust, commitment and TIME all over again. They have to start at the bottom all over again just like any one new you are dating. If you simply pick up where you left off, all you are encouraging is for your re-partner to break up with you again and again when the fancy strikes. That is not love. That is just loopy.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Stop talking about your ex
Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex
By Frank Kermit
So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature.
Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off.
Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover.
Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past.
Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own.
For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex.
If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you.
Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company.
A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner).
While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
First Date Conversations:
Tips for the Tongue-tied
By Frank Kermit
First dates. Yikes! The pressure! The Horror! What the heck are we going to talk about!?! As exciting as first dates can be for some people, it can cause inner crisis for others. Some of us chatty types have no problem finding new ways to learn about someone we are interested in, while others get tongue-tied and come across as creepy interrogators.
So let's look at some guidelines for conversations for a first date.
There are certain things that you do not talk about on a first date.
No talking about your ex's in any negative way is the first guideline. The more you trash your ex, the more you actually comment about your own lack of judgment of character. After all, you did chose to date your ex. You do not control who you like, but you do control who you date. (Taking responsibility stinks doesn't it?) When the topic of ex's comes up, talk about what you learned about yourself while dating your ex. It is a lot more calibrated and shows your charisma. If your ex cheated on you, maybe you learned that you could be too trusting, or that your expectations were unreasonable, or maybe you have learned to take your time getting to know people better. See how much more enticing this sounds than calling your ex a bunch of two-timing names?
No talking about sexual histories. There is nothing wrong with sharing sexual histories later in the relationships. In fact, the more serious you get, the more you need to share. As far as first dates go you are still trying to figure out things about the other person such as: is the other person capable of handling how many partners you have been with?
Furthermore, are you sure you can trust this new potential partner with any of your personal information that you would not have shared in your social circle, or posted about on social media? First dates are not the time for deepest and darkest secrets. Sharing too much information when you have not fully tested the person you are sharing it with, can come across at best as needy behavior and at worst as a red flag behavior. The only time you need to share those most intimate secrets, is when you know that the person you are with might chose not to be with you if your secret is found out. For example: let's say you have a STI (sexually transmitted infection) and you reach a point where you and your partner are about to have sex on the first date. If you have any sort of STI that you know of, it is at the very least, the moral thing to let the other person know so they have a choice in the matter if they want to put themselves at risk.
Depending on what you have, and the laws that govern that territory, it may even be the law to share that information. If you knowingly infect someone with a disease that could potentially kill them (directly or through complications), you could very well be charged with murder. If you are asked, tell the truth. If you have reasons not to tell the truth, then do not have sex.
In terms of topics on a first date, some good advice is to never continue the same topic throughout the entire date. No matter how interesting you think your job is; if that is all you talk about on your date then you are B-O-R-I-N-G (and likely getting used to being alone).
A great first date will have a least 3 locations. The place where you meet up, the place you switch venue too, and the last place is the place where you would be able to have sex (if it goes there). A good guideline is that if you talk about a certain topic (i.e. favorite places you have traveled) that you limit that conversation to the location that it came up in.
You do not talk about the places you traveled the entire date. When you move location, you change the conversation topic no matter how interesting that topic was at the previous location.
Conversations on a first date are never about entertaining the other person. They are about scoping out what kind of person you are dealing with, and what kind of relationship you can have with that person. Is the person you are dating one-night-stand material? Marriage potential? Could the person you are seeing tonight be the absolute perfect soul mate for your best friend who is sitting at home alone tonight? Conversations on a first date must include sharing stories that relate value, boundaries, expectations and your emotional needs.
Here are some fun conversations games you can try using: The Love-Hate game. With this game one person picks a category and the other person has to name one thing within the category they love, and one thing in the category they hate. Then they switch roles.
For example, one person says "seasons" and the other person responds with "I love autumn, I hate winter." Then they switch and the second person says "sport", and the first person says, "I love tennis, I hate football"...and so on. In a short amount of time, you can find out a lot about a person, and it can lead to a number of conversation spin offs. It can also give you topics to stay away from.
Another game is the Five Million Dollar Question. With this conversation game you are checking to see what values and life plans a potential partner may already have in place, or if they never really think about their future.
You ask the person what they would do with their first million, what they would do with their second million, what they would do with their third million...and so on. Do they mention things like a trust fund for their current children, or future children? Do they talk about shopping and traveling the world and with which million? Do they talk about helping the less fortunate or a favorite charity? Do they mention family and friends they would like to help and how? Do they list a number of items they would buy for fun (or revenge)? What is the order in which they would they spend their money? The game does not cover if the money is from winning the lottery, an inheritance, or based on some means of earning it. It is about seeing what a persons priorities are.
When conversations on a first date stop being about trying to impress or entertain your date, and becomes motivated by your curiosity to learn as much as you can about the other person, it is a lot easier to find topics to talk about.
Frank Kermit
Tips for the Tongue-tied
By Frank Kermit
First dates. Yikes! The pressure! The Horror! What the heck are we going to talk about!?! As exciting as first dates can be for some people, it can cause inner crisis for others. Some of us chatty types have no problem finding new ways to learn about someone we are interested in, while others get tongue-tied and come across as creepy interrogators.
So let's look at some guidelines for conversations for a first date.
There are certain things that you do not talk about on a first date.
No talking about your ex's in any negative way is the first guideline. The more you trash your ex, the more you actually comment about your own lack of judgment of character. After all, you did chose to date your ex. You do not control who you like, but you do control who you date. (Taking responsibility stinks doesn't it?) When the topic of ex's comes up, talk about what you learned about yourself while dating your ex. It is a lot more calibrated and shows your charisma. If your ex cheated on you, maybe you learned that you could be too trusting, or that your expectations were unreasonable, or maybe you have learned to take your time getting to know people better. See how much more enticing this sounds than calling your ex a bunch of two-timing names?
No talking about sexual histories. There is nothing wrong with sharing sexual histories later in the relationships. In fact, the more serious you get, the more you need to share. As far as first dates go you are still trying to figure out things about the other person such as: is the other person capable of handling how many partners you have been with?
Furthermore, are you sure you can trust this new potential partner with any of your personal information that you would not have shared in your social circle, or posted about on social media? First dates are not the time for deepest and darkest secrets. Sharing too much information when you have not fully tested the person you are sharing it with, can come across at best as needy behavior and at worst as a red flag behavior. The only time you need to share those most intimate secrets, is when you know that the person you are with might chose not to be with you if your secret is found out. For example: let's say you have a STI (sexually transmitted infection) and you reach a point where you and your partner are about to have sex on the first date. If you have any sort of STI that you know of, it is at the very least, the moral thing to let the other person know so they have a choice in the matter if they want to put themselves at risk.
Depending on what you have, and the laws that govern that territory, it may even be the law to share that information. If you knowingly infect someone with a disease that could potentially kill them (directly or through complications), you could very well be charged with murder. If you are asked, tell the truth. If you have reasons not to tell the truth, then do not have sex.
In terms of topics on a first date, some good advice is to never continue the same topic throughout the entire date. No matter how interesting you think your job is; if that is all you talk about on your date then you are B-O-R-I-N-G (and likely getting used to being alone).
A great first date will have a least 3 locations. The place where you meet up, the place you switch venue too, and the last place is the place where you would be able to have sex (if it goes there). A good guideline is that if you talk about a certain topic (i.e. favorite places you have traveled) that you limit that conversation to the location that it came up in.
You do not talk about the places you traveled the entire date. When you move location, you change the conversation topic no matter how interesting that topic was at the previous location.
Conversations on a first date are never about entertaining the other person. They are about scoping out what kind of person you are dealing with, and what kind of relationship you can have with that person. Is the person you are dating one-night-stand material? Marriage potential? Could the person you are seeing tonight be the absolute perfect soul mate for your best friend who is sitting at home alone tonight? Conversations on a first date must include sharing stories that relate value, boundaries, expectations and your emotional needs.
Here are some fun conversations games you can try using: The Love-Hate game. With this game one person picks a category and the other person has to name one thing within the category they love, and one thing in the category they hate. Then they switch roles.
For example, one person says "seasons" and the other person responds with "I love autumn, I hate winter." Then they switch and the second person says "sport", and the first person says, "I love tennis, I hate football"...and so on. In a short amount of time, you can find out a lot about a person, and it can lead to a number of conversation spin offs. It can also give you topics to stay away from.
Another game is the Five Million Dollar Question. With this conversation game you are checking to see what values and life plans a potential partner may already have in place, or if they never really think about their future.
You ask the person what they would do with their first million, what they would do with their second million, what they would do with their third million...and so on. Do they mention things like a trust fund for their current children, or future children? Do they talk about shopping and traveling the world and with which million? Do they talk about helping the less fortunate or a favorite charity? Do they mention family and friends they would like to help and how? Do they list a number of items they would buy for fun (or revenge)? What is the order in which they would they spend their money? The game does not cover if the money is from winning the lottery, an inheritance, or based on some means of earning it. It is about seeing what a persons priorities are.
When conversations on a first date stop being about trying to impress or entertain your date, and becomes motivated by your curiosity to learn as much as you can about the other person, it is a lot easier to find topics to talk about.
Frank Kermit
