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how to make someone tell you the truth
Handling The Truth About Relationships
Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings
By Frank Kermit
Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is:
A Persons Ability To Handle Truth.
The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key.
Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle.
If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can.
During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth.
Meaning,
that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later.
So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode.
This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths.
I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away.
I control the behavior, not the emotion.
It has strengthened my connections with others.
Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories.
If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it.
You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear.
For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people.
It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other.
It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another.
It only has to do with basic sexual orientation.
If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too.
To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them.
Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous.
Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship.
Actually, it is not.
It is just a truth about your relationship.
The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship.
It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together.
Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself.
Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger.
It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble.
Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest.
(How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?).
Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it.
If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it.
This is the real world.
There is no having it both ways.
If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you.
Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective.
If you are losing yourself in your rage,
you will destroy everything you love.
Frank Kermit
If you want to get someone to be honest with you, to tell you something, you do not need to cast any truth spells. All you need to do is learn the traits of a charismatic person.
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
People feel safe to tell the truth to those that are charming and know how to handle truth.
Learn to handle the truth. Buy the Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma
how to make someone tell the truth
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choosing the right partner
Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success
Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have.
However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them.
Confused yet?
Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!)
Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out.
Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you.
For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity.
The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner.
The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs.
We do not choose who we love.
However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with.
You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life.
That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner.
By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”.
If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with.
If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero.
The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner.
Frank Kermit
To find the right partner, learn to attract someone that will fall in love with you and love you immensely without question, by studying the emotional needs.
To BE the right partner that your ideal lover wants to commit to, study the emotional needs so you know what to say and how to act to make them fall in love with you.
factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner
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How Attraction Works
The Attraction Theory
Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018
By Frank Kermit
There is an attraction theory that states,
"How you do one thing,
is representative of how you do
all other things."
Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations.
Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make.
On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns.
Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates.
On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things.
How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context.
Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections.
Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business.
In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context.
For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active.
However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate.
They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship.
Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point:
How someone treats you must be your most important criteria.
If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be.
Frank Kermit
Emotional Needs of Men
If you really want to attract someone, then you MUST study the Frank Kermit Emotional Needs Theories.
It produces marriages, helps adult virgins find their first love, and makes relationship easy to attract and manage.
Go Right Now!
Emotional Needs of Women
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Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children
Prior Commitments vs.
Commitment To Children
By Frank Kermit
Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience.
It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with.
The filter is to ask the question:
Is this in the best interest of my kid/s?
In some cases the answer is very straightforward.
In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not.
Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer.
It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival.
Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits.
Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child.
It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children.
Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children.
In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes.
Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority.
So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently.
Bottom line is that the kids come first.
For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments.
On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment.
For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me.
I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future.
There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up.
However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not.
Frank Kermit
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Pre-Marriage Coaching
Addressing, "I don't"
Before Saying "I do"
By Frank Kermit
Getting married? That is great!
You found someone that wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you, as much as you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Bravo! And before the big wedding day, there is so much to do. The wedding planning alone is an overwhelming task.
However, wedding planning, and for that matter, planning the rest of your life, aside, there is still a little matter that may require your attention.
That little matter has to do with just how much you actually know about the person you are set to marry.
In my practice, I often find that individuals can easily describe what it is they like about their future spouse.
However, sometimes, a better-worded question is required to bring to an individual's attention to just how much they have yet to discover about the person he or she is engaged too.
If you are engaged to be married, and you want to be sure you have asked all the right questions, but are unaware of where to start, then ask yourself this:
What is it about your future spouse that you don't know? Make a list.
If you still have no idea of what to ask, start off with questions where the answers, could indicate you would have to negate your engagement, or at the very least put it off for a little while longer until the situation can be resolved.
Here are some examples:
I don't know if my potential life partner has:
-Ever been arrested,
-Served time in jail,
-Has a criminal record,
-Lived a lifestyle that you are enormously against,
-Has a history of abuse,
…and so on.
If it would stop you from being engaged to your partner, be sure to admit what you do not know, and make the effort to find out.
Other examples may include asking "I don't" questions having more to do with whether or not you wonder if your potential life partner is capable of accepting elements from your own past.
In this case, some examples can include:
I don't know if my potential life partner
can accept that:
-I had a child that was given up for adoption that might look me up one day,
-I filed for bankruptcy less than a decade ago,
-I may be unable to have children,
-I have a secret from my past that no one knows about,
-I cheated when we first started dating,
…and so on.
If you think knowing the truth about you would cause your potential life partner to call off the wedding, then you owe it to the both of you, to give your partner the option of making an informed decision.
Love may be blind, but personal inabilities to accept partners fully and completely can force eyes open to the unpleasantness of a broken engagement.
It is better to find out all about all of your "I don'ts", before saying that most important "I do".
That will give you the best chances that when you answer "I do" to "to have and to hold, until death do you part" you can actually mean it and stick too it through the good times and bad.
Frank Kermit
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Strings Attached and Dating
Strings Attached Dating
By Frank Kermit
It is important to be grateful for everything you have, and everything that others do for you.
Having gratitude reminds each of us to be thankful for elements in our life that we may likely take for granted.
During troubling times in our life, gratitude is a reminder of how things could be worse, and helps people keep a sense of perspective, which helps many individuals from being overwhelmed by life challenges.
Gratitude, and the act of being grateful is a good thing.
However, like any good thing, it is a matter of context, and even gratitude can be turned into something negative in our love lives if we are not careful.
In my practice, I sometimes see good people being manipulated because their own gratitude has been used against them.
A typical example is that the person is dating someone, and the partner does something for the person.
Person expresses gratitude, and then the partner reveals that the giving-act has a price (an expectation) that was not previously disclosed.
What can end up happening is that the person who was grateful, may now feel pressured into giving into to the expectations (now demands) of the partner, partly out of guilt, and partly out of wanting to show appreciation for the giving act he or she is grateful for.
When it comes to dating, we all bring expectations to the table.
There is nothing wrong with having a price attached to what you want to give in a relationship. In fact, having a price for what you offer translates to having boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself, your needs and is necessary for you to communicate to others how you want to be treated.
That is not the issue.
The issue is when people do not communicate their expectations (their price) for a giving-act BEFORE taking action.
There can be no assuming that someone sees an exchange in dating, or attaches the same values that you do, to any particular action.
If the two of you have not discussed the expectations going forward, never assume anything has any deeper meaning to your partner, as it might for you.
If you have expectations of your partner based on certain actions, express them before you do the actions.
Otherwise, you may end up using the gratitude your partner feels towards you as a weapon of manipulation. It may not even be your intent to do so, but that is what you are doing, and it is wrong.
Do you expect your partner to commitment to you if you have sex? Do you expect your partner to give up other dating options if you introduce your partner to your family? Do you expect your partner to continue to see other people, as you intend, until there is a formal engagement or marriage proposal? Do you expect your partner to tolerate any of your inappropriate attitudes and behaviors, because of the way you take care of him or her? Do you expect that your partner will make your needs a priority if you shower your partner with gifts?
Trying to guilt anyone into agreeing to give you something in exchange for your thoughtfulness is not ethical, because it is robbing that person of a proper choice in the matter.
If you have any strings attached to what you do in dating, be clear and let that person know what your strings are to ensure that neither of you end up unintentionally trying to manipulate one another.
Frank Kermit
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Dating the Ex of Your Friend
Dating Your Friend's EX
By Frank Kermit
A question that comes up, more often than not from younger adults, than from older clients is: What are the rules about dating the ex of your friend?
Younger people have more to consider when dating the ex of a friend. It is not just the loss of the friendship that is at risk, but it could cost him or her an entire social circle, and a reputation that could make their world much more challenging.
Older people tend to be more independent, better able to stand up for themselves, and life experience has taught them that even the best of friendships may not last forever, and a successful loving relationship can actually be worth the risk of losing a friendship.
With all that said, here are some tips about dating the ex of a friend.
First, be mindful if your friend has any expectation of being asked permission. Some people really expect to be asked for permission before a friend dates his or her ex.
That expectation also comes with the notion that if your friend says no, you will hold off dating the ex, no matter how you feel about that person.
In my teachings, I let people know that no one, including your friends, need to approve of who you date, including if it is an ex of theirs.
This is unrealistic, as by the time a new couple realizes there is something they want to explore, the time for permissions has likely already passed.
However unrealistic, it can be quite popular with certain individuals.
Second, some friends do not have the expectation that permission will be sought (that is good and realistic), but they may still have the inclination to expect that the new couple will reach out and tell the friend directly about the new relationship.
Once again, this is not realistic as the relationship could have started spontaneously, or even started in secret to keep things less complicated in case things did not work out right at the beginning.
Part of the problem is that friends tend to share way too many details about their love life with one another, that when something is not shared for any reason, it can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect.
This is why the best course of action is to never get into the habit of sharing too many details about your love life with your friends.
There are some things your friends do not need to ever know, and in truth, you are under no obligation to share such information.
With that all said, if you are going to date the ex of a friend, and your friendship with that person is very meaningful to you, and is a friendship that you wish to make efforts to maintain, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your friend, and letting your friend know that you and the ex have begun dating.
Do you have to do it? No.
Will this type of behavior automatically save or maintain your friendship? There is no guarantee.
Could your new partner (the ex), be miffed at you talking to your friend in this way? Possibly.
However, life is about making choices, and it is up to you to decide how you will choose to deal with this dating dilemma.
If you are stuck, trying to figure out if you should withdraw from dating the ex of your friend, if you should do it in secret, if you should reach out and ask permission or just let your friend know directly what is going on, or if you should just date who you want to date, and accept the consequences no matter what happens, then consider this:
If the situation were reversed, what are your expectations if a friend of yours ended up dating an ex of yours?
At the very least, it is a starting point.
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Single on New Years Eve
Stop Wasting Time:
The Resolutions
For Singles in the New Year
By Frank Kermit
Some people find themselves starting the New Year as a single person. For those that are happy being single, the New Year is getting off to a great start.
However, if someone is not happy with being single, and wants to make sure to be in a relationship by the time New Year's Eve comes around again, it is important to make some changes.
If there was one area that single people must make changes to, in order to ensure their best chances at no longer being single, it can be summed up in 3 simple words:
Stop-Wasting-Time.
Stop Wasting Time means that you realize that your "time" is a resource of a very limited supply.
You cannot get back any time that you already spent. All you can do is focus on the time you have left. When it comes to the desire to no longer be single, how you spend your time is very important.
There are certain things you must devote time too. These include your set obligations, your family responsibilities, your work, your education, your health but when all of that is done, then you may have time left over to focus on other things.
That time left over is the time you need to devote to making changes in your life to break the repeating behavior patterns that have thus far kept you single. If you are not using that time wisely, you could be wasting it.
For example, you have decided that this was the year you were going to find new love, and build a serious relationship with him or her, and the next thing you know, you get contacted by one of your ex lovers who happens to be lonely and wants to enjoy your company again.
If you keep hanging out with ex lovers just to avoid feeling lonely, you are wasting your time.
Use that evening to go out some place to potentially meet someone new.
If you are casually dating someone currently and it appears that there is little chance of it turning into a serious commitment, you might be wasting your time.
Talk to your partner about what would have to happen to for such a commitment to occur.
If your partner cannot give you a direct and crystal clear answer, you are wasting your time with that person.
Use that time to go to workshops to develop your social or conversational skills.
If you have hobbies which are enjoyable pastimes (stamps, genealogy, videogames) but do not allow for you to interact with new people in real life social settings where you can explore a potential romance, you are wasting your time.
Use that time to take up a new activity like a dance class where you must interact with others and potentially find a connection.
Even chilling out with your friends can end up being a huge waste of time.
Unless your friends are able to directly introduce you to someone new they brought to the social circle, hanging out with the same groups of people that do not provide you with your own chance of love is a time waster.
This also includes that friend of yours that you are in love with, and continue to ask out, but rejects you again and again.
Spending time with someone that continually rejects to attempt to take your friendship to the next level is wasting your time.
Use that time to meet up with new social circles that can meet your needs better.
Some people struggle with this because they carry a notion that they should not have to put in so much effort to connect with a new love.
They feel that it should just happen when the timing is right, and would rather wait for love to come to them.
For some people, this has worked because they are naturally able to draw such opportunities to them.
However, for the rest of us who were not naturally able to draw it to us, it is time to put in the work.
Next New Year's Eve is just about 11 months away.
You can either wait to see if you will be alone again, or you can choose to take action and increase your chances to have someone to start next year with a meaningful kiss. It's your time
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Being Single Can Be Like Winning The Lottery
Being Single is Just Like Winning The Lottery
By Frank Kermit
Updated March 3, 2018
The topic to be discussed is why are so many people still single when we live in a time when there are more ways than ever to meet someone to have a meaningful satisfying loving relationship.
Many years ago, a student of mine asked me the same question of why some people are still single; given all the different ways someone can meet a potential relationship partner. Here is what I told him.
In modern times, being single is just like winning the lottery.
When you are single, you have lots and lots of choices. You can choose to date casually, or seek a serious partner. You can wait or you can rush in.
You can date whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can have sex, or you can abstain.
You can seek out someone to create and parent children with you, or you can seek to have a child on your own. You can choose to use protection and remain childfree if you really want. You can date people of any faith, any culture, any race, and any gender.
You can choose to get married, get engaged, just live with someone...or never get that serious. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
When you win the big lottery, you have lots of and lots of choices.
You can choose to go on major spending sprees, or seek a serious financial planner. You can hold off claiming the winnings and get your plans in order, or you can claim it and rush to make purchases.
You can share your money with whomever you want, whenever you want, however many times you want. You can invest or you can abstain from investing.
You can seek out partners to create business ventures together. You can let the money sit in the bank and never spend it if you choose to be minimalist if you really want.
You can choose to buy a house, a new car, a collection of assets, or never get into any sort of purchasing. It is all completely up to you.
You have the power of choice.
The people who end up broke and in worse debt than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in worse situations by wasting time with bad relationship partner choices.
Neither of them have life management skills (in finance and romance) nor did either of them take the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
The people who end up financially stable and even richer than when they first won the lottery are exactly like those people who were single and ended up in the best possible situations by making the most of their time with good relationship partner choices.
The both had life management skills (in finance and romance) and they made the time to learn how to manage all the choices they were suddenly saddled with.
If you are single and you want to stop being so, take the time to learn about who you are, what you want out of life, and to figure out who would be the best relationship partner for you.
A successful romantic future is just like a successful financial future; it comes down to making the right investment and managing it for life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Deadlines
Dating Deadlines
By Frank Kermit
Sometimes, the only way to move forward in a relationship is to set a deadline.
Setting a deadline when you are dating someone is a way to find out exact how serious someone is about continuing to be with you, and how ready someone is to move your relationship to the next level.
If you have a life plan and feel that you are running out of time because your partner seems like he or she is dragging their heels, asking them for a deadline for when they will make a move may be a good idea.
Dating deadlines are usually related to a couple setting a specific date to move into the next level of commitment in the hierarchy of relationships.
It can mean going from causal dating to a more serious relationship, living separately to living together, going from dating to an engagement, and a deadline to go from engagement to marriage, and to trying to get pregnant.
A deadline can also be about non-relational situations such as buying or selling an asset, and even deciding when to move to another area or city.
In some of the more complex situations I have seen in my practice, it may even involve asking a partner to give up seeing someone else in order to fully focus and commit to the relationship.
If you are thinking about setting a dating deadline, because you suspect your partner is consciously or unconsciously dragging heels about a certain move forward within the relationship, be sure to involve that person in naming the deadline date.
It is always best to let the person who is holding back, to set the date of the deadline.
The key is to let that person pick a deadline he or she feels comfortable with meeting. Then give that person the space he or she needs to meet that deadline.
This will accomplish exactly what you need:
An environment of support and trust that gives your partner everything necessary to meet the deadline without added pressure.
If your partner meets the deadline, you will have moved forward in the relationship together.
If your partner has not met the deadline, and there were no other mitigating circumstances to blame, your partner has no excuse for not meeting the deadline.
Your partner not meeting the deadline is the outward sign you may need to end the relationship.
There was one couple I distinctly remember from my practice that had set a dating deadline that by a certain date, there were to be married.
On what would have been their wedding day, there were still not married (not even close to the planning stages of a wedding), and they decided to come in for a coaching session together to figure out why it had not happened.
A deadline not met should often be seen as a red flag.
However, it does not need to automatically declare the end of a relationship.
In some cases, an unmet deadline can also be the push necessary to start a path of personal growth and healing, to get your relationship where you want it to be.
Frank Kermit
