- Published on
How To Date Non-Exclusive
Non-Exclusive Dating
By Frank Kermit
A client of mine recently asked me, “How do you tell someone you are dating, that you are also seeing other people while dating him or her?” The answer is, honestly and directly.
There is nothing to hide in the fact that while you are dating and getting to know someone, you are also dating and getting to know others as well. Until you make a public commitment to only date just one person, the expectation that you and the other person are exclusive is unreasonable. Just because you meet for coffee, or have a dinner date, or have a romantic encounter one evening does not automatically mean that a commitment exists between the two of you that forbids either of you from dating another.
One area of confusion for many couples is that each individual comes into dating with certain expectations of what different events mean. When two people’s meanings of interactions conflict, dating gets a lot more complex than it ever has to be.
What about sex? Shouldn’t having sex with someone automatically indicate that, at the very least, there is more going on between the two people than just the sex itself? In theory, it would make sense. However, the experience of clients that are shared with me during my practice, suggests that sometimes sex, just means sex, and nothing more.
If you want the person you are starting to date to stop dating others, or date others without going all the way to sex, it is up to you to communicate your request, instead of hoping that someone is going to either read your mind, or just assume the other person thinks the same “common sense” that you do. If the person you are dating agrees, then it is settled.
However, if you or the other person disagrees about being exclusive while dating, it is a great opportunity to talk about why.
For some people, dating exclusively is simply not an option. Perhaps they do not believe in monogamy, or they do not believe in monogamy when just dating. For others, it can be a matter of how much time has been spent dating the same person before becoming exclusive.
Whether it is 3 dates, 3 weeks or 3 months, it is important to ascertain a deadline to either expect exclusivity or potentially end dating that person. And still, there are others that do not base their desire to be exclusive on how long they have been dating a person, but rather whether or not they see a serious potential future with that person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity, and there is also nothing wrong with wanting to date non-exclusively. It is only an issue of ethics if someone is either lying about their exclusive intents, or trying to force someone to their way of doing things.
The best everyone can do is to decide for him-or-herself what makes sense in dating, and invite others to date them under those rules. The people you date will either accept it and date you, or not accept it and leave.
Now then, if someone does NOT accept your guidelines about exclusivity and STILL decides to date you anyway, then the issue has nothing to do with valuing or not valuing exclusivity. That has to do with a deeper issue that we can explore in a future session.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating: It's All Or Nothing
All Or Nothing Dating
By Frank Kermit
There is little point in constantly continuing to pursue someone that has rejected you repeatedly in the past.
When you ask someone out, and that person says no, but would rather remain friends, think very carefully before agreeing to it. There is a difference between dating as friends as a means to get to know one another enough to see if there is a potential for a relationship, and being just friends and hanging out as friends with no intention of moving it to the next level.
When the person you ask out is someone new in your life that does not know you well enough; there is no shame in a rejection. That rejection may have nothing to do with you per se as that other person may have things going on that make starting a new relationship very challenging (such as still on again off again dating of an ex). However, when that person that rejected you happens to be someone that has been friends with you for quite some time, it is an insult.
Yes, an insult. It is not that you got rejected from immediately going on a romantic date. What makes it an insult is that the friend in question is not even open to trying to build a romantic relationship with you. It is one thing if your friend claims he or she never thought of you in that way, but is open to going out a couple of times to give the two of you a chance. It is quite another when that “friend” makes it clear that your friendship wasn’t valuable enough to give it a chance for romance.
Most people feel that valuing a friendship means you never take it into a romantic realm. I disagree. There is no value in maintaining friendships with people who are romantically interested in you. At best the person with feelings will end up feeling used and resentful over time, and at worst, the person will continue to forge a friendship in the HOPES that the nature of the non-romantic connection will change over time. Both situations can be emotionally damaging for the person who continues to long for something more, and to have those affections unreturned.
The BEST thing that can happen is that the friend agrees to give the two of you a fair chance at romance. One of two things will happen. You either will end up in a relationship, or you will not. Is it possible that a break up down the road (whether after a longer relationship, or just a couple of dates) could end the friendship? Of course! That is one of the risks of dating; getting to know someone enough and having experiences with them that you end up not liking the person at all.
However, the real secret is that the friendship in question is already dead. The moment that one of you proclaims affection and a desire to move things forward, for all intent purposes, the friendship is over and the only way to show respect for, and salvage the friendship, is to give it a real chance at becoming something more than just a friendship.
A friendship that does not merit even taking a chance at turning to love was never a real friendship. The sooner people realize it, the sooner they can build long term relationships that actually have the base to withstand what causes many couples in love to succumb to divorce.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
What To Do When You Like Someone
What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit
It happened. Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened. When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone. You actually found someone that you like. Now what?
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do? Do you tell that person directly and see what happens? Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process? Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest? What if you do not know what signs to look for? What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect. There are a number of factors to consider such as do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it), or perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends).
First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences. If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach. The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be. If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures. Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided. In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Involving your friends has its pros and cons. Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in. In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity. A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages. You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand. Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is to take some kind of action listed above. People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Everybody Gets One Date
Everybody Gets One Date
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
Where To Go on First Dates
Get Over 100+ Ideas for Places To Go for a First Date!
Stop wasting time being overwhelmed looking for ideas where to go.
This program gives you the answers about where to go for dates, and tells you why they are great locations!
- Published on
5 Tips for First Dates
5 Tips For A First Date
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
Rules for First Date
Stop messing up
your first dates!
Focus on on these easy and simple rules to turn first dates into fun and pleasurable experiences!
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where you can go on a date
Focus On The Person,
Not The Location, Of Your Date
By Frank Kermit
I have been on Montreal CJAD AM radio as a regular contributor for years now on the Passion radio show with Dr Laurie Betito. In that time I have made a number of statements about my own stance and opinions on dating and relationships based both on my practice and my personal experiences. Some of my comments earn praise, and some others get the introspective discussion, and some get trashed.
There is one bit of advice that I have given out over the years, that seems to have garnered a tremendous amount of backlash, and to be Frank (pun intended), I am actually shocked that of all the advice I dole out, that it is this one nugget that repeatedly gets brought up again and again.
The fact that I think that first dates ideally should be inexpensive and people should pay for their own share, has earned me the wrath of audiences, more than any other topic I have ever talked about, including managing friends-with-benefits, open relationship dating, multi-partner sex, sharing sexual pasts, and sexual fetish lifestyles combined.
I believe that it all started with questions about first dates, what constituted a date, where is an appropriate location for a date, cost of a date and so on. I said something to the effect that any location is fine for a first date and giving a fast food restaurant (McDonalds) as an example. You’d have thought I was endorsing a threat to national government security with the rage it enticed. One woman actually wrote to me privately claiming that, “No one falls in love at McDonalds you Dufus!” (One of the nicer messages I assure you)
When you go out on a date, what is your goal? Are you looking for someone to pay your way to high priced dinners at fancy restaurants, or are you looking to go on a date to find a compatible partner to fulfill some role you desire? If your goal is to just get more “stuff” (meals, gifts, attention) the only people you will attract are the kinds of people that only have “stuff” to give, and will have their own expectations of what should be “owed” to them (The good news is that people who use people regularly end up with people who use people). If your goal is to find a partner to share some aspect of your life, then if you know how to manage dating (which most people do not) the location of the date becomes almost irrelevant. So yes Virginia, you can fall in love anywhere.
So who should pay for a first date? Yes, there is an etiquette that suggests that the person who is doing the inviting should cover the cost of a date. I have found that a high number of women tend to strongly endorse this etiquette. Understandable given the fact that even in a modern society of equality between genders, men are still the primary gender that is expected to ask out women on a date.
Men seem to fall into two distinct categories. There are men who truly respect women as equals and thus expect women to be capable of paying their own share until such a time as the couple moves from casual dating to something more serious (at which point joint expenses have their own rules). Then there are men who believe a man should pay for a first date because either they view themselves as being a gentleman in paying, or more insidious, they still view women as needing to be handled much like children, who could not possibly take care of themselves. Though, most men would not openly admit it because they are not Frank enough (again, pun intended), there are few other areas of life where someone wanting what could be interpreted as special treatment is ever looked upon with the respect of an equal.
If you are heading out on a date, and are more concerned with judging the location of the date, instead of focusing on the person you are dating, your focus is on the wrong element. The WORST thing that could happen to you is that you end up in a serious relationship with someone that used the razzle-dazzle of showcasing during those first few dates just to get you committed, and who turns out is too incompatible for you seven months later. Was the razzle-dazzle worth the lost time of months (could be years) with the wrong person? That is up to you.
One thing I can tell you for an absolute certainty. It certainly was the worst thing that has happened to some older clients of mine that come into my office, because they are shocked by being single (and usually child-free) at an age where they thought they would have already had their own families, and ask me for help to answer their overwhelming question of “Frank, What Happened?”
Frank Kermit
- Published on
The Reality vs Fantasy of Online Dating
Online Dating:
The Digital Fantasy meets Flesh and Reality
By Frank Kermit
Online dating is no longer the scary thing it used to be. The stigma has passed. The stereotypical image of the teenager forever hogging the one phone line in the house has been replaced by the young adult that is too busy texting multiple friends to notice where they are going as they walk into ongoing traffic. In fact, younger generations are starting to feel more at ease with relating to each other through technology than they do in a person-to-person encounter.
What will this hold for our future family builders? Time will tell. In the meantime, new technologies will also end up being just one more medium where boys and girls find themselves connecting.
OK, this is the scenario: You meet a great person months ago through a friend on Facebook. You don't do this type of thing EVER, but this person seems very intelligent and there is something interesting about them. You live in separate cities, but that does not stop you. You start exchanging some private messages that turn into long texts and then phone conversations. You are getting along very well. Things are going great and you find yourself in a long distance relationship with someone that you have not actually met in person. Soon, you start swapping sexy photos with promises of more sizzling excitement yet to come. Finally, one day, you decide that you are going to visit that special someone in your life for the first time. You meet, you have a great time, and you even have sex. Wow! Could life get any better? You agree to continue the romance after you return home. You start to think to yourself that you have finally found someone, and that maybe it's time for one of you to live with the other.
All of a sudden the phone calls become less frequent. The texts become less personal, and you haven't spotted a sexy pic of your true love in your email thread since you can't remember when. You ask if everything is OK? Your partner tells you everything is fine, but you know it's not like it was before. Finally it becomes clear that the only time you communicate is when you initiate it, otherwise it could be days if not weeks before you get a hello (or a poke or a wink depending on what social networking site you use.) You can feel it slipping away, so you decide to make one last ditch attempt and tell your future "spouse" how you are feeling and how important that person is to you. In response, your future spouse tells you that time is needed to think about the relationship and where it is going. Just a few months ago, that person couldn't get enough of you, but now? You fear the worst and wonder if there is someone else. Did you do something wrong? What could have possibly happened when things were going so great? Is it you or is it the other person?
Online dating does have some major flaws that come with the medium. Aside from the potential dangers that generally exist when you meet anyone new that moves from the stranger to the lover position, online relationships struggle mostly because they are not real relationships. So much of what makes an online relationship work, especially if you factor in long distance and very little actual time together, is that most of where that relationship exists in your head. It is not based on reality, but often on what you want the other person to be.
When reality collides with fantasy reality will always win. People who thrive in online relationships might be doing so as a means to avoid any actual intimacy. Easier to deal with people that you don't actually have to be with. When the reality of how a person really is around you does not, and simply can't, live up to the fantasy you have built in your mind as to who the other person is; it is just a matter of time before you have to acknowledge your feelings. The cold slap of reality is that the person you had feelings for might never have actually existed in real life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Single Parents
Single Parent Dating:
More Than Just A Single Issue
By Frank Kermit
At least 40% of marriages end in divorce. Depending on the study you read, the percentage can be higher. Even though the break down of families continues, the drive that makes people want to connect with one another does not break down. But what happens when a newly single person, ready to re-enter the dating scene...has kids? Single parents have it tough. Not only do single parents have to be careful that the person they are dating isn't actually a child predator looking to capitalize on a vulnerable and lonely parent, but they also must accept that many good potential partners may simply refuse to date single parents. In fact, there are single parents who refuse to date other single parents to avoid blended family issues, even though another single parent might best understand how he or she feels.
The biggest mistake single parents make is trying to hide the fact they have kids when getting to know someone new; Figuring it is best to have the potential partner develop feelings first and get hooked before they share this "tiny detail". In case you are wondering...it doesn't work in the long term. Can't build a future starting with an omission of truth. One of the challenges single parents face in the dating scene is an irregular schedule. A good parent, who rightfully puts children ahead of dating, makes for an unstable dating schedule.
If you are looking for something more than casual encounters, it is much more difficult to build as a single parent. If you really want to touch the heart of a single parent you are dating...chip in for the cost of babysitting, so you can see the parent more often.
When things get more serious, some people who do date single parents are not always ready for the responsibilities that come with "instant-family" which is why the pool of who will seek out a serious relationship with a single parent is smaller than for people without children. In fact, depending on where you live and the law of that territory, if the wealthier person of the couple had promised to care for the children of the single parent, that potential partner could end up paying child support after the relationship ends, for kids that aren't even biologically theirs.
If you are dating a single parent, then something you should know is not to push meeting your date's children. If you meet them through happenstance, present yourself as a "friend" of the parent, and do nothing in front of the children to suggest otherwise. Children that get too close to "the date" may end up with their own intimacy and attachment issues as they experience a parent going through a string of temp-parents coming in and out of their lives. Children lack the life experience or emotional maturity that comes with adulthood and how to interpret romantic relationships and realistic expectations. (For that matter, many adults have the same issues) Each time a child gets close to a new partner only to have the parent and new partner break up, it can be as gut wrenching for the child as it is for the parent...possibly more so. This is still only taking into account that the kids even want to get to know the new partner. In fact many children may instinctually hate the new date because some children fear abandonment from the other parent if they were too be accepting of the new partner.
Even in cases where the parents split up due to extreme domestic issues, most children still have a hope that mom and dad will work it out somehow, and the new date is a barrier to that hope.
If there was one bit of advice that every single parent must keep in mind it is this: factor in the physical, mental and emotional well being of your child into your dating life. This covers everything from choosing whom to spend time with, all the way to introducing your new love to your children when the relationship is serious enough, to creating a blended family with your new partner. The single parent has to decide what is more important: the potential exciting next partner or the potential excellent stepparent.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Mistakes Singles Make #7
Mistakes That Singles Make # 7
That Keeps Them Trapped in “Singledom”
By Frank Kermit
There is nothing wrong with being single if you’re happily single. However, being single when you would give up everything going on in your life, just to have someone to share that life with, can be one of the worst feelings of isolation known to the heart.
I have met many singles trapped on the island of Singledom that were looking for a ticket out. A few of them really were the stereotypical socially-challenged types that the mass population would expect to remain single. However, those stereotypes are in the tiny minority. The vast majority of singles, who hate being single, are basically good people, decent looking, some of them down right hot and attractive, have good employment and access to resources, can talk intelligently and are considered great friends by the people who like them.
So what is going on here?
I have often found that single people who are stuck being single make many of the same mistakes that keep them single. Most of the citizens of Singledom are not even aware of the mistakes they are making which are part of why they remain single. One of the painful experiences of learning where they made mistakes was coming to the realization of just how many opportunities they originally had to date people they were interested in, but either were unable to read the signs, or communicated in a way to turn the other person off.
So, to help the citizens of Singledom gain better access to emigrate off that isolated island and get back into the rocky waters of the main stream love valleys, I am going to write a series of articles, just for them, that will appear randomly in this column.
Mistakes Singles Make # 7: Hanging Out with Attached Friends
There is an old saying that was taught to me while growing up; that the single person who is going to spend time with an already established couple is there to “hold the candle”. Meaning, that the single person has resided him or her self to being the servant of the existing couple, because the single person is not adamantly seeking to find their own partner.
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way from finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with those same friends.
True friends want to see you happy. If you have been single a long time, it is normal for the people around you to worry about you being alone, especially if they care about you. However, that will not always be the case. There will be times that your attached friends, will try to sabotage your chances of finding your own happiness, if they are selfish and only think about how it will impact them. I hear this a lot from women I coach who find out that their coupled-friends are not thrilled with any of her suitors, partly because they stand to lose their regular free baby-sitter if she actually has a love life of her own. If your friends are not trying to help you meet someone, then you may need to re-evaluate the amount of time you are spending with them.
Time is one of the only resources you have a constantly diminishing supply of. You cannot actually “make” time. All you can do is choose how you are going to spend your remaining time. The minutes continue to tick away, lost forever, even as you continue to read this article.
If everyone in your social circle is attached, leaving you the only Singledom citizen in the circle, and no one in the circle is in a position to introduce you to someone new, or set you up on a blind date…then it is time to seek out a new social circle, or better yet, start one of your own.
If you are single and you do not want to be, then you will have to make finding a relationship partner a priority. That means, you have to spend more time seeking out a potential partner and meeting new people, and stop using up that time to hang out with existing friends that have either rejected your interests, are already attached, or who were never an option to begin with.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best closest friends will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse and children ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends…and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses and good parents. You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner and family if you want it. You just might have to make some different choices, than you made in the past, to get it.
Frank Kermit
