- Published on
Every Parents Worst Nightmare Just Happened
(Dear Readers. I wrote this article for a local newspaper a few years ago, when a friend of mine on Facebook was trying to help a friend of hers (the father mentioned in the article) get some media attention for a situation that occurred with his son. I was very disturbed by the story I heard and wrote the article and submitted it to the local newspaper. This article, once online, went viral as the parents attempted to share it with everyone they could, and it got other media in the city interested in covering the story. I was happy to have helped this family. -Frank)
Every Parent’s Nightmare Just Happened
Boucherville Quebec
Originally published in September 2012, updated April 20, 2018
Every parent’s nightmare is that the individuals and organizations that we entrust the safety and protection of our children will fail us. Every morning millions of parents send their young children to school hoping that today is not the day that their kids become a news story or marked statistic.
Unfortunately for parents Alain and Anik Doucet, their son Justin had such a day. According to Allain Doucet, on Monday September 9, 2013, his son Justin was riding the school bus home from his first day of grade 2. Justin was the last child on the route to be taken home.
About a 15-minute walk from Justin’s home, the driver stopped the bus. Justin told the driver that this is not where he lives. The driver told Justin, that he refused to drive any further along and that Justin was big enough to go find his own house. Justin…is only 7 years old.
Justin never walked home alone from anywhere his entire short life.
After the driver abandoned Justin, Justin started walking as quickly as he could in the wrong direction for about 5 minutes, got lost, and started crying. It was by SHEER LUCK that Doucet’s cousin France Mousseau, who happened to be driving home from Costco, saw and recognized Justin.
At first Mousseau did not suspect any problem, but when she did not see Justin’s parent’s car, and realized he was in fact alone, she turned her car around to go get him. Mousseau finally caught up with Justin and asked him what happened.
At this point Justin was trembling as Mousseau picked him up, and took the boy home to his parents who were still waiting for the school bus to arrive in their driveway. It was 4:15 pm by the time Justin was returned to his parents. The School day end at 3:35 pm and a direct drive over to Justin’s home is only 11 minutes long.
On the morning of Tuesday September 10, 2013, both parents drove Justin back to Pere Marquette Ecole elementary, and went to talk with the principal of the school. This principal called the commission scolaire des patriotes school board to help remedy the situation.
After the Doucet’s returned home, the principle called them to confirm the driver had been suspended over the incident. When Doucet asked how long the driver was suspended for, or if he would still be employed and be assigned to a different route, or if he was going to get fired, the principal was unable to answer these questions. The principal was only told that the driver was suspended.
After speaking with the principal, Doucet then called the school board directly and asked for a letter to confirm what was going to happen with the driver. The person from the school board told Doucet that such a letter would only be issued for the internal files of the school board, but that such a letter would not be sent to the parents.
What makes this story even more distressing is that this is the SECOND time something like this has happened to the Doucet family.
Last year, on Justin’s first day of Grade 1, the school bus completely passed by the Doucet house where Justin’s mother Anik Doucet was waiting to greet him.
She had to get in her car, and follow the bus for a full ten minutes trying to flag down the driver as Justin tried to tell the driver that he missed his stop. The driver ignored Justin, to the point where Anik had to finally cut off the bus with her car. According to Anik, the chase lasted 10 minutes.
There is no confirmation if this was the same driver or not.
Each year, due to the traveling work obligations of his parents, Justin starts riding the school bus each year on the first Monday after Labor Day. Although the driver in this case may or may not have been informed about the extra stop on his route, that does not excuse abandoning a 7 year old in your care on the street, says Anik.
One can only imagine what could have happened to Justin if fortune had not been on the side of the Doucet family in the form of Guardian Angel France Mousseau. Justin could have gotten lost, hurt, been hit by a car, kidnapped or worse. Although most can agree that this is an absolutely unacceptable situation, the question that remains is: who should answer for this neglectful abandonment of a 7 year old?
If Justin had died or been murdered as a result of this incident, there surely would be much more commotion. Does our system need to have a child die before more serious actions are taken to ensure a certain level of competence and caring on the part of the bus drivers?
“Driving a bus, is not just driving a bus, you have the life of our children in your hands. This driver should not be a school bus driver again” says Doucet.
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Prior Commitment vs Commitment to Children
Prior Commitments vs.
Commitment To Children
By Frank Kermit
Having children is likely one of the biggest life changing events human beings can experience.
It is more than just adopting a new title of parent. It is a change in a mindset. A new filter has been added which every decision you will ever make from this point forward will be challenged with.
The filter is to ask the question:
Is this in the best interest of my kid/s?
In some cases the answer is very straightforward.
In other cases, the answer may be dependent on things such as the likelihood that whatever being discussed works out, and the risks involved if it does not.
Child-free folks only risk their own well being, and if something goes wrong, tend to be ready to accept those risks and work to bounce back. Security can become very important to new parents who previously may have been a little reckless in the past, because it is one thing to takes risks where a person suffers the consequences as adults, and they are the only ones to suffer.
It is quite another situation when the people to suffer the consequences of your bad decisions are young children that are completely dependent on you for mere survival.
Is it better to work more hours and spend less time at home, but to have financial resources available to the family? It depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
Is it better to live in a small apartment in the city with direct access to amenities, schools, hospitals or aim to live in a larger home in the country with an acre of yard space, but commute longer for school and work? Again, it all depends on the context of if it would be in the best interest of your kids.
As parents, sometimes the most we can do is to do our best to give our kids what we believe would give them a strong start in life, and if it does not work out, deal with it as the situation merits.
Did you make a commitment to a pet before you had a child? Well you may have to reconsider keeping it if the pet is a danger to the health of your child.
It could be that your child ends up being allergic to your pet. In some cases the pet is not accepting of the new child, and there are cases of pets attacking new children.
Did you make career promises to your employer to take on a project or new branch of the business before you had a child? You may find that you are unable to stay on with that commitment because your priorities have changed due to having children.
In my professional life as well as in my personal social circles, I even see men who did not even know they were fathers suddenly find out they have children somewhere in the world that were kept hidden from them. After a DNA test confirms they do in fact have children in the world, life changes.
Any plans they made previously had to be reviewed and likely altered to accommodate these children who, without warning, became a top priority.
So any plans to travel, retraining for new career, invest or even current relationship partners and family planning goals can all become secondary, delayed or even shelved permanently.
Bottom line is that the kids come first.
For some people, there can be a lot of internal conflict about what is the right thing to do because on the one hand, they want to be individuals of their word and stick with the previously made commitments.
On the other hand, they have an obligation to their children (even during pregnancy), which seems to be at odds with their self-identity of a person that maintains commitment.
For the record, when such an ordeal enters my office, the stand I take in my practice is always that the kids come first. It can at times be considered an unpopular or old fashion ideal to some, but that does not deter me.
I would rather encourage parents to put the best interests of their children first than to encourage parents to focus on themselves. I do not want children to run the risk of being neglected, targets for abusers and ultimately therapy patients in the future.
There is a cost to making your kids your main focus while those kids are growing up.
However, I ask that you trust me when I tell you; there is an even higher cost for you in the future (once those kids are grown with kids of their own) if you do not.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Breaks Ups and the Children of Your Ex
Breakups and the Children of your Ex
By Frank Kermit
Breakups can be messy, especially when there are children involved. If the break up involves the court system, they get worse.
The rules can be pretty clear when the children belong to both parents in the couple breaking up.
However, when the children involved only belong to one of the individuals of the relationship that is ending, it can be really heart-wrenching for some adults to find out they may not have any say in continuing a relationship with the children of a former partner.
In cases where a single parent has started seriously dating another adult, the lines about what role that new adult can play in a child’s life can be very blurry, especially in cases where the relationship, although serious and long term, may never have involved marriage, and/or the adoption of the child by the new adult partner, or even the couple living together.
However influential and a positive impact an adult in a relationship with a single parent may have had with the single parent’s child, it may not merit an ongoing association with that child when the romantic relationship ends.
In the case where children are minors, the child’s parent (who is a newly-single parent again) may be well within their rights to forbid any sort of interaction between his or her child and the former partner.
This can be a horrible situation for the former partner who may have bonded with the child, and for the child that could have an attachment to the former partner.
It is important that the best interest of the children involved are kept in the forefront of any decision about how the couple will handle the end of their relationship and to factor in those best interests, even if you no longer like your former partner.
With that said, it is also important to assess how worthwhile it will be for the children to continue to associate with a former partner that is no longer involved with the children’s parent, and the context of the break up.
For example, if continuing to associate with the children would interfere with the single parent’s new relationship opportunity for a more serious partner that wants to step up to being a legal step parent, it may be wise to terminate the association.
As most relationships between adults tend to not last a significant duration (relative to how a child experiences the time) it is often a good idea not to introduce new partners to your children until a definite commitment and plan has been made to take your serious long term relationship to the next level to the point where the new partner would take on a family role as a legal step parent.
If you are a couple in the process of breaking up and there are children involved in your relationship that have bonded to the former partner, make sure that you and your former partner plan a proper exit strategy that takes into consideration how the former partner will or will not be involved in the lives of the children of the single parent because that extra dose of maturity is what is in the best interest of your children, your step children, and the children of your partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating Single Parents
Single Parent Dating:
More Than Just A Single Issue
By Frank Kermit
At least 40% of marriages end in divorce. Depending on the study you read, the percentage can be higher. Even though the break down of families continues, the drive that makes people want to connect with one another does not break down. But what happens when a newly single person, ready to re-enter the dating scene...has kids? Single parents have it tough. Not only do single parents have to be careful that the person they are dating isn't actually a child predator looking to capitalize on a vulnerable and lonely parent, but they also must accept that many good potential partners may simply refuse to date single parents. In fact, there are single parents who refuse to date other single parents to avoid blended family issues, even though another single parent might best understand how he or she feels.
The biggest mistake single parents make is trying to hide the fact they have kids when getting to know someone new; Figuring it is best to have the potential partner develop feelings first and get hooked before they share this "tiny detail". In case you are wondering...it doesn't work in the long term. Can't build a future starting with an omission of truth. One of the challenges single parents face in the dating scene is an irregular schedule. A good parent, who rightfully puts children ahead of dating, makes for an unstable dating schedule.
If you are looking for something more than casual encounters, it is much more difficult to build as a single parent. If you really want to touch the heart of a single parent you are dating...chip in for the cost of babysitting, so you can see the parent more often.
When things get more serious, some people who do date single parents are not always ready for the responsibilities that come with "instant-family" which is why the pool of who will seek out a serious relationship with a single parent is smaller than for people without children. In fact, depending on where you live and the law of that territory, if the wealthier person of the couple had promised to care for the children of the single parent, that potential partner could end up paying child support after the relationship ends, for kids that aren't even biologically theirs.
If you are dating a single parent, then something you should know is not to push meeting your date's children. If you meet them through happenstance, present yourself as a "friend" of the parent, and do nothing in front of the children to suggest otherwise. Children that get too close to "the date" may end up with their own intimacy and attachment issues as they experience a parent going through a string of temp-parents coming in and out of their lives. Children lack the life experience or emotional maturity that comes with adulthood and how to interpret romantic relationships and realistic expectations. (For that matter, many adults have the same issues) Each time a child gets close to a new partner only to have the parent and new partner break up, it can be as gut wrenching for the child as it is for the parent...possibly more so. This is still only taking into account that the kids even want to get to know the new partner. In fact many children may instinctually hate the new date because some children fear abandonment from the other parent if they were too be accepting of the new partner.
Even in cases where the parents split up due to extreme domestic issues, most children still have a hope that mom and dad will work it out somehow, and the new date is a barrier to that hope.
If there was one bit of advice that every single parent must keep in mind it is this: factor in the physical, mental and emotional well being of your child into your dating life. This covers everything from choosing whom to spend time with, all the way to introducing your new love to your children when the relationship is serious enough, to creating a blended family with your new partner. The single parent has to decide what is more important: the potential exciting next partner or the potential excellent stepparent.
Frank Kermit
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What if it were your kids going to that school too ?
Frank Comment on Karla Homolka
By Frank Kermit MA
April 27, 2016, updated on April 18, 2018
When the news story broke in 2016 that Karla Homolka was found to be living in Chateauguay, Quebec, with a legally changed name, married with 3 young children and thus was regularly on the grounds of an elementary school where she took two of her oldest, I started to think.
One of my first thoughts was did her new husband know of her past before he had children with her, or was that information hidden from him and he was duped? After all, given the fact that she is a convicted serial killer who helped target her own younger sister, along with two other teenage girls, that simply cannot be something a person could easily overlook while falling in love.
As it turns out, her husband is the brother of her lawyer, and I would personally assume he knows even more details about what happened than the public does. Maybe I am wrong.
Another question I had was whether or not the news media did any disservice to her children by revealing the exact house they live in. Although the young kids are not responsible for the sins of their mother, would these very young children now be the targets of school bullies as well as any adults in and around the school who may take on the mantle of social justice, to justify abusive actions against these children that happen to be just as innocent as Homolka’s original victims?
Even if other school children, the school staff, and the parents of the other children in the school make it a point not to target those little kids, could revealing the exact location of the home in that neighborhood, ignite an individual vigilante who seeks to make more innocent children suffer in an effort to appease social justice’s call of an-eye-for-an-eye?
But the final question I had was what if it was my child was going to school with the children of a convicted serial killer?
I thought about this question the most. What would I do? It seems that after serving her sentence there is no legal action that can be taken to force her to remove her children from that school, and I do not know if isolating her children is an answer I would be comfortable with. Again, I would not want to punish the children for the actions of a parent.
One of the thoughts that came to my mind is that my kids could already be going to school with the children of convicted criminals and I simply do not know it. Just because it does not appear on the news media does not mean it does not exist.
The fact is, we really do not intimately know our neighbors, and that includes the neighbors we actually do know.
Every family has secrets they do not share with the neighbors.
So where does that leave us with what to do, when you are concerned for the safety and well being of your children?
Many years ago, on our first date my wife and I talked about a hypothetical situation of what we would do if it turned out one of our children was being so severely bullied at school that it started to affect their mental health. We both agreed that we would take every measure possible to protect our children including modifying our day-to-day work lifestyles and make whatever sacrifices were necessary to pull our child out of a brick-and-mortar school where our child was being victimized, and simply do whatever it took to home-school our kids.
As we may not legally be able to expel the other kids who torment our children, we always have a choice about whether or not we send our children to a school in order to meet the educational requirements of the government.
That conversation with my wife was one of the reasons I knew I was going to marry her, as we both felt very strongly about protecting our children and we both had the same vision of how we wanted to parent.
So, I guess that is what I would do.
From what I gather in the media follow-up stories, neither the school, nor the government is forced to remove Homolka’s children from any elementary school regardless of her criminal past.
It has nothing to do with rehabilitation, as it seems it has to do more with the deal she and her lawyers struck with the prosecution, and the fact that she completed her 12-year sentence.
Again, maybe I am wrong.
What I do feel confident in stating, is that if it were my children in the position of so many other kids going to school where I did not feel my kids were extra safe I might very well put the home-school plan into action.
According to http://thecanadianhomeschooler.com/canadian-homeschool-laws-quebec/, a student who receives home schooling and benefits from an education experience which according to an evaluation made by or for the school are equivalent to what is provided at school, are exempt from compulsory school attendance.
For more information about home-schooling and how to transition your child from going to a brick-and-mortar school, to schooling your own kids at home, please contact the Home School Legal Defense Association http://www.hslda.ca/
I really do not mean to offend anyone with this article.
I just see people being very concerned about what they should do, and before anyone takes any actions they are going to later regret or feel terrible about, I thought it would be wise to at least cover other options that are available.
I wish you all peace and healing.
Every Family Has Secrets
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