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The Reality vs Fantasy of Online Dating
Online Dating:
The Digital Fantasy meets Flesh and Reality
By Frank Kermit
Online dating is no longer the scary thing it used to be. The stigma has passed. The stereotypical image of the teenager forever hogging the one phone line in the house has been replaced by the young adult that is too busy texting multiple friends to notice where they are going as they walk into ongoing traffic. In fact, younger generations are starting to feel more at ease with relating to each other through technology than they do in a person-to-person encounter.
What will this hold for our future family builders? Time will tell. In the meantime, new technologies will also end up being just one more medium where boys and girls find themselves connecting.
OK, this is the scenario: You meet a great person months ago through a friend on Facebook. You don't do this type of thing EVER, but this person seems very intelligent and there is something interesting about them. You live in separate cities, but that does not stop you. You start exchanging some private messages that turn into long texts and then phone conversations. You are getting along very well. Things are going great and you find yourself in a long distance relationship with someone that you have not actually met in person. Soon, you start swapping sexy photos with promises of more sizzling excitement yet to come. Finally, one day, you decide that you are going to visit that special someone in your life for the first time. You meet, you have a great time, and you even have sex. Wow! Could life get any better? You agree to continue the romance after you return home. You start to think to yourself that you have finally found someone, and that maybe it's time for one of you to live with the other.
All of a sudden the phone calls become less frequent. The texts become less personal, and you haven't spotted a sexy pic of your true love in your email thread since you can't remember when. You ask if everything is OK? Your partner tells you everything is fine, but you know it's not like it was before. Finally it becomes clear that the only time you communicate is when you initiate it, otherwise it could be days if not weeks before you get a hello (or a poke or a wink depending on what social networking site you use.) You can feel it slipping away, so you decide to make one last ditch attempt and tell your future "spouse" how you are feeling and how important that person is to you. In response, your future spouse tells you that time is needed to think about the relationship and where it is going. Just a few months ago, that person couldn't get enough of you, but now? You fear the worst and wonder if there is someone else. Did you do something wrong? What could have possibly happened when things were going so great? Is it you or is it the other person?
Online dating does have some major flaws that come with the medium. Aside from the potential dangers that generally exist when you meet anyone new that moves from the stranger to the lover position, online relationships struggle mostly because they are not real relationships. So much of what makes an online relationship work, especially if you factor in long distance and very little actual time together, is that most of where that relationship exists in your head. It is not based on reality, but often on what you want the other person to be.
When reality collides with fantasy reality will always win. People who thrive in online relationships might be doing so as a means to avoid any actual intimacy. Easier to deal with people that you don't actually have to be with. When the reality of how a person really is around you does not, and simply can't, live up to the fantasy you have built in your mind as to who the other person is; it is just a matter of time before you have to acknowledge your feelings. The cold slap of reality is that the person you had feelings for might never have actually existed in real life.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
where you can go on a date
Focus On The Person,
Not The Location, Of Your Date
By Frank Kermit
I have been on Montreal CJAD AM radio as a regular contributor for years now on the Passion radio show with Dr Laurie Betito. In that time I have made a number of statements about my own stance and opinions on dating and relationships based both on my practice and my personal experiences. Some of my comments earn praise, and some others get the introspective discussion, and some get trashed.
There is one bit of advice that I have given out over the years, that seems to have garnered a tremendous amount of backlash, and to be Frank (pun intended), I am actually shocked that of all the advice I dole out, that it is this one nugget that repeatedly gets brought up again and again.
The fact that I think that first dates ideally should be inexpensive and people should pay for their own share, has earned me the wrath of audiences, more than any other topic I have ever talked about, including managing friends-with-benefits, open relationship dating, multi-partner sex, sharing sexual pasts, and sexual fetish lifestyles combined.
I believe that it all started with questions about first dates, what constituted a date, where is an appropriate location for a date, cost of a date and so on. I said something to the effect that any location is fine for a first date and giving a fast food restaurant (McDonalds) as an example. You’d have thought I was endorsing a threat to national government security with the rage it enticed. One woman actually wrote to me privately claiming that, “No one falls in love at McDonalds you Dufus!” (One of the nicer messages I assure you)
When you go out on a date, what is your goal? Are you looking for someone to pay your way to high priced dinners at fancy restaurants, or are you looking to go on a date to find a compatible partner to fulfill some role you desire? If your goal is to just get more “stuff” (meals, gifts, attention) the only people you will attract are the kinds of people that only have “stuff” to give, and will have their own expectations of what should be “owed” to them (The good news is that people who use people regularly end up with people who use people). If your goal is to find a partner to share some aspect of your life, then if you know how to manage dating (which most people do not) the location of the date becomes almost irrelevant. So yes Virginia, you can fall in love anywhere.
So who should pay for a first date? Yes, there is an etiquette that suggests that the person who is doing the inviting should cover the cost of a date. I have found that a high number of women tend to strongly endorse this etiquette. Understandable given the fact that even in a modern society of equality between genders, men are still the primary gender that is expected to ask out women on a date.
Men seem to fall into two distinct categories. There are men who truly respect women as equals and thus expect women to be capable of paying their own share until such a time as the couple moves from casual dating to something more serious (at which point joint expenses have their own rules). Then there are men who believe a man should pay for a first date because either they view themselves as being a gentleman in paying, or more insidious, they still view women as needing to be handled much like children, who could not possibly take care of themselves. Though, most men would not openly admit it because they are not Frank enough (again, pun intended), there are few other areas of life where someone wanting what could be interpreted as special treatment is ever looked upon with the respect of an equal.
If you are heading out on a date, and are more concerned with judging the location of the date, instead of focusing on the person you are dating, your focus is on the wrong element. The WORST thing that could happen to you is that you end up in a serious relationship with someone that used the razzle-dazzle of showcasing during those first few dates just to get you committed, and who turns out is too incompatible for you seven months later. Was the razzle-dazzle worth the lost time of months (could be years) with the wrong person? That is up to you.
One thing I can tell you for an absolute certainty. It certainly was the worst thing that has happened to some older clients of mine that come into my office, because they are shocked by being single (and usually child-free) at an age where they thought they would have already had their own families, and ask me for help to answer their overwhelming question of “Frank, What Happened?”
Frank Kermit
- Published on
5 Tips for First Dates
5 Tips For A First Date
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
First dates can be the beginning of a new wonderful relationship. First dates can also be a way to end things before they ever get started, depending on how you conduct yourself. Here are some tips to observe if you would like your first date to be the first of many with the same person.
1-Do not share areas of your past that are not relevant to your first date experience. Your history of abuse, dark family secrets, or your recent near death experiences is not fodder for first dates. Those topics are best reserved for when the person you are seeing has earned a certain level of your trust. It is a red flag when people share too much detail before a deeper level of sharing has been reached.
Do not turn your first date into a therapy session.
If you are looking for a sounding board to talk about your problems too, contact me as that is my job, and I do it well.
2-Do share your absolutes that affect your day-to-day lifestyle. An absolute is a particular boundary, limitation, or issue that you have that will affect your date. If possible, try to share your absolute before the actual date if you believe it would affect his or her decision to go out with you.
For example, telling someone that you are a recovering alcoholic and that dating you means there will never be an outing that would involve alcohol (no going out to bars on dates) is a very honorable thing to let him or her know. It is also a good weeding out process, as if someone runs from you, it means they would not be able to handle it down the road. If someone sticks around for the first date, or second date after they know the truth, you know that you may have found a keeper.
3-Do not let your hopes cloud your judgment. It is very normal and human of you to hope that your next date might be with that one special person to build a future with.
However, hope can turn into unreasonable expectations and cause you to get into a relationship with the wrong person. Take the person as-is, and not what you hope that person will change into just to avoid the pain of your hopes being trashed when your date does not meet up with your dream
4-Give your date the same kind of chance you would want someone to give you.
It is very possible that your first impression of someone may not be a great one, and that you are not totally attracted to someone at first. Give that person a chance to sweep you off your feet. Feelings of attraction can develop over time, especially when you open to giving it a chance.
5-Keep in mind that commitment must be earned.
Chances are the person you are dating is likely seeing other people. One date, no matter how far you may end up going, does not equal any sort of commitment. Pretending it does can lead to heartache and hurt feelings.
Unless you both make some kind of public declaration that you are seeing each other exclusively, it is best to assume that you are both seeing other people.
-Frank Kermit
Rules for First Date
Stop messing up
your first dates!
Focus on on these easy and simple rules to turn first dates into fun and pleasurable experiences!
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Everybody Gets One Date
Everybody Gets One Date
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
To Sweep You Off Your Feet
By Frank Kermit
One of the mistakes singles make that keep them single is that when it comes to dating, they do not give enough people a chance.
Almost every single person that walks into my office complaining that they simply can not find anyone to date, have all refused to give someone that liked them a chance.
This includes people who they chose through a match up, blind date or speed dating (meaning they initially agreed to go out on one date, and then changed their minds).
If there was one attitude that separates the happy social single and the lonely solitaire single, it is their attitude about meeting new people and going out on first dates.
It is just one date.
It is not a marriage proposal.
It is just one date.
It is not a lifetime commitment.
It is just one date.
It is not a promise to go out on numerous multiple dates.
It is JUST ONE DATE!
If someone has the guts to make a romantic interest in you known, that person has earned enough of your attention to merit just one date.
It does not matter if you are not attracted to that person, or if you do not think there is a future, or if your friends do not like the person.
If you are alone, single and want to have a shot of love, then every time someone wants to have a date with you, go.
Just go on one date.
At worst, you confirm your suspicions.
At best, you might be surprised to find out that you were wrong and that the person that has been available to you was in fact your soul mate.
Many people tend to assume that they would be able to recognize their soul mates when they see or meet them.
That is simply not the case.
The more time you spend single and alone, the less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences.
The less you are getting to know yourself through creating life experiences, then the less you will ever know who your soul mate could be.
In that way, you would not be able to spot a soul mate, even if that soul mate was right in front of you.
So the next time, you have a chance to go out with someone, take that chance.
When someone asks you out,
just say YES damn it!
The more you date others, the more you will learn about yourself and the more you will learn what kind of a person you are truly seeking.
-Frank Kermit
Where To Go on First Dates
Get Over 100+ Ideas for Places To Go for a First Date!
Stop wasting time being overwhelmed looking for ideas where to go.
This program gives you the answers about where to go for dates, and tells you why they are great locations!
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You Cursed or Making Bad Choices
Cursed or Bad Choices
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
Sometimes I have clients who ask me if I think they may be cursed.
Bad incident, after bad incident, after bad incident can make a person feel that life is against him or her. I do want to state that some people just have rotten luck, and bad luck can play a factor in a person’s life once in a while.
However, if you ever wonder why all the bad things seem to always happen to you, then perhaps you need to consider taking some accountability for the choices you made along the way that brought you to this moment.
You are where you are because of a series of choices you made.
Financially broke?
You made choices to end up there.
Heartbroken?
You made choices to end up there.
Unhealthy?
You made choices that end up there.
For the record, I am guilty of this as well. I am not pointing fingers. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life that got me to where I am, and I am by no means perfect.
We ALL make some bad choices.
The key is to see if we can learn from the bad choices we made, by first identifying those choices and then making better choices.
Many years ago I got my heart stomped on over and over.
I made choices to give people a chance when there were signs that I should not have. I made choices to ignore the warning signs. I made choices to assume facts, instead of finding out the true facts.
I made choices to act on my feelings in the moment and accept poor behaviour of others because it hurt too much to pick myself up and move on.
Then one day, I made the choice of saying, “Never Again!”
And from that moment on, I started to make different choices.
Some were still the wrong choice.
Other choices were good choices, but not great choices, until I learned through life experience how to make the best choices for myself.
I could not be sure I was on the best path, but at least I made it a point to never again re-make the original choices that put me into the situation I ended up in.
To read all about the choices and changes I made, grab a copy of my autobiography From Loser To Seducer
Redemption is when you can trust yourself not to make the same mistakes again. At that moment of redemption, self-forgiveness is automatic and inner peace is the result.
So the next time you are asking yourself why bad things keep happening to you, please consider that you might not be cursed, but you do need to re-evaluate the choices you are making (or not making) to put you in a better place.
Frank Kermit
No More Bad Choices
If you are tired of making bad choices in life, now is the time to get The Art of Calibration From Creepy To Charisma
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Are you cursed, or just making bad choices?
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Asking "So, Where is this Going?"
So Where Is This Going?
The What Are We Relationship Talk
By Frank Kermit
Mar 22, 2016, Updated on April 18, 2018
“So where is this going?” That is a question on the minds of many people who have started to date someone new and things are going well. However, it is also one of the most intimidating questions that people fear asking because they may not like the answer they are going to get, or they are afraid that it may turn off the other person.
If you are dating someone right now, and have been for some time, let’s use for example four weeks, it is perfectly OK to ask the person where this is going. Asking for clarity about where you stand with someone is normal and only an issue is you feel there is an issue in asking. More often than not, it is a person’s own discomfort with asking where they stand, rather than the question itself, that turns people off.
So ask!
- If the person sees a potential future with you, at least you know.
- If the person does not see a potential future with you, at least you know.
- If the person wants to move to the next level and make your dating together exclusive and not date anyone else, at least you know.
- If the person wants to date you but still date other people at the same time until things get even more serious, at least you know.
- If the person still does not know, because it is too soon for them, well then, at least you know.
In truth, there is nothing wrong with someone only wanting to date you causally for a limited time, or wanting something more serious with you, or not knowing what they want at all.
Because the core of the question: “So where is this going?” has less to do with the other person and has more to do with you.
It is about what you want.
It does not matter if the other person only wants a casual fling or something exclusively serious. If what the other person wants is not compatible with what you want, then it is up to you to be the person to move on.
What I find very sad in my practice is the number of people that focus more on what someone else wants rather than focusing on going after what they want in dating.
First you have to know what you want, and communicate what you want from the other person. Set a timeline if need be, such as, we can date casually for 7 weeks but at that point we have to make a choice about whether or not we get exclusive. If the other person is not interested in what you want, better to find out sooner than later.
The worst thing anyone can do is wait for the other person to come around to his or her way of thinking. If what you want, and what someone else wants are not compatible, then move on to find someone new to date. The way to find out where you stand with the other person is to ask that person directly.
When you ask, make sure you ask in a manner that is about gathering information. There is no need for insults or name calling just because the person you are dating does not want the same things as you. There is no need for accusations and trying to guilt the person into changing his or her mind.
There are so many people that you can date in the world, and it is more than likely you will find someone that wants you the way you want him or her.
Settling out of fear is no way to build a foundation to anything long lasting.
Sign up for Coaching with Dating and Relationship Coach Frank Kermit
If you are Struggling to start conversations when dating, go pick up this audio program on The Emotional Needs of Men and Women so no matter what you want to say for you, you never have to feel awkward again to have basic conversation skills. And Bonus, have the person you want to date think you are the hottest, most attractive person in the room by just saying simple statements they are already programmed to respond to sexually.
emotional needs in a relationship
Stop Being Single
