 Tips for Dating Criteria Checklists Tips for Your Dating Criteria Checklist by Frank Kermit When coaching someone that wants to STOP BEING SINGLE, it is important to examine that person's dating criteria. Sometimes, the reason that someone is forever stuck being single is the criteria itself. Here are some tips to make sure that your criteria is not holding you back: 1-Criteria that is Firm If you are firm in your criteria that you will not waiver on, then right or wrong, you should be explicit in expressing your criteria. This means if you are online dating, make sure your criteria is in your online dating profile. If you are discussing setting up a first date, express your criteria before you actually meet, so that you do not waste your time, or the time of the other person. Note: You will always have to screen and filter when dating. Even if you make your criteria clear, it does not always stop people from wanting you to give them a chance. 2-Is the Criteria Relevant? Next would be to explore if your criteria is actually relevant. Is it a matter of initial attraction? Lust? Is it relevant to a long term life plan? To help you figure out if your criteria is actually relevant; ask the question: Under what circumstances would that criteria not be important (if any)? If the criteria would not matter under a number of circumstances, then it is not a relevant criteria. 3-Is the Criteria Counter-Productive? Would her having such criteria turn off your potential target audience? Some people will be offended to your "fetish". For example, the members of the amputee community want relationships like any other people, but some resent being with a partner that has an amputee fetish. Would your criteria potentially turn off the very people that embody that criteria? Then you need to be ready to face a little more rejection in the process of dating until you find someone that appreciates your interests. 4-Is the Criteria Hypocritical? Do you get resentful if you get rejected when someone uses the same kind of criteria against you? If so, you need to rethink your criteria, because being a hypocrite can get in the way of your finding love when dating. For example, if you reject someone because they make less money than you, would you be upset if someone rejects you because you make less money than them? If you reject someone for their body type, would you be upset if someone rejected you because of your body type? If so, the best way to attract more open minded folks is to be more open minded. (You would be amazed how offended some people get in coaching when confronted about their hypocrisy) 5-Is the Criteria Reciprocal? Just because you have an ideal partner in mind, that does not mean that the person you seek, is seeking you. One of the hardest questions a coaching client must face, is if you are "worthy" of the affection of the person you are seeking. So, ask yourself if your ideal partner would be attracted to you. If the answer is "No", then it may be time to re-evaluate your goals in the next coaching session. 6-Is Your Criteria Demographic Realistic? Based, on your collective criteria, is there enough of a demographic for you to actually find someone to be with? When you put all your criteria together, does the composite person you are seeking even exist? Is there a large enough pool of candidates for you to date from? If not, get real. Get very real, very fast, or the only thing that you will guarantee is that you will continue to be single. Lets use a fun example: Let's say you have the criteria that you will ONLY date: -a working architect -currently living in your small town (you refuse to move and you refuse to engage in a long distance relationship) and then we do analysis of that demographic and find out: -there are only 3 architects in your small town, -one is retired (so not currently working) -one is married (not available) -one is of a sexual orientation that would not be attracted to you then your criteria for what is out there would not be realistic, and we can predict that you will continue to be single 7-Is Your Criteria Just An Excuse? And finally is this criteria actually a means to make it impossible for you to find someone? Some people have fears of intimacy that mask themselves as ridiculous criteria. Could this be your case here? It is easier to be thought of as "too picky" instead of "incapable of a relationship." When your criteria list is more vast than your list of skills that represent your ability to attract a partner, that is often a sign of some kind of fear of intimacy. It could be a fear of emotional intimacy, being vulnerable, a fear of physical sex, or even the fear of the responsibility that comes with getting romantically involved with others. If you are using your criteria as a means to keep people away, then definitely sign up for an hour of Coaching to see what Frank can do for you.  Sign Up for an Hour of Coaching to see what can be done for you.
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Relationships are not a race! Read this contributed post to see if you doing things that might mean you are rushing yours. When you think you’ve found the right person for your heart, your soulmate, it seems foolish to waste any more time. Indeed, when you are sure in your heart that you love your partner, you know that you need to act fast to move your relationship to the next level. Right? Well, in reality, you want to be cautious. Going too fast could be damaging for your couple. Of course, it’s a good thing to be enthusiastic about your relationship. But you need to make sure that you’re not rushing things faster than they should go. Both partners need time to establish themselves in a relationship, so that if you choose to speed up things too abruptly, your partner might feel like you’re stepping on their toes. While there’s no saying how fast is too fast, there are certain signs that can help you to adjust your pace to your partner’s.  Have A Serious Conversation About Your Future Before You Get Engaged Meeting is not the same than getting to know someone Love at first sight is an aberration. Of course, you might meet someone you find interesting, but it’s impossible to know them and appreciate them for who they are when you’ve just met. The same argument is valid for online dating tools, such as Grindr for PC and Mac. Take the time to get to know someone before you allow yourself to think you’re in love. The process of understanding someone takes time and effort, but it is worth every second of it. As you do, you can get to grow your feelings for each other and create new memories. In short, if you fall in love at first sight, you are already going to fast! How long before you should pop the question? Relationships take work all the time. While it doesn’t mean it’s hard work, it would also be a mistake to take your couple for granted. But as you work to make your couple grow, you might come to realize that you want the spend the rest of your life with that person. You want the house, the children and the pet that goes with it. You are ready for the full package. There is no right or wrong as to when you should pop the question, but you need to make sure your partner is on the same page. In other words, it doesn’t help to plan an engagement proposal if you haven’t had a serious conversation about your future first. Are you actually going to hurt yourself? Are you so exciting about your relationship that you may not notice that you’re acting a little over the top? For instance, if you find yourself celebrating weekly anniversaries, then you might put your partner in an awkward position. OTT romantic gestures can be risky at the beginning of your relationship, especially as it can be used as a manipulation tool by an unscrupulous partner. Additionally, if your relationship isolates you from your circle of friends and relatives, it’s time to slow down and try to make it work in the real world. In conclusion, the secret to a happy relationship is to go steady instead of fast. Taking the time to know and understand each other without creating overly romantic settings from Day One is the secret of making it work in the long term. Would you like to learn how to take your relationship from dating to something more serious? The 5 steps explored in this contributed post may help you with that.  Trust, Honesty and Communication Are Important In Any Relationship Relationships take work. We all know that. Men and women are so different, that when you’re trying to make a relationship work, you know that you’re going to have to compromise. By now, you should also know that trust, honesty, and communication, are all important too. But when you’ve fallen in love, you’re able to get that right, and you feel as if you’ve found someone that you can make a life with, you may be ready to move forward. If you want marriage, children, and everything that goes along with it, do you know how to get it? Do you know how you’re going to take that leap from dating to something more serious? Here are five steps that will help you to do that. 1. Make Sure You’re On The Same Page Before you jump in with the idea of moving forward, you’re going to want to make sure that you’re both thinking along the same lines. Because you may be ready to make the next step, but she might not be thinking the same. So don’t just assume. Make sure that you have that conversation. Be sure to be frank and stay how you feel and what your intentions are. When you know that you’re both on the same page, then point two is a great next step for you both. 2. Move In Together If you’re not already living together, then this is often a good first step. You’d be surprised by how many couples think that they’re perfect for each other. But when they live together, they realize that they go that so wrong! So make sure that you spend some time living together and getting to know each other's habits and quirks before you make a more permanent commitment. Although you should be able to work through any issue, that isn’t always the case when you know you’re not meant to be. 3. Plan The Engagement When you’re happy that things are going well, and you still feel the same way after months of living together, it’s time to plan your proposal. Take an idea from something like https://www.shutterfly.com/ideas/proposal-ideas/ if you need inspiration. Just make sure that your engagement plans are suitable for you as a couple and will be something she loves. 4. Shop For The Diamond This is something that you can do before the proposal, or after. Find a jeweler or diamond supplier, such as https://diamondexpert.com/blue-nile-review/, that you think will create the perfect ring. She will wear this forever, so this step is always crucial. 5. Start The Wedding Preparations And finally, now that she’s accepted and you’ve put a ring on it, then you’re going to want to start thinking about planning the wedding. This is something that she might want to take full control of. Because a lot of women have dreamt about their weddings days for a long time. And if you’re impartial to what happens on the day - let her do what she likes. Whether you plan this for a year, less, or more, just make sure that it’s right. There’s no need to rush, because now you’re already moving forward and you know you’ll spend the rest of your lives together. Blind Dates don't have to be a nerve racking experience. Enjoy the moment by utilizing some of these top tips for a successful blind date as you read this contributed post.  Patio Date If you are going on a blind date, you may be feeling nervous and anxious about the experience. What should you talk about? What if there are any awkward silences? What if you are not attracted to the other person? These are just a few of the questions that may be going through your mind. But there is no need to worry; simply read on to discover some top tips for a successful blind date.
Use a matchmaking service – There is only one place to begin, and this is by using a matchmaking service to suit you up with your date. You can find out more information about this here: https://macbeth-matchmaking.com/dating/professional-dating/. Why should you use such a service? Well, you do not want to go on a blind date with just anyone. If you do, then all of the worries mentioned in the introduction may come to life. However, with a matchmaking service, you can be certain that you are going to be going on a blind date with someone you are compatible with. Leave your insecurities at home – You need to bring the most confident version of yourself to the table. Leave your insecurities at home. It does not matter if your date isn’t into you; we were not put on this planet to be attracted to everyone that we meet. Throw out your expectations – One of the biggest problems when it comes to blind dates is that people go in there with expectations. There is no quicker way to kill your date then to conjure up an image of what the other person is going to be like. If they do not match this image, you end up ruling him or her out without giving them a chance. Prepare some questions – Think of some questions in advance that you can ask if it goes a bit quiet. Of course, you do not want it to sound like you are interviewing the person, and stay away from boring questions like what is their favorite color. Instead, why not ask what they would do if they won the lottery. Wear something you are comfortable in – Yes, it is important to dress to impress. Nevertheless, you need to make sure you are comfortable. If you are not, it will show. You can find advice on what to wear on a date here: https://uk.match.com/pages/advice/dating-advice/dating-advice-women/dating-tips-how-dress-date/. Yes, those high heels may look amazing, but they don’t look good if you appear like you are going to topple over with every step that you take. Hopefully, you now feel more prepared for your blind date. If you follow the advice that has been provided above, you can make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible. From being the real you to ensuring you fix up a date with someone you are going to be compatible with, follow the steps above with care.  TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR DATING LIFE
The Question: How do I know if he likes me? (He asked me what my weekend plans were, but didn’t ask me out. By the way I said "no plans yet...") -No Date Yet Frank Advice Answer: Dear No Date Yet, Given the current climate in society right now, he likely wants to ask you out, but is worried that you will be offended in some way. Did you communicate to him that you wanted him to ask you out? If you do want to go on a date with him, you could have said: “I have no plans. If you're free too, do you want to get together?” Did you ask him if he had plans this weekend? That would have shown him that you are interested in knowing his availability to date. It sounds like he may like you, but he wants more of a sign that you would be open to being asked out. We are at a time where the #MeToo movement is changing the way people interact with each other. Do NOT expect him to chase you! Do NOT make him have to jump through hoops to pursue you! If you do that, you will only attract the jerks who want the challenge of the "conquest", and you will be pushing away the good men who avoid women who play games. After years of coaching so many men, it is very clear that most men will NOT ask out a woman unless she gives a clear sign that she is interested AND will say yes. For the women who wish to take charge of their dating life and embrace change. Right now you can purchase the workbook for women. "I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME" -Frank, because I have to be  RELATIONSHIP AND DATING COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT  How To Be Bald And Confident |
 What Men Want And Don't Know It | In my book “Mastering The Emotional Needs of Men: Ally vs. Enemy” I teach that one of the Emotional Needs of men is Masculine Identity. This is how each individual man defines his own masculinity. An Emotional Need is what a person emotionally responds to, NOT what they think. |
This means that while a man might intellectually understand that he is more than just his hair, his emotional reaction can cause him to withdraw or lose his sense of confidence from hair loss.
For many men, having hair is part of their Masculine Identity Emotional Need.
When Monty had hair he never cared what people thought about him. He was confident, arrogant, willing to make the first move, and loved to pursue women. He was envied by men, and sought after by women. He was sure of his Masculine Identity.
After his hair loss, Monty felt like he didn’t know himself anymore.
He became afraid, as he was convinced that people were looking at him, talking about him, and laughing at him. He could hardly bring himself to leave his home because of his fears. He felt that he had lost his Masculine Identity with the loss of his hair.
Now let’s go back to your story. How does this relate to YOU? You are attracted to Suzie and would like her to go out on a coffee date with you, but fear your genetic predisposition to male pattern baldness or total hair loss will keep you out of the running.
THE TRUTH IS THIS:
It was not Monty's hair loss that caused him to lack confidence, just like it is not about your receding hairline that is stopping you from asking Suzie out.
It does not matter that Monty had a reputation for being a “ladies man” and the experience to back it up.
It does not matter what you have going for you.
If you have a hard time accepting yourself, it will be even harder for you to put yourself out there and risk rejection, when you express your interest in someone who might not want you back.
Women Who Reject Balding Men
Are there women who find balding men less attractive?
Yes.
There are also women who say that bald men are sexy.
There are studies that show that some women prefer balding men, and other studies that show that women love a man with a full head of hair. Many of these studies are tied into selling products, so buyers beware.
No matter what the issue is: whether it is baldness, height, weight, finances, etc. there will be women who love it, women who are not bothered either way as long as their other criteria are met (sense of humour, honesty etc.), and there are women who will hate it to the point where no matter what else you have going for you, it will never be enough to compensate for what you are “lacking” in their eyes.
 Learn Social Cues so Hair Loss Will Never Stop You | In my program, “The Art of Calibration Program: From Creepy To Charisma” I discuss this concept and assign a percentage to make it easier to understand. So now to explain further, we will examine the topic of hair loss in men and apply randomly chosen percentages of 15%, 70% and 15%. |
The Emotional Needs of Men and Women Audio Set For the 15% of women out there who love bald or balding men:
There is nothing for you to worry about. These women are ready to love you for the way you look right now. Be enthusiastic to meet them, and when you do focus on addressing her Emotional Needs.
At the same time, you will be challenging her to address your Emotional Needs as a man.
The women that already were attracted to Monty loved him for being Monty (not because of his hair) and would have continued to want him if Monty had only continued to purse them.
Just like if Suzie already likes you, then all you have to do is make your move and ask her out.
For the 70% of women who are neutral about bald or balding men:
This is the group that you can influence the most.
They will look to you to set the example of how you want to be treated.
If you fully accept yourself and you ACT like your hair condition (whatever it may be) is not an issue for you, they will follow your example, and not make it an issue for them.
If however you do not fully accept yourself, and act like your hair loss is a big issue, they will also react to you as if it were a big issue.
Monty would have lost this group and it would not have been because they cared about his hair. Monty let his hair loss affect him so much, it was to the the point that he was no longer open to female attention, and the women picked up on that message.
That is why he would have lost this group.
Just like YOU who are too preoccupied with your thinning hairline!
Suzie is going to sense that you are not really present with her, and she is going to feel (your lack of being present) enough not to go on a date with you, if you ask her.
Dating a Younger Woman
For the 15% of women who already dislike bald or balding men:
Your best bet with this group is to cut your losses and move on.
The person Monty was before his hair loss never cared what this group of women thought because he was too focused on having fun with the 85% (15% plus 75%) of women out there (the majority) that either already liked him, or that he could influence into liking him for a date!
He didn’t care about the women that would never accept him, until he reached a crisis moment in his life where HE stopped accepting himself.
If Suzie (or any other woman) really hates bald or balding men balding, then it is best to find out as soon as possible. Move on to someone who either loves it, or is neutral about it.
Never is the real issue hair loss, or going bald, or considering yourself to be the newest member of the follically challenged community.
The issue is NOT your hair loss.
The issue is how you deal with it that matters.
Dealing With Going Bald
The Franktalks.com coaching philosophy is this:
IF THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF
THAT YOU DO NOT LIKE
YOU MUST OWN IT
To OWN it, means to either:
A) Accept it as part of who you are. If it is not going to change, work around it as best you can and do what you want to do with as little compromise as possible
or
B) Do something directly about it to change it.
A) Accepting Hair Loss
Accepting hair loss comes in different forms:
For some men accepting hair loss means learning to be okay with it, accepting the fact that some women will have a problem with it, and being okay with that.
For some men, accepting hair loss means they shave their heads and feel they are taking an assertive step towards the situation, rather than let the hair loss and possibly eventual balding happen on it's own.
For some men, accepting hair loss means never letting it stop them from doing the things they would have done if they had the hair.
Hair loss is an opportunity to self-actualize (self reflection) of what going bald means to you.
If hair loss or going bald means that you see yourself as no longer young, virile, or adept at attracting women, it will influence the way you feel about yourself, likely in a negative way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
If hair loss or going bald holds a different meaning for you such as:
*The privilege of growing older (When you appreciate your age as you begin to attend funerals of those close to your age)
*A sign of wisdom that comes with maturity
*You just don’t have to care anymore what other people think about anything you do.
It will influence the way you feel about yourself, most likely in a very positive way.
The way you feel about yourself is a key element in the world of attracting a partner.
Acceptance:
Being okay with something by not letting it turn into a problem that hinders you from doing the things you want to do with your life.
By accepting you find a way to get your needs met, even if you cannot have everything you want.
It has nothing to do with giving up.
B) Making Some Changes
If you have accepted that this is your situation, and instead of working around it, you want to try to change your situation, the next step is to look at the options available to you.
This requires research and some experimenting to find what works for you. Just as not every person can follow the same diet plan, not every person will want to follow the same hair loss solution.
There are many causes of hair loss, and one possible cause is stress. If you feel that your hair loss is from stress, it may be time to re-evaluate your lifestyle and seek ways to make it less stressful.
This might mean some sacrifices that you did not anticipate making.
For example: It might mean a change of employment for you to something less stressful, but that also might mean a drastic pay cut. Looking at hair loss causes is just one step in the process. This is one possible solution if you are suffering hair loss from stress.
Next, have a look at other solutions that may work for you. Some men opt to wear a wig, an artificial hair piece (toupee), or other methods.
When it comes right down to it, the opinions of others do not matter (including the opinion of this author). What matters is that YOU are comfortable with the solution you seek, and you are comfortable with the risks of being exposed if you keep some of these methods a secret.
Currently there is no cure for baldness (at least none that I know of, and if someone reading this article has knowledge of such, please leave a comment to share that knowledge with men who may want it.)
women's emotions in relationships Knowledge Is Power
Do NOT be in denial of what is happening to you.
Denial instead of acceptance tends to lead to poor choices. Denial of any issue that is affecting a man's emotional well being will cause him to make questionable decisions in many areas of his life, including what to do about hair loss.
An example:
A man works a job in an area of industry that is declining. He is in denial about the longevity of his employment. He decides to increase his expenses and in turn acquires debt. Contrast this with another man who also works a job in an area of industry that is declining, but who has accepted the truth of his situation. He wisely curbs his spending while seeking out knowledge on alternative sources of income.
Your inability to cope with your hair loss will result in your eventual violation of a woman’s Emotional Needs.
Why?
The longer you date the same woman, the more she will get to know the real you. At that point, the truth will be harder to deny.
The truth about your hair loss is sure to come up and she will be concerned that you kept the truth from her. This may make her wonder what else you are not telling her.
The issue is trust not hair loss.
what men really want in a woman How To Make Balding Look Good
If you are in the position where you are in the process of balding, whether you have vertex baldness, a receding hairline, or you are anticipating hair loss and want to take proactive self-care steps,
there is nothing wrong with seeking out some advice on the subject.
Hair loss and confidence are tied together for many men who see it as part of their Masculine Identity emotional need.
True confidence develops as a result of the actions you take.
If your appearance is what you are worried about
(and you consider your hair to be part of your appearance)
then take action!
Put work into your overall appearance.
Look your best and carry yourself in a way
that displays your pride.
There have been studies done on men’s online dating profile photos. The studies found that the photos of men, which received the MOST likes, were the photos in which the men expressed PRIDE in their faces.
The facial expression of feeling proud was interpreted as CONFIDENCE.
 change your life in 90 days | For over 15 years I have coached men about dating and relationships. In that time the message that I have received over and over again is that men really do not feel they should ask for help. It is part of many male cultures to be an independent achiever. What we as men must remember is that even the most accomplished men have a team of coaches, mentors and advisers. |
| Clients who have taken action and asked for help have achieved great success in their lives. In 90 days Adult Male Virgins who were never able to admit they even had problems with sex and dating, found themselves with multiple girlfriends! They found confidence through their actions. They developed pride in their appearance (and yes many of these men did have hair loss concerns). |  lose your virginity in 90 days |
If YOU are embarrassed about your thinning hair, don’t be.
Take action! Ignoring what is happening to your hair, and being in denial does not help you in the long term.
The worse thing you can do is try to hide your concerns,
and end up trying untested methods
which could harm your remaining hair,
and possibly your health.
Accept your hair loss situation.
Own it.
Love yourself regardless of it.
Be PROUD of your appearance as it is,
and know that you can do something about it
if you want to change it.
Seek out some those who can help you
to keep your confidence up.
Remember Monty?
It took a little longer than expected, but with the proper coaching and guidance Monty was willing to go out in public again.
Eventually he remembered everything that he still had going for him before he lost all of his hair. Monty took action and found the pride in himself that he had lost.
He even went back to his playboy lifestyle for a time until he met a woman he really adored. The married and today they have a family together.
Monty now plans to teach his son everything he learned.
Now back to YOU.
Do you want to take action?
Find your PRIDE and CONFIDENCE.
Work on what is holding you back
and find the confidence to ask out your "Suzie"
@wearehims @emotionalneeds #hairloss #hairlosstraining #hairlossproblem #hairlossproblems #hairlossexpert #hairlosstattoo #HairlossAutority #hairlosscontrol #hairlossremedy #hairlosssalon #hairlossconsultation #HairlossPreShampoo #hairlosscourse #hairlossremedies #hairlossspecialist #hairlosstherapy #hairlossproducts #hairlosscoverup #hairlossshampoo #hairlosssollution #hairlosstreatment #hairlossfrommedication #HairLossForMen #hairlossclinic #hairlosssoultion #hairlossolotion #hairlosscover #hairlossinwomen #hairlossprevention #hairlossanswers #BaldGuyWithNoWorries #baldchick #baldboys #baldnesssolution #baldie #balding #baldisbeautiful #baldinghelp #baldingteens #baldingsolutions #baldingsolution #baldisbadass #bald #nohair #nohairdontcare #scalpmicropigmentation
Sign up for coaching TODAY and let's get you to the point where even Monty would envy you.
-Frank Kermit
Get Her Now
Worst First Date Stories Ever
My dear friends,
I recently did a radio interview on the topic of Worst First Date Stories Ever. I had asked people to submit their stories online for the show. A number of people submitted stories, but there was not enough time on air to cover them all. Here are the stories of some people's worst first date experiences. If you have a first date disaster story to share, please share it in the comments of this post.
-Frank Kermit
My favorite brewery is where I took lots of first dates, and my date commented on the appearance of the server and presumed she was pregnant -and asked her... She was NOT pregnant, and the server chastised us both soundly, then carried on with the excellent customer service she and that bar are well known for. Her resilience was legendary. Needless to say the vibe was dead and my date left early. I apologized profusely to the server and it's still my favorite bar/restaurant to this day. What in learned was: Lead the conversation and exercise zero tolerance of disrespect towards those you care for even if it means ending one of the hottest dates you've ever had.
-Tom, Exterminator,
USA
****
Never had a disastrous first date personally.
However, I am shooting a documentary entitled "Who Farted?"
A section deals with the time when you can fart in front of your partner as a key passage in love. (Farting on a first date?) Seriously.
-Albert Nerenberg, Documentary Filmmaker
https://www.facebook.com/TNFem/
****
After several attempts at scheduling a date because of dog sitting issues, we finally meet for dinner. He had just returned from a vacation with his dog. Just the 2 of them. Very cute, right? Or creepy, whatever. He seemed to be nice enough. While at dinner he explained how they had a lovely relaxing time (yes, him & the dog), he’s had to hire 3 dog sitters because the dog was bored of the first 2, satisfied with his job, and now looking to form the next phase of his life. I’m listening, answering his questions, engaging in conversation. He says to me “you know I feel so comfortable with you. Like I can share anything with you.” “Aww that’s very sweet thank you!” Right? He leans in and says “I want to share something personal with you”. “I am flattered. Please feel free.“ “You know I really love my dog.” Yes, I do. “I love playing with him. We love playing with each other. He really gets me through some of the loneliness I feel, sometimes.” “Of course. That’s awesome that you have the dog in your life to help you through those times. People underestimate how much companionship, caring, love, and responsibility a dog provides. Some people treat their dogs as they would a child.” “I’m so glad to hear you say that. So many people don’t understand that kind of feeling you get from a pet. In fact, I’d like to tell you something else.” [Leans in closer]. “I play with my dog naked.” “WHAT?” “Yes, I mean, the dog is naked; why shouldn’t I be? I really like the feeling of his fur on my naked body.” I get up from the table. He says” where are you going? Are you offended by this?” "Oh, absolutely not. I just forgot that I had to play with my cat".
-Clarissa Silva,
Behavioral Scientist and Creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,
http://clarissasilva.com/services/
****
Well I went out for dinner once with this guy . After dinner in the car ride home . He insisted I give him oral sex while he was driving!!! He bought dinner and I owed him! First red light I hopped out of the car. Scary first date.
-Kim, Musician
Brossard
****
I offered to get her a drink. She turned it down. Then after the meal when it felt to me like there was NO chemistry she started to order drinks. By the 3rd one in she threw up on her way to the bathroom lol. I kept thinking she would stop ordering them and finally I just paid the bill and said "I gotta go!" Apparently she thought we had a "connection" lol
-Brian, Investor
Toronto
****
We had gone out to dinner - he complained about everything. I knew I definitely wouldn't be seeing him again, but figured maybe I could at least get some sex out of it. He didn't know how to kiss, and his other skills were laughable. I stopped him before we even finished getting naked because I was trying so hard not to laugh and just said "You can go now".
-Mary, Dancer
Montreal
****
One disaster was he asked me out and he picked the restaurant when I said I found it pricey he said don't worry and so I assumed he was paying. I ordered a $15 dollar drink. When the bill came he split the bill in half and told me what my share was and he wasn't even interesting to talk too!
-Marilyn, bookkeeper
Ottawa
****
I once had a girl on a date and she was flirting with the waiter at the restaurant and a different waiter spilled sauce on me by accident. Then we went to a bar and she was talking to another guy most of the night. And then on the way home she asked me to pull over so she can puke.
-David, Project Manager
Montreal
****
I was talking to a guy this week who said the past two women he met for coffee were very disappointing, so would I be open to doing a Skype date before we actually meet? You know, so he isn’t wasting his time...wow. Pass.
-Carrie, Public Relationships
Montreal
****
I do remember the first time I had a date, I essentially threw up before meeting the girl I had been long distance dating over the internet for 9 months, and was so self hating towards myself that she "just friended" me. I can't really remember much of anything other than she concluded I was really boring. It was pretty terrible to hear on my end and definitely tore me up inside for months when she told me.
-Clyde, DJ
Toronto
****
I spent a month talking to someone every night online. Upon meeting face to face for the first time, he arrived grabbing me and french kissing them as the first hello - Not cool. What saved him at the time is he was nice, and he kissed great LOL!!
-Alice, Catering
****
She had also noticed that I hadn't put that I was looking for long-term dating on my OKC profile, but she decided to wait until we met in person to bring up with me that she was looking for long-term herself. I emphasized to her that, in fact, I wasn't looking for that at that point and that it might be best for us to call it a day if we were at that kind of impasse. She broke down crying in front of me, saying things like "All men want the same thing; I should just give up" and, somewhere in there, told me that she didn't trust the diagnosis her psychiatrist had given her of borderline personality disorder. Finally, she somewhat collected herself and said with a lot of tension in her voice, "You know...I may really wind up kicking myself for this...but I wouldn't be ENTIRELY opposed to seeing you again."
-Roger, Office Manager
New York, USA
****
Because I dated out of towners after my divorce, we would meet at a hotel, sharing the room, but with two single beds. - At the hotel, the lady at the front desk wanted to change our room with two single beds to a large king sized bed- assuming we were married. Awkward.
-Amy, Translation
Montreal
****
Girl pursues me and I am confident she has finally come around to my advances on social media. So we go out for a drink and appetizers which turned into dinner and by the time I spent some good coin, she told me "it's complicated" and already has a boyfriend.
-Sam, Publisher
Toronto
****
I was taken to see Silence of the Lambs as a first date - and not given the context of the movie. I was scared to walk home for months after.
-Annie, Chef
Montreal
****
And then there was the guy who told me he could not afford a flavor shot in his coffee at Starbucks...and proceeded to try to sell me his photos of a topless ex-girlfriend. We were standing in line at the Starbucks inside the Barnes and Noble, I laughed, and he said, "No, really, I don't know how I am going to pay my rent this month." So, I bought the coffee. And then, he proceeded to tell me that his ex-wife (or ex-girlfriend?) had continued to support him, because he was waiting for a disability settlement for a work accident. But, it had just been approved and he only had to get through the next three months. And we talked some more, about work, etc. And, he mentioned being a musician and a photographer. And I asked if he could use his photography (which was art) to make money for a few weeks, And he told me he had some of his photos in his car, and proceeded to show them to me on his phone. Include some of a topless woman. I finished my coffee, and he said "Do you want to hang out next weekend?" and I said "no thank you".
-Dante Spetter, PhD.
Clinical psychologist and dating, divorce, and parenting coach
Facebook page
****
We met online, she had only photos of her face, a bit filtered. However, I decided to take the risk. When I saw her I already knew she wasn’t my type. However, I always try to be a gentleman in situations like that and not to hurt people. I set out to have a nice evening and dinner with another human being. We went to a restaurant, sat and started talking. It was quite nice, she seemed interested in me, but I kept it casual. Our food arrived, and in the middle of the course she took out nasal spray, put it into her nostrils and took big breaths with all the expected sound effects.
-Merlin Moroz, Dating Coach
Lublin, Poland
****
I once went on a blind date set up by a friend of a friend. When we met, which was at a pretty fancy restaurant located in little Italy, I couldn’t get past his mannerisms. Also, the fact that he was newly divorced of two months, turned me off. He wasn’t very articulate or funny, which he thought he was, and I laughed at his jokes regardless, just to be polite. A half hour into the drinks before supper, he leaves to go to the bathroom and I text my friend at full speed! “Angie!!!! Call me in about five minutes and sound panicked on the phone! Just make up something so I can get out of this date!!” He came back less than five minutes later and sat down. We of course started chit chatting a little and the phone goes off! Angie - “Hey, I know you’re on your date but your son is sick and you must come home!” I rolled my eyes, thinking "she couldn’t have used a better excuse?” Me putting on the theatrics - “Oh no! Ok, give him some children’s Tylenol and I’ll be right over!” So while I excused myself to the blind date, he walked me to my car and asked “Can we do this again next week?” I looked at him and replied - “I don’t think so! Good luck!” He stood back and I got into my car and left. I couldn’t lie anymore! It was eating at me. I had to be honest. “Sorry buddy, you’re not my type!” Lol
-Lory, Author
Montreal
****
So, I went on a date with this gentleman. I had met him at a party and he was friends with someone I know. We talked the whole party and he seemed very intelligent, funny, nice. Maybe not completely my type but I wasn't necessarily ready for anything serious at that point. Now, I wouldn't ordinarily do these things, but because he was a friend's best friend, I was a little more relaxed about how I handle dates. So I met him somewhere, then he drove from there. We went to Annapolis and just had some food. Then, he showed me where his parents boat was. (And he still lived at home with them...yep) We saw the boat, and then he proceeded to pee off the end of the pier. Unashamedly. When we got back to my car and we were sitting in his car before I was getting out, he took my arm and licked it from the bottom to almost the top. I wasn't having that. Very nice person, maybe not ideal for someone like me lol
-Piper Grey, USA
****
If you have a first date disaster story you would like to share,
post your story in the comments below!
-Frank
HOW TO START DATING
 FRANK KERMIT GIVES FRANK ADVICE | Dear Readers, Sometimes I answer questions on various sites online as I find them. I occasionally post the question (edited) as myFrank Advice answer here on my blog. Names have been changed to protect privacy. (As much privacy as one can expect posting a question online using their real names). |
The Question:
"How do I date?"
-Without a Partner
Frank Advice Answer:
Dear Without a Partner,
It really depends what you are looking for. Your approach will be different if you are looking for something more casual (friends-with-benefits dating) or something more serious (long term commitment). Once you have an idea of what you are looking for commitment wise, you are ready for the next step.
The next step is to create a profile of the kind of person that would want, and who would be a good candidate for you. Once you can identify some of the criteria you are looking for, it becomes easier to identify where you would meet such a person.
For example: (and let’s use a particular one), let’s say you seek a sexually adventurous partner who is open minded and willing to explore new sensations with you. Well now that you have that profile, the question becomes: Where does someone who fits that profile spend their time?
Perhaps a popular sexually themed event or show? You can explore if there are communities that put on such events locally, or seek out online communities that cater to your particular interests to meet like minded people.
Arrange times to meet people from the community or communities that you have found. Take the time to talk to each person you meet privately. A local public coffee shop is an ideal location as it is public enough to be safe and private enough to share stories. The key here is to put your best self forward.
Do not lie about anything! Demonstrate that you are looking for a partner and focus on what you have to give to another person.
Do not make it about what the other person must give to you.
If you are dedicated and follow through on this work (and yes dating is work) and you should have at least one, if not more dating partners within 90 days.
After you are in a relationship/s, your focus should be on relationship management. Do not take your partners for granted but do not allow yourself to be used either.
This information is just the start of learning to date and having a relationship/s. Coaching helps in many ways, including having an accountability partner, who can help keep you on the right track.
Sign up for COACHING and we can get started.
-Frank Because I have to be
Dear Without a Partner,
It really depends what you are looking for. Your approach will be different if you are looking for something more casual (friends-with-benefits dating) or something more serious (long term commitment). Once you have an idea of what you are looking for commitment wise, you are ready for the next step.
The next step is to create a profile of the kind of person that would want, and who would be a good candidate for you. Once you can identify some of the criteria you are looking for, it becomes easier to identify where you would meet such a person.
For example: (and let’s use a particular one), let’s say you seek a sexually adventurous partner who is open minded and willing to explore new sensations with you. Well now that you have that profile, the question becomes: Where does someone who fits that profile spend their time?
Perhaps a popular sexually themed event or show? You can explore if there are communities that put on such events locally, or seek out online communities that cater to your particular interests to meet like minded people.
Arrange times to meet people from the community or communities that you have found. Take the time to talk to each person you meet privately. A local public coffee shop is an ideal location as it is public enough to be safe and private enough to share stories. The key here is to put your best self forward.
Do not lie about anything! Demonstrate that you are looking for a partner and focus on what you have to give to another person.
Do not make it about what the other person must give to you.
If you are dedicated and follow through on this work (and yes dating is work) and you should have at least one, if not more dating partners within 90 days.
After you are in a relationship/s, your focus should be on relationship management. Do not take your partners for granted but do not allow yourself to be used either.
This information is just the start of learning to date and having a relationship/s. Coaching helps in many ways, including having an accountability partner, who can help keep you on the right track.
Sign up for COACHING and we can get started.
-Frank Because I have to be
RELATIONSHIP AND DATING COACHING WITH FRANK KERMIT
Is dating too expensive for you? Here are some money saving tips to help you reduce the cost of your dates in this contributed post.
DATING ON A BUDGET
If you are currently single, you are probably already a registered member of some dating apps and websites. Love swiping your way through Tinder and Bumble? If your thumbs have been busy on these apps, you will have already been on a few fun dates. I’m sure there’s one thing you will have noticed - dating can be very expensive!
If you are still searching for the one, and trying to keep up with seeing your friends alongside this, you will probably have a social life that is draining your finances. That’s not good for the long-term. But that’s also no reason to stop dating, especially if you are enjoying it.
Here are some great tips that can help you reduce the cost of all those dates!
Be Open And Honest
It’s really important that you are up front with your date about the fact that you need to be careful with your finances. That way, they will know not to suggest any potentially dear dates. If you get on really well, you might even want to set yourselves some monetary goals. For instance why not try and save together so that you can enjoy a really fun day out in a few months’ time?
OUTDOOR DATE
Limit Restaurant Dates
Eating out a couple of times each week will be a big drain on your bank account. So, you should try and limit these. Instead of visiting so many restaurants, you could instead offer to show off your culinary skills and cook for them at home. This will be extremely romantic and a great idea for a cozy night in.
Boost Your Pocket Money
If you are struggling for money in other aspects of your life, you might want to find the best bank to get a personal loan so that you can improve your overall financial situation. Some of this extra pocket money can go towards your dating. There are other ways you can boost your finances too. You might want to sort out through your stuff and sell what you can for instance. Or, how about getting a few extra shifts as an Uber or Deliveroo driver?
CITY DATE
Look For Happy Hours
There are ways to enjoy a night out on the cheap, of course. You just need to look for happy hours! Lots of bars and restaurants offer happy hour deals in which they serve drinks a lot cheaper than usual. These special deals are very popular with cocktail bars, so it’s a good way to enjoy a delicious tipple on a tight budget!
Use Coupon Sites
It’s also worth signing up for coupon websites, such as Groupon. These offer daily deals that are taking place in your local area. More often than not, they are deals for bars and restaurants, but you will also find some discounts on activities and day outs too.
Dating doesn’t have to be expensive if you follow these tips, so you can continue your search for your perfect partner!
What are you waiting for? Time to continue swiping!
What made you fall in love?
SHARE YOUR STORY!
Did you know each other for years and slowly fall in love?
Were you recovering from an illness, and that person was there for you?
Did you bond over food, music, or hobbies?
Perhaps you worked together?
Happy Valentine's Day!
Did you know each other for years and slowly fall in love?
Were you recovering from an illness, and that person was there for you?
Did you bond over food, music, or hobbies?
Perhaps you worked together?
Happy Valentine's Day!
Do you think you are undateable? Find out more in this contributed post.
red heart shaped balloons
Dating in the modern world is one of those things that can seem pretty intimidating to those on the outside. It can often feel as though things used to be incredibly simple and now there so many rules that the whole thing can be incredibly confusing and overwhelming. The truth is that dating really hasn't changed all that much over the last hundred years or so, aside from a push for more equality among people of different genders and sexualities of course. But that doesn't mean that it's always easy. One of the hardest things about dating is being in a position where you feel as though, because of who you are as a person, you're somehow less dateable than those around you. This is fundamentally untrue! There is nothing that makes anyone in any way undateable! With that in mind, here are some ways to help you stop feeling as though who you are is going to leave you all alone.
There are no leagues, only type
One of the most common things that you hear when one person is interested in or attracted to someone else but doesn't want to make a move is that they're "out of their league." This is something that is often reinforced by TV, movies, books, music, and just about every other aspect of modern society. Which makes it all the more ridiculous when you realise that the whole idea of leagues is complete and utter nonsense. Who you're attracted to in life has nothing to do with some kind of empirical scale of how attractive you are. It comes down to what you like about someone. It could be their looks, their brains, their personality, and any combination of the three. Just because you think that someone is amazing and beautiful doesn't mean that they're somehow better than you or above you in any way. Remember, there are no leagues, there is only type, and everyone is someone's type!
Find people more like you
If your anything other than the straight, cis-gendered person that society wrongly assumes is the default, it can often feel as though dating simply isn't for you. Things like Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and all of the other dating sites and apps are great, but they do seem to be mostly geared towards a fundamentally heterosexual way of doing things. If you're a different sexuality or gender identity from "the norm" it can be tough to feel comfortable in those spaces. That's why it's great that there are more and more spaces specifically for people of different sexual orientations or genders to connect with each other. Services like Gay Girl, which can help women who are attracted to other women connect with each other without having to worry about interacting with men in the way that they do on sites like OkCupid offer a truly fantastic service. Being able to connect with people who are like you can make the whole process of dating feel that much less lonely.
Stop trying so hard
The reality of dating is that it should be fun. If you feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find someone or to get out there, there's a chance that you're doing it wrong. If dating is causing you more stress and anything else, then the best thing to do is just to relax and stop trying so hard. There are other things in life beyond just trying to find someone to date. Spend some time with friends, or just focusing on yourself. The truth is that if you spend more time focusing on yourself, then you're going to be a more complete person which will make dating and finding someone else a whole lot easier. Besides, a lot of the time, the moment you stop looking for love, it falls right into your lap.
Of course, it's important to remember that, just because it's expected of you doesn't mean you have to be particularly interested in dating at all! If dating isn't something that you're especially concerned with, don't let anyone try to tell you that there's anything wrong with you! There's no reason why you can't live an incredibly fulfilling life built around your career, your family, your friends, and your passions without needing to add dating and romance to the mix. Dating and falling in love can be wonderful things, but not if you feel like they're something you have to do instead of something you actually want from your life.
Learn How To Play The Insta-Date Game For Events For Singles
The Insta-Date Game
by Frank Kermit
This is yet another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. This one can be fun, and take time, but very useful for very shy and reluctant singles.
To find more games for singles events
and other exercises for singles,
please check out my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
by Frank Kermit
This is yet another group activity I created for one of my weekly workshops. Ideally used with mixed groups of single men and women in dating workshops. This one can be fun, and take time, but very useful for very shy and reluctant singles.
To find more games for singles events
and other exercises for singles,
please check out my coaching workbooks:
I'm a Man, That's My Job
and
I'm a Woman, It My Time
The Insta-Date Game
Insta-Date Definition: A 10 minute conversation where the goal is for each person to learn 1 to 3 things about the other person, so that they can introduce the other person to a third person.
Ask the crowd a simple ask a question like,
"Who likes and has a (pet) ?"
Hands go up.
Pair up as many couples as you can.
They are now required to have a 10 minute Insta-date where the goal is to discover 1-3 things about the other person.
Those that did not get paired up,
are asked another simple question.
When hands go up, pair up as many couples as you can.
They start talking; they already had a topic to start them off
(the topic they already have in common).
You are the organizer and now have a choice:
Your First Choice
You can have 2 paired couple merge into a group of 4. Each man has to talk to the other man about the 1-3 things he learned about the woman he spoke to for 10 min. Each woman has to talk to the other woman about the man she spoke to for 10 min.
This -Introduction- phase should take no more than 10 min (the same amount of time as an insta-date.
At the end of the -introduction- phase, the group of 4 breaks apart into couples again with the partners swapping from who they were originally speaking too.
Now the new Insta-date couple has already been introduced by a third party and knows a little something about each other.
Repeat this system, for about 1 hour and make sure that everyone gets to insta-date someone new each time. After the hour is over you can move on to other games, or let the singles mingle.
You Second Choice
If you do not have enough people for everyone to be coupled up, then during the time that some people are insta-dating, give a workshop lesson about conversation tips for dating to the people attending.
When the original insta-daters are done and re-join the group, ask another simple question and then you pair up a number of couples and send them to a part of the event space where they can insta-date, as you give more conversational tips for dating to those that did not get paired up.
Part of this method is to give specific easy to use conversational tips for dating that the attendees can use during an insta-date.
And if at any point during the workshop, you see a potential insta-date match up, assign them to insta-date immediately and re-join the group in 10 min.
Hope you enjoy these games at your next singles event.
Insta-Date Definition: A 10 minute conversation where the goal is for each person to learn 1 to 3 things about the other person, so that they can introduce the other person to a third person.
Ask the crowd a simple ask a question like,
"Who likes and has a (pet) ?"
Hands go up.
Pair up as many couples as you can.
They are now required to have a 10 minute Insta-date where the goal is to discover 1-3 things about the other person.
Those that did not get paired up,
are asked another simple question.
When hands go up, pair up as many couples as you can.
They start talking; they already had a topic to start them off
(the topic they already have in common).
You are the organizer and now have a choice:
Your First Choice
You can have 2 paired couple merge into a group of 4. Each man has to talk to the other man about the 1-3 things he learned about the woman he spoke to for 10 min. Each woman has to talk to the other woman about the man she spoke to for 10 min.
This -Introduction- phase should take no more than 10 min (the same amount of time as an insta-date.
At the end of the -introduction- phase, the group of 4 breaks apart into couples again with the partners swapping from who they were originally speaking too.
Now the new Insta-date couple has already been introduced by a third party and knows a little something about each other.
Repeat this system, for about 1 hour and make sure that everyone gets to insta-date someone new each time. After the hour is over you can move on to other games, or let the singles mingle.
You Second Choice
If you do not have enough people for everyone to be coupled up, then during the time that some people are insta-dating, give a workshop lesson about conversation tips for dating to the people attending.
When the original insta-daters are done and re-join the group, ask another simple question and then you pair up a number of couples and send them to a part of the event space where they can insta-date, as you give more conversational tips for dating to those that did not get paired up.
Part of this method is to give specific easy to use conversational tips for dating that the attendees can use during an insta-date.
And if at any point during the workshop, you see a potential insta-date match up, assign them to insta-date immediately and re-join the group in 10 min.
Hope you enjoy these games at your next singles event.
 funny first date questions |  love coaching |  best first date stories |
#singles #dating #events #eventplanner #eventprofs #eventplanning #event #parties #eventdesign #eventmanagement #conference #venues #eventstyling #partytime #drinks #dubstep #festival #valentinesday #bemyvalentine #feb14 #single #singlelife #dating #meetup #mc #matchmaking #matchmaker #match #coaching #valentines
love coaching
36 reasons you got ghosted after a great first date
36 Reasons Someone Ghosts You After a Great First Date
by Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, a proper mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing, and you maybe even had sex!
Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says that they are not interested anymore and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry?
Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear (Ghost) after a great first date.
Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date.:
What to Say - Book Cover
When It is Because of You
(You did something that turned them off)
Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs. If you did not violate an emotional need, it is also possible that you simply did not address them and were neutral. When someone tells you “no chemistry” it is possible you killed the chemistry yourself.
1. Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off. The person could not react in the moment, (for example: During the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group) so instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe.
2. You’re just a little too boring. The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, but they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person liked you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so they decided it was best to cut you loose before you get more attached and got really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it.
3. You love too much drama. The person is more sedate and seeks a calmer companion, but everything about you screams drama-drama-drama, from the things you like to talk about, to how you handle common situations that came up on your date. Maybe you acted too immature, like a child. The emotional range that comes with high doses of drama can in fact be a lot of fun in the short term, but can be very draining for others in the long term. After that first date was over the other person decided that you were too much for them.
4. You did not stand up for yourself. I hear this one quite a bit. Sometimes your date will test you to see if you would stand up for yourself, and when you didn’t, it was a turn off. Some people just do not want to date a mousy person. They seek out someone that isn’t afraid to be assertive, and are willing to speak their minds. Ever had that gnawing feeling that you should have said something at some point on the date, but held back because you were trying to be too nice and too polite? That might have been the moment you failed a test for assertiveness.
5. You came across like you were going to dump them. You gave the impression that you were not serious about seeing the other person again, so the other person decided to dump you first, before you had the chance to abandon them. Did you make the person feel they were unique to you? Did you give the impression you were the type of person that could commit long term? If you did not do these two things, the other person has no evidence to take you seriously when you say you intend to see them again. Very few people are going to stick around for a second date with a person that comes across as wanting to be independent of them.
6. You came across as untrustworthy. If the person you dated felt you could not be honest with them out of a fear of conflict, or if you came across as someone that could not be honest with yourself, they simply will not be able to put faith into anything you say or do. Trust is a key factor for any relationship. Violating a person’s sense of trust will not get you a second date, even if they decided to have fun with you on the first date.
7. You don’t make people feel safe with you. Maybe the person looked you up on the Internet after the first date and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles, and your social media. With the mystery gone, (and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits), it was a no-go from there. Maybe you are friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep. Maybe they just did not feel safe with you, either physically or they worry associating with you will hurt their reputation. Perhaps you publicly shared too many things that your date would rather keep private and they worried you are not a good secret keeper. The bottom line is that even after a great first date, if a person does not feel safe enough with you, there will be no second date.
8. You’re a lousy kisser and/or lover. I am sorry to say this, but just because you really enjoyed yourself on that first date, it is not a direct indication that your date enjoyed it too. Even if your date had an orgasm, it may have less to do with your efforts than you might care to admit. This is not about just being sexually incompatible (see further down the list when that comes up). This is about you just not being any good. Sexual skills are just like any other skills. You can develop a better skill set, if you are willing to learn, experiment, and are open to feedback. However, unless you make it clear that you want feedback to help your date enjoy being with you, your date might assume that you are just going to be this lousy on an ongoing basis, and rather than tell you the truth, they would rather just avoid having to be physical with you again.
9. You come across too happy being single. You are not relationship minded enough. You said that you wanted to see the other person again and you really meant it, and the person believes you meant it as well. However, the question becomes are you capable? Not everyone knows how to act in a relationship. This comes up a lot for people that have either never had a relationship, or people that have been single for so long that they have forgotten the nuances of how to take another person’s involvement into account. A person who acts too happy being single, might give the impression they would rather not be in a relationship. If you expressed how much you rather enjoy doing things on your own that the other person would rather do as a couple, you aren’t going to convince anyone that you are seriously interested in a second date.
10. You would rather be with a different gender/sexual orientation. Believe it or not, just because you are willing to date someone of a certain gender/sexual orientation, it is not enough evidence you actually want to be dating a person of that gender/sexual orientation. Sometimes the frustration that you feel towards the dating scene and specifically the gender/sexual orientation of your past dates, might come across that you would rather date someone that is the opposite of the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating. If you are giving a vibe that you may not be fully comfortable in your own skin, or if your frustrations get misinterpreted as hate, or lack of attraction for the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating, it is unlikely that they will want to have a second date with you, even with the first date ending OK.
11. You are missing something they want. Some people do not want to bother with a second date if they do not see a definite future with you. If the other person is looking for someone to back them up for the long term, they will be looking for things like: stability, if you can support their lifestyle, and their social environment. Can you hang with their social groups, and at least equal or better their own current status. If they already have elements of a life plan in place and they do not see you fitting into their plans, a great first date, might also be the last date if they cannot envision a future with you being part of their life plan.
12. You are too needy. Perhaps things were going really well until you went a little too far and gave the impression that you were just too needy. This means that the other person did not feel that you wanted them because of the commitment they had earned from you; they felt you were so desperate for any companionship that you wanted a second date because it is better than being alone. Sometimes a needy person comes across as way too compliant; lacking any personal boundaries who might one day lash back because they do not feel they are getting the same level back from the other person that they are putting in. The scariest thing about getting attached to a needy person is that a needy person can go to one extreme and get obsessive, or go to the other extreme where since they no longer feel needy for you, they can dump you unceremoniously. Why chance any of that with a second date?
10. You would rather be with a different gender/sexual orientation. Believe it or not, just because you are willing to date someone of a certain gender/sexual orientation, it is not enough evidence you actually want to be dating a person of that gender/sexual orientation. Sometimes the frustration that you feel towards the dating scene and specifically the gender/sexual orientation of your past dates, might come across that you would rather date someone that is the opposite of the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating. If you are giving a vibe that you may not be fully comfortable in your own skin, or if your frustrations get misinterpreted as hate, or lack of attraction for the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating, it is unlikely that they will want to have a second date with you, even with the first date ending OK.
11. You are missing something they want. Some people do not want to bother with a second date if they do not see a definite future with you. If the other person is looking for someone to back them up for the long term, they will be looking for things like: stability, if you can support their lifestyle, and their social environment. Can you hang with their social groups, and at least equal or better their own current status. If they already have elements of a life plan in place and they do not see you fitting into their plans, a great first date, might also be the last date if they cannot envision a future with you being part of their life plan.
12. You are too needy. Perhaps things were going really well until you went a little too far and gave the impression that you were just too needy. This means that the other person did not feel that you wanted them because of the commitment they had earned from you; they felt you were so desperate for any companionship that you wanted a second date because it is better than being alone. Sometimes a needy person comes across as way too compliant; lacking any personal boundaries who might one day lash back because they do not feel they are getting the same level back from the other person that they are putting in. The scariest thing about getting attached to a needy person is that a needy person can go to one extreme and get obsessive, or go to the other extreme where since they no longer feel needy for you, they can dump you unceremoniously. Why chance any of that with a second date?
When it is The Other Person
(You did nothing wrong)
In the next cluster of reasons we are going to look at reasons you were Ghosted that actually have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the other person. In this section, it is clear that you did not do anything wrong, or incorrectly. It is just a matter that the other person was the direct cause of you not getting a second date, and possibly involved in a situation that you may not have been aware of. So when someone tells you “no chemistry”, maybe there wasn’t any, or maybe there was, but it wasn’t enough.
13. The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they moved on to the next target. You never actually had a chance for a second date, because dating you again was never the goal. The goal was to use you for the experience of a date.
14. The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true. For example: Your date was a virgin (or very inexperienced) and did not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date. That person does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date, as they were not ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent. (This is assuming that you did not have sex on that great first date.) The pressure that a virgin feels to perform sexually on subsequent dates can be more than enough to cancel any possibility of dating you in order to avoid that pressure. At the same time, they do not have to be in a position to admit to being an adult aged virgin (which can be stigmatizing for some).
15. The person is trying hard to date someone (i.e. you) who is not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to and they were looking to be open-minded on a first date, but could not fake it enough to make a second date happen. Sometimes people date as part of an experiment to try putting themselves out there in new situations to learn about who they are (self-actualization). This could involve dating someone they weren’t really attracted too in the first place. Usually, this kind of self-actualization process requires the person to give people like you an honest chance with a series of dates before calling it quits, but not everyone has that level of resolve.
16. The person lied on the first date about something, and is worried they will get found out. You got dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you would have found out the truth. People who lie on a first date are not usually expecting to have a second date, or subsequent dates. It can happen that they realize they really like you, but they know that they have already ruined their long-term chances by lying early on. In most cases the person in question might be self-sabotaging with this kind of behavior pattern as part of a fear of intimacy, which helps keep them out of any potential serious relationships. A person that lies so much might have incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first even though they actually want to date you. They feel it is better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later, and justifying their low self-esteem.
14. The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true. For example: Your date was a virgin (or very inexperienced) and did not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date. That person does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date, as they were not ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent. (This is assuming that you did not have sex on that great first date.) The pressure that a virgin feels to perform sexually on subsequent dates can be more than enough to cancel any possibility of dating you in order to avoid that pressure. At the same time, they do not have to be in a position to admit to being an adult aged virgin (which can be stigmatizing for some).
15. The person is trying hard to date someone (i.e. you) who is not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to and they were looking to be open-minded on a first date, but could not fake it enough to make a second date happen. Sometimes people date as part of an experiment to try putting themselves out there in new situations to learn about who they are (self-actualization). This could involve dating someone they weren’t really attracted too in the first place. Usually, this kind of self-actualization process requires the person to give people like you an honest chance with a series of dates before calling it quits, but not everyone has that level of resolve.
16. The person lied on the first date about something, and is worried they will get found out. You got dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you would have found out the truth. People who lie on a first date are not usually expecting to have a second date, or subsequent dates. It can happen that they realize they really like you, but they know that they have already ruined their long-term chances by lying early on. In most cases the person in question might be self-sabotaging with this kind of behavior pattern as part of a fear of intimacy, which helps keep them out of any potential serious relationships. A person that lies so much might have incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first even though they actually want to date you. They feel it is better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later, and justifying their low self-esteem.
17. The person was a professional (sugar baby/sex worker) looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis. They discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client and cancelled any second date you tried to set up. This gave them the ease of not having to reveal their true intentions if they wanted to keep their economic interests a private matter.
18. The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends. Maybe it was who could they get to date them? Maybe it was how many first dates could they get, or how far they could get someone attached to them who wanted a second date? This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest or bet that had nothing to do with you. One such scam I came across in my coaching practice involved getting the “targets” into heated text messages after being dumped and insulted. The texts would then be posted online as a means of ridicule. Very cruel indeed! If something like that ever happens to you, as much as you are being baited to write back hatefully, try as much as possible to walk away. The person you think you are cursing out might not even be the one writing to you.
19. The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some people are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push that person away really hard to see if they are going to “prove” themself and chase them. Some people will have no interest in you at all, but they love the attention you may shower on them by pushing you away, and having you come back to chase them again. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, accept it and move on.
20. The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. It might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did!
18. The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends. Maybe it was who could they get to date them? Maybe it was how many first dates could they get, or how far they could get someone attached to them who wanted a second date? This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest or bet that had nothing to do with you. One such scam I came across in my coaching practice involved getting the “targets” into heated text messages after being dumped and insulted. The texts would then be posted online as a means of ridicule. Very cruel indeed! If something like that ever happens to you, as much as you are being baited to write back hatefully, try as much as possible to walk away. The person you think you are cursing out might not even be the one writing to you.
19. The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some people are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push that person away really hard to see if they are going to “prove” themself and chase them. Some people will have no interest in you at all, but they love the attention you may shower on them by pushing you away, and having you come back to chase them again. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, accept it and move on.
20. The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. It might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did!
21. The person was cheating on an existing partner (or attempting to cheat) They decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you sent a series of text messages that the cheaters partner may come across. When someone tells you “no-chemistry” most people will back off at that point, which is what the cheater counts on.
22-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI). I have come across difference cases of this as a coach. Some people with an STI desire socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates where sex could happen. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared your health without you knowing it. It is easier for an infected person to dump someone than to expose their health status to a relative stranger. In other cases, a person with an STI rather than deal with being in a relationship may go out for anonymous sex without ever telling their lovers of their condition unless directly asked about it. It is easier to simply disappear after a first date sexual encounter, than to go on subsequent dates where the person would have to reveal their status of their STI, which they would rather keep private.
23. The person is just not ready for something serious. It is very possible that the person really liked you and really thought about getting more serious with you, but then decided that you were too a good a distraction and did not want to be tempted. Some people need to be hyper focused on things like getting an education, establishing a career, or even raising kids, and are just looking to causally date and have fun. However, they met you, and really liked you and even considered allowing themselves to break their own rules, which explains why the first date was so great. However, realizing that you really are the right person, but at the wrong time in their lives, it can be easier for some people to let you go completely instead of continuing to see you and be tempted with a strong distraction from their previous set goal plan. Others may or may not agree with this decision, but the issue is not whether it is agreeable; the matter is what it is.
24. The person is Immature. Very sad to say that at some point, it really can come down to a simple matter of a lack of maturity. The inability to know what they want, getting swept away in the moment of the first date, then making the snap decision to recant and disassociate without the benefit of a more personalized goodbye. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person being too immature to take any accountability or responsibility for their own actions, or for leading you on.
22-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI). I have come across difference cases of this as a coach. Some people with an STI desire socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates where sex could happen. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared your health without you knowing it. It is easier for an infected person to dump someone than to expose their health status to a relative stranger. In other cases, a person with an STI rather than deal with being in a relationship may go out for anonymous sex without ever telling their lovers of their condition unless directly asked about it. It is easier to simply disappear after a first date sexual encounter, than to go on subsequent dates where the person would have to reveal their status of their STI, which they would rather keep private.
23. The person is just not ready for something serious. It is very possible that the person really liked you and really thought about getting more serious with you, but then decided that you were too a good a distraction and did not want to be tempted. Some people need to be hyper focused on things like getting an education, establishing a career, or even raising kids, and are just looking to causally date and have fun. However, they met you, and really liked you and even considered allowing themselves to break their own rules, which explains why the first date was so great. However, realizing that you really are the right person, but at the wrong time in their lives, it can be easier for some people to let you go completely instead of continuing to see you and be tempted with a strong distraction from their previous set goal plan. Others may or may not agree with this decision, but the issue is not whether it is agreeable; the matter is what it is.
24. The person is Immature. Very sad to say that at some point, it really can come down to a simple matter of a lack of maturity. The inability to know what they want, getting swept away in the moment of the first date, then making the snap decision to recant and disassociate without the benefit of a more personalized goodbye. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person being too immature to take any accountability or responsibility for their own actions, or for leading you on.
When it is Neither of You
Lastly, in this next section are situations where it is not you, or the other person that is at the source of you not getting a second date, but some real possible situations that people find themselves in, or issues of compatibility that has nothing to do with how a person feels. Rather than discuss the real reasons, it is easier for people that do not know each other beyond a great first date, to simply cite “no chemistry”, so that they can end this particular stage with you, because it is just easier that way when life happens.
25. The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of their focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal medical diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person would rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for them. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future anyways.
26. The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt them; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and they associate good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma.
27. The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation. They decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm, or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning.
28. The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so they dumped you. Family and friends can be very important factors in deciding whom a person continues to date. It is interesting to note that seeking the validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single.
29. The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment. For this reason the person had to dump all the other people they were dating. I have witnessed how dating another person can motivate an admirer to pursue someone. It is a common enough occurrence that as soon as someone starts going on dates, others who worshipped from afar, or who were dating casually until now, suddenly feel compelled to make a move and secure the affections of their would-be lover. Sometimes people can date you just to make someone else jealous for exactly this reason.
30. The ex of the other person came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell you that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed. There is nothing quite like seeing the person you like dating others to light a fire of motivation to aggressively pursue (whether out of jealousy, or a legitimate belief that they should be together).
31. Off Limits. After a great first date, the person comes to identify you as an “Off-Limits” person. This means that they came to realize that you were someone they never should have had a first date with, or they already had such a hesitation, gave into temptation, but afterwards came to their senses not to pursue you any further. Perhaps you are a co-worker and they do not want to complicate anything by putting their careers in jeopardy if things go really bad. Perhaps they realize that they were romantically involved in the past with one of your friends or a family member (or vice-versa), and would rather follow a rule of non-fraternization. Putting someone in the “Off Limits” category is about avoiding dating someone who, for reasons that have nothing to do how you feel about the person, could complicate other areas of their life.
32. Different stages in life. After a great first date the person goes home and recognizes that you are both at very different stages in life. For example: One of you wants the lifestyle that comes with retirement, while the other to seeks a lifestyle that is just starting out with a family or new career. A great first date can reveal the awesome potential you may have as a couple, but if your lifestyles are incompatible because of the different stages you may be at, those incompatibilities may be more than enough to end things before a second date ever gets started.
30. The ex of the other person came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell you that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed. There is nothing quite like seeing the person you like dating others to light a fire of motivation to aggressively pursue (whether out of jealousy, or a legitimate belief that they should be together).
31. Off Limits. After a great first date, the person comes to identify you as an “Off-Limits” person. This means that they came to realize that you were someone they never should have had a first date with, or they already had such a hesitation, gave into temptation, but afterwards came to their senses not to pursue you any further. Perhaps you are a co-worker and they do not want to complicate anything by putting their careers in jeopardy if things go really bad. Perhaps they realize that they were romantically involved in the past with one of your friends or a family member (or vice-versa), and would rather follow a rule of non-fraternization. Putting someone in the “Off Limits” category is about avoiding dating someone who, for reasons that have nothing to do how you feel about the person, could complicate other areas of their life.
32. Different stages in life. After a great first date the person goes home and recognizes that you are both at very different stages in life. For example: One of you wants the lifestyle that comes with retirement, while the other to seeks a lifestyle that is just starting out with a family or new career. A great first date can reveal the awesome potential you may have as a couple, but if your lifestyles are incompatible because of the different stages you may be at, those incompatibilities may be more than enough to end things before a second date ever gets started.
33. It’s about the kids. This reason lumps together all the cases having to do with having kids. Perhaps it is that one of you wants kids, and it comes up during the date that the other does not want, or cannot have kids. Perhaps is it a matter of one person never wanting to be a parent or step-parent, only to find out the other is a single parent already. It could be that one person is not interested in helping raise younger children, and the other person has younger children. It can be politically incorrect for anyone to claim they are skipping a second date, after a great first date, because of the issues surrounding having children. There is no fault, blame or judgments here. Just people that went on a date who are not compatible for a long-term involvement because the issues surrounding having kids will eventually end the involvement regardless of what a great start it had.
34. Incompatible pasts. Each day of our lives we all make choices, and with each choice we make there are consequences. We do not control what those consequences might be. Whether it is a series of choices that leads to having a criminal record, choices affecting your health today, choices about the education you opted for, or the job environments you had to work in, or choices in the people you have dated in the past, each of us has a past built on the choices we made, both good choices or bad choices. Not everyone you date will be able to handle or accept your past, just as you will not be able to handle the past of everyone you ever date. There is a difference between being non-judgmental about someone’s past, and getting romantically involved with someone with a past that you would not want to be associated with. When getting more serious beyond a first date, it is important that you are with someone that can fully accept your past. If someone does not accept your past, or you cannot accept theirs, then it is best to end it. Again, no fault, blame, or judgments here. Just people that went on a date but are not compatible for a long-term involvement.
35. Sexually incompatible. This is different from a person just being lousy at sex. The issue here is that you were not compatible. For example: If the other person was just looking for a one-night stand and you did not make the first move or give them a sign, it is not just an issue of not having sex, but an issue of having different sexual values. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with your love-making skills, but you just aren’t used to going at the pace as your lover, it does not mean you aren’t good, it just means that you are not seeking the same kind of touch. Some people like a really gentle touch, while others like it more rough. There is nothing wrong with either. Even if you had sex on the first date but the sex was not what the other person is used too, or hoped for, and there was no sign or discussion that you have similar sexual values as the other person, then a lack of sexual compatibility can be classified as a lack of sexual chemistry.
36. There actually is no chemistry. The date came across as just two good friends hanging out but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date, but if all you do is act like good buddies, it may not be enough to help generate attraction. And yes, even if you had sex on a first date, friends can experience casual sex together and enjoy their time together, but still lack the chemistry necessary to take it to the next level. So when someone tells you that they did not feel any chemistry, it is possible they are lying for any number of the reasons listed above, or maybe they are being rather truthful, in that they just did not feel what they needed to feel to see you as anything more than a friend (that they were willing to try having sex with).
Conclusion
Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own.
Regardless of the reason, you might just be better off without a person that would Ghost you to begin with.
You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work. With that said if you continue to have no second dates, you may want to sign up and see a dating coach, before no second dates turns into no first dates either.
25 reasons you got ghosted dumped after a great first date
25 reasons you got ghosted dumped after a great first date
by Frank Kermit
by Frank Kermit
I recently came across a question about a particular dating dilemma. You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing. Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says not interested and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested, only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry?
Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear after a great first date.
Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear after a great first date.
Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date:
1-The date came across as just two good friends hanging out, but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date. But if all you do is act like good buddies without any sexual tension, then kissing may not be as passionate for the other person as it was for you.
2-The ex came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell someone that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed.
3-The person was cheating (or attempting to cheat) but in the end decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you turn stalker-like and send a series of messages that the cheater partner may come across. Hard to keep pursuing when someone tells you “no-chemistry”.
2-The ex came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell someone that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed.
3-The person was cheating (or attempting to cheat) but in the end decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you turn stalker-like and send a series of messages that the cheater partner may come across. Hard to keep pursuing when someone tells you “no-chemistry”.
When you are tired of being "just friends"
4-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and desires socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared you life without you knowing it. It is easier to dump a person than to expose themselves by revealing the true nature of their health status to a relative stranger.
5-The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they are moving on to the next target.
6-The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so dumped you. The validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single.
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7-Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off but the person could not react in the moment (for example, during the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group). So instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe.
8-Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs, or you simply did not address them and were neutral.
9. The person is a virgin (or very inexperienced) and does not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date and does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date. Not everyone is ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent.
 Adult Male Virgin Book Cover |  Adult Male Virgin Advice mp3s |
10-The person is trying hard to date someone not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to, and they were looking to be open-minded for a first date, but just could not fake it enough to make a second date happen.
11-The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt him or her; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and associate those good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma.
12-The person lied on the first date about something, and worries they will get found out. So you get dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you find out the truth.
13. The other person was just looking for a one-night stand, but was waiting for you to make a move or give them a sign. When you did not, the person lost interest. If someone is just looking for a one-night-stand, they are not committed to anything they say in the moment, because the current moment is all that interests them. They were never interested in a second date. They just wanted sex that night, and when the moment passed, they aren’t interested in giving you another chance to waste time.
14-The person was a professional looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis, but discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing enough to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind, or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client.
15-The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment and thus the person had to dump all other people he or she was dating.
dating multiple women
16-The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends, about who they could get to date them, or how many first dates the person could get, or how far they could get someone attached and wanting a second date. This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have just been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest bet that had nothing to do with you.
17-The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation and decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning.
 The Emotional Needs of Women |  The Emotional Needs of Men |
18-The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of his or her focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person might rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for him or her. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future.
19-The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, and that they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person likes you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so decided best to cut you loose before you get more attached and get really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it.
20-The person looked you up on the Internet after the first date, and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles and on your social media. With the mystery gone, and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits, it was a no-go from there. Maybe you a friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep.
The Step By Step Guide
21-The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date, to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. Might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did.
22-The person has incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first, even though they actually want to date you. Better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later and justifying their low self-esteem.
23-The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push you away really hard to see if you are going to “prove” yourself and chase them really hard. Some have no interest in you at all, but just love the attention you may shower them with by pushing you away and watching you chase them. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, maybe you should just accept it.
 coaching workbook |  coaching workbook |
24-The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true.
25-Maybe the person really likes your company in the moment but does not see a long-term future. If someone is seeking out a serious long term partner, they may not want to spend their time with people who they are interested in, but do not believe will be there long term. Maybe the person really liked you and you read all the signs correctly. However, after the first date, it is possible the person reflected on their life goals and realized that they need to focus on dating people that have a serious long-term relationship candidacy and felt you did not qualify for that. Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own. You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work.
why dating is harder for older women part 11
trigger warning
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
I have coached older men who want to follow older dating codes of behaviors, so these types of men do exist. They would follow the same older dating codes of conduct that some older woman want to follow, but the issue lies in that she often rejects him anyway based on other reasons.
These are some examples
of the reasons for rejection
despite the older man
also following her
older dating codes:
Bob: He does not believe in sex before commitment will not pressure for sex for the first 3 months. Rejected: He is not assertive in other areas of dating. He also does not take care of his appearance like a younger suitor seeking sex would.
Richard: He insists on making the first move and be the one to initiate taking the relationship to the next level. Rejected: He doesn’t have an interest in listening to a woman expressing her opinions.
Thomas: He insists that he pay for dates because “that is what a gentleman does.” Rejected: He does not value his partner working at all. He expects her to quit her job if they get serious and live on his meager earnings, which means she will not get to maintain her current lifestyle.
William: He focuses on romantic courtship and makes efforts to woo her in exactly the way she always dreamed about. Rejected: His ill health means his partner has to become his quasi-nurse as well as his lover.
See what I mean?
In today's more modern society, the rules of dating have changed from the time she was a young lady.
Older women who hold on to older dating codes of behaviors are less likely to meet and keep older men that have left those older dating codes of behaviors behind.
Some examples of older dating codes:
Demanding Monogamy Immediately
Older women who expect Monogamy from the first date will likely turn off honest men who are openly dating multiple women at the same time, until one of them earns his full commitment. Dishonest men will stick around and lie about being Monogamous to get sex. Honest men will not stop dating other women just because you demand that he not date anyone else as the two of you get to know each other. Commitment must be earned over time. Just because you go on a date does not mean either of you must act Monogamous and not explore other dating possibilities. Even if you have sex with someone, that STILL does not put you in a position to demand Monogamy. The Monogamy conversation is one that needs to be discussed after you both have proven to each other that Monogamy is warranted. At one point in history it made sense to only date one person at a time. There were a lot of mores and social norms in place that made things like divorce unacceptable and pre-marital sex unacceptable.
non-monogamy guide book
Expecting the Man to Always Make the First Move
If you want to be in a long term, serious relationship with a man, you need to come to terms with reality. Waiting for a man you like to always make the first move, is now working against you. If you are not getting the attention from men like you did when you were younger, but you still want to date, it means you have to prepare yourself to start making the first move. Prepare yourself to ask men out on dates and risk rejection. As an older woman, you have to offer more than your competition if you want to beat out the competition. You have to put yourself out there, and that means that you may get embarrassed or even humiliated by a rejection.
That is the risk men take when they make the first move, and it is now a risk you must take as well in order to beat out the competition for their attention.
Expecting the Man to Always Pay; Even When You Ask Him Out
Prepare yourself to pay for dates. Do you believe in equality between the genders? Do you believe it is good to be independent? The best way to prove that is to at least pay for yourself when going out on a date. If you want to attract a quality man, then you must act like a quality lady.
To illustrate this point, I coached an older man who had met an older woman that he was really interested in dating initially, but then he was turned off from dating her. Here is his story:
Single Shane: He was asked out on a date by an older woman who “pursued” him. She had suggested a dinner and then a theatrical show afterwards. At the end of the meal she expected him to pay. He figured “Ok, I will pay for the meal and she will pay for the show tickets as she invited me, right?” At the theatre, they fought because she expected him to pay for the show too! Single Shane then walked away from the older woman.“
Refusing To Try New Ways Of Dating
One of the questions I get asked by older women is:
“Where do I meet new men to date?” The answer: Everywhere.
The grocery store, getting friends and family to set you up on blind dates, Speed Dating, introduction services and match making, social media, meet up groups, taking a class, and dating apps. That is just a sample. However, older women tend not to stretch themselves out of their comfort zones. They wait to be “found”, or have a preconceived notion about how a couple “should” meet.
If you are too attached to the fantasy in your mind about how you are “supposed” to meet your next great love, DO THIS: Sit down and write out the movie script that is in your mind. Now, put that script in a drawer and stop wasting time with your fantasies and focus on reality! You have to get out there to find him through taking action, not wishful thinking!
Take every opportunity to meet new people; get yourself out there, and TRY. If you try online dating and have no luck, stop blaming the dating site or app. Consider professional coaching on how to present yourself online to better attract quality dates. You do not get to stay home wishing for some mystery man to call you out of the blue, and ask you out on a date. Get out of the house, go do social things, get online, but whatever you do, GO FOR IT!
Frozen In Time
In my coaching practice with older women clients, a common problem with some of them is how frozen in time some of them are.
Now, I want to make it clear it is not all of them; but for a sizable group,
there is an issue of wishing that dating was
“just like in the past”,
to the point that
they hold themselves back
from modern dating conduct.
This can be a major obstacle
from not only getting a date,
but also wrecking their chances
when they have met someone to date.
If you are a woman
that is trapped by the past
because you refuse to adapt
to modern dating,
then you might be
making the choice
to be single.
Your role in the sexual attention paradigm is shifting from young women being on the receiving end of sexual attention, to older women now having to be on the projecting end of sexual attention.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
This means taking on a more proactive role in dating. This includes making the first move, paying for dates, risking rejection and so forth. It is all the traits associated with the concept of a traditional masculine gender role.
I personally believe the shift in the sexual attention paradigm is at the source of the dilemma because women don’t know how to aggressively pursue men when they want to date.
For young women, having sex and even love in their lives is more of a choice.
When she is younger, it seems as if things “just happen.”
As in:
She “just happens” to meet a guy that “just happened” to start a conversation with her. They “just happen” to have a romantic date where that first kiss “just happens” between the two of them. Sex “just happens”, and then maybe a relationship “just happens.”
Well, let me break the spell of the bubble of delusion for you ladies.
Nothing ever “just happens”.
The men had to work. They had to work at finding new ways to meet women. They had to sign up for classes/events/social outings they did not initially want to in order to put themselves out there just to indicate they were available and interested in dating, even if they came across desperate, awkward and needy.
It did not “just happen” for you, a man made it happen.
A man had to Work:
-Work at the initial the approach and first contact and risk rejection.
-Work at planning and paying for a date, and arrange for it to be romantic.
-Work at making your feel comfortable and creating the right moment to go in for a first kiss on the lips, so that you would not turn your head away in rejection and give him your cheek.
-Work at initiating making sex happen by creating the right atmosphere.
-Work very hard to keep your attention by attempting to anticipate your needs and wants. (This is I believe where the original problem of an older woman now expecting men to read her mind comes from), because he knew he was facing a saturated dating marketplace where the number of young ladies was vastly disproportionately lower to the number of potential suitors she had. He could easily get beaten out by any competition that retained her attention better than he could.
A man made all those things happen, regardless of all the odds against him, because if he did not, he would end up perpetually single and no one would pity him.
No one would allow him to play the victim card, and he could never be coddled, and blame women for not being good enough candidates. The onus was on him to work for it due to the saturated dating marketplace he was in. Either he put himself out there and committed to the work necessary to be a better dating candidate, or he would end up with the shame of either occasionally paying a prostitute for sex, or end up an adult male virgin.
For women who feel that things like dating and meeting someone “just happens” you need to stop and realize that it never just happened. It just feels like things “just happened” for you because someone else was doing the work to make all those things happen.
You might have been able to get away with acting naïve about the ways the sexual attention paradigm worked in your favor when you were younger, but you are now older, wiser, and more knowledgeable about the world, which means you do not get to be naïve about it any longer, and on some level you know that.
The dating marketplace was ALWAYS a saturated one.
It is just now that you are an older woman, you are switching roles with where the younger men used to be,
and now you have to put in the work.
from artist Ricky Whitney
It’s Not Fair!
Older women are right when they say life is not fair.
They feel that life is not fair because many of them no longer receive the same level of attention they used to get when they were younger. In addition, there are fewer men interested in pursuing them.
They are correct.
It was not fair then, when they were younger and they didn’t have to work as hard for the attention, which was in their favor.
It is not fair now that they are older
and it’s not in their favor anymore,
and now they must actively pursue men.
That is life, and life is often not fair, nor has it ever been fair.
It is what it is, and that aspect of life is not going to change.
Life was never fair to the men who had to fight for the attention of a woman, the same type of attention of a man that older women are now fighting for.
Some of these changes in social norms may seem unfair. However, these changes are directly tied to other changes in social norms that most people would agree are good for society. Remember that at one time, women were not allowed to vote, could not enroll for education, could not be a single parent, could not file for divorce, couples of different races and religions could not legally be together, certain sexual orientations were considered a mental illness, and a number of people did not have options based on their own choices. All of those social norms changed for the betterment of society.
People have more rights and opportunities today than they ever did before (mind you, I am not saying there isn’t room for improvement, but it is better than it is used to be). With those new social norms comes a social cost.
The price is that a person must know what they want and be willing to do whatever it takes to go after it.
It is in knowing what you want that helps you choose the best options for you when you are overwhelmed by the power of the choices that you have.
The power of choice is what makes dating so complicated.
The power of choice
without knowing what to do with it,
can lead people to misery.
That is something I see a lot of in my coaching practice.
People simply not knowing themselves enough to eliminate options from the overwhelming choices, to figure out what to do with their lives and love lives.
Today, gender roles (part of those pesky social norms that have modified over the years) are a little more fluid.
That means that older women must adapt to those changes and take on some of the behaviors they associated as only falling under the role of males, if they intend to beat the odds and be the older women that actually have a man in their lives.
Reason # 9
Unreasonable Expectations
Not everyone is going to be into you just because you expect they should be. It is one thing if you believe in yourself and feel you have a lot to offer. That is good self-esteem. However, if you expect that everyone should recognize it, without you having to prove it, then we are crossing over into the realm of unreasonable expectations.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
I often hear from older women who are single that they simply cannot find good men. Those men in general, simply fall short of meeting her expectations. However, each time I encounter such a report, what I do not see explored by her is whether or not the expectations of the older woman complaining are reasonable given her circumstances.
Come Back Soon To Read Part 12 of this Series
why dating is harder for older women part 10
trigger warning
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
The issue is not that older woman have baggage. Let’s be clear, we ALL have some baggage. As reported by my client base, the issue is that older women want to share, discuss, and disseminate all of their baggage early on while dating. This turns off many older men, who have baggage of their own and do not want to hear her baggage right away, until he decides if he wants to even date her again!
The 2 issues that I hear the most from older male clients with regards to dating older women are:
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
1. Older women turn dates into therapy sessions. They are seeking a friendly ear to listen to their problems, but they are not interested in actually having a date.
2. Older women come across as bitter
Issue # 1
Sometimes what an older woman really needs is to have a friend who will listen to her. In the absence of a friend, she attempts to date in order to seek out that kind of friendship. However, dating to find friendship does not work.
People do not go on dates to find friends.
They go on dates to find someone to be romantic with.
If you are an older woman who is not really interested in dating, but are using the guise of dating to find friendship for companionship, it is likely you are going to get rejected a lot. You will never get either a second date, or a friendship.
dating rules
Quality older men do not want women they have to rescue.
Dating is no time for a “woe-is-me” pity party. Dating is when you showcase what you have to offer as you explore what he has to offer to you.
Dating is not a time to recruit sympathy for how life has been so unfair to you.
from artist Ricky Whitney
If you need a friend to listen to you and comfort you, but you are not interested in having someone make a pass at you on a date, do not date! Start a support group instead.
At least you will find the support you seek without having to reject someone’s unwanted advances, or be rejected by someone who wanted more than just friendship.
Do not date if all you want is friendship.
If you seek an audience instead of a relationship;
start therapy, not dating.
I am not being mean. I am very serious in that I want you to heal. You need a competent therapist, not a new boyfriend.
If you carry your core hurt into every new relationship without healing that core hurt, it will surface and ruin your chances when you do finally date a great guy.
If you have found an older man who wants to be your therapist, most likely he suffers from “The Savior Complex”, which is a whole other topic and article for another time.
Issue # 2
Some older women come across angry, negative and very bitter. They are so bitter in fact that no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, their bitter personality will leave a bad taste in the scope of the older men who have dared to date them.
It does not matter why you are bitter. That is not the issue, nor is it a puzzle for the next older man you date to solve.
It is no man’s responsibility to teach you that all men are not the same. That's not his job.
Just like it is not your job as a woman to prove to him that not all women are the same. It is up to each individual to deal with his or her own preconceived notions.
Hint:
If you already believe that all men are the same,
those are the only men you will end up with.
When you do meet a man who is different, you simply will not have the faith required to see it through and give him a chance.
A quality older man doesn’t stick around too long if he has to convince you; because he does not have too.
He knows that it is not his job,
and he has too many other options
to be too preoccupied with convincing you.
An older woman should not take her bitterness out on an older man (or any man for that matter) that she is interested in dating.
Just like the way you do not want to have to pay the price for any mistakes other women have made against the older man you may be dating.
Every older woman who is drowning in bitterness has her reasons.
*Some are bitter from unmet, unreasonable expectations. For example: She resents that she does not get the same attention from men at her current age, that she used to get when she was in her 20s.
*Some are bitter because of the way they were treated by the men they was involved with in the past.
*Some women are bitter because despite their best efforts to take care of their health, their bodies are still breaking down.
*Some are bitter because they made some bad choices. For example: She left a good man to be with a new lover, and the new lover abandoned her shortly thereafter.
*Some are bitter because they have a lot to offer; yet they struggle to find a relationship partner and do not understand why they can’t. (This is one of the reasons that prompted me to put together this article).
You have a right to your own emotions.
If you are bitter about your life, own it.
Deal with it, and process it.
However, do not take it out on men.
Men are not the reason you are in the situation you are in.
It is not because “there are no good men” out there. There are great men out there. You probably have met them. They usually come in the form of men you have rejected and put into the “friend-zone”.
Remember those nice guys?
Guys who were “too nice”, to the point you weren’t attracted to them and rejected them?
If every guy you ever dated was a “jerk”, you have to address the common element in every relationship you have ever had: You.
You are the common element in every dating dilemma you have ever had. Until you make you better; you will not have your relationships with men get better. Be accountable for your choices, and stop bashing men because you are bitter about the way your life ended up.
In conversations about dating men, or in an actual conversation with a men while on a date, your bitterness can come through with how you interpret the way the conversation is going.
If he is sharing his preferences and interests of how he hopes a relationship will develop and play out with you, and your first reaction is to immediately say something very negative, it may be coming from a very real core hurt.
For example: He mentions that he has to travel for business a few times a year. Is your first thought:
A) He is insinuating that he wants a submissive housewife that never is allowed to leave the house.
Or
B) You will ask him more about where he likes to travel and what kind of vacation the two of you could take?
If you answered “A” you are reacting with your own baggage.
THAT is an example of YOUR BAGGAGE.
If you are nursing an emotional wound, but you also do want to have a new relationship in your life, it is best that you make every effort to heal your core hurt.
When your core hurt causes you to lash out negatively, it will shut you down from hearing what people are actually saying to you, and it will completely turn away older men who would have loved to have gotten closer to you.
Do not suppress your core hurt. Face it, process it, and heal it. If all you do is suppress it with “positive talk”, your core hurt will materialize in self-sabotaging and emotionally destructive behaviors that will actually make your personality unattractive, even to someone that originally liked you.
Quality older men interpret women who male bash as a red flag.
I cannot say it any more clear than that. Gender Bashing is a red flag that will cost you a great potential candidate.
Whether veiled in humor or not, male bashing is still gender hate.
Men know when they see it; male bashing jokes, anti-dating memes, and a disdain for the male gender. Do not kid yourselves ladies.
The men on your social media acknowledge it for what it is: a sign that even if you are attractive enough for sex, you are not “serious-relationship-candidacy”.
Maybe you feel justified in your anti-male rhetoric because of what men did to you in your past.
Real quality men will not be as sympathetic.
What they will want to know is how long you stayed with those men? How often did you choose to date jerks, while rejecting the nice guys that asked you out?
Quality men will not judge you for what men did to you in the past. They will judge you on how you coped with it, and how you left it behind.
contact a love coach right now
Quality older men know that you chose to date your ex, and stay with your ex. Older men know that men generally must approach women first and make the first moves with the risk of rejection.
It is the women who choose who they end up dating.
If you are bitter because you did not know you should have chosen the nice guys that you rejected, a quality older man is not going to want to hear you complain about it now.
Men are not the reason you are miserable
and have a miserable love life.
Your inability to chose better dating candidates did that.
Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?
Women do not male bash
because they remain single.
They remain single because they male bash.
Quality older men want nothing to do with your bitterness. Quality older men do not want to have to rescue you from yourself.
Quality men want a quality woman that expects as much from herself as she does from him, and focuses on what she has to offer as much as what she wants from him.
To illustrate exactly how important this is, I want to share some of my work experience with you. I work as a coach for a high-end matchmaking agency. This means I coach, among other people, older men who are millionaires. These older men are very wealthy and are looking for a serious relationship. Here is where I tend to surprise older women:
The vast majority of older men, even the millionaires, would rather enter into relationships with women their own age than with women who are younger.
Believe it or not, I can tell you from my personal experience, that over 80% of these older men WANT to date older women.
However, they are often so disappointed with how older women behave on dates, that some of them just give up trying to date older women and instead only try to date younger women.
Do you hear me?
Wealthy older men want someone they can enjoy life with for the little time they have left alive. They face the reality of their mortality and know that they are on borrowed time. An older man does not want to stick around for an older woman who holds onto her misery. He has enough of his own baggage!
What he is looking for is more joy in his life.
what to talk about on a date
I had an older male client share this story with me
that illustrates this point:
Single Steve: Things were going really well with the older woman he was dating, until one night he started getting raging texts from her! Steve had no clue what she was texting about. She accused him of cheating on her, planning to hit her, and all kinds of negative things. Later, she wrote to Steve to say that she had “kind of just lost her cool that night and lashed out at him.” She texted to him that she was “sorry”. He told her to NEVER contact him again! He was not willing to be "some punching bag for her lousy past."
It is never a man’s job to heal you
from your past hurts.
You have to heal yourself.
It is only his job to build a future with you together.
It is an unreasonable expectation to expect a quality man to tolerate your inexcusable behaviors.
what to say on a first date
Heal first. Then find love next. Do not expect a man to create joy for you. You have to learn to find joy in your own life.
If you are seeking a man to save you, the only men you will attract are men that have as much, or even more, baggage than you do!
Consider this objectively: Reverse the genders.
Would you want to date an older man drowning in his own baggage that constantly belittles women, expresses misogynistic comments, and then passes them off as crude humor?
If you met an older man who thinks all women are evil, selfish, “take-what-you-can-get-and-then-dump-them”, wouldn’t your guard be up?
If the older man that asked you out, posts memes on his social media about everything that is wrong with women, and generalizes all women as “gold-diggers”, “sperm stealing”, and “paternity fraud con-artists”, based on how all of his ex-wives lied, cheated and stole from him, would you be jumping at the bait to date him?
Of course not!
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
There is no way you would ever date a man who came across like he was going to mistreat you as revenge for everything the women in his past put him through.
Right?
Do you now understand why an older man isn’t rushing to date you when you have bitter baggage?
An attachment to your past heartbreaks is the worst place to put your focus on if you want to experience love today.
Heal from your past, and work on making your present worthwhile, so you can have a future to look forward too with more love.
Reason # 8
Resisting Change
The social norms surrounding sex and dating evolve as society evolves. What was considered common sense knowledge in the past may not be considered common sense today. What was unacceptable in the past may be fully expected of you today. What was more than acceptable in the past might not be acceptable today.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
Older women who hold on to certain dating codes of behaviors that they followed when they were younger, will do well to connect with older men that also follow and hold on to those same dating codes of behaviors.
why dating is harder for older women part 9
trigger warning
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
And that is OK!
Believe it or not,
it is OK to be single
Some people are happier and better off when they are perpetually single. I am saying this as a Dating and Relationship Coach that some people do NOT need to be in a relationship or dating or having regular sex to be happy.
If that is the case, then why is this even a problem?
Why would being single for too long be a problem for older women?
It is only a problem if an older woman wants a serious relationship. Why? The longer a person (regardless of gender) remains single, the more challenging it is to adjust their thinking about adapting to being in a relationship again, when an opportunity finally happens.
To help me explain this, I want to share with you my experience coaching adult aged virgins.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
An entire branch specialty of my Coaching Practice is working with adult aged virgins. These (mostly men) are in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s (and older!), who have never had a girlfriend, and never had sex. (See the upcoming conclusion section to understand how that could even happen). This population faces many challenges. It is more than just about finding the courage to ask a woman out.
 adult male virgin handbook cover | |
One of the challenges they face is starting to THINK like a potential boyfriend. Seeking to be in a relationship may require a major shift in day-to-day thinking. A person who is single for a really long time, might not be open to ways of thinking that actually help in meeting people to date as well as enter into a relationship.
What does that mean?
It means, that getting into dating to seek out a relationship, especially after a very long absence (in this case, never having done it), requires a major shift in mindset.
It means being willing to disrupt your day-to-day lifestyle routine and factor in someone new into every decision you make.
Scary huh?
So an older woman faces similar challenges if she has been single for a long time.
No more being able to make a snap decision on a whim and taking a vacation at the drop of a hat. When you are in a relationship, there is someone else to consider. Someone else’s work schedule to check in with, someone else’s opinion to ask and someone else’s needs to compromise for. Really scary huh?
Wait! What if the person you are about to get serious with comes with family? Ready to bite your tongue when his parents occasionally cross the line? Ready to be a step-mom to his young kids? Ready to be a step-mom to his adult children? Ready to be step-granny to his grandchildren? Do you even like kids? Ready to give up lots of your time for weekly family dinners, graduations and birthday parties? Really-really scary huh?
Being single is not all bad. There are some good elements to it. You can come and go as you please, and you never have to factor anyone else into every decision you make. Things change when you include people in your life.
If you are not used to it,
finding yourself on the verge of a relationship
can be a very intimidating thing.
All of a sudden,
your entire way of life seems,
almost threatened,
even if the relationship
you are about to embark on is a potentially positive one.
When a person gets used to being single, it can sometimes become harder for that person to compromise. The very idea that she would have to change anything is almost unthinkable.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
But if you are an older woman and you actually WANT a relationship, then you must understand that you will have to ease up on some of your expectations, because part of being in a relationship is factoring in the other person.
That is why:
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
The longer a person is single,
the more it is considered to be a red flag.
It is not an issue of a person being desirable or not
(desire is in the loins of the holder).
It is a red flag because such a person may not know how to take another person into consideration in their day-to-day activities.
For example:
One of the biggest areas that single people need to be aware of that is going to keep them single, is how they cope with conflict.
How a person copes with conflict has a HUGE impact to a single person being able to transition into a
“romantic-relationship-capable-candidate”.
Some people, who have been single for a long time, are out of practice with managing intense emotions during conflicts with loved ones.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
When someone is single, it is easy to get into the habit of withdrawing from a person you are having a conflict with and choosing to put a lot of distant between the two of you, and your next communication.
If you are single and living alone, it is easy to get upset, tune out, and avoid communication for hours, days or even weeks. Some people handle conflict this way, and have the time to calm down and just avoid having to deal with the actual issue.
However, you simply cannot do that in an intimate romantic relationship.
When you are in a serious relationship, there is no being away for days at a time if you want to actually succeed long term. You need to deal with an issue head-on.
When you are single it is easier to run from conflict than it is to be in a serious relationship. This is why people who are single for a long time might lose the habits that help a serious relationship work out.
Here are some additional examples
of some real older women clients
that I have coached.
They refused to act
like they wanted a relationship,
even though they actually did:
Single Sarah: She had gotten into the habit of spending the night at an ex’s house; not for sex, but for friendship. They remained good friends after their break up, and a couple of times a month she would go over to his place to talk, and after they would fall asleep in the same bed. Sometimes they were wearing PJs, but sometimes they were in less. When she started to see new partners, none of them stuck around when she was open about wanting to continue this friendly arrangement with her ex.
Single Shelly: She would let her male friends (mostly gay men) caress her breasts as a joke, and lick her neck during drinking games. It was “all in fun “she said, and “no big deal”. When dating, she would tell the man that she only wanted Monogamy, but that she had no intention of stopping her behaviors with her male friends, because “that’s the way it has always been” between her and her friends since college.
Single Samantha: She really liked her alone time. She had gotten into the habit of being alone on Saturdays, and using that day to catch up on all her errands. After, she would binge watch her new favorite television series. She liked her schedule kept as it was and did not want to replace her television night with a date night. Even if she was seeing a guy for a few weeks, Saturday was her “Me-Time”.
Single Stephanie: She hated cooking and cleaning, and she especially hated having to clean up after cooking. She had gotten into the habit of having her meals over the kitchen sink instead of a table because she felt that it was just more “efficient” that way. She resented cooking for her dates when she invited them over. As she was not used to sitting at a table for meals, she ended up so distracted by all the crumbs on the table and those that hit the floor during the dinner dates, that she could not focus on talking to her date.
Single Sophie: She was a very loyal, and dedicated friend to her female friends. Even when she was currently dating someone, she would still go out with her single female friends and act as the “wing woman”. She would flirt, dance, and accept drinks from the male friends of the men her girlfriends were trying to pick up. She “did not want to let her friends down” just because she was dating a new man in her life.
Single Sabrina: She has been living alone for years and loves sleeping in her big bed by herself. She is not used to rolling over and bumping into another sleeping body. She isn’t used to hearing another person breath (or snore!) while she is trying to sleep. Years ago, when she did have lovers stay the night, she wouldn’t get a wink of sleep, so started to ask her lovers to sleep on the couch after sex, so she could get sleep. After she got her pet, she would tell her lovers that they had to sleep on the couch because it was Foo-Foo’s spot to sleep next to her.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Single Sally: She values her privacy. She has friends and is socially active, but she keeps a lot of information about her life and personal preferences on a very limited “need-to-know” basis. When she is on a date and the man tries to get to know her through small talk, she sometimes gets defensive. She is not used to sharing information and that makes her feel vulnerable, even when the intent of the question is benign.
Single Sasha: She has gotten too comfortable. She hasn’t really dated in years, and enjoys only wearing comfortable, frumpy, casual clothing. She doesn’t feel the need to impress anyone. She doesn’t want to fix her hair, wear make up, or dress sexy. She ignores grooming tips normally associated with dating, and having a sexual relationship with a new partner. She would rather just be comfortable, and not have to try too hard.
Single Sandy: She loves a good party, and especially loves going out drinking with her girlfriends. The last time a man asked her out on a Saturday night, she told him that she might be too hung over to go out on Saturday night, because she would be out with her girlfriends on Friday. She’d let him know on if she was going to be available Saturday night. She will not change her social schedule to accommodate dating.
In all the above cases, the issue is that certain behaviors do not lend themselves to attracting quality partners. The behaviors themselves are not the issue. If you are single, the only person you have to answer to is yourself.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
However, if you want to be in a relationship you must be mindful that the people you want to attract and date may not be compatible with your idiosyncrasies.
You will have to compromise on some of your rigidity to be respectful of the boundaries of your relationship partner.
If you remain inflexible,
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
and the energy and message you convey with your actions and attitude is:
“GO AWAY!”
You are going to push away many great,
quality older men who were interested in dating you.
Wanting a relationship is simply not enough.
You have to be willing to change any “push-away” behaviors so that you also ACT like you want a relationship.
This really shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. If you are out of habit of using any particular skill set, over time your skills will dull in that skill set. Being able to attract someone through communication and taking actions is a skills set. Being able to manage a relationship is a skill set.
Being able to behave in a way that caters to making a relationship work is a skill set. Like any skill set, if you do not employ them you lose them.
It is not like riding a bike where you let your muscle member take over. This is about how to relate to people, and how to calibrate and adjust to the person you are emotionally connected with.
This is why people who date a lot, will likely continue to date a lot.
People that are good in relationships will likely continue to end up in good relationships. People, who cannot attract another, will likely continue to be unable to attract another. People that have always been able to turn on the charm will likely continue to turn on the charm. As long as they keep their skills in practice, they will continue to get similar results.
It is not something that a person is born with.
It is a skill that can be learned.
Once learned it is necessary to repeat them over and over again until the behaviors become second nature.
Ambition and effort when not used decline because lack of use causes loss of that skill set.
The social skill set of being in a relationship can be lost if it remains unused for a lengthy period of time. That is why being single for a long time can be a major red flag in dating.
***************************************************************************************************
Reason # 7
Baggage
I do not think it is fair to say that older women have more baggage than other human beings. I do not believe that is the case. If you are human you have baggage; regardless of your gender.
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
When I am coaching older male clients, the issue that I often hear them express is that although they are fully attracted to older women and they want to be in a relationship with an older woman when they have attempted to date them, some older women turn a romantic date into a therapy session (when they promptly empty their baggage)!
Why dating is harder for older women part 8
trigger warning
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
What is worse is that an older woman’s friends can further encourage this kind of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
If an older woman becomes preoccupied with what other people think, especially what her friends think of her,
(seeking her friends APPROVAL)
I can predict that she will continue to be a single older woman.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Sometimes the reason
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
a woman is perpetually single
despite everything she has going for her,
IS HER FRIENDS.
Your friends could become
the saboteurs at the crossroads
of your journey of love in this life.
Some women simply cannot stand to see their girlfriends find someone that is special to them because they feel that a relationship steals a friend's attention from them (just EVIL!).
In fact, I know of a number of older women who struggle to have their friends introduce them to potential mates, because many of their friends mention (in a joking manner of course) that they would then lose a great babysitter or wing-woman if she found a relationship!
Unfortunately, it turns out not to be that much of a joke.
I teach that a real friend helps you get what you want.
If you want sex; a friend does not stand in your way.
If you want to date someone; a friend does not discourage you against it.
If you want to take your relationship to the next level; a friend gives your new partner a chance and gets to know him or her.
Just because someone is your friend, does not mean they will be your allies in love.
learn to be charming
It is not the job or obligation of any of your friends to help you find love. However, a true friend does not stand in your way of finding happiness by making you feel guilty for putting time and effort into meeting your potential soul mate, even when it takes time away from you being with that same friend.
Friends are important, but you need to keep it in perspective. When pushed to extremes, even your best, closest friends, will put the needs and welfare of their own spouse, children, and themselves, ahead of the needs and welfare of their friends, and rightly so assuming they are respectable spouses, good parents and have normal personal boundaries.
You deserve that kind of loving commitment of your own, with your own life partner if you want it. You will have to make some different choices than you made in the past to get it.
Your happiness must never be based on your friend's approval.
You are the one that must accept the consequences of your choices. Whether those consequences are your life being ruined for choosing the wrong person OR living a (for lack of a better term) happily-ever-after; those are your consequences to deal with, not your friends consequences.
If you want to get to know someone but are reluctant to give that person a chance because you are afraid that your friends will not approve, then you are telling the world that you deserve all the misery a lonely future has in store for you.
An example of this: Your friends accuse you of lowering your standards because the person you happen to like is someone they would consider unattractive.
Sorry, but whether you do what you want, or you do what your friends want...the consequences of your choices are always the same...they are always YOURS.
Until you come to terms with the fact that the only approval you really need to build the love life you want is your own, you will never get to the higher levels of awareness to be able to have the intimate connections you have heard so much about.
If your love life choices are unduly influenced by the approval of your friends, you will never truly own your love life.
A true friend is someone who wants to see you happy. Even if that happiness means you will be spending more time with a serious romantic partner, and less time with your friend.
A true friend is OK with this.
A true friend is OK with this.
Reason # 6
Being Single for Too Long
Being Single for Too Long
You wake up one day, look at the calendar and you realize that today is the anniversary of your last break up.
It took place 10 years ago!
Then it hits you; you have been single a long time.
Sure, you had a date here and there, and maybe a handful of one night stands along the way, but they do not count because you did not stop being single. In fact, even the one-night stands stopped years ago as you have reached a point where you just could not be bothered. (More of that “fun is not fulfillment” thing).
why dating is harder for older women part 7
trigger warning
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
Is your emotional need for chemistry so important that it gets in the way of being fulfilled? Is it a way for you to escape having to be vulnerable in dating, and helps you hide behind your secret fear of intimacy? Only you can answer that for yourself.
When that feeling of butterflies in your tummy becomes more important that how a man treats you, a woman is more likely to make regrettable choices when it comes to dating and relationships.
Older women that I have coached sometimes make the mistake of confusing LUST with LOVE.
Here is a perspective; think of instant chemistry as lust. Lust is a place some couples start, and sometimes it can grow into love over time, or sometimes if fizzles out.
However, if you seek something other than lust at first sight, and learn how to create the feeling of lust with people that you do get along with better, perhaps that might be something that changes it for you.
It does take work to ignite chemistry where there is none, but if it is worthwhile for you, then it is worth the work.
In any relationship, after the “Honeymoon” phase is over, and the two of you get down to building a future and face the grind of real life, a solid friendship as a foundation for your relationship, may be exactly what is necessary to carry you both through a life time commitment. Notice, I said friendship, not chemistry.
Chemistry will not carry you through anything,
other than maybe
make you stick around in a bad situation
until the next sexual encounter.
Does the chemistry have to be instant, or do you take the time to explore creating chemistry? If chemistry has to be instant for you, and you are refusing to put in the time to let love develop, as an older woman, you could be doing yourself a great disservice.
Love is something worthwhile.
All things worthwhile require effort. That is part of what makes them worthwhile.
Do not confuse getting attention with finding love.
Getting attention can be easier, and finding love is not.
One of the biggest struggles that older women have when they seek out coaching is trying to work out the paradox that the type of person that they are most turned on by, is actually not the kind of person they would be able to be in a relationship with.
from artist Ricky Whitney
Coaching Workbook For Women In fact, depending on what a person values and wants for their future, the kinds of people they are hot for, are actually not the kinds of people they would trust with their bank accounts.
When romance and lust take priority over compatible values and desired lifestyle, the results simply have the poorest chances of succeeding as a long-term relationship.
The issue of course is that romance and lust tend to be time limited. What turns you on today may not be what turns you on tomorrow. What drives us to feel attraction is not solely based on what we were born to feel attraction for.
What I refer to in my work as our “Internal Attraction Mechanism” can be programmed and re-programmed throughout our lives by life experience.
Through life experience, we learn to associate feelings of attraction with certain stimuli, and feelings of repulsion with other stimuli.
For example:
Remember that nice guy you rejected because you did not feel an attraction for him? Remember how things changed when you noticed that other women found him attractive enough to date and you started to get jealous?
Remember how that is around the time you also noticed positive aspects of him that you never noticed because you rejected him too quickly before giving him a chance?
That is one example of how chemistry can develop over time.
For those people who have experience with mental illness, do you remember how you lost interest in anything sexual with anyone, least of all your partner at the time? It had nothing to do with the other person; it only had to do with what was going on within you.
Again, chemistry is fleeting. It can be there, it can disappear, and it might appear when you least expect it.
One thing if for sure:
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
as fun as chemistry is,
chemistry does NOT promise fulfillment,
and it is not what you base the foundation
of a successful long-term relationship on.
On that note, if you are currently best friends with an older man, and that older man is a little attracted to you, and even asked you out, then do both of you a favor;
Say yes, and give it a chance.
Yes, it may be a little awkward at first, but most first romantic interactions can be so, with any new partner. Allowing a deep friendship to deepen even more into a loving relationship allows for the foundation of your relationship to also have the benefit of long nourished roots.
We all have our type. By “type” I am referring to that type of person each of us is madly attracted too. Each of us has our preference of what we like, what turns us on, and what drives us wild. Sometimes, the type of person we are attracted too is the kind of person that we can function well in a relationship with.
But other times, the very type of person we are most attracted to, is exactly the type of person that is simply incompatible as a long-term partner. It can be a certain kind of look a person exhibits, even a skin tone or complexion. It may be a style of clothing, certain accessories that catch the eye, a body type or even a particular scents like a cologne that draws us in with one whiff.
Shallowness is not part of any recipe to long-term relationship success. When considered in this context, a lot of what a person prefers in terms of attraction, may actually have very little to do with having any sense of security to establish a solid base foundation that long-term relationships require to stand the test of time.
Just for the record; if you are an older woman that refuses to put in effort to date an older man because he was not your first choice (chemistry wise), but yet complain that older men are shallow for only dating good looking younger women, you must at least be willing to face that you are exhibiting the same level of shallowness that you are raging against.
Lying to yourself will keep you single.
Does this mean that
the only way to have a successful long-term relationship
is to seek someone that that you are not actually interested in?
No actually.
However, it does suggest that you may want to find ways to strike a balance between what turns you on, and what is in your best long-term interest.
There Are Couples
In some cases, there are couples that simply do without. They pair up with someone that makes them happy and they are attracted to, but is not their ideal fantasy attractor. In those cases, a couple may have traded in wanton lust, for a happier and more stable life.
(Remember when I talked about
fun vs. fulfillment
earlier in the article?)
In other cases, there are couples that on the surface do without, but behind closed doors have affairs to satisfy needs that are not being addressed by their main partner. This leaves the couple very vulnerable when secrets become exposed.
Finally, there are people who refuse to cheat and attempt to structure a consensual non-monogamous relationship with their partner in order to be open and honest about their needs being unmet, and work on having them met outside of the primary relationship. (This is currently estimated as roughly 21% of the population by two different studies).
Teaching The Rules of Monogamy and Consensual Non-Monogamy
However for the record, most people practicing consensual non-monogamy do so because they are simply not wired to be monogamous, regardless of how good or how bad their primary relationship is.
Whether doing without, or structuring a consensual non-monogamous relationship is the answer to this challenge is basically up to the individuals and the couples involved.
What I can tell you for sure from my experience is that the consequences of cheating, and or being cheated on, are always more severe than trying to find a better solution.
You may not control whom you are attracted to,
but you do control your behaviors as to what you do with that attraction.
It is simply a process of learning about yourself
and how to manage your relational expectations.
Reason # 5
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Reason # 5 Too Preoccupied with Friends Opinions
Desperate!
If there is one thing I hear over and over again from older women is that they do not want to appear, or come across as desperate. So these women hold back from asking men out, and making their interests known.
When older women get together with their friends (also older and single women) some start acting like they are too good for dating and don’t need a man in their lives.
Right.
why dating is harder for older women part 6
trigger warning
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
It is called Hypergamy.
Hypergamy: (aka “marrying up”) refers to someone (usually a woman) seeking to get involved with someone else of a higher social status than herself.
What I see in my practice when coaching women, is that some women will prioritize certain traits, not because it reflects a particular value system she employs but because she seeks a man that has everything she already has, and wants the same or higher status. (e.g. If she has a summer home in Europe, she wants to find a man that already has a summer home in Europe or multiple homes more than she does.)
I have coached women who want a man that has a particular degree, because she has that same degree.
Some examples:
*If she has a Bachelor’s degree, she seeks a man that has a bachelor’s degree or higher.
*If she has a certificate from a community college, she wants the man she gets serious with, to also have a certificate from a community college or higher.
*If she makes 250K a year, she seeks a man that makes as much as she does, or higher.
This may seem like a reasonable idea, but in practice it is not.
In essence, for women who give into Hypergamy, the higher the status they acquire, the less men there are that qualify as potential dating partners.
For men, it is the opposite.
The higher the status that men acquire, the more the bounty of acceptable potential partners increases, because men do not practice Hypergamy. Men generally do not require their potential partners to have the same resources or status as they do.
For example: A millionaire male does not require that his lovers also be millionaires already. He focuses on what he wants out of dating and relationships (sex, being treated well, how she can fit into his lifestyle?) and seeks women out according to his needs. This is much in the same way an employer seeks out employees to fill particular roles in the company. They do not seek out employees who also own rival companies themselves.
This is why men generally can date from a larger pool of candidates.
A millionaire female practicing Hypergamy will only want to date a man who is as wealthy or wealthier than she is. (Which decreases the pool of potential candidates she can date).
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
Here is the thing that I try to explain to women:
Whether or not a man has exactly the same status as you do, is not a clear representation of what kind of life partner he would be.
- -"I cannot be attracted or even turned on by him if he makes less than 125K", says the woman who is very attractive but makes less than 40K a year at her dead end job.
- -"I refuse to date a man who works hard and steady at a blue-collar job because he is not ambitious enough", says the woman who dropped out of college and chose to work part time, instead of full time.
- -"If he cannot keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to, he does not deserve me", says the kept woman turning 35, who has never had a boyfriend or a job in her life, because none of the suitors interested in her, can match her father’s wealth that has been supporting her lavish lifestyle.
- -"There is no way I would ever date a guy with kids that I would have to also raise, with him paying alimony and child support to his ex", says the woman who is a single mother collecting child support and alimony from her ex.
- -"I refuse to go out with the guy I am being set up with, because I make 20K more a year at my job than he makes. I just can’t do that".
- -"So what if I am on disability? That doesn’t mean that I have to settle and date some guy who is also on disability! I deserve better."
Try thinking of Hypergamy as a sense of entitlement.
Hypergamy is why many high status women struggle to find a relationship. These women fail to realize that the men who can best support her high status lifestyle, are the men that have less status than she does. (That is what gives him the time to be in a supportive role).
However, when she starts employing Hypergamy she effectively eliminates those men from the bounty of potential life partners. If she is an older woman, that means she is downsizing an already reduced pool of candidates.
There may be “plenty of fish in the sea”, BUT...
if the older fishing lady seeks a fish about the same age as she is,
and if you factor in all the fish dying before she does,
and only a smaller group of the remaining fish
are going to bite at her bait,
and she further engages unreasonable criteria
in her Hypergamy
to screen out fish that swim in lower levels
than she is used to floating at,
she might as well as be fishing in a bucket!
from artist Ricky Whitney
My advice to older women who are letting their own Hypergamy get in the way, is to keep your Hypergamy in check. If you find that you simply cannot be attracted to a man who makes less money than you do, or has less education than you do, or anything else that has nothing to do with the kind of relationship partner he can be for you, then I would suggest that you complete a coaching program, or seek out therapy to work on the issues of your “Internal Attraction Mechanism”.
Ask yourself: Are you using Hypergamy to reject men as an excuse to cover up your own fear of intimacy? (It has been known to happen).
You cannot afford to waste your time on criteria that isn’t actually relevant to finding a serious relationship when you are an older woman.
Reason # 4
Too Preoccupied with Chemistry
Chemistry is important. Attraction is important.
There is no disputing that.
However, the question is HOW important is chemistry? Important enough that if the chemistry is not there, but everything else is, you would walk away? In that case; have you ever considered that chemistry might be too important for you?
why dating is harder for older women part 5
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Third Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
These are the men that say they are not interested in having kids, but would be open to it. They do not actually want to get a younger woman pregnant, but dating a woman young enough that he can potentially get pregnant makes him feel that he has the option of having a child.
In other cases, there are older men who are seeking relationships, and who have zero interest in having children (see my comments above regarding the vasectomy population), but who simply would rather date younger women. Sometimes it is just a matter of seeking out what he is more attracted too. Sometimes it is the fact that he has tried to date older and younger women, and he is just more compatible lifestyle-wise with a younger women (See my point later on in this article about older women carrying baggage).
Before you get angry at older men for seeking out younger women, do keep in mind that in the end, women are the ones choosing who they end up dating just as much as the men, and there is no shortage of younger women that adore, pursue and only date older men. I kid you not when I tell you there is a large amount of younger women that actively seek out older men for relationships (usually in secret), not just because of some kind of attraction (although it can happen), but also in part because of the lifestyle an older man can often afford to shower her with, that a man her own age cannot.
Just a word to all the older women who feel they lose older men to younger women.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
I want to make a very important point to you.
An older woman that HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER
WILL ALWAYS WIN
against a younger woman
in getting a relationship with an older man
who is open to being in a relationship with an older woman.
Not just sex, but an actual committed relationship.
You WILL understand more as you read the rest of this article.
For that matter, there are a number of younger men and older women who enjoy each other in the “hook up” culture as well.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
However as discussed, women tend not to find fulfillment in the “hook up” culture, and the older women/younger men involvements do not turn into serious relationships, because most of those younger men at some point may want the option of being in a serious relationship with a woman that has the potential of having children with him.
Unless an older man takes specific actions and/or suffers from poor health, his biological clock does not work the same way for him as it does for women.
This means that age gap relationships where older men are with younger women have more opportunity to get serious than older women with younger men.
Are there relationships that work out between older women and younger men?
Yes. Of course!
I would love to hear from you in the comments to help older women feel some hope in this matter, because what I tend to hear in my practice is how older women feel a loss of hope in competing with younger women, for the attention of older men. Those successful relationships do exist. When those relationships do not work out, there are just as many reasons why it does not work out for couples of all ages.
For the older men who DO seek a serious relationship with older women:
I once had a debate with a colleague regarding:
Why it seemed that there were more older men who got married after becoming a widower, and not as many older women getting married after becoming widows.
She made the argument that men needed women more, and that is why older men married more often than older women in the same age group. What she did not factor in: Because older women outnumber older men, those men who are open to having a serious relationship with older women will have a much easier time finding someone faster, and settling down again faster. Older women who simply cannot find an older man, (even if they would rather be in a relationship with an older man), have to do without.
It is not because men need women more than women need men. It has to do with basic supply and demand. The supplies of older men that seek relationships are not available to meet the demand of older women seeking older men for serious relationships.
Older men that do want a serious relationship with an older woman have a buffet-style/pick-of-the-litter options.
Reason # 3
Hypergamy
Ok, so we have already covered how there are less men alive for older women to date, and of those that are still alive and available to date, only a subset of them would be interested in getting into serious relationships with women, and then a subset of the subset would only be interested in dating older women.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
Now we get to how women will be the ones that further shrink the pool of eligible older male candidates that they can date.
why dating is harder for older women part 4
trigger warning
Reason # 2: The Second Factor ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Emotionally speaking, all relationships come with risk: the risk of heartbreak. Even when all you have with someone else is casual sex, feelings can still form, attachment can happen, and depending on how well a person can manage their emotional reality and their expectations, people's hearts can still get broken.
However, when it comes to serious relationships, in our current society, men have more to risk. Older men who have already been through a divorce or a break up with the mother of his children for example, are well aware of how risky getting serious can be. These men know what it is like to lose half of their assets, their resources, their social circles, not see their kids regularly, and have to fork over a considerable amount of ongoing income to their ex's in the form of alimony and/or child support. The nastier the divorce/break up, the less likely an older man would seek out a serious relationship again.
Did You Know A Man
On The 18 Year Plan?
Some older men have a disdain for the idea of getting into a serious relationship after experiencing what is called the “18 Year Plan”.
The “18-Year-Plan” is when a man is very unhappy in a serious relationship (usually a marriage that has produced at least one child), but is unable to leave the relationship because if he does, he faces legal and financial ruin through the court system, and possibly major concerns for the mental health and physical safety of his children that a divorce would bring about.
Children from broken homes statistically have more challenges than children who do not come from broken homes, so some fathers stay in an unhappy marriage in an effort to be in a position to protect their children.
So the man in this situation resigns himself to accept staying in a bad marriage, until such a time, as the youngest child is no longer a minor and finished a higher education degree (like college).
If the youngest child is still an infant at this point, the process could take up to 18 years (hence the name The 18-Year Plan), at which point he does whatever he has to do to stay in the marriage, finds joy where he can, and prepares for the day when he is free to simply walk away at the earliest time he can that will not potentially impact his youngest as a minor.
Any older man that has experienced living any length of time of the “18-Year Plan” will be looking to finally have some fun and wants joy in his life, which he likely does not believe he will find in a new serious relationship.
An older man, who gets serious with an older woman, might find himself financially tied to and responsible to her children from her previous relationships, without ever having made any promises to be.
For example: A 55 year old man marries a 45 year old woman who has a child that is under 10 years old. He decides to become a father figure to that child, and they divorce after just 5 years of marriage. It is possible, depending on where they live, that he could be on tap to pay child support for a child that is not biologically his.
This idea of a man being a financial resource for children that are not biologically his is very entrenched in the culture. In fact, there are cases of sperm donors being sued for child support for children they have never raised!
Here is another example:
Something for the older women who have children: Did you know that if your adult aged children from a previous relationship, who are going to university, might be rejected from being able to apply for different loans and bursaries if you are married to someone new that earns enough money to cover their education costs? Do you know what that means?
That means even those organizations recognize that the older man you marry, who is a step-parent to your children who are young adults, is considered to be financially responsible for them, even if your new husband and your adult children have no direct relationship or direct contact.
Did you also know that of the 50% of relationships that end in divorce, that there is a statistic that shows that women initiate 70% of divorces? That means that for every 100 marriages, 50 of them end in divorce, and women initiated filing 35 of those 50 divorces.
The old saying, burn me once, shame on you, but burn me twice, shame on me is how many older men feel after they feel they have been taken advantage of by the family court system in a divorce, and thus; many of them have no interest in risking getting serious with an older woman (especially if she put her ex through a similar nasty divorce with malicious behaviors). Until such a time as custody is automatically assigned at 50-50, and there is no child support or alimony payable to anyone, I do believe the number of men that are going to boycott serious relationships with women is going to increase.
If you want to attract
a quality man in the future,
act like a quality lady right now.
Perhaps it would surprise older women to know the growing number of young men in their 20s and 30s that refuse to even consider getting married or having children because of their fears of ending up in either the 50% group of divorced men, or ending up part of the men experiencing the “18-Year Plan”.
It may also surprise older women to know, a number of older men I have coached over the years have revealed to me they have quietly gotten vasectomies, because they have a fear of sperm stealers (women who get pregnant accidentally-on-purpose, despite agreeing verbally they did not want to have children). Before you scoff, look it up. It is a thing.
Some older men that I coach have told me flat out that they see no point in ever getting married to the older women they date, because they are not going to have kids together (The women are past their child bearing years).
Furthermore, more and more older men who choose to pair bond are NOT moving in together with the women they date. They can even be together as a monogamous couple, but he refuses to move in together. He would rather just date, be somewhat committed, but not to the point of living full time together, just to ensure that he does not lose a house or living space if things do not work out. (Career women who have a lifetime of earning their own money tend to like this arrangement as well and understand the merits of it).
These men tend to cite their own past divorces and break ups, or cite the stories of the men they have known who suffered from break ups. These men simply refuse to take the risk of losing the home they have worked so hard for, by getting too serious and living together. (Which depending on where you live in the world, might designate you as a common law couple. That would mean having certain rights of shared property under that designation).
By the way, if you are a woman who is putting her ex husband through a nasty divorce; if you have ever gotten violent with him, malicious (e.g. destroying his property for revenge) or if you horribly mistreated a reasonably decent, but boring husband because you did not want to put in the effort to make it work; be mindful that you could be killing your chances to land a quality man for your next relationship.
Keep in mind that the men you will date in the future will take into account how you conducted yourself during the process of your current break up.
Quality men do not get serious with women that took advantage of their last significant other through a nasty divorce in the court system. Quality men do not relish the idea of committing to a woman who has mistreated an ex who is a good man, just because he was no longer compatible with her.
If you are a woman being pressured by your friends, your family, your lawyer or even your current lover to take your ex maliciously “to the cleaners” through a nasty break up process, remember they are not the ones that have to live with the consequences of your behaviors. You are. Be fair, be even handed, and walk away with your conscious and integrity intact. Like attracts like. If you want to attract a quality man in the future, act like a quality lady right now.
Reason # 2: The Third Factor
The Third Factor:
Of those older men that are seeking relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Some are homosexuals and would rather date men.
Then there are some of the older men who only want to date younger women. Older men, who want to have kids, will choose a younger woman to date instead of an older women. A key factor here is that some older men do not actually want to have kids per se; they just want the FEELING that comes with having the OPTION.
why dating is harder for older women part 3
trigger warnings
Reason # 2 ....Continued....
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Of the men that are left, fewer of them seek serious relationships. There are a number of factors to explore in trying to understand why older women have a harder time getting older men interested in more serious relationships. I will only be exploring those I think are the top three factors for the purposes of this article.
The first factor is that a man no longer has to get into a relationship first just to have access to sex.
The second factor is that serious relationships are not as enticing to men as they used to be.
The third factor is that of those older men that are into serious relationships, not all of them are interested in older women.
Reason # 2: The First Factor
The First Factor:
The sexual liberation movement that gave women full rights and control over their own bodies and their own sex lives, also gave women the freedom to have all the free love and casual sex they wanted. By taking down the social norms of women being sexually repressed and controlled (remember the “Surplus Two Million”?), and encouraging women to explore their own sexuality, mixing in the new technologies of birth control, gave women an unprecedented freedom over their own lives and destiny.
It had another affect, and that is sex also became more available to men as well. Just as women no longer had to be in a serious relationship to have sex, neither did men.
Nowadays, there are more ways than ever for people to have their sexual needs met. From online pornographic content, web-cam sex workers, legal forms of prostitution, sugar baby sites, strip clubs, swingers clubs and alternative lifestyle friendly resorts operating out in the open, we have become a culture that is more open to expanding definitions of sexuality and sexual orientations. A recent study in in the United States showed 20% of the current population practices consensual non-monogamy. Today new dating technologies are flourishing and nurture a very active, casual sex or "hook up" culture. With access to sex easier than it ever was a mere 50 years ago, markets that cater to each and every sexual interest out there, and the soon to be readily available and affordable virtual reality sex, and interactive sex robots, it’s great for everyone right? Well, not quite.
You see, women being on the receiving end of natural sexual attention means that for a woman to get sex is very easy, and always was. As long as she is willing and not too picky, she can pretty much have sex with almost anyone she wants, as often as she wants. She does not have to work or pay for sex in the same way a man does.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
What did all that sexual freedom reveal to women about themselves? Women learned that although it can be a lot of fun, the hook-up culture tends to leave them feeling unfulfilled. (Just a side note: This is the same lesson that young men who are very sexually active "players" learn. When I coach them, they also come to the same conclusion; that having lots of random, casual sex, can be a lot of fun -LOTS OF FUN!!!-, But it is ultimately just not emotionally fulfilling.) So, yeah you had a lot of sexual experiences, but if that is all you get, then you are likely still going to feel that you want more connection, because fun is not fulfillment. It never was meant to be.
Fun is NOT Fulfillment.
It never was meant to be.
It never was meant to be.
For men, it is different. Men cannot just get sex as easily as women, because men are on the projecting end of the sexual attention paradigm. So for a man, having more access to sex can be a very fun, and an enjoyable thing, but even when it is abundantly available, men STILL have to work for it.
Working for sex can include things like: men may be the ones to have to make the first move, the first approach, take the initial risk of rejection, and risk being used for their resources on the promise of sex, but not the delivery of it. Regardless of how equal the genders are in modern dating, men are often expected to pay for dates. Most of the clients of sex workers are men, because women can get more sex without paying.
A note for example: Even in sex-friendly zones like swinger clubs, single men may have to pay almost 5x more than what a couple pays to just get into the swingers club! Single women either pay less than half of what a couple pays, or some swinger clubs let single women in for free.
See what I mean?
Of the single older men that are available (those who beat the odds and survived all the reasons that men die before women), those who only want to have sex-for-fun with a variety of partners for casual sex can have their needs meet without ever having to go on a date. If these men have the financial means, and all they want is sex, they can bypass the entire dating process. None of them have to settle to be in a relationship they would rather not have, just to get access to sex.
Let’s add to that that men in serious, monogamous, committed marriage relationships, statistically get less sex than a man who simply lives together with a female partner; and men who are single but very proactive with all the above, get the most sexual variety. With all those options available for a man to get sexual relief, women who try luring men into dating by using regular access to sex to pressure a man into a committed relationship no longer works like it used too. (Note, this tactic is something that my adult female virgin coaching clients admit to trying to use. It fails every time, which is why they are still virgins).
Remember when they used to warn, “Why buy the cow ,when they can get the milk for free?” This is what they were referring too. Buying the cow was code for making a commitment for a relationship, and milk was the metaphor for sex.
Basically, from the time
an older man is 65,
for every 10 years that passes,
he has only about a 50% chance
of still being alive.
Remember the statics above regarding the number of women and men gender ratios among the population of nursing home residents?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Here it is again:
For ages 65-74 there are 75 men for every 100 women
For ages 75-84 there are 41 men for every 100 women
For ages 85+, there are 24 men for every 100 women
Well, it is becoming well documented that senior homes are having record outbreaks of Sexually Transmitted Diseases due to seniors having unprotected sex and sharing sexual partners.
Basically given that the women outnumber the men, some of the men are bed hopping, having sex with a rotation of lovers, and not being in a committed relationship with any of the women involved.
Any woman that threatens to stop having sex if she does not get a monogamous commitment is simply rejected, skipped over and left out of the sexual rotation, because the other women in the “harem” are happy to have a part time companion, than none at all.
Basically, from the time he is 65, an older man knows that close to every ten years, he has only about a 50% chance of still being alive.
If he commits to being in a relationship, he only gets to be with one lover until he dies and get less sex in general. Whereas, he if refuses to enter a committed relationship, he can spend the rest of his days having sex with more women (perhaps even more than he ever could in his youth). When you put it that way, it makes understanding his elderly heart much easier. Why buy the cow indeed?
Reason # 2: The Second Factor
The Second Factor:
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
Serious relationships are not in most men's best interest anymore especially for older men who may have a lot to lose if the serious relationship ends in a bad break up or divorce. For older men who may be much more established and have acquired a lifetime of resources that supports their lifestyle, a relationship might be too huge a risk.
This group of older men may opt to simply have sexual relationships (see First Factor) or completely stay away from serious relationships with any women.
why dating is harder for older women part 2
trigger warning
Reason # 1 ....Continued....
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
The reason that men don't live as long as women is the subject of much conjecture.
Some believe it is because that by in large, the most dangerous occupations are still dominated by males. Jobs in the military, defence, police, fire fighters, sewer works, construction, and other professions that carry a high mortality rate tend to have more men than women working them. Even in a time when women and men are free to choose and compete for the same professions, men still make up the majority of workers in professions that have higher fatality rates.
Others argue more social reasons such as men abuse their own bodies more and men take more risks (insurance premiums are usually higher for men and cite this as a reason). Also some men suffering challenges may feel shame for asking for help thus more men commit suicide instead of getting help for mental illness, or succumb to untreated illnesses of all types for lack of early detection. Then there are certain social attitudes of the lives of men being de-valued. For example, we can look at such notions of saving "women and children first" (the message is men are expendable), as well as family courts tend to assign custody to the mothers, and only visitation rights to the father (men matter less) instead of a straight across the board 50-50 shared custody. If the message of a society tells men that they just aren't as important, could that factor into the shorter lifespans for men?
One of the best-documented sources of this phenomenon comes in the experience of the “Surplus Two Million Women” of Great Britain. In World War 1 (WWI), an entire generation of men went to war and never came back. (Men are expendable soldiers). This left "the Surplus Two Million" women (as they came to be known) with the challenging odds of ever getting into a serious relationship with a man. Statistically, even if every remaining young single man and young single women were paired up after the war, only 1 out of every 10 women would end up married (in a serious relationship) and have children. This is what happened when nearly 750 000 British soldiers died in WWI, and almost as many soldiers were left incapacitated. At the time (early 1900s), single parenthood was not a societal accepted option, nor was having sex outside of marriage. Thus heartbreakingly, many of those young women in there 20s, faced a life of loneliness and spinsterhood, and some even entered forbidden secret lesbian relationships for companionship.
Then there are some studies that are simply looking at genetics as the culprit. These studies suggest that the differences between male and female chromosomes may influence how the genders age differently. If this is the case, then basically it indicates that by virtue of being born male, the male children are all destined to die before all the female children born the same day (assuming there are no birth anomalies or life ending accidents over the course of a given lifespan).
Depending on the studies presented, it is estimated that women can be expected to live anywhere from 3 yrs. to 7 yrs. longer. More recent statistics show that it is now closer to 5 years.
Now, let's add to that statistic, that the median age difference between men and women that get into serious relationships is that the men are two years older than the women. That is the median age gap. Which means that because women tend to marry/get into serious relationships with men that are at least 2 yrs. older (or more), and that women outlive men of the same age, it stands to reason that more women than men will end up single again due to widowhood.
Simply put, if you are an older woman and you are looking to have a serious relationship with a man close to your own age, or older, there simply are just less men for you to choose from. The older you get, the less supply is available to reach your demand.
Here are some stats from the Canada 2016 census, and an Organizational Behavior in Health Care textbook just as an example for discussion:
General population averages see 97 men for every 100 women overall.
However:
AGE: Under 25: 105 men for every 100 women
Furthermore men die before women do which leads to:
AGES: 25-54: 99 men for every 100 women
AGES: 55-64: 92 men for every 100 women
AGES: 65-85: 70 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85-99: 54 men for every 100 women
Another stat from 2003 says:
AGES: 85+: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 99+: 19 men for every 100 women
Here are some other stats from the “2002 Journal of Women’s Health” regarding seniors and age gaps:
AGES: 65-74: 79 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 67 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 46 men for every 100 women
Among the population of nursing home residents, the gender ratios are even more dramatic:
AGES: 65-74: 75 men for every 100 women
AGES: 75-84: 41 men for every 100 women
AGES: 85+: 24 men for every 100 women
The numbers will fluctuate slightly from consensus, surveys and studies, but the message is consistent. The older a population, the less men that are available. To really understand the significance, the number of men includes those men that are still married/unavailable for dating women, men who are not interested in women, and men with health problems that may prevent them from being able to be in a loving relationship.
Let’s do a calculation using an older male demographic:
There are 75 men for every 100 women.
Of those 75 men, we eliminate all those men who are already involved with someone, men who are too ill to be in a relationship, and men that are just not interested in being in a relationship with women.
So now, while there are technically 75 men for every 100 women, there aren’t 75 emotionally available men who are eligible for these women to even date.
Now, let’s get to the next reason.
Reason # 2
Of the Men Left,
Fewer of Them Seek Serious Relationships
with Older Women
OK, so we explored the fact that there are fewer men alive.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
Now let's consider the current social state of older men.
why dating is harder for older women part 1
Trigger Warning
I am placing a warning at the head of this article.
This 50 page/25K word article covers and contains:
-Discussion on the effects of war, divorce, and social issues on a dating population
-Examples of gender roles, ageism and attraction
-Quoting statistics that some audiences may find disturbing
-Examples of victimization that some audiences may find disturbing
-Calling out behaviors that singles commit that correlate to remaining single
-Discussions on sex, sexually transmitted infections and consensual non-monogamy
-Human mortality and death
-Social norms that are no longer considered appropriate
-Chemistry, boundaries, compatibility, compromise and settling
Why Dating is Harder For Older Women
By Frank Kermit
By Frank Kermit
Introduction
Recently I was at an art gallery. It was one of the few public appearances I make. At the event, I happen to run into a couple of fans of my work giving dating advice live on AM radio. These fans happen to be older women, and as the conversation progressed, they had asked for some of my thoughts about the dating challenges for older women. I promised them that I would at some point release an article about how and why dating is challenging for older women. I had already planned to produce such an article (it was on a very long list of topics I intend to cover in the future), but that conversation moved this article topic to the top of the list.
A question I am often asked by older women in the dating world is: "Where are all the good men?" Older women who are frustrated with how their love lives are virtually non-existent, are still seeking to find men to get into a relationship with, yet do not seem to be able to find men who are good enough. The truth is, there are good men out there, but as a woman gets older, she faces new challenges in dating that she never had to contend with when she was younger. In response to helping older women understand what their dating challenges are, and provide them with a solution to coping with those challenges, I have prepared this article.
I want to make it clear, that this article is not for older women who just want sex. Women, regardless of age, who simply want a sexually abundant lifestyle and live out all their sexual fantasies within the existing "hook-up" culture of anonymous casual sex have little to no problem attracting sexual attention. These women may not get the sexual attention they want from a particular subgroup of men they want, but women in general tend to have more options for random commitment-free sex than they may be aware of. That is why this article was written for older women seeking out a serious relationship with men close to her own age. Please keep this in mind as you go forward into this article.
When I started writing this article, the goal was to write an article of about 500 words, and it was intended for women who were 65+ years old. The more I wrote, and the more I researched, and the more I explored this topic, I found that this topic needed a great deal of coverage more than 500 words would allow for. I also found that women under 65 were having many of the same issues and challenges as women over 65. In fact, as I dug deeper, I can say with certain conviction that some of the women clients I have coached as young as 34 have experienced (see Reason#2 for more details), struggled with and unknowingly may have made some of the same errors as women over 65 make, without having to suffer the other real obstacles to dating that older women face.
It is in my sincere hope that this article sheds some light on a subject that I think does not get enough attention, and that in writing this article, I can at least bring some awareness to the issues involved and provide some insights and understandings towards some solutions. This article is approximately 25K words (about 50+ pages) long, and in truth, I still feel that I have only scratched the surface. I hope though that you the reader will find it a good start on your journey to be the older woman that finds connection at the end of your quest for love.
Reason # 1
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
There Are Less Men As A Generation Ages
As men and women get older, men die first. Statistically speaking women of any given generation outlive men. Which means the older a generational population gets, the more women will outnumber men. For a woman that is older and wants a relationship with a man her own age (or close to her own age), that means there is simply less supply of men available.
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Frank Kermit
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