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Date: February 2007, Title: Payton Kane of Seduce and Conquer
Frank Kermit makes an appearance as one of the few relationship expert guests ever on the show Seduce and Conquer show hosted by Payton Kane about his journey From Loser To Seducer.
Frank Kermit makes an appearance as one of the few relationship expert guests ever on the show Seduce and Conquer show hosted by Payton Kane about his journey From Loser To Seducer.
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Kelly Alexander is a veteran of Montreal's and Toronto's radio scenes. Kelly is living her dream. In time, Kelly found herself back home, in Montreal, where she jumped into many radio shoes, including co-host of a local morning show, traffic reporter for a variety of stations, and rocketing to her own midday program! Kelly's success in radio continues, and is thrilled to expand her horizons by launching the Kelly Alexander Show podcast.
Polyamory vs Monogamy - New Years Eve and Dating Resolutions
Date: Jan 4 2016, Title: Passion New Years Eve Week
Frank Kermit makes his 104th appearance on the CJAD 800 AM program Passion on Jan 4, 2016 to talk about news years resolutions and dating. On this show, guest host Kelly Alexander and Frank talk about Polyamory vs Monogamy - Secondary vs Primary relations, A BF being pursed by his female friend and should his gf set an ultimatum? getting over a traumatic break up, older women dating younger men, age gap dating, how not to get used in dating, a couple that fights and then he cheats, online dating profile advice, should a man leave his family and his wife of 15 yrs, can people stay friends after being friends with benefits, how to help a guy (25) that cannot find a GF good enough, why everyone gets one date, top dating resolutions for the new year and what a husband who gained weight can do when his wife rejects him.
Frank Kermit makes his 104th appearance on the CJAD 800 AM program Passion on Jan 4, 2016 to talk about news years resolutions and dating. On this show, guest host Kelly Alexander and Frank talk about Polyamory vs Monogamy - Secondary vs Primary relations, A BF being pursed by his female friend and should his gf set an ultimatum? getting over a traumatic break up, older women dating younger men, age gap dating, how not to get used in dating, a couple that fights and then he cheats, online dating profile advice, should a man leave his family and his wife of 15 yrs, can people stay friends after being friends with benefits, how to help a guy (25) that cannot find a GF good enough, why everyone gets one date, top dating resolutions for the new year and what a husband who gained weight can do when his wife rejects him.
Open Marriage Dating and Father Figure of Lesbian Couple
Date: March 17, 2015, Title: Passion, Trouble Tuesday monthly feature
Frank Kermit fills in for Dr Laurie Betito to take calls and texts from listeners. Topics discussed are Open Marriage Dating, being a father figure to kids of a Lesbian couple, revealing past abuse to new lovers, a tribute to a deceased fan, how to handle special days and holidays when you are dating multiple people, conversations for a first date, pre marriage counseling coaching, when your girlfriend goes through your phone, addicted to an ex, and if and when you should reveal past abuse to a new lover and partner.
Also, guest host Kelly Alexander (from The Kelly Alexander Show Podcast) and Frank reunite again for the second time. This is the 27th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the second time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM
Frank Kermit fills in for Dr Laurie Betito to take calls and texts from listeners. Topics discussed are Open Marriage Dating, being a father figure to kids of a Lesbian couple, revealing past abuse to new lovers, a tribute to a deceased fan, how to handle special days and holidays when you are dating multiple people, conversations for a first date, pre marriage counseling coaching, when your girlfriend goes through your phone, addicted to an ex, and if and when you should reveal past abuse to a new lover and partner.
Also, guest host Kelly Alexander (from The Kelly Alexander Show Podcast) and Frank reunite again for the second time. This is the 27th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the second time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM
Signs of Cheating, Can Affairs Help?, and Single on Valentine's Day
Date: February 4, 2015, Title: Passion, Trouble Tuesday
Frank Kermit and Kelly Alexander, together again, for the first time! Kelly Alexander is guest host of the week, filing in for Dr Laurie Betito, for Passion Trouble Tuesdays. This is the 26th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the first time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM. On this show, Frank and Kelly take texts and calls from the audience, and cover the topic of signs of someone cheating, can an affair actually help your relationship, single going into Valentine's Day, and more...
Frank Kermit and Kelly Alexander, together again, for the first time! Kelly Alexander is guest host of the week, filing in for Dr Laurie Betito, for Passion Trouble Tuesdays. This is the 26th time Kelly interviews Frank, but only the first time that it happens on CJAD 800 AM. On this show, Frank and Kelly take texts and calls from the audience, and cover the topic of signs of someone cheating, can an affair actually help your relationship, single going into Valentine's Day, and more...
Coping With Loss
Date: October 24, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 242
Frank Kermit makes his 25th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #242 to talk about Coping with Loss of Relationships.
Frank Kermit makes his 25th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #242 to talk about Coping with Loss of Relationships.
Why Are We Still Single? - The Great Love Debate
Date: August 2, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 231
Frank Kermit makes his 24th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #231 to talk about Why we are still single, and the great love debate in Montreal.
Frank Kermit makes his 24th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #231 to talk about Why we are still single, and the great love debate in Montreal.
Date: June 6, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 223
Frank Kermit makes his 23rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #223 to talk about the struggles of Adult Male Virgins. Also discussed was the California Santa Barbara shoot Elliot Roger as he was an adult male virgin.
Frank Kermit makes his 23rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #223 to talk about the struggles of Adult Male Virgins. Also discussed was the California Santa Barbara shoot Elliot Roger as he was an adult male virgin.
Ultimatums in Dating
Date: May 21, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 220
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #220 to talk about making ultimatums in dating.
Frank Kermit makes his 22nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #220 to talk about making ultimatums in dating.
Dating and New Technologies
Date: March 27, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 213
Frank Kermit makes his 21st appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #213 to talk about new technologies and dating. If you have a relationship with someone over technology, but have not met in person outside of technology, is it a real relationship? Are the feelings real? How long should you wait to meet someone in person? On the Mask of Technology: Why do people act one way online behind a computer and act differently in person? What are some ways to protect yourself dating through technology? What is the danger of how relationships through technology can be used against you in the future? How have new technologies changed the experience of dating new people? How people can use technology to track you when they want to date you? Is it OK to break up with someone through technology instead of in person? How younger adults are using new technologies for short term flings? Is technology to blame for this behavior? Can people experience deeper levels of intimacy through technology (like people being more honest or caring in emails)?
Frank Kermit makes his 21st appearance on The Kelly Alexander Show episode #213 to talk about new technologies and dating. If you have a relationship with someone over technology, but have not met in person outside of technology, is it a real relationship? Are the feelings real? How long should you wait to meet someone in person? On the Mask of Technology: Why do people act one way online behind a computer and act differently in person? What are some ways to protect yourself dating through technology? What is the danger of how relationships through technology can be used against you in the future? How have new technologies changed the experience of dating new people? How people can use technology to track you when they want to date you? Is it OK to break up with someone through technology instead of in person? How younger adults are using new technologies for short term flings? Is technology to blame for this behavior? Can people experience deeper levels of intimacy through technology (like people being more honest or caring in emails)?
Falling In Love With A Friend
Date: February 3, 2014, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 205
Frank Kermit makes his 20th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do when you fall in love with a friend, friends with benefits, how to bring it up, how to go from friends to lovers, if you should even bother dating a friend, and his appearance at the Living Solo Show, Salon vivre en solo at Place Bonaventure for 2014 Valentine's Day Weekend
Frank Kermit makes his 20th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do when you fall in love with a friend, friends with benefits, how to bring it up, how to go from friends to lovers, if you should even bother dating a friend, and his appearance at the Living Solo Show, Salon vivre en solo at Place Bonaventure for 2014 Valentine's Day Weekend
New Relationships Over The Holidays
Date: December 19, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 199
Frank Kermit makes his 19th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about dating and new relationships going into the holidays.
Frank Kermit makes his 19th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about dating and new relationships going into the holidays.
Media and False Relationship Representation
Date: November 18, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 195
Frank Kermit makes his 18th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about relationships presented in the media that would never work in real life, as well as, bad relationships presented for humor and sales, and the potential effects on audiences.
Frank Kermit makes his 18th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about relationships presented in the media that would never work in real life, as well as, bad relationships presented for humor and sales, and the potential effects on audiences.
All About Commitment
Date: October 3, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show Ep 190
Frank Kermit makes his 17th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Commitment. How long should you wait to commit to someone? How can you tell that someone is as committed to you as you are to that person? Find out this and more on this episode of the KAS.
Frank Kermit makes his 17th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Commitment. How long should you wait to commit to someone? How can you tell that someone is as committed to you as you are to that person? Find out this and more on this episode of the KAS.
Weddings and Dating
Date: August 2, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 16th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Dating and Weddings. Should you bring a date to a wedding? Attend a wedding with your ex? Attend the wedding of an ex?
Frank Kermit makes his 16th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Dating and Weddings. Should you bring a date to a wedding? Attend a wedding with your ex? Attend the wedding of an ex?
Caring What Other People Think
Date: April 18, 2013, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 15th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Caring What Other People Think in Dating.
Frank Kermit makes his 15th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Caring What Other People Think in Dating.
Pre-Wedding Conversations (Pre Marriage Coaching)
Date: January 21, 2013 Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 14th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about conversations to have before the Wedding.
Frank Kermit makes his 14th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about conversations to have before the Wedding.
Happy and Single
Date: November 22, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 13th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Being Happily Single. Find out if it is even possible to be Happily Single and how to handle the stigmas of Singledom.
Frank Kermit makes his 13th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Being Happily Single. Find out if it is even possible to be Happily Single and how to handle the stigmas of Singledom.
Date: October 5, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 12th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Speed Dating. Find out what Speed Dating is all about right here.
Frank Kermit makes his 12th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Speed Dating. Find out what Speed Dating is all about right here.
Spotting Red Flags and Warning Signs When Dating
Date: July 27, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 11th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show episode 129. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Spotting Red Flags. What are some of the major red flags to spot when dating? Find out here.
Frank Kermit makes his 11th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show episode 129. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Spotting Red Flags. What are some of the major red flags to spot when dating? Find out here.
The Talks You Must Have After Engagement
Date: April 26, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 10th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do right after you get engaged, including the kinds of questions and conversations to have with your soon to be spouse.
Frank Kermit makes his 10th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about what to do right after you get engaged, including the kinds of questions and conversations to have with your soon to be spouse.
Friends With Benefits
Date: March 8, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 9th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Friends-With-Benefits Relationships and how to manage them.
Frank Kermit makes his 9th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Friends-With-Benefits Relationships and how to manage them.
How To Get Over and Ex
Date: February 2, 2012, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 8th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Way To Get Over An Ex. Find out a number of tips and tricks to moving on from your past relationships in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 8th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Way To Get Over An Ex. Find out a number of tips and tricks to moving on from your past relationships in this interview.
Break Ups Part 2 of 2: When Couples Break Up
Date: November 17, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 7th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Couples Break Up. What are some of the guidelines of breaking up? What is the best way to talk about a break up? What should you say to your mutual friends about the break up? Can you stay friends after a break up? If so, what are the new rules of friendship? Can you flirt with an ex? Find out in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 7th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Couples Break Up. What are some of the guidelines of breaking up? What is the best way to talk about a break up? What should you say to your mutual friends about the break up? Can you stay friends after a break up? If so, what are the new rules of friendship? Can you flirt with an ex? Find out in this interview.
Break Ups Part 1 of 2: When Parents Break Up
Date: November 10, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 6th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Parents Break Up. How should parents tell their kids about the break up? What are some of the issues parents may have about each other in a break up? What are some of the issues that kids have regarding parents breaking up? Does the age of the child matter? Should a new relationship partner be presented to the children right after a parents break up? What are some of the things parents can do to help children through a parents break up? Is there ever a time when parents should stay together for the sake of children? Find out in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 6th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about When Parents Break Up. How should parents tell their kids about the break up? What are some of the issues parents may have about each other in a break up? What are some of the issues that kids have regarding parents breaking up? Does the age of the child matter? Should a new relationship partner be presented to the children right after a parents break up? What are some of the things parents can do to help children through a parents break up? Is there ever a time when parents should stay together for the sake of children? Find out in this interview.
May-December, Age Gap Relationships
Date: June 30, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 5th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about May December Relationships. What are some of the issues that people in May-December Relationships face? Why do people think that May-December Relationships are a sign of people being used and emotional dysfunction? Is there any truth to it? What should a person who has kids already do if they get into a May-December Relationship? Should much older people have children? What are the stigmas to these relationships and how can you combat them? Find out in this interview.
Compromise
Date: May 5, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Compromise in Relationships. What role do boundaries and deal breakers play in compromise? What should people compromise in a relationship and what should people not compromise on? What do you do if one person in the relationship compromises more than the other? Find out in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Compromise in Relationships. What role do boundaries and deal breakers play in compromise? What should people compromise in a relationship and what should people not compromise on? What do you do if one person in the relationship compromises more than the other? Find out in this interview.
Tips for Valentine's Day
Date: February 3, 2011, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Valentine's Day. What do you do if you are alone on V-day? What about if you are dating many people casually? Who do you choose to spend the day with? Why is V-day so hard on some people? Find out in this interview.
Frank Kermit makes his 3rd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Valentine's Day. What do you do if you are alone on V-day? What about if you are dating many people casually? Who do you choose to spend the day with? Why is V-day so hard on some people? Find out in this interview.
Date: September 30, 2010, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about the emotional needs of men and the emotional needs of women. How the emotional needs of men are different than the emotional needs of women.
Frank Kermit makes his 2nd appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about the emotional needs of men and the emotional needs of women. How the emotional needs of men are different than the emotional needs of women.
Date: August 19, 2010, Title: The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show
Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Great First Dates. What are the do's and don't's of dating? Should you have sex on a first date?
Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on The Kelly Alexander Podcast Show. On this show Frank and Kelly talk about Great First Dates. What are the do's and don't's of dating? Should you have sex on a first date?
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CKRK-FM is an English-language Canadian radio station located in the Kahnawake Mohawk Territory, a First Nations reserve near Montreal, Quebec. It broadcasts on 103.7 MHz. The station went on the air on March 30, 1981, and identifies itself as "K103" (and also sometimes as "The Monster").
The Do and Don'ts For Valentine's Day
Date: February 13th, 2015, Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by guest host Jessica Oesterreich on The Partyline Talk Show to talk about Valentine's Day, the dos and don'ts, and answering questions from callers including if you should propose or confess your love on Valentines Day. Also discussed is the difference between a coach and a therapist, coaching vs therapy, and the value of match makers and match making in 2015.
Frank Kermit makes his 4th appearance K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by guest host Jessica Oesterreich on The Partyline Talk Show to talk about Valentine's Day, the dos and don'ts, and answering questions from callers including if you should propose or confess your love on Valentines Day. Also discussed is the difference between a coach and a therapist, coaching vs therapy, and the value of match makers and match making in 2015.
Frank Kermit on the K103 Morning Show: New Tech and Dating
Date: August 4, 2014, Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit was a guest on K103.7 FM radio. Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on the K103 Morning Show with Lance Delisle and Paul Graif to talk about writing love letters and new generations with new technologies and the world of dating
Frank Kermit was a guest on K103.7 FM radio. Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on the K103 Morning Show with Lance Delisle and Paul Graif to talk about writing love letters and new generations with new technologies and the world of dating
Tips for Valentine's Day. Lori Jacobs interviews Frank Kermit
Date: February 13th, 2014, Title: Radio K103 - Partyline Talkshow
Frank Kermit made his second appearance on K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by Lori Jacobs. The topic of the show was the Do and Don'ts of Valentine's Day. We also gave out passes to the Living Solo Show at Place Bonaventure. Frank also talked about how he became a Dating and Relationship Coach.
Frank Kermit made his second appearance on K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by Lori Jacobs. The topic of the show was the Do and Don'ts of Valentine's Day. We also gave out passes to the Living Solo Show at Place Bonaventure. Frank also talked about how he became a Dating and Relationship Coach.
Frank Kermit and Lori Jacobs talk about Humor and Relationships
Date: April 1st, 2010, Title: Radio K103. Frank Kermit makes his first appearance on K103.7 FM radio. The Partyline Talk Show hosted by Lori Jacobs. The topic of the show was Humor and Relationships. How to use humor in relationships. Humor, the good, the bad and the escapism. The role of humor in long term relationships and ways to use humor so that it brings you closer to your partner.
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How Long Do You Wait Until You Date Again?
How Soon Do You Start Dating
After A Break Up?
By Frank Kermit
"How much time should I wait before I start dating again?" is a common question that I get asked from someone that has just recently gotten dumped, and still suffering a broken heart. I always tell them the same thing: none. The sooner you start getting out there, the better. The shock, and startling surprise from people sets in, and then a calm comes over them when the realization also sets in that they are free to do what they want.
If you are going to break up with someone, you had better mean it. You had better be sure that you do not want a future with that person, and that you are ready to hear about your soon to be ex partner having a new life with someone else.
Losing your temper, or feeling too overwhelmed are not solid excuses for a break up. If you break up after every fight, and then get back together after every cooling off period, all you are doing is turning a repeating behavior pattern into a solid habit that is going to take effect even after you get more serious in the future if you somehow end up living with, married or having children with that person.
On again, off again relationships are notorious for intermediate flings and love affairs that "do not count" as cheating because the partners were "on a break" at the time. The problem with this pattern is that, although it may start as a legitimate attempt to break up, or a mistake in letting anger gets the best of you, it can easily turn into a means of casually breaking off your primary relationship, not because there is anything wrong with it, but because you need an excuse to try to date someone new without it technically being cheating. One of the worst potential consequences is that this kind of repeating behavior pattern is hard to break even when you finally end up in a great relationship with someone totally new, as your old standard behavior pattern is to break up instead of fix the problem head on. Long-term relationship success is not for quitters.
Some break ups turn out to be nothing more than emotionally abusive tactics employed by manipulative toxic people. These manipulators usually target emotionally vulnerable people who have inherit deep rooted fears of abandonment, and a manipulator will time a dramatic break up to lay siege on a vulnerable person's need for security at the worst possible time, in order to put that victim into a state of hyper-panic. This places the victim in a zone where the emotions are so overwhelming that the victim then agrees to just about anything as a means to sooth their anxiety. The manipulator's tactic is complete when the manipulator comes back just before the traumatic effects start to subside in the victim. This allows for the manipulator to capitalize on enforcing the victim's attachment to staying with the abuser at all costs to stave off deep emotional hardships.
For this reason, when someone breaks up with you, and assuming this is a routine occurrence, the BEST ADVICE in such a break up dynamic is YOU NEVER TAKE THE BREAK UP ARTIST BACK.
Dating other people right away is a reminder that your ex partner is just one of many people you can potentially connect with. It is not about how attracted you are to your new date it is about getting back into the habit of realizing your ex is not the only person out there.
So the next time you are thinking about temporarily breaking up with your partner as a tactic to "keep'em on their toes", you may want to re-think that strategy. All you are doing is giving someone that has been waiting for you to step out of the picture long enough, to make a move and make your ex, his or her new partner...And rightfully so. Breaking up with someone is not "a tactic". It is a choice you make, and be sure that you can live with the consequences of saying goodbye.
In my personal philosophy, everyone has the right to seek out a soul mate without interference. When you break up with someone, your ex has that right to seek out someone new that could be his or her next soul mate. Getting in their way is simply unethical.
One very key understanding to dating after a break up, is that you are ONLY suppose to -date- and not get into serious relationships right away. It is normal to be a little emotionally vulnerable after a nasty break up, and seeking comfort in someone new is very OK. As long as you understand, and the person you are dating is also made to understand, that due to your recent break up, getting into a serious commitment is not permissible at this time. Date each new person no more than once a week, and date as many people as you can.
One last dating tip: In the event that the person who left you does come back begging to reconcile, and in the event you want to give that person a chance, the only way to make it work for the long term is that you only date your ex again once a week to start off, and have your ex earn your trust, commitment and TIME all over again. They have to start at the bottom all over again just like any one new you are dating. If you simply pick up where you left off, all you are encouraging is for your re-partner to break up with you again and again when the fancy strikes. That is not love. That is just loopy.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Stop talking about your ex
Stop Talking So Much About Your Ex
By Frank Kermit
So you are on a date with someone new. You are excited. You are nervous. You hope that this is finally going to be the one. You meet. So far, you both like what you see. This is going good. You start talking about personal interests. Then your date does it. Your date starts to talk about an ex...and it is not just a passing mention that is brief in nature.
Your date keeps talking about the ex, to the point where you decide that your date is likely still way too hooked on the ex to be emotionally available to be in a relationship with you. The date ends. You are disappointed because the search goes on to find a more suitable partner. Your date, that in fact, may be fully interested in seeing you again, is disappointed that you did not make any connection, and chances are, your date has no idea what he or she did to turn you off.
Talking constantly about an ex while on a date is a red flag. It is a turn off, because talking constantly about an ex is like resurrecting a ghost. When it comes to romantic endeavors, flesh and blood imperfect human beings simply cannot compete with the fantastical fantasy phantoms of someone's idealize past lover.
Those people who would be higher quality potential partners, likely have learned not to bother even trying to fight the ghosts and just walk away. When you are on a date, talk about the things you love and the values you embody, and leave your ex in the past.
Now, if the only meaningful life experiences you have to share are only associated with a particular ex, then take it as a sign that you need to stop waiting to have someone to try new things with, and head out on your own.
For example, if you love dancing but the only dancing stories you have are directly related to an ex, then consider going out dancing with friends, or even taking dance lessons by yourself so that you can meet new people. In this way, you explore your love of dancing, and can share stories about your love of dancing that will be separate from stories of your ex.
If you are still hooked on your ex, to the point where you will not give someone new a legitimate chance at your heart, at the very least be honest about it with the new person you are dating. When on a date, let the person know that you are recovering from a severely broken heart, BUT that should be the extent of any talk about the ex. This gives the other person the ability to make an informed choice for him or her self as to whether or not they want to continue trying with you.
Some people will be OK with it, and are just glad to have someone to spend time with and have some fun. Some people are looking for emotionally available people for a serious relationship and those people will bolt away fast. Some people are in exactly the same predicament as you and are thrilled that they are not alone in their misery, happy to have the company.
A date is NOT a time to be going into a therapeutic discussion. When you are on a date, focus on the person you are with and get to know that person and what role that person can play in your life (friend, lover, serious long term partner).
While you make getting to know the person a fun process, leave the discussions about your unresolved issues with the ex for when you come into the coach's office.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Symbol of Your Ex
When Your Ex Becomes a Symbol in Your Life
By Frank Kermit
We are surrounded by the power of symbols. A symbol is more than just a design we recognize; symbols are a means of making meaning. Whatever the symbol, or character-symbol, the purpose is to convey a meaning to an audience. Symbols have a way of reaching people. Whether it is the symbol of a dollar sign ($), horoscope Gemini sign, or colored ribbon remembrance, all symbols have the intent to carry on a meaning for the audience and if properly effective, a symbol leaves an emotional impact.
The ribbon is not just a piece of material but a testament to those that may have died from, or survived, breast cancer. The Gemini sign is not some doodle on a paper, but a means to connect to energies unknown that can influence our life's journey. The dollar sign is not merely to describe the concept of money and value, but may also represent a symbol of hardship, connecting to a memory of when someone did not have enough money to afford the basics; just as that same symbol of the dollar sign may represent a reminder of the power of what you can earn to someone else.
We do not just look at the Golden Arches. We making meaning of them and interpret deserving a break today, childhood, and singing about "two all-beef patties, special sauce, etc..." However the most powerful symbols are the ones that have some element of sentience to them...character symbols we recognize as people. From as far back as breakfast cereal commercials, we formed relationships with character symbols such as "Tony the Tiger", "Toucan Sam" and "Snap", "Crackle", "Pop". Where the Golden Arches reach their limits, "Ronald" can pick up the burger and carry it over the goal line to make the touchdown scoring an emotional impact.
But what if the clown that has become a symbol in your life happens to be a relationship ex who has come to represent everything that is wrong with you?
Have you ever struggled to get over an ex, even when you are the one that ended the relationship? Have you ever struggled to move on with your life, even though you know intellectually that your ex was completely wrong for you? Do you remember your ex and your relationship with your ex, as being so much better than it was, and can only be reminded of that fully when either an outside person points it out, or (gasp!) you rekindle with your ex and realize what a mistake you just made? Chances are that your ex has become a symbol for you.
Turning an ex into a symbol is not that difficult a process. If you spend way too much time fantasizing about your ex, or more specifically, fantasizing about how great your life would have been with your ex, you are effectively turning your ex into a symbol. Your ex, the real one, is human. Your real ex is a human with all the positive and negative traits that make a person human. Your real ex is a human that is as flawed as dinged as the rest of us. However, the symbol of your ex is perfect. The symbol of your ex is superbly attractive, says all the right things, responds to your every communication exactly the way you need it. In this way, the symbol of your ex could represent how wonderfully perfect you wish your life could be and no amount of reality, including a new relationship partner, or even your real ex, could ever live up to that.
If you feel any shame or guilt about the nature of your break up, the symbol of your ex could be something that continues to make you feel bad about yourself because the symbol of your ex could be a reminder of all the mistakes you think you made that caused you to feel the pain you are in during your heartbreak. At this point, the idea of reconciliation with your ex could be interpreted as the only way to correct the errors of your past and prove that you are forgivable. This of course does not pan out in the real world. If ever you do manage to get your ex back, even if you have healed that part of you that was in part responsible for the break up, your ex is still your ex. If you and your ex have both healed your broken parts, then you are essentially new people that may not be compatible. If only one of you has healed the broken parts, then the repeating behavior patterns of the other are still in effect and will take their toll on the relationship. No matter what anyone in the couple says...there are always two sides to every break up that each partner must accept responsibility for.
When trying to get over an ex, an important step of the process is to acknowledge the differences between your ex as the imperfect human being (the real ex) verses the symbol of your ex who you likely and unfairly compare to every new potential love that comes into your life. You do have a choice. Accept the reality and move on, or stay stuck on the fantasy of the ex...who never actually existed.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Speed Dating
Speed Dating: Review of a Host
By Frank Kermit
Speed dating is a great way to meet a larger group of new people in the shortest amount of time, however many people get so nervous about having to actually talk to new folks, that a number of attendees tend to cancel attending at the last minute. Over 30 people had RSVP for a Montreal Speed Dating event held in NDG last week, but only 16 actually attended (10 women and 6 men). It was an all adults ages event open to all denominations and backgrounds, which is a little more rare as most speed dating events try to group participants through common themes (race, religion, age bracket, financial cluster).
However, the biggest obstacle to people making connections and finding matches had nothing to do with who else showed up. Most people struggle at speed dating because of their refusal to be more open minded about whom they would have a first coffee date with.
The way Speed Dating works is that each man-and-woman-pairing gets about 10 minutes to have a quick conversational date. At the end of that time slot, each person marks a sheet indicating, "Yes" or "No". They mark "Yes" if they felt there was enough of a match to be assigned to go on one date in the future. They mark "No" is they do not want to date in the future. If each person both writes "Yes", it is a match and the couple gets each other's contact information to go on a date. If both say "No", there is no match up for a date. If one person says, "Yes" and one person says "No", it is considered a Missed Match. Depending on the organizers, some speed daters are notified of the missed matches to get a second chance to change their mind about actually going out on a date with that person after all.
The individuals who struggle most are the ones that are way too picky. Results are usually consistent in that those that are the pickiest, end up with high numbers of missed matches. It is unlikely that when the picky person realizes they may have made a mistake, that the originally rejected person will give them a fair chance to date in the future, but it can happen.
Speed dating results do not lie. They give you a clear indication of what kind of value you project as a potential partner in a short conversation. Although personally, I met one of the best girlfriends I ever had in my life through speed dating, I also find the speed dating is a great tool to help you assess how you come across as well as a great indicator of your personal date-ability. It can let you know just how desirable you really are, versus how desirable you like to think you are.
Speed dating is also a great way to challenge your self and get back into the dating world after a long absence. "I am just here to practice conversation but not going to pick any matches" said one man that ended up choosing 3 women, and ended up with 1 match and 5 missed matches. "I am very picky about who I would date because I have a lot to offer" says the man that chose only 1 woman, but ended up with no matches and no missed matches either. "I don't need any date coaching," says the woman that chose 6 men, but only got one match and a missed match. At least some of them tried, which is still a little bit better than the ones who came right up to the door and chickened out at the last minute, or purposefully skipped over some of the dates because, "people that pretty would never date someone like me". What is worse is when two people do in fact get matched up, and then one of them refuses to go on the date for fear of being rejected by the very person that admitted wanting to date him or her. Argh!
The real winner of the night was the lovely lady who came in with an open mind and open heart. She said yes to over half of the men and ended up with 3 solid matches. This means that over the next two weeks she is going to have 3 first dates, and has her choice of who she gets to pursue a more committed relationship with, if she wants it. Now that is a successful dating attitude, whether or not any of these first dates makes it to a second date.
-Frank Kermit
- Published on
Get Out of the FriendZone
From Friends To Lovers:
Stop Being Someone’s Emotional Cookie
By Frank Kermit
You have been friends for a long time. You share secrets, you are there for each other and when the phone rings at 3 am, you are ready to pick it up and just listen while your best friend tells you about the problems he or she is having with the person they are dating. That friend of yours would do it for you as well, so what’s the problem? Oh right. You are in love with your best friend, and would rather your best friend be dating you, but they just don’t notice you in that way.
The entire concept of from friends to lovers plays out a lot in popular media. The idea that your “friend” at some point is just going to wake up one day and realize that you have been there all along is great for selling stories, but it does not work that way in real life.
A number of people that seek out relationship coaches usually already have someone in mind they would like to be with, and it usually is their best friend.
Is it possible to turn a friend into a lover, however that usually requires your friend to go through something major, maybe even traumatic, in order to be able to appreciate you. If your friend is not returning your attraction, or at least your romantic affections, it is likely you are simply not addressing your friend’s particular emotional needs that would cause that person to fall in love with you. Sometimes it takes a real crisis before a person’s emotional needs priorities change. Jane may have to reach a point where her abusive boyfriend almost kills her, before she can be in a position to find her non-violent but non-muscular friend John a sexy suitor. Bill may have to be pummeled through an emotionally and financially draining divorce before he can appreciate his slightly plain-looking friend Betty as the best girlfriend he could possibly have.
Notwithstanding the crisis your friend has to go through in order to see you with eyes of love (or lust, whichever you prefer), the easier way to attract your friend is actually by stopping to be such good friends.
If you friend has ever made it a point to say that they would never date you because they would not want to ruin your friendship…leave and stop being such a good friend. When someone that knows you intimately, but platonically, rejects you, it is probably the nicest insult you will ever get, even though most people do not view that kind of rejection as an insult. It is one thing when someone that you do not know at all rejects you and refuses to date you or take your phone number. No insult there because they do not know you, but when it is someone that knows exactly what a great relationship partner you could be (or at least how great YOU think you are), and they STILL reject you…take it for what it is. It is an insult that should make you want to focus your time on someone that actually wants you romantically.
If you want your old friend to be your newest lover, you have to stop being the emotional cookie comfort. Think of it like how some people need to be comforted, and when they feel that way, they turn to eating cookies. It is not healthy for them, but it makes them feel better in the moment; and then when they are ready to face the world and are no longer in need of that comfort, they don’t particularly appreciate the cookie anymore. Sometimes they even make disparaging remarks about the cookies that were there for them, and how those cookies were good, but not what they REALLY needed.
When you are in love with your best friend, and your best friend uses you for comfort, but does not think you are worthy of being romantically involved with you…YOU ARE BEING AN EMOTIONAL COOKIE.
The BEST way to get a friend to see you as something more than just an emotional cookie is to stop being so available to your friend, and spend your time actively looking to meet someone new for your romantic intentions. This means no more spending your Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoons (optimal date times) with your friend. No more taking those 3 am phone calls. And most important…START DATING OTHER PEOPLE.
Pledging your time to someone that does not return your affects does not prove your level of loyalty. All it proves is that you have no sense of your own value as a relationship partner. If you cannot demonstrate through your actions that you recognize your value, your friend certainly never will. Keep in mind that continuing to hold out for a friend like that can damage you emotionally, and train you to build attachments to people that treat you as if you are unwanted. People are their repeating behavior patterns.
There is a pretty good chance that once you are too busy with your new partner(s) that your friend might start to wonder if they missed out on something. After all, if someone else desires you, maybe your friend desire should too. And the next time you friend calls you at 3 am, and you do not answer, your friend can wonder if someone else was occupying your time at that particular hour. Hopefully, someone is.
Part of the problem is that your friend does not recognize you as a sexual being and potential sexual partner. The best way to prove you are, is to demonstrate that others recognize it in you…action speaks louder than words, and that is why it does not work to “argue” your friend into dating you, or to settle for you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not someone’s back up.
The best part is, once you get used to having a new partner that appreciates you romantically, it is likely that you might stop seeing that best friend of yours as anything more than a past waste of your attention.
I wish you all great love, sex, dating and relationships for the new year! Make it the year of your heart!
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Too Picky for Dating
Sad Mistakes Singles Make # 1:
Being too Picky in Dating
By Frank Kermit
Being Too Picky Gets Too Sticky
It saddens me greatly when singles self sabotage by being too picky and let their own shallowness and insecurities get in the way. I find this happens even when someone else makes it clear that there is a mutual interest. There are single people, who will resist taking action even when presented with their chance to actually have a date with someone who is interested in him or her, as much as he or she is interested back.
Recent examples of this are the results from the very first Speed Dating Montreal event I hosted. Everyone comes in with an open mind...at least those who make it past the door. I was greeted by the number of people who came right up to the door, only to get cold feet and panic, and rush out again, after nothing more than a quick glimpse of the amount of other attendees.
There were those that went through the registration process and left before the event actually began including excuses such as "not enough people", and "not enough in my age range". One person who left early sat in his car just outside the event telling late comers he was leaving as there were not enough people in there, perhaps attempting to discourage more adventurous singles from doing what he was too nervous to do? Not sure.
However, the wonderful irony of this situation? Within 12 minutes of all those people leaving including the car-town crier who finally sped off, about 10 more people came in and helped to balance out the numbers of attendees. And once the event was over, I noted a couple of people saying they would have liked to choose a particular person for a match up, but were reluctant to do so, for a reason they could not articulate.
Finally, when the matches were made, and I contacted the participants, there were at least two that hemmed-and-hawed saying they could not actually go on a date with that person (despite the fact they both agreed to be matched up the night before and even wrote down their interest to confirm it) because they just worried that it would not work out anyways.
People get in their own way for one reason. People have a fear of intimacy.
When someone is so extremely picky that they get into very solitary situations there is a deeper issue at work.
A fear of intimacy is a very sticky substance to douse ones-self in. Once you start along this slippery slope of fear-glue it just gets harder and harder to crack the outer shell that crusts over you, like a cocoon of solitude, that forbids any meaningful connections to penetrate in.
There is no honor is being too picky when you are single and lonely. There is no sense in rejecting people interested in dating you because you simply "are not into them". If every person that you are so "into", is not "into" you, that is not you having high standards. That is you finally having an acceptable excuse not to put yourself out on the dating market. It is easier to blame everyone else for not being good enough, when you know the truth is that you just want to reject him or her, before they reject you first.
No one likes being rejected. No one likes being hurt. However, the joys associated with being connected with others comes with risks, and if you are not open to the hurt that comes with taking risks, you will also never get to immerse yourself in the passion of a fruitful loving relationship.
So before you disqualify someone for being too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too tall, too short, too poor, (funny that no one has ever told me that they are rejecting someone for being too rich) or for any other reason that you can think up on the spot, consider this reality check: If you were already a super-duper prize, then you would not single and lonely. Sorry for the harsh truth, but reality will always slap you when you delude yourself long enough. Better you hear it from me than have life slap you first.
Then there are those people that do reverse-pickiness. They self-reject so that they do not have to even try to date people. This is where a person will tarnish their own value and claim that no one would want to date them (even if someone has made the opposite intention clear). Instead of saying that the person he likes is too short, he claims she's too tall. Instead of saying that the person she likes is too young, she claims she is too old.
We all have standards. That is OK. But when your standards strand you alone, then your standards, are not standards...they are your enabling beliefs that keep you alone.
There is a difference between being single and being alone. Being single is a relationship status, whereas being alone is usually rooted in fear. Which do you want to be? It is up to you to set the example in your life. If you have something you believe works against you in relationships that you cannot nor will not change, then be the educator about how someone needs to feel comfortable with someone like you.
The best way to have others accept you, for both your good points and your faults, is to lead by example and accept yourself.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
What They Do Not Tell You About Having Kids
By Frank Kermit
I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other.
What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question.
I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent.
Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep.
Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe.
Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival.
Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours.
Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult.
Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting.
Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is.
Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end.
Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo.
Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble.
At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get.
Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now.
Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up.
Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning.
Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do.
All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage.
Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them.
Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all.
Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead.
Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids.
If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about.
Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive.
Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
I always try to be very practical and realistic in my articles. This can come across very negative, given that my topic is Relationships (and all things relative) and most associations made with love, sex, dating and relationships are generally positive ones. So writers such as I often get scorned for presenting a realistic side of what relationships have to offer. I don't wish for people to walk away from my works with a negative view of love, life, relationships and each other.
What I do want to impart is that the reality of relationships, if you are aware and prepared for it, can work in your favor to have a great one. If you are not prepared for the reality of relationships, it is the lack of awareness and preparation that will taint your experience, and not the relationship in question.
I am a father. I love my son. The best way I can describe what it feels like to be a father is to tell people that I have acquired a happiness and fulfillment that I never knew I was missing. With that said, there were a number of realities related to having kids, that I was not neither aware of nor prepared for. What I am about to share with you is by no means a complete list. Think of it as an introduction to the things most people will not tell you about becoming a parent.
Having a kid means that you will never again take sleep for granted. There simply is too much to do, within too little a time frame, and you don't get any days off. You learn just how much people with children are actually running on very little sleep.
Having a kid means you learn to eat garbage and learn to love the taste. Here, I refer to metaphorical garbage, such as biting your tongue when you want to tell off your idiot boss, because even though you would be ready to handle the consequences of getting fired from your job, there is a little person who is depending on you to keep a stable income and whatever company benefits you rely on, to keep that little person healthy, taken care of and safe.
Having a kid means that you learn very quickly that all of your hopes. dreams and plans need to take a back seat to the absolute needs of your child. Those ideal vacation spots, alternative career pursuits, and even artistic endeavors will simply have to wait until you work your way into a more stable and affordable situation, which depending on other life circumstances (poor health, employment issues, and family crisis) could make it impossible to ever pursue. Your dreams of writing that book, being known for your art, or pursuing a lofty education really don't measure up against having to care for an infant and tending to you kids basic needs for survival.
Having a kid means that you learn very fast that no one gives a damn about you or your kid as much as you thought they did. You and your kids are no one else's first priorities, and people will take care of their own problems before they will ever worry about you and yours.
Having a kid means whatever issues you did not resolve from your own childhood could come swarming up when you become the parent. Some people end up reliving their own horrible childhoods as they watch their own children grow up. Raising a kid is hard enough. Battling your own personal demons just makes it that much more difficult.
Having a kid means that if you choose the wrong relationship partner, you find out in the worst possible ways. As a relationship coach, I often find my clients very surprised when they go on and on about having thought about finding their soul mate, and I ask them if they talked to their soul mate about common values they would utilize in parenting.
Would you be surprised to hear that the majority of people never (and I mean NEVER) considered qualities of being a good parent as a means of identifying a soul mate? If it turns out that your soul mate would be a lousy parent, you may just want to re-consider just what the heck your criteria for spotting a soul mate is.
Having a kid means that your relationship will experience extra pressures. Even the best partnerships will feel the strain of parenthood, and will have to separate actually being upset with your partner, versus just lashing out at your partner because you are both at your wits end.
Having a kid means that you simply will not meet those deadlines for work because your kid needed you to rush out to a hospital for an ear infection, or dehydration from prolonged gastro, or an injury that took place at daycare. The less support system of have of extended family and friends, the more you will have to run around on empty just to keep a minimal status quo.
Having a kid means you have come to realize the most important job a human being could ever have is to be a good parent. It is a hard and nearly thankless job for the most part. It is at that point when you come to terms with that all you can do is the best you can, with what you have, and you just hope that will be enough. If it is not enough, then you and your kid are both in trouble.
At the same time, this might be a key factor in you having compassion for your own parent's shortcomings. Even your parents did the best they could with what they had, and when their best was not good enough, it was all you could get.
Having a kid means, that if your life did not have any meaning before, it does now.
Having a kid means, that you have a new appreciation and understanding for issues that affect the masses, because they affect the world in which your kid is growing up.
Issues like censorship, laws regarding keeping people safe, bullying, tuition fees, even changes in government policy that could potentially affect your kids 10 or 15 years in the future matter to you more than they ever could have before. Having walls built around home swinging pools seems like an example of over regulation, until it is your kid that could be in danger of drowning.
Having a kid means you realize just how much people who do not have kids, really do not understand what it means to raise a child of your own; and as a parent you cannot take for granted that anyone would care enough or have compassion for your kid the way you do.
All those, "If I ever had a kid, I would never..." yappers find themselves touting a different tune when they are the exhausted parent just trying to survive another day during a kid's defiant stage.
Having a kid means you learn just how incredibly helpless a parent can feel when your baby is suffering, and there is nothing you can do about it, wishing you could simply take their place and suffer for them.
Having a kid means you swap an-exciting-romantic-power-sex evening for an evening of microwave-popcorn-cartoon-movies-and-a-smiling-calmer-kid as a definition of a-good-time-had-by-all.
Having a kid means you will be pushed to the very limits of your energy, your patience, your ability, and then...you continue going. You have someone depending on you and thus you simply have too. Parents do not need to watch The Walking Dead. During cold season, parents sometimes ARE the walking dead.
Having a kid means that you become acutely aware of your mortality and thus start getting focused on having a legal will in place, or inheritance in place, in case you die, so that a contingency plan is set to care for your kid after you are gone. You may swap your dreams of fame and fortune in exchange to just wanting to own your own house and some land to grow your own food, just in case you don't last long enough to meet your own grand-kids.
If you and your partner are thinking about having a kid, and if it is your first, make sure you are ready for the sacrifices and life changes it will bring about.
Adhere to the reality of having a kid. Otherwise that lack of awareness and preparation will be the exact reason your relationship may not survive.
Frank Kermit
