Fights don't mean the whole marriage has to crumble. This contributed post examines whether there are really any insurmountable hurdles in a marriage.
Every couple fights. Most couples have at least one or two (if not more) fights that go deep and shake your confidence in a relationship. If you’re married, these cracks can be even scarier. But that doesn’t mean you have to let the whole thing crumble. Here, we’re going to look at disagreements, wrongdoings, and fights, and whether there really are any insurmountable hurdles in a marriage.
Differences and similarities
One of the biggest issues that tend to creep up in a marriage over time is when you start to notice that not all of your plans are the same as your partner’s. The practicalities of future life, employment, where you live, children, and the core principles that make you who you are aren’t easy to discover all at once. You have to make an effort to talk about the future with your partner. Talk about specific plans, greatest desires, ambitions, and more at length. Mishaps and small fights can be nothing but pebbles on the road to growing into a better understanding and respect of one another. However, if you don’t share a vision of the future that at least meets in the middle, tension is only likely to increase as time goes on.
Get a sense of perspective
Sometimes you can see the forest for the trees. The same can be said of a marriage. You cannot be impartial, and it is nothing more than ego to believe that you can. One of the biggest benefits of marriage counseling is the chance to involve someone who doesn’t have an emotional investment in the relationship. The impartiality and lower risk of bias can help you and your spouse view things with a little more distance from a new perspective. It can help you divorce yourself from the gut reactions that turn disagreements into fights and wrong-doings into vendettas.
Listen without blame
Social relationships involve a lot of give and take. We are naturally inclined to “keep tally”, whether it’s seeing who has the upper hand, who owes what, or to assert a moral high ground. In marriages, this is extremely dangerous. Even when you have been wronged, if you want to repair the relationship, you have to listen to your partner’s concerns. Even if they sound like excuses, even if it’s for a transgression as deep as cheating, communication is crucial. You have to listen, to share your own thoughts, and repeat. In time, with enough honesty on both sides, the conceits start to fall away, and you can address the fears and insecurities that often lie at the heart of the original transgression.
Though it may be easier than ever to back out of it, your marriage commitment represents more than just a relationship with another human being. It represents your ability to commit, period. Commitment involves sacrifice and hardship, not just agreeing to a long-term status quo. There are some insurmountable hurdles in marriages, that can’t be denied. But you have to try to surmount them before you can make that judgment in good faith.
Forget basic! Step up your game and throw your friend a bachelor party he will never forget (and for great reasons, not because he was too drunk to remember it) Read more in this contributed post.
Bachelor parties are, by nature, wild. But if the bachelor’s already a wild guy with high demands then there’s even more pressure on the best man or the bachelor’s group of friends to throw an insane party. Forget strip clubs or bars. That’s the stereotypical formula for a bachelor party, and it’s too basic. You need to step up your game. If you want to leave your party-animal friend speechless then you need to give them a night that’ll almost top their wedding day itself. Here are some crazy ideas to give you some inspiration.
A road trip.
This is the perfect option for the indecisive party planner. If you’re struggling to think of a single thing that’ll make your bachelor buddy happy on their bucks night then why not do everything? You could even surprise them by only telling them this once you get in the car. They’ll ask where you’re going, and you can tell them you’re heading out on the open road. Try to keep each destination secret so as to make it even more special when you see the surprised look on their face as you arrive at different places.
You could even hire a cool car for the trip. Maybe you could get an RV if you’ll want to be able to crash into bed at the end of a long night/morning. Or if you think your buddy will want to look cool as you cruise from destination to destination then you could hire a sports car. Whatever the vehicle, the point is that you and your buddies will head off on a fun journey together. With snacks in the car and great tunes on the radio, you’ll have the makings of a great party before you’ve even reached any destinations.
A boat party.
Why drink beers in a bar or a club when you can drink them on a boat? Your friend will expect you to go big or go home when it comes to organising their last night as a free man. There’s no better way to do that than by hiring a boat for the evening and having a wild time out on the ocean, a lake, or even a marina. You might want to check out local charter options for bucks parties in your area. The cooler the boat, the cooler the evening. You could have a night of playing poker, drinking, or even enjoying entertainment that you hire for the boat (that doesn’t have to involve a stripper, of course).
Away from the bright lights of the city with its loud bars and clubs, you might think that there’s no way you could throw a wild bachelor party in nature. But the best parties only need a group of close friends (and maybe a few packs of booze). That’s why you should organise a camping trip for your friend’s big night. Forget the smartphones and all other aspects of the modern world. Have a tipsy night in a forest. You could play drinking games around a fire, tell each other funny stories, and just have a great night.
You don't have to be ashamed of your second wedding. Make it memorable! Read this contributed post for some ideas.
Getting married should be a time to celebrate. However, some people find it difficult to enjoy their second wedding as it can often feel like their first set of nuptials overshadows this latest ceremony. It can also be difficult if your family has been split ever since the breakdown of your first marriage - you might find that some of your relatives do not share your current joy and excitement about your upcoming wedding.
You might think that a second wedding needs to be very demure and not as elaborate as your first. That really isn't the case, though - it’s still OK to have the special day that you have always dreamed of, even if you’ve had one before! Here are some tips that will help you organize your next marriage.
You Can Still Wear White
Some brides think that they can’t wear a white wedding dress for the second time. After all, the white traditionally stands for innocence, and you might not be so innocent the second time around! But you shouldn’t listen to the traditionalists - you can wear whatever you want at your wedding. So, if you have your eye on a gorgeous white wedding dress, go for it!
Involve Your Kids
As second weddings often occur later in life, you might have children with your first partner or a previous relationship. If this is the case, you should involve them in the ceremony. For instance, your daughter could be a flower girl and follow you down the aisles in a pretty dress with a gorgeous mini bouquet. Boys will enjoy being page boys or ushers.
It Doesn’t Have To Be Modest
As I’ve previously mentioned, most people think that a second wedding needs to be fairly modest and demure. However, this really isn't the case. Just because you’ve already had one elaborate ceremony and reception doesn’t mean that you can’t go and do it all again! Of course, this time you might know just how stressful planning such a day can be. So, you might want to get details for a wedding planner who can help you with all the organization. There’s no point being super stressed for a second time and trying to do it all yourself, is there?!
Consider A Prenup
You’ve been here before and you know just how awful it is when a marriage starts to break down. Not only is there a lot of emotional stress to go through, but you will also have to deal with the legal aspect. If you don’t have a prenup in place, you will find that you might have to battle it out in court to get your share of all the family's finances. Are you sure you want to go through all of that again? I doubt it! So, it’s a good idea to discuss a prenup before you do get wed again. This will detail how your finances will be split in the event of a divorce, and will make all the potential legalities a lot easier to handle.
Enjoy your return to the altar!
What Makes Couples Last According To A Professional Montreal Relationship Coach
Facts about love that make sense.
by Irene Terehova
Throw Back Thursday.
An interview between Irene Terehova and Frank Kermit for MTL Blog from 2016
A very common problem I see in modern relationships is the longevity struggle. Relationships and marriages don't last. Break ups and divorces are at an all time rise. Why is this happening? Why are Montrealers losing patience and not willing to work harder? Is giving up on love the right way to go?
So I got in touch with Frank Kermit today, a Montreal based relationship and dating coach, in hopes of finding the truth in this confusing subject matter. Frank gave a beautiful and easy breakdown to my two simple questions.
Why do modern couples break up and divorce so often, Frank?
"The difference between a couple that lasts and a couple that divorces all comes down to their emotional needs. Each individual has a set of emotional needs. Although the emotional needs tend to be similar from person to person, each individual has a unique profile detailing, which emotional needs are more important and which ones are less important. A person with a high degree of the emotional need fear of abandonment will react very differently than a person with a lower degree of that same emotional need.
Couples come together because the emotional needs of both people are addressed when they are involved with each other. Couples break apart (separation and divorce) when the emotional needs of one (or both) of the people are very violated.
The emotional needs of an individual can also change over time. [...] For example, a person who is at a stage of life where their children are grown and they have arranged for financial security that is not dependent on any particular employer may not place too much importance on an emotional need like protection of reputation, as the person may have done at a younger age. So it can happen where a couple [who has been] together for a long time, have changed as individuals and thus their emotional needs have changed, and their relationship as it stands, can no longer address their particular new emotional needs."
What needs to be changed in order to make modern relationships last?
The only thing that really would have to change that would be realistic, is for people to learn the skills needed to manage their abundance of choice.
Today’s singles and couples have unlimited choice as to how they can manage their relationships and sex lives, but as I teach it, the power of choice, without the knowledgeable skills to know what to do with that power, can lead to a misery so great, it can sometimes be worse than living in a system of oppression that meets human beings basic needs.
[...] A person can choose to date, get married, have children, live together, not date at all, be child-free, be a single parent, date multiple people at the same time, have multiple sex partners at the same time, even have polyamourous multi-partner romantic relationship families. The sky is no longer the limit, as the freedom of choices for how people choose to manage their romantic lives has reached beyond the stars.
[...] A person that does not know him or her self, their personal boundaries, or who has never thought critically about what is in their own best long term interest is at a disadvantage, and may end up choosing the wrong partners to get involved with, and worse…could potentially walk away from a great life to choose a new partner and life that lands that person in emotional ruins.
Dating and Relationship Coach
Author of 15 books and 20 audio lectures sets, including:
The Emotional Needs of Women Analysis Workbook
The Emotional Needs of Men Analysis Workbook
Has your relationship lost it's spark? Read some advice in this contributed post which can help you with your relationship.
Relationships are tough. When things aren’t going well, many people feel that it is easier to throw in the towel rather than fight for what they have. If you are currently struggling with your partner, we are going to talk you through a few pieces of advice which could help you in your quest to save your relationship.
Of course, there are no quick fixes, and this advice isn’t here to suggest that you are going to be able to simply paper over the cracks. So, let’s run through a few pieces of advice which will hopefully come in useful to you.
Relight Your Spark
While a lot of people would think that yelling and arguing all the time would be the central cause of relationship breakdown, many of the main problems that exist in relationships come back to boredom and disinterest. When you get caught up in the day-to-day whirlwind of routine, you may forget the fact that a simple conversation with your partner and bring you closer together once again. In long-term relationships, talking often revolves around mundane or uninteresting topics rather than the type of personal closure that helps you really get to know another person.
So, try to set aside some time that you can spend with one another so that you can relight the spark in your relationship. Ask questions that go beyond the routine and try to get to know the person that you are sharing your life with in a more intimate way all over again.
Break Up the Usual Relational Patterns
There are plenty of potentially destructive patterns which can develop in a relationship which you need to be very wary of. For example, if you always enter a disagreement attempting to ‘win’ the argument rather than constructively repair the situation, this is something which you need to overcome in any way that you can. Often, these fights have predictable triggers, so you should try to stop a disagreement by discussing it calmly rather than letting it escalate into a full-blown fight. Try to substitute out any inflammatory words so that it doesn’t seem like you are launching a personal attack on your partner. Finally, you need to get a handle on your negative emotions so that you can regain your own sense of self-control.
Rediscover Your Sense of Touch
Simply touching your partner - particularly in times of high stress - is a direct way of showing compassion and feeling towards them. As well as this, it also helps to increase your sense of connection and closeness. The most destructive forms of interaction in a relationship include both defensive and offensive behaviours, but touch has been shown to help you re-establish the connection that you had temporarily lost. And the touch in question can be something as simple as a hand on the forearm.
Acknowledge Your Differences
There is no doubt that this is one of the most challenging parts of being in a relationship. Learning to acknowledge your differences without blaming each other in an argumentative way will stand you in good stead throughout the duration of your relationship. Talk about your differences in a calm way and don’t always try to force the other person to come round to your point of view. Discuss the ways that you react and respond differently when you are put in certain situations. However, you need to avoid doing this in a critical manner. Essentially, the better you know your partner, the more you will be able to understand their behaviour and their individual outlook on life.
Increase Your Commitment
Increasing the commitment that you have towards your partner can come in numerous different ways. Of course, you could stage a ceremony or renew the vows that you have already taken - even getting some wedding rings to symbolise this. There are also certain behaviours which diminish your sense of commitment in a relationship which you could look to cut out. For example, constant criticism has been found to diminish commitment in a relationship. Conversely, demonstrating some forgiveness will help to stop you chipping away at the sense of satisfaction that you helped to build in your relationship in the first place. Rather than personalising about things that go wrong in life and blaming your partner for all of them, you are much better off generalising about them.
Show Some Gratitude
Something as seemingly simple as expressing gratitude towards your partner can really help to increase your sense of closeness once again. Obviously, a partner who feels like they are appreciated is much more likely to be loving and supportive in the future. However, if either one of you feels like you are constantly doing things for the other person but getting nothing back in return, this can be potentially toxic in a relationship.
As we mentioned at the start, repairing a relationship and solidifying your commitment to one another is never going to be straightforward, but these are just a few of the tips which you can follow to help. Start by relighting the spark which attracted you to one another in the first place. Try out some different activities together and try to have some deeper conversations which go beyond the mundane and ordinary. If you have identified some toxic patterns which occur in your relationship, now is the time to replace them with more positive responses. It may have been a long time since you have actually touched one another, so try to do so in a way that is both loving and caring. Try to acknowledge the differences that you both have rather than constantly trying to ‘fix’ the other person or bring them round to your point of view. Increase the sense of commitment that you have towards one another, and you could even mark this with a ceremony. Finally, express your gratitude towards the other person and try to do something nice for them yourself.
Planning a destination wedding? Here are 4 simple tips outlined in this contributed post to help you plan your dream wedding.
A destination wedding is a dream for a lot of people. You get away from home, and you can often combine the wedding with your honeymoon. It gives you the option of marrying on a beach, in a castle, or wherever you might feel like it. However, they can get very expensive, even when your guests are paying their own way. If you're determined to have a destination wedding, you don't have to give up on your dream because you're on a tight budget. There are ways to save and get the wedding you both want without overspending.
Pick the Right Location
Choosing the right location is the first step you need to take to make sure your destination wedding isn't too expensive. This works best if you're not already set on going to any one place. You might have a certain type of setting in mind, whether it's an island or a mountain location. This still allows you plenty of flexibility to find a location that's right for you. If you are set on somewhere in particular, you can often still save money by choosing the less popular places or by going at the right time. Think about not just where you're going but whether the legal marriage process is expensive too.
Keep Your Guest List Small
Keeping to a small guest list is seen as an advantage for many people who want to have a destination wedding. In fact, it's the reason some people choose to go away to get married. You're not obligated to invite everyone, or you can bank on a lot of people not wanting to come. You probably still want close friends and family there, but you can avoid having to invite extended family members who you haven't spoken to in years. Draw up a small guest list, and you'll be able to save money, and perhaps even pay for the most important people to make it.
Choose a Package Wedding
One of the ways to save is by choosing a wedding package that gives you everything you need. It's an affordable way to plan your wedding, but it doesn't have to look cheap. Take a look at SweetHawaiiWedding.com to see what you could be picking if you choose to have your wedding in Hawaii. A package wedding doesn't mean you have no control. You often still have a choice of elements, and you can still make your own choices for things like your outfits too.
Get Group Discounts
If you're traveling as a group, it's a great way to make some savings. Using your power as a group booking, whether there's 15 or 50 of you, you can negotiate with everyone from airlines to hotels. You don't necessarily have to pay for everything for your guests, but if they're making an effort to come to your wedding, they'll appreciate you getting them a discount.
Your destination wedding doesn't need to be expensive at all. You can make it affordable and get the dream wedding that you want.
What Did Your Parents Teach You About Marriage?
by Frank Kermit
I posted this on my social media and have to say that the majority of the responses were very negative.
Here are some examples:
"If I was to answer honestly, not many good things"
"My parents taught me that I should never get married"
"That how they ran their marriage was no good"
At the time of publishing this post on the blog
there was only one possible response:
My parent's marriage taught me that it's important to be
trustworthy, honest and transparent with your partner
If you have parents that taught you how to have a great marriage,
it seems you may be among the lucky few.
If you come from parents
that were not able to teach you about marriage,
at least you learned from them what NOT to do
(which means you are halfway there).
I can teach you the other half.
Sign up for Coaching and let me take you through
My Emotional Needs Analysis system
so that you can have a GREAT MARRIAGE
and make your next serious relationship
#parents #parenting #gaydad #dad #parenthood #mother #children
#teach #tpt #iteach #teacherspayteachers #teacherlife #teachersfollowteachers #teaching #iteachtoo #classroom #learn #teacher #educate #education
#marriage #groom #instawedding #ceremony #weddingparty #weddingday #bride #weddingdress #bridesmaids #weddinggown #congrats #married
#romance #weddingcake #celebration #wife #husband #celebrate #congratulations #together #noiva #forever #forbetterorforworse #untildeathdouspart
SHARE YOUR STORY!
Did you know each other for years and slowly fall in love?
Were you recovering from an illness, and that person was there for you?
Did you bond over food, music, or hobbies?
Perhaps you worked together?
Happy Valentine's Day!
If you are lost in the world of wedding planning, this contributed post may help make it a little easier.
Planning a wedding can be very tough, if you’re in the middle of planning one, then I don’t need to tell you how hard it can be! There are so many different aspects and details that need to be thought about very carefully. Today, I want to help any wedding planners out there by giving you the main aspects of your wedding that you can’t afford to neglect. Nail these things, and your wedding will be a memorable success for everyone that attends.
Ensuring that you get the vows right is so important for your wedding. Nobody wants to deal with the awkwardness of a poorly prepared set of vows. If the two of you aren’t comfortable writing your own vows, then don’t force it! This should be THE moment of your wedding, that special part where dry eyes become wet. Just make sure that you know your vows, and you’re both comfortable saying them. This avoids any awkward moments at the altar.
Choosing the groomsmen and bridesmaids is a tough task that needs lots of attention. You need to ensure you make the right picks and don’t offend anyone. Don’t choose a handful of your core friend group to be your groomsmen or bridesmaids and leave out a couple of others. Either they’re all in, or none of them are in. Or, you can devise a fair way to decide between them all. Normally, it’s a good idea to choose family as these people because it means none of your friends will be upset.
The Send Off
The send-off happens right at the end of the ceremony as you and your partner walk hand in hand back down the aisle waving and beaming at all your guests. It’s a huge moment. It’s the moment that remains etched in people’s minds and signals the beginning of your marriage and the start of party time at the reception. There are loads of wedding send off ideas out there, ranging from the boring - having people throw rice over you as you walk out to the classic wedding theme - to the more elaborate - glitter, pom poms, sequins, and even live doves being released into the air. The choice is yours, just make sure you give this aspect some extra thought.
Naturally, your reception is just as important as your wedding ceremony. If anything, it might be more important that you get this right. It’s the part of your big day where everyone can have a real celebration and let their hair down. Make sure you pick a good location, have various food and drink options, and cater to anyone with dietary requirements. The aim here is just to make sure everyone has the best time possible and leaves with happy memories.
There you have it; the main aspects of your wedding that demand the most of your attention. Anything else I haven’t mentioned? Feel free to contribute some ideas of your own so we can all come together and help make wedding planning a whole lot easier!
Some wedding entertainment ideas are explored in this contributed post.
What’s the best part of a wedding? Is it getting to make your vows in front of all your nearest and dearest? Or is it the wedding breakfast and all the delicious goodies you’ll get to drink throughout the day? We all have our own favorite part of weddings, but I’m sure that most of the guests will agree that their favorite part is the evening party. This is after all of the usual formalities and when everyone can let their hair down.
Want to throw an evening wedding celebration that your friends and family will remember for the rest of their lives? Here are some great ideas that can help you get the wedding party started!
DJ And Disco
One of the usual options that you will find couples go with is a DJ and disco. After all, everyone loves a good old dance, and you will find that the best wedding DJ gets all of your guests up on their feet! A DJ will spin his records throughout the night and until the wee hours. If you want, you and your partner can let him or her know what type of music you prefer so that you can be sure that you will enjoy the music. Just make sure you add some classic wedding songs. After all, it’s not a wedding party if the DJ doesn’t play Lionel Richie!
As well as DJs, live bands are a very popular choice for evening wedding entertainment. This is an especially popular choice for couples who really enjoy music and regularly go to gigs. There will be lots of great wedding bands in your local area, so it’s a good idea to take a look and see who you can get to play on your special day. Whether you prefer rock music or jazz, I’m sure you will be able to find someone that plays your kind of tunes!
There are now lots of firms, such as http://www.bergenlimo.com/fleet/new-jersey-nj/, that hire out large party limos for various celebrations. Why not incorporate these into your wedding’s evening celebrations? This is a really great idea if your wedding ceremony is going to be in a different venue to your evening party. It’s a super fun way to get all your guests from A to B!
Do you have a few friends and relatives who love to sing? If so, then they will dive head first into a karaoke party! You can either hire a karaoke bar, such as one of the ones mentioned at http://www.refinery29.com/the-best-karaoke-bars-in-nyc, or you can rent a karaoke machine to take to your reception venue. Either way, I’m sure all of your guests will love showing off their vocal skills or lack thereof!
No matter which one of these you choose, you are sure to have a great wedding party!
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes