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Figuring Out What You Want For Dating
Figuring Out What You Want
In Dating
By Frank Kermit
In my work with singles that are struggling to find a serious long-term relationship, one of the challenges is to get the single person to define exactly what it is he or she wants. Many people think they know what they are looking for, or believe that when the right person comes along, they simply will feel it.
Based on my experience and my practice, I have to tell you that such beliefs tend to lead people to dating the wrong partners or ending up very alone as they get older.
Trying to define exactly what you want in a life partner, as well as, the kind of relationship structure that meets your needs is not as easy as some may assume.
First you must balance what you think you want, and what you personally can and cannot handle. You may think you would be happy with a very socially active dating partner; however, it is only after you actually date someone who is very socially active that you come to realize that your own introverted nature and home body lifestyle, simply cannot support dating a socially active partner who is out and about most times and enjoying extrovert behaviors.
Second, there is the issue of not having enough experience with dating in general. How do you know if casually dating a number of people, instead of trying for a monogamous relationship right away would make you happier?
The answer is, you likely do not know, until you try and let experience teach you.
When I meet with clients who struggle like this, I usually suggest that sometimes it can be easier to define what it is you do NOT want. You may not be sure if you want a monogamous relationship right away, or to casually date several people at once, or to have a primary partner with some kind of more open relationship because you simply do not have enough experience to know yourself.
In fact, dating could turn out to be just a big experimental tryout until you figure it out by getting burned a few times. However, if you can list what you are sure you do not want, it can help you narrow down your choices to figure out your next immediate decisions.
For example, if something you know for sure that you do not want in your future is a divorce from the other parent of your own children, then use that as a guiding principle to help you choose what you believe is the best potential learning opportunities going forward.
No one-relationship lifestyle is better than another. Each one has pros and cons and can be better suited for different phases of a person's lifespan.
It is about starting with your end goals, identifying what you know you do not want, and working back from that future point.
This will help you decide who you should attempt to date today, and in what kind of relationship structure you should date that person.
Dating can get complicated if you let it, but it does not have to be that way if you know what your end goals are, and use that knowledge to factor into the choices you make today.
Frank Kermit
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Scared Single
Scared Single
By Frank Kermit
Over the last few years I have witnessed the emergence of what I would almost call a new category of singles. Singles, who continue to remain single, primarily out of fear. I refer to people in this group as the Scared Single.
What makes these individuals so interesting is that the vast majority of them do not have any experience being in an actual relationship.
If someone was married, and then suffered an abusive relationship and/or nasty divorce, and wound up scared to date again, then being too scared to enter into relationships would make sense to most people.
If someone grew up in a household that was emotionally unhealthy, or witnessed horrible interactions between parents and/or other adults, then being too scared to enter into relationships would make sense to most people.
However, a significant number of people are choosing to resist being committal in any sort of romantic relation, and some even refuse to bother dating at all. They are actively choosing to completely by-pass any need for getting seriously involved with another human being, and are insisting on a childfree existence.
Many are adult aged virgins (of both genders) that have never had a serious significant other. The closest thing to a relationship most have had is a long-standing crush on a person they never actually dated.
Now, just so my position is clear, there is nothing wrong with someone wanting to remain single, choosing not to date, and opting to remain childfree. No one should be forced to take on any sort of relationship role that he or she is neither interested in nor comfortable with. In fact, forcing people who are not interested in dating to date, or start families, is unethical.
What intrigues me is to understand where the fear comes from. I am often quoted that 50% of marriages fail. This is true. However, that also indicates that 50% of marriages succeed. Here is where it becomes of interest to me.
When such a person insists they are happy with their style of life (and there are people who are happy with such lifestyle choices), when bother coming to see a Dating and Relationship Coach? People, who are happy with their life, do not seek the validation of others to fortify their choices or complain about being single.
At the heart of fear of relationships, we can see a fear of loss (getting something and then losing in the future), and we can see a fear of rejection (asking for something you want and being refused it), and we can see a fear of conflict (wanting to please others so badly that you submerge your own desires).
However, for the group of Scared Single, I think the fear may be something a little more personal. Many Scared Single, simply do not trust themselves enough to be able to attract what they want, and to be able to know how to keep it.
Essentially the Scared Single, do not have enough knowledge about what they want, and have no concept about the boundaries they have to balance out what they do not want. When I work with the Scared Single, a HUGE issue is the inability to weed out and spot the red flags, so that they do not get saddled dating the wrong person.
It takes a lot of courage to overcome the fears at the core of a Scared Single. Sometimes, the pain of being alone has to outweigh the pain of dating. That may take quite of bit of time to accumulate, as most Scared Single, find dating to be demoralizing (too many unrealistic expectations based on fantasy, that reality can never live up to).
There is a lot of letting go for the Scared Single to be ready to move to the next level in order to find love. It takes a level of acceptance and maturity that not every Scared Single has the motivation to achieve.
Just like all areas of life, it is the enemy within that is the toughest demon to slay.
Frank Kermit
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Work Romances
Work Romances: Dating on the Job
By Frank Kermit
It is said that about 30% of couples met through work in some capacity. From bosses who marry the secretary to employees from different departments making special connections, to police officers and citizens making a spark after the issuing of a speeding ticket. There is no limit to the stories of work romances.
However, there are risks to dating someone that you work with, and it is a good idea to keep these in mind.
First, there may be company policies where you work about such romances. Some companies require the employee couple to report to the Human Resources Department to announce their involvement just in case there might be a conflict of interest that company wants to avoid.
Other companies have very strict rules of absolutely no fraternization between co-workers, employees and or clients of the business, which may lead to termination if the rules are not followed.
Then there are those consequences to deal with, even if the relationship goes very well. For one thing, if and when your coworkers learn of your romance it can lead the two of you to headline the office gossip.
Another challenge couples discover, is managing to keep their private life and their work life separate.
Having to wait until you get home to have a more private conversation, and having to wait until you get into work to have a work related conversation proves to be more difficult than people can imagine.
In fact, some people find it exceptionally difficult not to be able to vent about the job during off hours to their partner, out of worry that something they say may come back to the work place in ways that were unintended to be shared.
Lastly, a partner may be in the unpleasant position of holding back from disciplining other employees because of the role of the other partner has related to those employees.
Finally there is the concept of sexual harassment in the workplace as it relates to work romances. I asked a former manager of mine about sexual harassment claims made on the job.
She informed me that all claims are investigated and about 50% of them that she investigated regularly produced evidence that prove the acts were consensual.
Usually the acts that took place on the work premises during a time when the two individuals were secretly romantically involved.
She described these cases as relationships that went south, and someone seeking revenge through allegations.
In those cases both the employees involved usually get reprimanded for acting on their relations on work premises, and not for the relations themselves.
So here are some basics to keep in mind:
-Keep all relational talk or physicality off the premises
-Keep evidence of your involvement (emails, photos, etc…) that prove there was consent of togetherness even if it is off the premises, just in case of a revenge allegation later on
-Try to keep your office relationship a secret at first until you are sure it is serious enough to announce to your coworkers, but not so secret as to avoid keeping evidence of your involvement
-Be aware of any company policies that could affect you, your partner and your careers
-Do your best to keep your two worlds separate.
Is the person you are dating worth all the risk?
Only you can know if the risk is worth it for you.
Frank Kermit
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When your ex starts to date again
When Your Ex Starts Dating Again
By Frank Kermit
Break ups can be hard. Even the most amicable ending to a relationship, can still be an unpleasant experience.
At that point, the issue is not trying to avoid the negative feelings, as much as, trying to manage those feelings, until such a time as you can reach a point of peace, perhaps even forgiveness of yourself and your ex partner, where you can accept the existence of your ex without cringing.
With all that said, I do find a particular aspect comes up in my practice that is a sore spot for some people after a break up and that is the moment when your ex starts dating again.
When you break up with someone, you are, knowingly or not, declaring that the now ex-partner is free to date anyone and everyone other than you.
After all, if you are ending the relationship, you are setting yourself, and the other person, free to find better-suited partners.
On some level most people understand this consciously. However, the reality of the emotional impact of a break up may only fully set in, when you discover your ex is dating someone new.
That impact can be even more devastating, when it is revealed that your ex, is actually now dating someone you know. Incidentally it happens a lot more that people anticipate.
After all, after a break up and available to date someone new, most people find it easier to explore all the contacts they already have (including your mutual social circles) than to deal with the headaches associated with putting oneself out there to meet a totally new group of individuals to get to know and date.
Yes, your friends, your friend's friends, your neighbors, and sometimes even your work relations or even family members tend to be your ex's new immediate lovers (at least from a statistically point of view).
At times, people break up with their partners with the mindset of "I-am-breaking-up-with-you-to-teach-you-a-lesson-but-will-get-back-together-after-I-scare-you-with-it".
This little game destroys more than it ever creates through a number of factors including the fact that it creates the opportunity for someone else to make a move on your partner that has just been waiting for the right moment.
All head games cause cracks in the original foundation of your relationship; cracks that will bring about the actual real break up.
Never play head games.
One of the most important principles in the ethics of dating is that no person should interfere in any meaningful way the opportunity for any one person to find, meet and date a potential soul mate.
If you made the decision to end a relationship and your ex hooks a new partner who comes in the form of someone you know, be mindful that instead of feeling betrayed, practice being happy for them.
Your ex and that other person you know are not cheating on you.
There is no cheating because you ended the relationship.
There is no infidelity and no wrong doing here.
You do not own your ex, and you do not own the person you know.
If they start dating after you officially ended things, it means they are following up on the same personal right that you have; the right to find someone new to date when they are both emotionally available.
If you turn your partner into your ex, and that ex starts dating someone you know, it does not mean your ex never loved you.
It does not mean your friend wasn't your friend.
It does not mean you are easy to get over. It does not mean you are a loser.
It does not mean you were set up. It does not mean anyone lied to you.
It does not mean you were betrayed.
It does not mean you weren't loved.
All it means is that someone that you rejected has done the right thing: moved on to explore an interest in someone else that wants to be with him or her.
Should an ex inform you of who they are dating next, if that person happens to be someone you know? Should that friend tell you?
The answer is no one is obligated to tell you anything about his or her private love life. Not your ex, and not anyone dating your ex.
Breaking up with someone is equal to telling your ex that his or her love life, is no longer any of your business.
Think about that next time you want to break up with someone, and be sure that you are certain that you are ready for the consequences of a break up.
Frank Kermit
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Mementos of the Ex: Stay or Go?
The Ex Mementos:
Should They Stay or Should They Go?
By Frank Kermit
I was listening to a radio show where the hosts were discussing a subject that I often see in my practice when counseling couples.
The situation was that the host, who was newly married, had discovered that his wife was in the possession of a ring that had been given to her by an ex of hers.
Some of the questions that came up in the discussion included if he should be worried about it, was it a sign she was not over her ex, should she have gotten rid of the ring when she got married, why he was not told about it, and if he should request that she get rid of it.
Just to be clear, the ring was a gift when she and her ex were dating, but the ring itself was not an engagement ring of any sort.
Keeping past gifts from ex partners can be a very touchy subject for some people.
Some people do not care either way, as they do not read into those keepsake items as souvenirs or reminders of the past.
While others may feel threatened about their partners having relics honoring a past love.
What ends up being a bigger matter than most partners assume, is the issue of a partner feeling like something was hidden from him or her.
When a partner finds out that that items in question may be a memorial to the past, the fact that the partner was not informed about the origins of the token of affection, can lead some partners to feeling suspicious about what other "secrets" are being kept hidden.
In most related cases that I see in my practice, there is rarely anything that is maliciously hidden.
It tends to have more to do with the fact that the topic of ex mementos just never came up.
Resolving this particular issue can sometimes simply come down to whether or not the couple can enjoy the memento together.
The line being drawn is whether or not they both get to enjoy the benefits of the memento.
If they can, it seems most new partners do not seem to mind as much.
For example, if the memento in question is a DVD of a movie, some new partners may not have a problem with it, even if it was a gift received in a previous relationship from an ex, as the new couple can enjoy the movie together.
However, I also see in my practice that certain details associated with such gifts might make even the most open minded new partner and the most seemingly unsuspecting knickknack a relic that has got to go.
For example, if that same particular DVD movie mentioned above was a particular favorite to play loudly to cover up the noises of intimacy in a previous less-than-soundproof-apartment, it could leave some friction with a new partner.
It is those additional details that make ex mementos such a necessary topic of discussion, especially for new couples.
There are different kinds of mementos that factor in greatly to whether or not it might be too much for a new partner to accept.
For example, safety alarm key chains, and photos taken at family social circle gatherings are on a far different level than personal massage units and amateur homemade sex tapes.
Some of the worst examples I see in my practice is that the mementos in question, are not necessarily from a past ex, but instead from an ex affair that took place at the time the current relationship existed.
Although the nature of the actual gizmo may be different, the bottom-line constant consideration is always the same: your memento or your relationship?
The debate is one where the couple is trying to strike a balance between trusting one another (that there are no emotional strings attached to a past partner), and respecting a boundary for each individual in the couple (not to be forced to give up property).
The item may very well be a meaningless trophy of a love past, but if a new partner feels very violated by the retaining of the memento, a person may end up with a very uncomfortable decision.
If something is truly meaningless, then it should be no problem to get rid of it.
However, forcing a partner to get rid of it could create resentment between the couple (which is sad, given that if you are in a serious relationship, holding on to a meaningless mementos based on principle should not take priority over the violated feelings of your partner).
In today's age of dating, the realistic perspective is that the person you date today, whether casually, or even seriously, are likely not going to be the person you end up with as a life partner.
Given the stats on successful marriages can be about 50% it is more important than ever that we all pick and choose our battles accordingly.
Deciding to keep or discard mementos is not as clear-cut as some would hope, given that the new partners you discard them for, may themselves get discarded sooner than later as well.
What I do suggest is that people make an effort to align themselves in romantic relationships with others who have compatible beliefs about how mementos from exs need to be managed.
Frank Kermit
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Breaks Ups and the Children of Your Ex
Breakups and the Children of your Ex
By Frank Kermit
Breakups can be messy, especially when there are children involved. If the break up involves the court system, they get worse.
The rules can be pretty clear when the children belong to both parents in the couple breaking up.
However, when the children involved only belong to one of the individuals of the relationship that is ending, it can be really heart-wrenching for some adults to find out they may not have any say in continuing a relationship with the children of a former partner.
In cases where a single parent has started seriously dating another adult, the lines about what role that new adult can play in a child’s life can be very blurry, especially in cases where the relationship, although serious and long term, may never have involved marriage, and/or the adoption of the child by the new adult partner, or even the couple living together.
However influential and a positive impact an adult in a relationship with a single parent may have had with the single parent’s child, it may not merit an ongoing association with that child when the romantic relationship ends.
In the case where children are minors, the child’s parent (who is a newly-single parent again) may be well within their rights to forbid any sort of interaction between his or her child and the former partner.
This can be a horrible situation for the former partner who may have bonded with the child, and for the child that could have an attachment to the former partner.
It is important that the best interest of the children involved are kept in the forefront of any decision about how the couple will handle the end of their relationship and to factor in those best interests, even if you no longer like your former partner.
With that said, it is also important to assess how worthwhile it will be for the children to continue to associate with a former partner that is no longer involved with the children’s parent, and the context of the break up.
For example, if continuing to associate with the children would interfere with the single parent’s new relationship opportunity for a more serious partner that wants to step up to being a legal step parent, it may be wise to terminate the association.
As most relationships between adults tend to not last a significant duration (relative to how a child experiences the time) it is often a good idea not to introduce new partners to your children until a definite commitment and plan has been made to take your serious long term relationship to the next level to the point where the new partner would take on a family role as a legal step parent.
If you are a couple in the process of breaking up and there are children involved in your relationship that have bonded to the former partner, make sure that you and your former partner plan a proper exit strategy that takes into consideration how the former partner will or will not be involved in the lives of the children of the single parent because that extra dose of maturity is what is in the best interest of your children, your step children, and the children of your partner.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Date Someone That is NOT Your Type
Have You Tried Not Dating Your Type?
By Frank Kermit
We all have our type. By -type- I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with. But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, particular scents like perfumes and colognes that draw us in once upon a whiff, or maybe even a body type.
Each of us has an ideal combination of attractors that when presented to us in a radical idealized form, fuels our lovelorn fantasies into a blazing inner inferno. Inside we feel everything from a warm fuzzy feeling, to tingling sensations, to waves of rapture that throb and pulsate throughout our bodies when the idol of our affections draws near to us. It is no wonder how some of us get into relationships with people who just might be exactly what we need to stay away from.
One of the biggest struggles the people have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with. In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their futures, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts. When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
Our (what I refer to in my work as:) Attraction Mechanism can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience. Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example, a person may be born with a particular sexual orientation (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual) and through life experience (and possibly in connection with genetic predispositions) may also end up responding to stimuli very positively in ways that would qualify for different sexual orientations mentioned already, and ever expanding sexual orientations (i.e. pansexual).
Another challenge is when what you are attracted too DOES NOT change, but when the person you are with DOES change.
For example, a person may only be attracted to a youthful appearance but is unable to see anything representing older age as attractive in its own rights.
People age over time. Another example is a person that is highly attracted to wealth and status, and is unable to have any intimate response to someone seeking an emotional connection. People can lose wealth and status over time. Whether it is the natural aging process, or a series of unfortunate events that can happen in life, there is one key element that is abundantly clear.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the tests of time.
Does this mean that they only way to have a successful long-term relationship is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in? No actually. However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted too, but not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lusting for a happier and more stable life.
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their partners. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed. Finally there are people that do not wish to become cheaters, so they may attempt to structure a non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet.
Whether doing without, or structuring a non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved. What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control who you are attracted too, but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction. It is simply a process of learning about yourself and how to manage your relational expectations.
-Frank Kermit
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What To Do When You Like Someone
What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit
It happened. Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened. When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone. You actually found someone that you like. Now what?
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do? Do you tell that person directly and see what happens? Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process? Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest? What if you do not know what signs to look for? What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect. There are a number of factors to consider such as do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it), or perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends).
First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences. If you can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach. The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be. If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.
If the person has been a friend for a long time, and you do not know if that person likes you back, being direct may put too much pressure and the person you like may not want to risk the friendship by succumbing to the pressures. Ironically, the friendship is likely over anyways given that the romantic feelings involved turn any friendship lopsided. In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.
Involving your friends has its pros and cons. Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in. In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity. A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages. You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand. Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is to take some kind of action listed above. People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
Dating: It's All Or Nothing
All Or Nothing Dating
By Frank Kermit
There is little point in constantly continuing to pursue someone that has rejected you repeatedly in the past.
When you ask someone out, and that person says no, but would rather remain friends, think very carefully before agreeing to it. There is a difference between dating as friends as a means to get to know one another enough to see if there is a potential for a relationship, and being just friends and hanging out as friends with no intention of moving it to the next level.
When the person you ask out is someone new in your life that does not know you well enough; there is no shame in a rejection. That rejection may have nothing to do with you per se as that other person may have things going on that make starting a new relationship very challenging (such as still on again off again dating of an ex). However, when that person that rejected you happens to be someone that has been friends with you for quite some time, it is an insult.
Yes, an insult. It is not that you got rejected from immediately going on a romantic date. What makes it an insult is that the friend in question is not even open to trying to build a romantic relationship with you. It is one thing if your friend claims he or she never thought of you in that way, but is open to going out a couple of times to give the two of you a chance. It is quite another when that “friend” makes it clear that your friendship wasn’t valuable enough to give it a chance for romance.
Most people feel that valuing a friendship means you never take it into a romantic realm. I disagree. There is no value in maintaining friendships with people who are romantically interested in you. At best the person with feelings will end up feeling used and resentful over time, and at worst, the person will continue to forge a friendship in the HOPES that the nature of the non-romantic connection will change over time. Both situations can be emotionally damaging for the person who continues to long for something more, and to have those affections unreturned.
The BEST thing that can happen is that the friend agrees to give the two of you a fair chance at romance. One of two things will happen. You either will end up in a relationship, or you will not. Is it possible that a break up down the road (whether after a longer relationship, or just a couple of dates) could end the friendship? Of course! That is one of the risks of dating; getting to know someone enough and having experiences with them that you end up not liking the person at all.
However, the real secret is that the friendship in question is already dead. The moment that one of you proclaims affection and a desire to move things forward, for all intent purposes, the friendship is over and the only way to show respect for, and salvage the friendship, is to give it a real chance at becoming something more than just a friendship.
A friendship that does not merit even taking a chance at turning to love was never a real friendship. The sooner people realize it, the sooner they can build long term relationships that actually have the base to withstand what causes many couples in love to succumb to divorce.
Frank Kermit
- Published on
When your partner does not want to get serious
To Commit or Not to Commit
Do Not Be With Someone
That Does Not Want To Be With You
By Frank Kermit
There are times when individuals stay with partners who do not want to get more serious. This situation happens when one person, for whatever reason, feels that it is better to stay with someone they have to convince to change their minds, than it would be to break up and start over by finding someone new to be with.
Sometimes, the person stays because of a deep held belief he or she is with the right person and is willing to wait it out. Other times, a person stays in this situation due to a deep fear of being alone and not finding anyone else or anyone better. Then there are those situations where the circumstances have to do with the pressure of a biological clock that is so close to no longer ticking that it feels riskier to break up and look for someone else to commit to in such a short time frame, than it is to stick it out, hoping to pressure a partner into agreeing to make something more happen.
Regardless of the reasons, the general rule is that if the person that you are interested in having something more serious with (moving to the next level in the stages of the relationship hierarchy) is not interested, nor even open to talking about what would have to happen for your relationship to move forward, the best course of action is to walk away and find someone else.
The emotional damage done when a person stays with a partner that does not want to get serious is the most significant reason for leaving. Constantly being pushed away and rejected, can lead to a repeating behavior pattern of responding to that kind of lack of affection. In other words, the longer you stay with someone that rejects your advances, the more you get used to being rejected when expressing intimate interests, and it can lead to the point in the future, where you learned to only feel romantically interested in people if they push you away and get turned off by the people who accept your emotional advances. We become engaged with the challenge and the pursuit of love, but bored of actually having love. It is not about what we intellectually know is better for us. It is about how we respond emotionally to those behaviors by our attachment history.
You may intellectually know that the person who is available to you and accepting of your affection is the better partner for you long term, but you will not be able to feel attraction for such people if you have programmed yourself to only emotionally respond to people that continually reject you.
Simply put, do not value someone that is unable to value you back. It is time to find someone else.
Frank Kermit
