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Date Someone That is NOT Your Type
Have You Tried Not Dating Your Type?
By Frank Kermit
We all have our type. By -type- I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with. But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, particular scents like perfumes and colognes that draw us in once upon a whiff, or maybe even a body type.
Each of us has an ideal combination of attractors that when presented to us in a radical idealized form, fuels our lovelorn fantasies into a blazing inner inferno. Inside we feel everything from a warm fuzzy feeling, to tingling sensations, to waves of rapture that throb and pulsate throughout our bodies when the idol of our affections draws near to us. It is no wonder how some of us get into relationships with people who just might be exactly what we need to stay away from.
One of the biggest struggles the people have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with. In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their futures, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts. When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
Our (what I refer to in my work as:) Attraction Mechanism can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience. Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example, a person may be born with a particular sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual) and through life experience (and possibly in connection with genetic predispositions) may also end up responding to stimuli very positively in ways that would qualify for different sexual orientations mentioned already, and ever expanding sexual orientations (i.e. pansexual).
Another challenge is when what you are attracted too DOES NOT change, but when the person you are with DOES change.
For example, a person may only be attracted to a youthful appearance but is unable to see anything representing older age as attractive in its own rights.
People age over time. Another example is a person that is highly attracted to wealth and status, and is unable to have any intimate response to someone seeking an emotional connection. People can lose wealth and status over time. Whether it is the natural aging process, or a series of unfortunate events that can happen in life, there is one key element that is abundantly clear.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the tests of time.
Does this mean that they only way to have a successful long-term relationship is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in? No actually. However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted too, but not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lusting for a happier and more stable life.
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their partners. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed. Finally there are people that do not wish to become cheaters, so they may attempt to structure a non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet.
Whether doing without, or structuring a non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved. What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control who you are attracted too, but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction. It is simply a process of learning about yourself and how to manage your relational expectations.
-Frank Kermit
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What To Do When You Like Someone
What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit
It happened. Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened. When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone. You actually found someone that you like. Now what?
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do? Do you tell that person directly and see what happens? Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process? Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest? What if you do not know what signs to look for? What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect. There are a number of factors to consider such as do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it), or perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends).
First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences. If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach. The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be. If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures. Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided. In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Involving your friends has its pros and cons. Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in. In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity. A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages. You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand. Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is to take some kind of action listed above. People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating: It's All Or Nothing
All Or Nothing Dating
By Frank Kermit
There is little point in constantly continuing to pursue someone that has rejected you repeatedly in the past.
When you ask someone out, and that person says no, but would rather remain friends, think very carefully before agreeing to it. There is a difference between dating as friends as a means to get to know one another enough to see if there is a potential for a relationship, and being just friends and hanging out as friends with no intention of moving it to the next level.
When the person you ask out is someone new in your life that does not know you well enough; there is no shame in a rejection. That rejection may have nothing to do with you per se as that other person may have things going on that make starting a new relationship very challenging (such as still on again off again dating of an ex). However, when that person that rejected you happens to be someone that has been friends with you for quite some time, it is an insult.
Yes, an insult. It is not that you got rejected from immediately going on a romantic date. What makes it an insult is that the friend in question is not even open to trying to build a romantic relationship with you. It is one thing if your friend claims he or she never thought of you in that way, but is open to going out a couple of times to give the two of you a chance. It is quite another when that “friend” makes it clear that your friendship wasn’t valuable enough to give it a chance for romance.
Most people feel that valuing a friendship means you never take it into a romantic realm. I disagree. There is no value in maintaining friendships with people who are romantically interested in you. At best the person with feelings will end up feeling used and resentful over time, and at worst, the person will continue to forge a friendship in the HOPES that the nature of the non-romantic connection will change over time. Both situations can be emotionally damaging for the person who continues to long for something more, and to have those affections unreturned.
The BEST thing that can happen is that the friend agrees to give the two of you a fair chance at romance. One of two things will happen. You either will end up in a relationship, or you will not. Is it possible that a break up down the road (whether after a longer relationship, or just a couple of dates) could end the friendship? Of course! That is one of the risks of dating; getting to know someone enough and having experiences with them that you end up not liking the person at all.
However, the real secret is that the friendship in question is already dead. The moment that one of you proclaims affection and a desire to move things forward, for all intent purposes, the friendship is over and the only way to show respect for, and salvage the friendship, is to give it a real chance at becoming something more than just a friendship.
A friendship that does not merit even taking a chance at turning to love was never a real friendship. The sooner people realize it, the sooner they can build long term relationships that actually have the base to withstand what causes many couples in love to succumb to divorce.
Frank Kermit
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Primary Partners in Open Relationships
Primary Partners in Open Relationships
By Frank Kermit
In the hierarchy of relationships and dating, the position of Primary Partner on the Non-Monogamous Branch of the hierarchy, which is the level equal to Exclusive Partner on the Monogamous branch, often raises a number of eyebrows. After all, it seems almost a contradiction in terms to say that someone is primary to you, if you are still dating other people. Yet, that is exactly what it means. When you are in some kind of open-relationship structure where you and your partner come to terms with having certain permissions for one, or both of you, to date other people then the issue becomes how to define what separates and makes your Primary Partner a distinct priority, over your other non-exclusive partners.
For some people, this can be an easily made distinction. The Primary Partner is deemed to be the only partner that is being considered as a future fiancé, spouse, and life partner. (This may even include the idea of becoming parents with the Primary Partner).
For others, this can be a very confusing set of parameters that can be ever changing with a Primary Partner being demoted to Secondary Partner, and a Secondary Partner being promoted to Primary depending on circumstances which may be beyond the control of the people involved. For example, if two people consider each other a Primary Partner in an open relationship, but one of them is called away on a work assignment or for school, to travel away from home for an extended period of time (could be months, even years), then the Primary Partner position may rarely be stable.
A Primary Partner enjoys certain rights and privileges that other non-exclusive partners do not share in. These may include rules such as, only Primary Partners may engage in unprotected sex, the Primary Partner is the only one to meet members of the significant others family and friends, and the Primary Partner gets a say (maybe even a Veto) on who else can become a non-exclusive partner of the significant other.
It is up to the individuals in the relationships to decide what rules they will follow, based on what they believe they can and cannot handle. However, there are some basic general rules to help newcomers to non-monogamy navigate a multi-partner lifestyle.
Never define a partner as being a Primary Partner just because you end up happening to spend lots of time with that partner. The amount of time you spend with someone can be an indicator of the level of commitment you share, but it is not, nor should it be, the sole telling criteria.
It is highly suggested that you do not make someone your Primary Partner who does not consider you a Primary as well. Making someone your Primary when you are that person’s Secondary (or lower down the hierarchy) means that your needs and concerns come after your Primary Partners other partner(s) who are more a Primary priority than you. However, this does not apply for individuals who enjoy a lifestyle of not being, nor having, a Primary. Some individuals thrive on their freedom, and likely do not even consider the partner they connect with most, a primary. In fact, it is very possible to be involved with multiple people, without ever having a true Primary Partner because of the extra responsibility that it would entail.
Is it ever possible to have two Primary Partners? For example, do those individuals that actually want to seek out two husbands, or two wives, aim to have two Primary Partners? I will leave that discussion for a possible future article.
Frank Kermit
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How To Date Non-Exclusive
Non-Exclusive Dating
By Frank Kermit
A client of mine recently asked me, “How do you tell someone you are dating, that you are also seeing other people while dating him or her?” The answer is, honestly and directly.
There is nothing to hide in the fact that while you are dating and getting to know someone, you are also dating and getting to know others as well. Until you make a public commitment to only date just one person, the expectation that you and the other person are exclusive is unreasonable. Just because you meet for coffee, or have a dinner date, or have a romantic encounter one evening does not automatically mean that a commitment exists between the two of you that forbids either of you from dating another.
One area of confusion for many couples is that each individual comes into dating with certain expectations of what different events mean. When two people’s meanings of interactions conflict, dating gets a lot more complex than it ever has to be.
What about sex? Shouldn’t having sex with someone automatically indicate that, at the very least, there is more going on between the two people than just the sex itself? In theory, it would make sense. However, the experience of clients that are shared with me during my practice, suggests that sometimes sex, just means sex, and nothing more.
If you want the person you are starting to date to stop dating others, or date others without going all the way to sex, it is up to you to communicate your request, instead of hoping that someone is going to either read your mind, or just assume the other person thinks the same “common sense” that you do. If the person you are dating agrees, then it is settled.
However, if you or the other person disagrees about being exclusive while dating, it is a great opportunity to talk about why.
For some people, dating exclusively is simply not an option. Perhaps they do not believe in monogamy, or they do not believe in monogamy when just dating. For others, it can be a matter of how much time has been spent dating the same person before becoming exclusive.
Whether it is 3 dates, 3 weeks or 3 months, it is important to ascertain a deadline to either expect exclusivity or potentially end dating that person. And still, there are others that do not base their desire to be exclusive on how long they have been dating a person, but rather whether or not they see a serious potential future with that person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity, and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to date non-exclusively. It is only an issue of ethics if someone is either lying about their exclusive intents, or trying to force someone to their way of doing things.
The best everyone can do is to decide for him-or-herself what makes sense in dating, and invite others to date them under those rules. The people you date will either accept it and date you, or not accept it and leave.
Now then, if someone does NOT accept your guidelines about exclusivity and STILL decides to date you anyway, then the issue has nothing to do with valuing or not valuing exclusivity. That has to do with a deeper issue that we can explore in a future session.
Frank Kermit
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Mistakes Singles Make #7
Mistakes That Singles Make # 7
That Keeps Them Trapped in “Singledom”
By Frank Kermit
There is nothing wrong with being single if you’re happily single. However, being single when you would give up everything going on in your life, just to have someone to share that life with, can be one of the worst feelings of isolation known to the heart.
I have met many singles trapped on the island of Singledom that were looking for a ticket out. A few of them really were the stereotypical socially-challenged types that the mass population would expect to remain single. However, those stereotypes are in the tiny minority. The vast majority of singles, who hate being single, are basically good people, decent looking, some of them down right hot and attractive, have good employment and access to resources, can talk intelligently and are considered great friends by the people who like them.
So what is going on here?
I have often found that single people who are stuck being single make many of the same mistakes that keep them single. Most of the citizens of Singledom are not even aware of the mistakes they are making which are part of why they remain single. One of the painful experiences of learning where they made mistakes was coming to the realization of just how many opportunities they originally had to date people they were interested in, but either were unable to read the signs, or communicated in a way to turn the other person off.
So, to help the citizens of Singledom gain better access to emigrate off that isolated island and get back into the rocky waters of the main stream love valleys, I am going to write a series of articles, just for them, that will appear randomly in this column.
Mistakes Singles Make # 7: Hanging Out with Attached Friends
There is an old saying that was taught to me while growing up; that the single person who is going to spend time with an already established couple is there to “hold the candle”. Meaning, that the single person has resided him or her self to being the servant of the existing couple, because the single person is not adamantly seeking to find their own partner.
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way from finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with those same friends.
True friends want to see you happy. If you have been single a long time, it is normal for the people around you to worry about you being alone, especially if they care about you. However, that will not always be the case. There will be times that your attached friends, will try to sabotage your chances of finding your own happiness, if they are selfish and only think about how it will impact them. I hear this a lot from women I coach who find out that their coupled-friends are not thrilled with any of her suitors, partly because they stand to lose their regular free baby-sitter if she actually has a love life of her own. If your friends are not trying to help you meet someone, then you may need to re-evaluate the amount of time you are spending with them.
Time is one of the only resources you have a constantly diminishing supply of. You cannot actually “make” time. All you can do is choose how you are going to spend your remaining time. The minutes continue to tick away, lost forever, even as you continue to read this article.
If everyone in your social circle is attached, leaving you the only Singledom citizen in the circle, and no one in the circle is in a position to introduce you to someone new, or set you up on a blind date…then it is time to seek out a new social circle, or better yet, start one of your own.
If you are single and you do not want to be, then you will have to make finding a relationship partner a priority. That means, you have to spend more time seeking out a potential partner and meeting new people, and stop using up that time to hang out with existing friends that have either rejected your interests, are already attached, or who were never an option to begin with.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best closest friends will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse and children ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends…and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses and good parents. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner and family if you want it. You just might have to make some different choices, than you made in the past, to get it.
Frank Kermit
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Dating Single Parents
Single Parent Dating:
More Than Just A Single Issue
By Frank Kermit
At least 40% of marriages end in divorce. Depending on the study you read, the percentage can be higher. Even though the break down of families continues, the drive that makes people want to connect with one another does not break down. But what happens when a newly single person, ready to re-enter the dating scene...has kids? Single parents have it tough. Not only do single parents have to be careful that the person they are dating isn't actually a child predator looking to capitalize on a vulnerable and lonely parent, but they also must accept that many good potential partners may simply refuse to date single parents. In fact, there are single parents who refuse to date other single parents to avoid blended family issues, even though another single parent might best understand how he or she feels.
The biggest mistake single parents make is trying to hide the fact they have kids when getting to know someone new; Figuring it is best to have the potential partner develop feelings first and get hooked before they share this "tiny detail". In case you are wondering...it doesn't work in the long term. Can't build a future starting with an omission of truth. One of the challenges single parents face in the dating scene is an irregular schedule. A good parent, who rightfully puts children ahead of dating, makes for an unstable dating schedule.
If you are looking for something more than casual encounters, it is much more difficult to build as a single parent. If you really want to touch the heart of a single parent you are dating...chip in for the cost of babysitting, so you can see the parent more often.
When things get more serious, some people who do date single parents are not always ready for the responsibilities that come with "instant-family" which is why the pool of who will seek out a serious relationship with a single parent is smaller than for people without children. In fact, depending on where you live and the law of that territory, if the wealthier person of the couple had promised to care for the children of the single parent, that potential partner could end up paying child support after the relationship ends, for kids that aren't even biologically theirs.
If you are dating a single parent, then something you should know is not to push meeting your date's children. If you meet them through happenstance, present yourself as a "friend" of the parent, and do nothing in front of the children to suggest otherwise. Children that get too close to "the date" may end up with their own intimacy and attachment issues as they experience a parent going through a string of temp-parents coming in and out of their lives. Children lack the life experience or emotional maturity that comes with adulthood and how to interpret romantic relationships and realistic expectations. (For that matter, many adults have the same issues) Each time a child gets close to a new partner only to have the parent and new partner break up, it can be as gut wrenching for the child as it is for the parent...possibly more so. This is still only taking into account that the kids even want to get to know the new partner. In fact many children may instinctually hate the new date because some children fear abandonment from the other parent if they were too be accepting of the new partner.
Even in cases where the parents split up due to extreme domestic issues, most children still have a hope that mom and dad will work it out somehow, and the new date is a barrier to that hope.
If there was one bit of advice that every single parent must keep in mind it is this: factor in the physical, mental and emotional well being of your child into your dating life. This covers everything from choosing whom to spend time with, all the way to introducing your new love to your children when the relationship is serious enough, to creating a blended family with your new partner. The single parent has to decide what is more important: the potential exciting next partner or the potential excellent stepparent.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
where you can go on a date
Focus On The Person,
Not The Location, Of Your Date
By Frank Kermit
I have been on Montreal CJAD AM radio as a regular contributor for years now on the Passion radio show with Dr Laurie Betito. In that time I have made a number of statements about my own stance and opinions on dating and relationships based both on my practice and my personal experiences. Some of my comments earn praise, and some others get the introspective discussion, and some get trashed.
There is one bit of advice that I have given out over the years, that seems to have garnered a tremendous amount of backlash, and to be Frank (pun intended), I am actually shocked that of all the advice I dole out, that it is this one nugget that repeatedly gets brought up again and again.
The fact that I think that first dates ideally should be inexpensive and people should pay for their own share, has earned me the wrath of audiences, more than any other topic I have ever talked about, including managing friends-with-benefits, open relationship dating, multi-partner sex, sharing sexual pasts, and sexual fetish lifestyles combined.
I believe that it all started with questions about first dates, what constituted a date, where is an appropriate location for a date, cost of a date and so on. I said something to the effect that any location is fine for a first date and giving a fast food restaurant (McDonalds) as an example. You’d have thought I was endorsing a threat to national government security with the rage it enticed. One woman actually wrote to me privately claiming that, “No one falls in love at McDonalds you Dufus!” (One of the nicer messages I assure you)
When you go out on a date, what is your goal? Are you looking for someone to pay your way to high priced dinners at fancy restaurants, or are you looking to go on a date to find a compatible partner to fulfill some role you desire? If your goal is to just get more “stuff” (meals, gifts, attention) the only people you will attract are the kinds of people that only have “stuff” to give, and will have their own expectations of what should be “owed” to them (The good news is that people who use people regularly end up with people who use people). If your goal is to find a partner to share some aspect of your life, then if you know how to manage dating (which most people do not) the location of the date becomes almost irrelevant. So yes Virginia, you can fall in love anywhere.
So who should pay for a first date? Yes, there is an etiquette that suggests that the person who is doing the inviting should cover the cost of a date. I have found that a high number of women tend to strongly endorse this etiquette. Understandable given the fact that even in a modern society of equality between genders, men are still the primary gender that is expected to ask out women on a date.
Men seem to fall into two distinct categories. There are men who truly respect women as equals and thus expect women to be capable of paying their own share until such a time as the couple moves from casual dating to something more serious (at which point joint expenses have their own rules). Then there are men who believe a man should pay for a first date because either they view themselves as being a gentleman in paying, or more insidious, they still view women as needing to be handled much like children, who could not possibly take care of themselves. Though, most men would not openly admit it because they are not Frank enough (again, pun intended), there are few other areas of life where someone wanting what could be interpreted as special treatment is ever looked upon with the respect of an equal.
If you are heading out on a date, and are more concerned with judging the location of the date, instead of focusing on the person you are dating, your focus is on the wrong element. The WORST thing that could happen to you is that you end up in a serious relationship with someone that used the razzle-dazzle of showcasing during those first few dates just to get you committed, and who turns out is too incompatible for you seven months later. Was the razzle-dazzle worth the lost time of months (could be years) with the wrong person? That is up to you.
One thing I can tell you for an absolute certainty. It certainly was the worst thing that has happened to some older clients of mine that come into my office, because they are shocked by being single (and usually child-free) at an age where they thought they would have already had their own families, and ask me for help to answer their overwhelming question of “Frank, What Happened?”
Frank Kermit
- Published on
5 Tips for First Dates
5 Tips For A First Date
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
Rules for First Date
Stop messing up
your first dates!
Focus on on these easy and simple rules to turn first dates into fun and pleasurable experiences!
- Published on
Everybody Gets One Date
Everybody Gets One Date
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
Where To Go on First Dates
Get Over 100+ Ideas for Places To Go for a First Date!
Stop wasting time being overwhelmed looking for ideas where to go.
This program gives you the answers about where to go for dates, and tells you why they are great locations!
