Over 30 Years of BDSM Kink Experience
by Sadistfaction I remember taking psychology in CEGEP in1979, and at that time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was on its 2nd revision (DSM-II.) I was quite alarmed to read that I apparently had many sexual disorders; some of the types of sexual deviations listed in the DSM-II were: sexual orientation disturbance (homosexuality), fetishism, transvestitism (sic), exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and "other sexual deviations". Certainly not something you want to read at 18 back then. Today Kink is no longer a four-letter word (well it is, but you get what I mean). Over the last 30+ years I have been educating those individuals who are interested in BDSM, spoken to the media, and set up a website. On it I currently offer non-sexual spankings for sexual arousal or for those who seek discipline or want a good healthy adrenaline rush that uses your bodies endorphin. (A much better alternative to drugs to relieve stress in my opinion). For my first article, I thought I would give some information I am commonly asked about.: Basics of BDSM terminology: Top and Bottom There are lots of discussions between the different terms. Someone who is a Top does not necessarily mean they are dominant or alpha in every day life. A Bottom is the one receiving the pleasure and the Top giving. Like a massage of sorts. What makes a good Bottom? Be on time. Making someone sit and wait for you really shows a lack of respect. You can easily text as soon as you are aware your not going to be on time. Make sure you are squeaky clean in front and in back. Nothing more offensive than foul smells. Offer to help clean up after, thank them for putting in the effort and ensuring your safety. It takes a lot of time to prepare and to setup a scene. Be honest about your prior experiences and fantasies. You should meet the person before hand and give them your personal information so they can setup a safe call. Ask for references (I always offer to provide references). What makes a good Top? If you are a Top, you are the one setting up the scene and its only going to be as good as the effort you put into it. As a Top, I usually go over the basic scene in my head and meditate for 30 minutes prior. You should be well informed about your kink. Don't make someone your guinea pig unless it’s discussed first. You do not want to injure someone by trying something you have no experience in just for the sake of playing. If you’re a novice top be honest about your experience. CPR training is certainly a bonus. Our community centre offers a course once a year. Have a general first aid kit on hand and always keep your toys clean. Review of 50 Shades of Gray Most people in the lifestyle will tell you that 50 shades is a poorly written book about an abuser who has little or no concern about his partners pleasure or well being. In our lifestyle there is a huge paradox in BDSM which most people don't understand as it is the submissive that has all the control. Like yin and yan both are equally as important. Because the submissive can use a safe word that means “no” or stop. Thus giving them control over the scene. Also the submissive is the one getting all the attention. Fifty shades may have made the lifestyle more acceptable and mainstream to the public but it promotes domestic violence, and has nothing to do with BDSM What to expect at your first play party Of course it’s normal to be nervous, especially if you are going alone. However, you will find people to be extremely friendly and there is never any pressure to play. The respect and energy between play partners will surprise you. Most of us are exhibitionists so there is nothing like a voyeur watching our play or just sitting in a non-play area listening to conversations. There are private rooms for those that don't want to be watched and or wish to have sex (oral is most common, intercourse is rare) and the door will be closed. If it is open it is OK to come in and watch. There is also a No-Play Room for those socially awkward or if some one wants to have some quiet time or to talk in private. How to get invited to a play party Most of the play parties are held in someone’s home. When someone comes to my private play party they must be vetted first. Usually vetting is done at a previous get together. Also someone who is already vetted can refer someone. An example of a previous get together is a “munch”. A munch is a gathering at a local restaurant. Anyone can attend of course. Sometimes there are play parties at clubs downtown and everyone is welcome. Do and Don’t List for first time playing When playing with someone for the first time, never use a gag so you can always communicate, I always remain clothed and focus all of my attention on doing a perfect “introductory” scene, if they are into bondage I tie them up and then release them before tying them up again. This establishes trust. Aftercare is always important after every scene so never leave it out. (Learn more about Aftercare in a future article). And of course it’s amazing to hug or cuddle someone afterwards while discussing the scene that just happened. Dungeon Rules and Etiquette No drugs. No video or photography without asking the persons consent first. Ask if it is ok to watch or participate. Don't assume because someone is tied up that you can walk over and touch the person. Don't talk about the weather while people are playing. Put a towel under your play. Cover toys with condoms and wash them before and after. Ask whomever runs the Dungeon if a particular fetish of yours is permitted before you attempt it. If you bring food, label the ingredients as many people have allergies. Meeting New Play Partners When I meet potential play partners it is my pleasure to meet for a non-pressure coffee to discuss your interests. I recommend most people do the same. Don't pressure someone after the meet to come to your place to play. They will be much too nervous to enjoy. Once the person is at home and in a comfort zone, they can think about what you discussed and then decide if getting more intimate is for them. Always do a scene negotiation before you play. SadistFaction started his website in 2001. He owns a dungeon space (with several play stations and lots of toys) that he rents to couples or for private play parties. He is open to meeting people who are interested in learning about the lifestyle. He has spoken about BDSM and kink in the media. He was a consultant for the Television program KINK season 2 filmed in Montreal, has been on the Dr. Laurie show Passion, interviewed by the by the Journal de Montreal (the above photo is from that), http://vice.com, and volunteers at the Everything To Do About Sex Show dungeon booth. Currently he does Spanking and Wax Play Workshops for the local community and is the Dungeon Master at many events. He can be found on Fetlife (user name: SadistFaction) or his website ATTITUDES.CA
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5 TIPS FOR DATING A MALE PORN STAR
by Adhimu Stewart aka Malcolm Lovejoy Gather 'round, good people! Ladies, women, girls (over 18!) and all femme-identified individuals in the world that have this dream: I can show & tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a male porn star! Are you sick of throwing up in your mouth a little bit every time you listen to the opinions and thoughts of the average man trying to pick you up at the bar or in the club? Are you fed up with being catcalled and wolf-whistled when you walk down the street or go to the mall? Are you infuriated by the overwhelming mountain of obnoxious and offensive texts and emails you get every day in your Plenty of Fish/OKCupid/Tinder/Facebook/online profile, and you're just about ready to delete every account and picture you ever put on the internet? Well, don't do it just yet, please! Yes, I know: the state of modern men is outright dangerous to erotically engage with at worst, if not rather atrocious, depressing, uninspiring, and downright frustrating at best. Dating is a disaster zone where few people escape with their heart and happiness intact, and courtship rituals in Western civilization have drastically decomposed since the days of cowboys and dainty misses, where a man could not even speak to a woman in public if he had not been formally introduced to her, or she didn't wave him over with one of the many signals she possessed in her arousal arsenal, whether it be fanning her face rapidly, or dropping her handkerchief demurely. In 2017, the male courtship ritual might consist of sending a dick pic and a "I'm ready, u up?" text message at 2:13 AM to any woman he can! But, (pardon to use a cliche) NOT ALL MEN are guilty of such callous, selfish and dysfunctional relationship-building behaviour! I, Adhimu Stewart, am a Canadian feminist porn actor, and Professional Love Maker. I have sex with women on camera, and with people for their private fantasies off-camera, too! So, let me tell you what it's like to have a relationship with a porn star (in the making), for those who are curious! Sexy Revelations: 1) No two porn stars are exactly alike, therefore no two relationships with porn stars will be alike. Some porn stars specialize in penis size, muscles, domination, team-sex scenes, rough talk & action, or romantic, story-telling driven vignettes. And who he is on camera may only be a percentage of who he is off-camera! I know that there are things I do privately that I have chosen not to do sexually and publicly, for my own reasons. Every man may be the same, to a lower or higher degree. Will he want different sex with you than he has at work? Probably. Will you want to have a personalized experience with a porn star at home? Maybe it can happen! This may be one of the perks to dating a porn star. And this is what is called: a BENEFIT. Such as the benefits of bliss I felt when I recently made love to a ballerina!! So, yes. It will probably be quite different than any other relationship you have ever had. His average day will probably consist of him being naked, if not him having sex with someone, if not more than one person... so there's that. 2) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Have you ever played hockey with an NHL player? Ever played basketball with an NBA star? Hell, have you ever played tennis with a Wimbledon champion? The experience is guaranteed to be something more intense than just playing a little pick-up game with your neighbors. Your sex, your conversations about sexual boundaries, your understanding of possible relationships, even your every day little interactions are probably going to be much more extreme than usual. I consider myself a sexual athlete, and I like to work up a sweat when I throw down in the bedroom (or bathroom, or living room, or...) Being with a porn star may take you to your sexual physical limits... and maybe past them!! Know yourself, and what you can handle. And if you want to take yourself beyond the limits you've felt with all previous men... then buckle up, and get ready to feel fantasy on a deeper level than you've ever known... Overtime in Game 7 of the Playoffs type magic! 3) It could become high-profile, even when you think you're low-key. I was walking with a lover to an event we had planned on attending together, and within 5 minutes, I had seen three different people from different places and circles of connection. My partner at the time was like "You are so popular! Is there ever a day when it's not like this for you? Can you go anywhere and be alone?" To which I replied "Not really!" So, being with someone that does porn MIGHT reduce your public incognito possibilities, if you are walking around with them. If they are very famous, you may get your own fame just by social media association. As we neared this event, I actually was tangled between three different lovers/former lovers/possible lovers all at once in the same subway station! I introduced them all to each other, and then laughed. #pornlife 4) Do you care what people think? It's one thing to have your privacy threshold reduced... but it's another thing to be exposed to more popularity for dating a porn star, and NOT be comfortable with it! There are levels to this biz. Do you care if your parents know? Do you care what your boss thinks? Do you mind if your drinking and smoking buddies are privy to this info? Does it matter to your extended family if you are dating someone "like that"? I'm not a fool. I am a lucky guy and I'm a evolved intellectual as well. I know most parents wouldn't be completely and totally comfortable with their daughter bringing home a porn star and saying "Mom and Dad, meet Malcolm Lovejoy! Yes, he is a nice guy. Where does he work? Oh, you can see his work online!" We are not living in a society that enlightened as yet, but I'm working on getting everyone there (have you seen my work? I'm not ashamed of it at all! But, I digress.) If you care what people think about your relationship, whether it's your parents or your friends on Facebook, then you will have to work that out internally, if your happiness is worth public judgement (hint: IT ALWAYS IS. But that's for you to choose...) 5) Are you the jealous type of girlfriend? Because if you are, your future with someone who has sex with other people for a living, then... you either are going to have to get REALLY GOOD at turning a blind eye and ear to where your boyfriend was all day yesterday or last night, or start accepting that maybe, just maybe, sex can be like any and every other human interaction humanity conducts every day. There is no reason that porn stars can't be treated like a gynecologist treats their patients or actors treat their co-stars. Porn is a job, and it is very possible (actually, it's pretty necessary and vital) to leave work at work when you go home at the end of the day of shooting porn. I don't have any on-going relationships with any of the lovely women I have shot porn with in the last 6 months. We are friends, and I may spend time with them in other ways, which is nice, but I don't mix business and pleasure in that way too often. I'd like to with a few porn stars, but I understand why many don't. It gets complicated, but it it manageable if you are honest. Every question a lover wants to know about my porn life, I will tell her only one answer: the truth. I have nothing to hide. I show my most recent STI tests to anyone that wants to know if I'm clean. I admit whether I shot a scene with or without condoms. Some days on a porn set don't even involve any penis-in-vagina sex! So, you never know what kind of day it will be, thus the jealousy can be taken apart through moment-to-moment scenarios. I'm coming home to you, and I'm not lying to you about anything I've done, so I promise to stay faithful to giving you love, passion, friendship, trust, joy and honesty. And TRUST ME, there are FEW things more sexy than being together with your partner and watching a porn movie they made... then getting inspired by it to do your own hot sexy stuff right after watching it! That's just the tip of the iceberg of being with a porn star. But I'm not your average porn star, so smile mileage may vary. If you want to know more, just ask me! Email: mindbendersupreme@gmail.com Twitter: mindbendermind Facebook: Dr. Malcolm Jackson Lovejoy In Love and Joy, Malcolm aka Adhimu Stewart "Malcolm Lovejoy is the porn star of the future. A renaissance man like no other in adult entertainment, he is a romantic enthusiast on levels that would make Casanova proud. His feminist-focused approach to all things pornographic pushes his work into a category unlike most men in porn, as Malcolm's passion for providing multi-orgasmic satisfaction for his partners before spending time trying to give a money shot, his unparalleled oral skills, tender touch and ultra-athletic action-packed sex style makes Malcolm's porn a beautiful vision to behold for everyone lucky enough to see it! And in his first 2 years of filming, he has explored a wide variety of adult content, from heterosexual pleasure, to bondage & submissive play, female ejaculation scenes, solo masturbation, transgender scenes, sci-fi sex, pornographic music videos, and so much more. With over 50 scenes filmed thus far, and more on the way, his plans for 2017 and beyond are nothing but bring more of Malcolm Lovejoy's boundless beauty and sacred sexuality to the world for all people to be endlessly educated and entertained by..." The Plight of The Mistress Mindset
By Frank Kermit The women who enter into affairs with married men behind a wife’s back seem to take on the wrath of society. When the genders are reversed and it is the wife cheating, society tends to take a more compassion view towards the cheating wife wondering what unfulfilled needs caused her to seek out an extra marital affair. Yet when it is a husband cheating on his wife, it seems to trigger a societal rage, and some of that rage gets directed at the mistress involved. If the marriage were an open relationship where the wife was aware and consenting to the extra martial relationship, it would no longer be an affair, and there would not be as much cause for the raw hatred because the core issues of trust and abandonment are not being violated. In that case it is likely, as with a number of open relationship couples, that the wife would also have the awareness and consent of the husband to pursue her own paramours. But the plight of the mistress is not all enveloped in the wrath of fury thrust upon her by the people affected by such an affair. It is not her potential broken heart from unfulfilled promises or ending up alone when a husband decides to work things out with his wife. It is not even how her friends and family may distance themselves from her if and when her role as a mistress comes to light. The true plight of a mistress is the danger of the repeating behavior pattern she is enforcing when she enters into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. The longer any person continues to develop attachment and experience in emotionally unavailable relationships, the stronger the predisposition of her mindset to repeat that behavior pattern. The best way to safeguard herself from getting stuck in that repeating behavior pattern is to break it before it starts either by refusing to date a man who seeks to cheat on his wife, or to end things immediately when she discovers that the man she was dating was in fact married and hiding it. In the latter example, it is unfortunate to report that many women continue to see him, regardless of being lied too, because of how she already feels attached to him. The advice of how she feels cannot be the most important thing, when in the process of trying to break a repeating behavior pattern, is simply unpopular with such women and is part of the reason she is likely to continue repeating it. Like any unhealthy addiction, the longer we do something that is not good for us, the harder it becomes to stop doing it. Being a mistress becomes normalized the longer you do it, to the point where, single men who would be interested in a serious relationship with you, would turn you off. This is why many mistresses actually end up losing interest in their married lovers once the wives dump those men after the affair becomes public. Part of the attraction is all the intrigue and emotional range from biting forbidden fruit, the naughtiness of having something you aren’t suppose to have, the drama of anticipating the next spontaneous secret rendezvous and so on. Eligible single male candidates who are not cheating on anyone simply aren’t as alluring for women trapped in the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. My hopes are that any mistresses who are reading this will see herself and seek out some form of therapy, counseling or coaching to help break the repeating behavior pattern of the mistress mindset. You obviously have lots of love to give, and the world definitely needs people with love to give. It is just a matter of healing and learning to give love to the right people. Frank Kermit Sexually Incompatible Couples
By Frank Kermit Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. However, couples who love each other dearly and connect on so many levels, but whom are sexually incompatible tend to find that sex can be at the core of a number of their issues. It is not easy to want to build a relationship with someone that simply does not connect with you well sexually. Those couples who face this situation often cite the fact that in every other way the person they are with is truly their best option and is the person they want to build a future with. Acceptance is one of the ways to deal with this situation, however it is easier said than done. This involves simply accepting your partner as is, without the desire to change your partner, and for you to modify your sexual tastes by attempting experiences to reprogram what it is you find sexually satisfying to be able to better connect to your partner on the level your partner is at. This requires a good amount of work on yourself, and can also result in some harbored feelings of resentment towards your partner, even if intellectually you can rationalize your situation. For example, it turns out your partner was sexually abused as a child, and is unable to have certain sexual experiences with you, so you simply accept that parameters and limitations of your sex life, and finds ways for you to sexually function within those boundaries. However, this option may not be easy to do, especially if there are other issues in the relationship that you may resent your partner for, which can get lumped in with (and perhaps fueled by) your sexual frustrations. Another option can be to find a compromise that would be a middle ground between you and your partner. It could just come down to the two of you taking turns about who gets their main sexual needs met each time you engage in sex. For example, if you are both very dominate personalities and like being in the dominate role, you may have to take turns being dominate so that you both get some maximum sexual satisfaction with each turn. There are couples that take the route to experiment with more open relationship structures and explore non-monogamy. This involves bringing in other people into the bedroom, or allowing a partner to satisfy certain sex needs with other people that the primary partner is unable or unwilling to satisfy. Although this can successfully work for many couples, it is not for everyone, as any non-monogamous relationship structure requires a free flow of communication between the couple and extra care to address the self-esteem of each individual in the couple as well as any other individuals that participates. For example, one member of the couple has a particular sexual fetish that the primary partner has no interest in taking part in, but allows for the member to experience it with others. It is better to have the primary partner be involved on some level (supervision, or at least in helping choose the other people involved), but depending on factors like jealousy, compersion or open mindedness, has not always proven to be needed. Whatever path you choose to attempt, always keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with your partner. You are simply different, and if you are unable to appreciate that in your partner there will always be other people that want your partner as is. Never take your partner for granted. Frank Kermit Should a Male Virgin Pay For Sex? by Frank Kermit For the record, I must issue a disclaimer that I am not against prostitution. I think that as long as it is between consenting adults, it is no one's business. I think sex work needs to be decriminalized and legal. With that said... Every now and then, when people find out that I coach Adult Male Virgins (AMVs) they ask why don't AMVs simply pay for sex and get it over with. Yup, that is right. As I describe in my THE ADULT MALE VIRGINS HANDBOOK EBOOK The same people that would scorn a man for being an AMV, scolding him for paying a hooker or escort for sex, also scorn him for not having done so yet. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
A woman that views sex with a man as a mere transaction, has no motivation to see him become independent of her nor is she likely happy for him if he finds a girlfriend or wife that he would be monogamous with. His independence would directly affect her bottom line. Every AMV that I have ever coached that paid for sex, (still emotionally a virgin if not a physical one) still felt the emptiness of never feeling loved by a woman. And that does not get solved by paying for sex. Sure, it solves some of the physical cravings, at least temporarily until they come up again. But it does not address the emotional needs and desires of wanting to be wanted by someone that does not need to be paid.
The Paradox: Paying for sex is for guys that can already get sex without paying for it. So, if you were thinking that paying for sex will solve the problem... I can tell you from the experience of my client base...and those that attended my Adult Male Virgin Seminars who shared their stories, it does not. It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
P.S. Do you Agree With This Article? Disagree? Have something to Add? Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you. What Seeking Arrangements Does Not Tell You: The Secrets of Seeking Arrangements By Frank Kermit Originally written in 2015, updated April 24, 2018 Seeking Arrangements is a website that calls itself a dating site that targets young, attractive women in their late teens and early twenties, to help them meet financially established, usually older men who want to trade major financial support (averaging 3000$ a month) for a negotiated form of companionship. It entices the girls by describing the men as financially stable, experienced in dating, willing to pamper with shopping sprees and expensive gifts and travels, and also potentially offering valuable guidance and mentoring (i.e. career-wise) aiming for long term stability. It entices the men involved by describing the benefits of no strings attached relations, readily available girls at his discretion, and that the number of sugar babies to sugar daddies is a whopping 8 to 1. On the one hand, as long as everyone involved is an adult, and enters into such an agreement of their own free will, then the only real issue is whether or not such an arrangement is legal where the two adults live. There are places where prostitution is perfectly legal and The Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up isn't actually all that different from prostitution. To understand what makes the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby set up similar to prostitution is that when a sugar daddy falls on hard times, loses his source of income or tries to negotiate a lower rate of exchange; it is very likely that his pseudo girlfriend can no longer offer him that brand of companionship and quickly ends the arrangement. The fact that it is just like prostitution in this regard is not the problem. I do not believe in judging anyone for entering into the sex trade; because everyone has their own reasons to take part it in (both the sex-worker and the client). To be clear, I believe the prostitution should be decriminalized and have nothing against people that pay for sex and companionship, and the people that provide the services of sex and companionship. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, and they are made aware of the consequences of their involvement, not just the positives.
There are ramifications to taking part of this lifestyle that only come to the attention of those involved when it is too late. For the girls involved these risks may include living with the possibility that someday in the future, their involvement in this could be revealed and affect them in ways they never considered. For example, if they wanted to keep it a secret from a her future employer, life partner or her children's friends but it was made public because a former sugar daddy (or someone with access to his estate) upload evidence on the Internet of her time as a sugar baby. Some former sugar babies end up struggling financially, because they become so accustom to the lavish lifestyle their sugar daddies offered, that having to work for a living, usually making less money, causes them to rack up debt very quickly. Just because she is being taken care of now, does not mean she is being taught to be independent. Trying to find a sugar daddy when she is older, and beyond the demographic of the sugar daddy target audience, becomes a terrible rude awakening for these women. It is not a coincidence that Seeking Arrangements and other services like it specifically aim to recruit young, attractive women in their early twenties. Older women in those circles are more expected to take on the role of a Sugar Mommy and offer support to younger, attractive men. It is the same arrangement, with the reversal of genders. Finally those of my female clients that were former sugar babies, now struggle with finding a life partner in part because her standards are so high and out of proportion with the kinds of men that would actually date her, and those men she would be interested in dating, would not want to date her given her past as a sugar baby, or they are too shallow to date a woman closer to his own age. Although some sugar babies are getting degrees in higher education, not all are, and not all sugar babies finish their degrees. Many of them may even not be considering how the gaps in their resume will affect them. How does she explain how she made a living during certain periods of her life, yet has no work experience to show for that time? It is because of such gaps, these women struggle to find work outside of the sex industry. (Sugar baby isn't exactly a high-ranking resume credential for jobs outside of sex work). One sex worker I interviewed for an old audio production I did, stated that this particular snafu was one of the reasons that made it so challenging for working girls to get out of the business. The consequences for the men involved are different. It seems there is less of a stigma for men that pay for the services of the sex industry, than there is for the girls who work in the sex industry. The real risk in paying for companionship, attention, and sex, is that it dulls a man's ability to know what is socially acceptable behavior on an actual date. Those of my male clients who were involved for years with such arrangements get used to being told what they want to hear, thus they never learn through legitimate social experience that their behavior is actually creepy and turns women off. When these men behave exactly the same way, dating women they are not paying to be there, they get their own rude awakenings through massive rejection and abandonment, never understanding what they did wrong. Real life dating is as much a learning experience about social acceptability as it is to find a compatible partner. When a man pays for sex as the outcome, and it is a pre-determined guarantee regardless of what he says or how he behaves, he does not learn how to attract or interact with women in a way that encourages a woman to want to continue spending time with him (let alone have sex). When trying to understand the true nature of what the girls involved should expect seeking an arrangement, I would tell them this: If a man only wanted the companionship of a woman who was not interested in having sex with him, he could easily do so with every woman who he asked out and rejected him, but who offered to stay just-friends. And even in those cases, some men still stuck around hoping to get more from her than she was offering. Be careful out there folks. If you had a Sugar Arrangement and are struggling to get back into the regular dating realm, sign up for Frank Coaching. Frank Kermit P.S. I was quoted in another article about the Sugar Baby Industry. Please go see Sugar Daddies: The Quick Cash
#sugarbaby #sugarbabybeauty #sugarbabyneeded #sugarbabylifestyle #sugarbabywebsite #sugarbabywanted #sugarbabylife #sugarbabysecond #sugarbabybear #sugarbabybearfriends #sugarbabyproblems #sugarbabylove #sugarbabydating #Sugarbaby #sugardaddy #sugardaddyapp #sugardaddysite #sugardaddymeet #sugardaddyseekinghissugarbaby #sugardaddyrelationship #sugardaddyallowance #sugardaddyfinder #sugardaddytravel #sugardaddywebsite #Sugardaddys #sugardaddydating #SugarDaddy #sugardaddyhunting #sugardaddyseeking #sugardaddysnightclub #sugardaddyforme #sugardaddysites #sugardaddyfoundation #sugardaddyhunters #sugardaddywanted #sugardaddysnyc #sugardaddygoals #sugardaddydatingsite #sugardaddyneeded #seekingarrangement #sugardaddy #sugardaddydating #sugardaddywanted #sugardaddies #paytoplay #cashcow #callgirls #blondegirls #polishgirls #workinggirls #hookers #payyourbills #money #formoney #girlsjustwannahavefunds #howtomarryamillionaire #spoilsme #spoiledme #letstalksugar #allowance #sugarbaby #sugargirl #sugardaddyneeded #mysugardaddy #visual #artist #seeking #patron The Ashley Madison Affair Re-thinking our relationships and the practice of monogamy By Frank Kermit Ashley Madison, a website that caters to individuals in seemingly monogamous relationships and who are looking for a discreet affair, has been hacked. This means that the discretion and secrecy promised to its membership has been compromised, with full personal information of customers now made publicly available for anyone to download them. The aftereffects, according to various media sources, include suicide of those exposed (at least two thus far attributed directly to the hack), cheating partners confessing their indiscretions to prepare partners for the fallout, a number of people targeted for extortion who are blackmailed into either paying up or having their information further exposed to family and friends, credit card cancellations to avoid illegal identity thefts, a growing number of lawsuits against the website and a big reward offered by the company that owns Ashley Madison to help catch the hackers responsible for the revelation. What is not so publicized is that not everyone uncovered in this scandal is a person in a monogamous relationship attempting to have a secret affair. Single men and women looking for casual sex with other singles do join this kind of site. Also overlooked are couples that agree to have some kind of non-monogamous relationship and find it easier to discover other open-minded individuals through a site like Ashley Madison rather than attempt to find discreet partners through other means. I wonder how some of the couples affected by this will cope. Affairs unto themselves do not necessarily end relationships. It is how a couple copes with the broken trust and how they examine the lack of fulfilling emotional needs that will determine whether or not their relationship will survive this challenging issue. In moments of crisis, we may find new opportunities to reach a level of honesty with ourselves and our partners that could put an end to behaviors of betrayal and potentially help rebuild our relationships on more solid foundations. Maybe it is time for some individuals to accept that monogamy is simply not something they are capable of or interested in pretending to exemplify anymore, or to recognize that they have taken their partner for granted and fostered extreme neglect that pushed them away. Perhaps what could be the most desirable outcome of this entire situation is that, with the right guidance, singles and couples struggling with fidelity may finally learn to be honest with others about their sexual needs and questioning whether they may or may not have neglected their partner’s needs, which led in part to their current predicament. Surely the one thing most people can agree on in the aftermath of this revelation is that, if so many people publicly identify as monogamous but aren’t actually practicing monogamy, then maybe we all need to re-think our relationships and expectations as a society regarding monogamy. One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on. More to the point, monogamy is not for everyone, and neither is a non-monogamous relationship. However, people can make either relationship structure work with the right partner. It takes being honest with themselves first, and learning to communicate their needs to their partners. One sure thing that my practice of coaching has proven time and time again is that people and relationships are much more complex than the sensationalism mass media would rather you focus on. While some in the public are praising the hacker group who committed this act in the name of some moral calling, I cannot help but wonder what their next target will be. Their motivation is based on what they find immoral, which means anyone doing anything that is counter to their personal code of ethics could be targeted. Will abortion clinics be next? Perhaps it will be hospital records, to reveal patient medical conditions because of some righteous stance on what diseases are more culpable to have than others, or government offices willing to file marriages (same-sex, inter-faith, inter-race, age-gap) that they disapprove of. Could we see a shaming campaign against sexually active adults who are members of regular dating websites? Perhaps disrupting legal proceedings will be next because some hackers out there feel that divorce proceedings are contrary to their code of ethics. Evidently, the hacker groups are powerful enough to carry about these threats. Something to think about if you happen to be amusing yourself with the effects of watching people’s lives unfold in the wake of the hacking of Ashley Madison. Frank Kermit |
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