Are you shy and don't feel comfortable dating?
Read this contributed post which has 4 dating tips for shy guys who want to overcome their dating anxiety.
There’s a common misconception that being shy has to get in the way of and ruin your dating life when that isn’t the case. Being shy doesn’t have to impact your dating success or be seen as a bad thing - we each have our own, very unique personalities and if being shy is part of yours, you need to learn to make it work for you.
Perhaps you don’t know how to talk to people who you’re attracted to? Maybe you’ve tried to make a relationship work in the past while hiding your feelings and it’s all ended in one big mess? What it’s important to remember is that your shyness is not your whole identity, it’s just one part of who you are as a person.
The good news is that if you take note of the tips below, you can make dating that little bit easier (and more enjoyable) for yourself.
Understand that just because you’re attracted to someone that doesn’t mean they’re not a normal person
Regardless of how attractive someone is, they are just normal people. That’s the thing to remember because there’s no need to be shy when talking to just another person, is there? Picture this, you’re in a supermarket, you see someone cute in the aisle but are lost for words about how to introduce yourself, but when you’re at the counter with the cashier you’re happy to chat away. These two people are no different from each other - that’s what you need to understand.
Make friends who are extroverts
You’re an introvert and that’s cool but make friends with people who are extroverts. Studies have shown that it’s easier to relax when you’re around louder people who like to be the centre of attention because that takes the pressure off of you. You’ll find chatting with people that you’re attracted to, far easier in this kind of setting.
To build confidence in yourself, spend some time online dating and using services like https://www.guyspyvoice.com/phone-free-trial/gay-male-chat-coverage to meet people. Dating can be daunting but the more people you chat to, either online or over the phone, the more your confidence should grow. As your confidence grows, you should start to feel less shy when it comes to talking to people who you’re attracted to.
Let go of the bad
If you've had bad dating experiences in the past, you need to stop holding onto them and let them go. If you don’t let go of the bad experiences that you’ve had, they will haunt your dating life forever and make you shyer than you were before. It’s important to realise that everyone has bad dating experiences but that they don’t have to define your future of dating.
When you’re a shy guy, dating is not always an easy task, but if you take note of the tips above and implement them in how you date, you can make landing yourself a partner a slightly easier task.
Tips for Your Dating Criteria Checklist
by Frank Kermit
When coaching someone that wants to STOP BEING SINGLE, it is important to examine that person's dating criteria. Sometimes, the reason that someone is forever stuck being single is the criteria itself.
Here are some tips to make sure that your criteria is not holding you back:
1-Criteria that is Firm
If you are firm in your criteria that you will not waiver on, then right or wrong, you should be explicit in expressing your criteria.
This means if you are online dating, make sure your criteria is in your online dating profile.
If you are discussing setting up a first date, express your criteria before you actually meet, so that you do not waste your time, or the time of the other person.
Note: You will always have to screen and filter when dating. Even if you make your criteria clear, it does not always stop people from wanting you to give them a chance.
2-Is the Criteria Relevant?
Next would be to explore if your criteria is actually relevant.
Is it a matter of initial attraction? Lust?
Is it relevant to a long term life plan?
To help you figure out if your criteria is actually relevant; ask the question:
Under what circumstances would that criteria not be important (if any)?
If the criteria would not matter under a number of circumstances, then it is not a relevant criteria.
3-Is the Criteria Counter-Productive?
Would her having such criteria turn off your potential target audience? Some people will be offended to your "fetish".
For example, the members of the amputee community want relationships like any other people, but some resent being with a partner that has an amputee fetish.
Would your criteria potentially turn off the very people that embody that criteria? Then you need to be ready to face a little more rejection in the process of dating until you find someone that appreciates your interests.
4-Is the Criteria Hypocritical?
Do you get resentful if you get rejected when someone uses the same kind of criteria against you?
If so, you need to rethink your criteria, because being a hypocrite can get in the way of your finding love when dating.
For example, if you reject someone because they make less money than you, would you be upset if someone rejects you because you make less money than them?
If you reject someone for their body type, would you be upset if someone rejected you because of your body type?
If so, the best way to attract more open minded folks is to be more open minded. (You would be amazed how offended some people get in coaching when confronted about their hypocrisy)
5-Is the Criteria Reciprocal?
Just because you have an ideal partner in mind, that does not mean that the person you seek, is seeking you.
One of the hardest questions a coaching client must face, is if you are "worthy" of the affection of the person you are seeking.
So, ask yourself if your ideal partner would be attracted to you. If the answer is "No", then it may be time to re-evaluate your goals in the next coaching session.
6-Is Your Criteria Demographic Realistic?
Based, on your collective criteria, is there enough of a demographic for you to actually find someone to be with?
When you put all your criteria together, does the composite person you are seeking even exist? Is there a large enough pool of candidates for you to date from? If not, get real. Get very real, very fast, or the only thing that you will guarantee is that you will continue to be single.
Lets use a fun example:
Let's say you have the criteria that you will ONLY date:
-a working architect
-currently living in your small town (you refuse to move and you refuse to engage in a long distance relationship)
and then we do analysis of that demographic and find out:
-there are only 3 architects in your small town,
-one is retired (so not currently working)
-one is married (not available)
-one is of a sexual orientation that would not be attracted to you
then your criteria for what is out there would not be realistic, and we can predict that you will continue to be single
7-Is Your Criteria Just An Excuse?
And finally is this criteria actually a means to make it impossible for you to find someone?
Some people have fears of intimacy that mask themselves as ridiculous criteria.
Could this be your case here?
It is easier to be thought of as "too picky" instead of "incapable of a relationship."
When your criteria list is more vast than your list of skills that represent your ability to attract a partner, that is often a sign of some kind of fear of intimacy.
It could be a fear of emotional intimacy, being vulnerable, a fear of physical sex, or even the fear of the responsibility that comes with getting romantically involved with others.
If you are using your criteria as a means to keep people away, then definitely sign up for an hour of Coaching to see what Frank can do for you.
Would you like to date an older woman? Read this contributed post to make your online dating messages grab her attention.
The beautiful thing about dating apps is you know there’s mutual interest before the conversation even starts. So why do so many guys complain about how impossible they are because women don’t respond? It’s simple — they’re doing it wrong.
That’s great for you because we’re about to go through how to do it right. I’ll also cover a few examples you can use and adapt.
Getting the conversation started
According to Tinder Seduction’s study, just 50 percent of guys will message their Tinder matches. Only 14 percent will say anything beyond “hey” or “hi.” For the mathematicians out there, that’s 86 percent of guys saying literally nothing constructive to women on Tinder. Starting to see the problem?
You could literally head-but your phone keyboard, hit send and put yourself in the top 50% of male Tinder users. Maybe don’t consider that tip #1 though.
Before we get onto specific question openers, let’s take a moment to cover the essentials.
Essential ground rules to remember
Do your homework
Before you go saying anything, take a quick look at her profile. So long as she’s got more than a single photo in there, it should tell you quite a bit. You can get an idea of what she likes and the type of person she is.
Accomplished business woman? Regular socialite? Alternative style or living the vegan life? These factors should play into your opening message. Spending 10 seconds actually reading what she has to say and checking out her photos will go a long way.
Watch your spelling and grammar
Particularly with older women looking to date a younger man, you need to keep an eye on this one. Being on the older end of the Millennial age bracket, I have a number of friends that qualify as “older women.” I can tell you right now unless you’re Zac Efron, constantly mixing up your/you’re is getting you ignored.
It sounds trivial but what it’s doing is promoting the idea that you’re uneducated or lazy. Untrue as that may be, she only has a handful of words to judge you by. Make sure your English teacher would approve.
Start with her name
If you’ve ever picked up a sales and marketing book, this is something you’ve likely read about. That’s because, in short, hearing our own name activates the brain in a positive way.
It also demonstrates you haven’t just copy/pasted that first message to 20 women.
Now this doesn’t mean you have to open in a formal manner. In fact, one of my favorite dad jokes starts with a question. The first word I use is their name:
“Hannah, I have a question for you. What does. . .”
Short, fun, flirtatious
The purpose of the opener is to do just that. You’re not trying to do anything beyond starting a positive conversation with her. The rest will come later.
The way we interact with these great cougar dating sites and apps is much the same as we do social media. All we’re interested in reading are tiny morsels of information, then we move on. “Oh look, Jane has written another 500 word Facebook status . . .” [keeps scrolling].
I’ve received lengthy messages from women in the past and even I’m guilty of it. I saw the message take up more than my entire screen, started reading and closed the app. If my attention span is that short, imagine how women will respond when they have an abundance of matches?
This leads me to my next point . . .
Don’t be boring
If you look at the study mentioned above, you’ll see that 36 percent of the male matches just opened with a greeting; “hey”, “hi” etc. Yawn.
Granted, saying “hi” is an improvement on total silence but it’s hardly stimulating. You want her to feel engaged in the conversation with a reason to respond.
On to the questions
Questions are such a great way to open. They’re giving her such an easy entry into the conversation since all she has to do is answer it.
There are a few different themes you can choose from here depending on your personality and hers.
Focus on her exciting memories and achievements
No matter the context or medium, the easiest way to keep a conversation going is to have her talk about her. She’s the most interesting person in her life — That goes for each of us.
That means talking about her positive experiences is going to be that much more engaging. It’s also allowing some positive association with you, too.
Here are some examples. Be sure to link them in with what you observe from her profile — if it’s relevant.
“That’s an impressive collection of travel pics. What’s your favorite memory from your travels?”
“Pretty sure I’ve climbed that mountain. Is that in Utah?”
“Captain Emma, huh? Very impressive. How long have you been a commercial pilot?”
“I’m actually planning a trip to Spain for August. Was it amazing as the photos make it out to be?”
“A fellow traveler I see. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?”
Serious questions on silly topics
These are all about the cheap laugh. There’s no easier way to start a fun conversation than to begin it with a laugh, right?
“I think we’re at that point in our relationship where I have to ask you a very serious question. . . plain or peanut M&M’s?”
My favorite matches are the ones that let this question devolve into an entire, faux-heated debate over why peanut M&M’s are (obviously) better.
The mini quiz
The concept for this one is simple and entirely re-usable. Create some type of multiple choice question. You’d be surprised just how effective it is!
“Hello and welcome to Ash’s quiz show. The game is simple. Below are two facts and a lie about me. Choose the right one and you’re a step closer to the coveted first date!
1. I have a legitimate man crush on Harvey Specter
2. I grew up on an Ostrich farm
3. I speak fluent French but am always too embarrassed to use it
In case you’re wondering, #3 is the lie. My French is terrible! Naturally, conversation comes easy off the back of this, even though most get it wrong.
Truth or dare
Does this question even need an explanation? Be sure to have a few responses lined up for whichever option she chooses.
The reason this kind of works is that it’s such a cliche that it’s ironically fun. It also lends itself well to turning the conversation more sexual quickly if she seems the type.
A personal favorite of mine and a go-to for blank profiles. Again, designed for the cheap laugh to get the conversation started.
Bonus points when these dad jokes are followed up with a relevant gif.
Here’s a recent exchange I had with my favorite dad joke/gif combo:
Me: “I have an important question for you. How does a penguin build his house?”
Her: “Do they even live in houses?”
Me: “Of course they do! You think they stay looking that sharp sleeping outside?”
Her: “Haha well played. Okay, I have no idea.”
Me: “Igloos it together!”
Image copyright HIT Entertainment Ltd.
Her: “omg I love Pingu! Okay, want to set the wedding date now or should we pretend to play it cool? Also, that joke was terrible. I’m impressed.”
One word of caution here though. Some women just don’t appreciate that type of humor so be sure to have something up your sleeve.
A matching sense of humor is very high on my priority list, so I’m okay with letting the flat responses slide. If you do want to pursue it though, consider it a fresh conversation. Choose another, more match-appropriate opening and try again.
The thing about openers is the good ones can rarely be reused. The examples given above will give you some inspiration to get you started. From there, pay a little attention to her profile and get creative. Remember that nobody wants to feel like just a number. Opening with some type of reference to her profile is a great way to demonstrate genuine interest.
While dating apps are a numbers game to some extent, try to avoid that attitude. Instead, spend a little time selecting women you’re truly interested in. It goes a long way and you’ll have a much better time doing it.
Humour and wit are widely appreciated and quite easy once you get the hang of it. Go ahead, try out some of the examples above and let me know what else you come up with.
What do you need to make your online dating profile the best it can be? Explore some ideas in this contributed post.
Online dating is getting popular nowadays due to its convenience. People can date anywhere and anytime they want. They also get a wider option of dating because they can communicate with people in different parts of the world. Online dating opens the door to interracial dating.
There are many online dating sites available on the net like Tinder, InterracialDatingCentral and so on. However, a lot of people had tried online dating numerous times but with no such luck. Luckily that can be solved. The key is your online dating profile. Here is how you can take advantage of your profile at an online dating site.
It’s Starts With The Profile Picture
One of the first things you will need to do is pick a profile picture. Some online dating sites do not require a profile picture. However, this has a massive effect on how you will get noticed.
When choosing a profile picture, pick your most attractive picture but make sure it is still you. Do not use an overly photoshopped image of yourself. Moreover, do not use other people's images especially of those famous ones. Do not also use pictures of sceneries, animals or any non-human images.
By doing this, you are giving the impression that you are not good-looking. Be confident in what you look. Not everyone might notice, but there will always be people who will like you for not only your physical appearance but also the other traits you possess.
The Right Username Attracts The Right People
Another important thing to take into consideration is the username. Most of the online daters use their first name or nickname as their username. However, when attracting people to match with you, a name is sometimes not enough. That is why people use usernames that are very eye-catching.
However, when picking an outstanding username, be sure it gives off a pleasant impression. Do not go for nicknames like “Scarred”, “Fvckboi”, and so on. Usernames like these drive away people who you want to meet. So instead, use a username that describes your positive traits such as “FitNFun”, “HappyLife”, and so on.
Update Through Pictures
It is important to always update your profile on an online dating site. However, aside from the written details, you should also update your pictures. It is advisable to change your profile picture once in awhile but not often. At least every two weeks will do or it will depend on how many times you go online.
Another thing, you can show people what you have been up to by updating through uploading other images in your profile. You can upload pictures of yourself while playing basketball. You can also upload a photo of you while snuggling your pet cat. You can also upload images of you in all the places you have been too. This will not only give your viewers a good impression on you but it will also give them an idea of what they want to talk about with you.
The 7:3 Biography
On online dating profiles, the site will sometimes ask you to write a short bio. This is done in order for you to state some other information that the site had left out. Do not write some information that you already had supplied when you set up your profile like your nationality, age, location and such. And mind you, it is a short bio, so keep it short.
The best way to write your bio is to state some details about you and details of what kind of person you are looking for. The best biography has a ratio of 7:3. 70 percent of your bio should be about you and only 30 percent is about the person you are looking for. Do not indulge too much in describing the person you wish to online date. Viewers will get an impression that you have high standards.
With these tips, you can take advantage of your online dating profile to find the right match for you. Keep in mind that the best thing you can do is to be honest with yourself even online. Online dating is not a medium for you to switch identity. Remember that your profile serves as your virtual face and self. This is where people will judge you whether you are what they are looking for.
Do you think you are undateable? Find out more in this contributed post.
Dating in the modern world is one of those things that can seem pretty intimidating to those on the outside. It can often feel as though things used to be incredibly simple and now there so many rules that the whole thing can be incredibly confusing and overwhelming. The truth is that dating really hasn't changed all that much over the last hundred years or so, aside from a push for more equality among people of different genders and sexualities of course. But that doesn't mean that it's always easy. One of the hardest things about dating is being in a position where you feel as though, because of who you are as a person, you're somehow less dateable than those around you. This is fundamentally untrue! There is nothing that makes anyone in any way undateable! With that in mind, here are some ways to help you stop feeling as though who you are is going to leave you all alone.
There are no leagues, only type
One of the most common things that you hear when one person is interested in or attracted to someone else but doesn't want to make a move is that they're "out of their league." This is something that is often reinforced by TV, movies, books, music, and just about every other aspect of modern society. Which makes it all the more ridiculous when you realise that the whole idea of leagues is complete and utter nonsense. Who you're attracted to in life has nothing to do with some kind of empirical scale of how attractive you are. It comes down to what you like about someone. It could be their looks, their brains, their personality, and any combination of the three. Just because you think that someone is amazing and beautiful doesn't mean that they're somehow better than you or above you in any way. Remember, there are no leagues, there is only type, and everyone is someone's type!
Find people more like you
If your anything other than the straight, cis-gendered person that society wrongly assumes is the default, it can often feel as though dating simply isn't for you. Things like Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and all of the other dating sites and apps are great, but they do seem to be mostly geared towards a fundamentally heterosexual way of doing things. If you're a different sexuality or gender identity from "the norm" it can be tough to feel comfortable in those spaces. That's why it's great that there are more and more spaces specifically for people of different sexual orientations or genders to connect with each other. Services like Gay Girl, which can help women who are attracted to other women connect with each other without having to worry about interacting with men in the way that they do on sites like OkCupid offer a truly fantastic service. Being able to connect with people who are like you can make the whole process of dating feel that much less lonely.
Stop trying so hard
The reality of dating is that it should be fun. If you feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find someone or to get out there, there's a chance that you're doing it wrong. If dating is causing you more stress and anything else, then the best thing to do is just to relax and stop trying so hard. There are other things in life beyond just trying to find someone to date. Spend some time with friends, or just focusing on yourself. The truth is that if you spend more time focusing on yourself, then you're going to be a more complete person which will make dating and finding someone else a whole lot easier. Besides, a lot of the time, the moment you stop looking for love, it falls right into your lap.
Of course, it's important to remember that, just because it's expected of you doesn't mean you have to be particularly interested in dating at all! If dating isn't something that you're especially concerned with, don't let anyone try to tell you that there's anything wrong with you! There's no reason why you can't live an incredibly fulfilling life built around your career, your family, your friends, and your passions without needing to add dating and romance to the mix. Dating and falling in love can be wonderful things, but not if you feel like they're something you have to do instead of something you actually want from your life.
TINDER BREAKS AND BREAK-THROUGHS
A BLOG BY CARRIE JOYNER
Recently, I was at a friends birthday party.
As the kids were playing and having fun, the moms started to talk. There were a few women who stayed and opted to catch up with each other vs. doing the traditional drop and run (I do love me a pedicure, though, if I don’t know the parents that well!). These women who stayed are women that I know well on personal levels, most of whom I have known for a very, very long time. We just all happen to have kids that play together now.
Most of the women came to me one by one; some asking about the details of the demise of my marriage because they felt that they were in a similar situation (Ie. How did I know it was over?), some asking for a bit of hope as they were in the middle of fighting for their marriage, and one who told me something so beautiful and out of the blue that I felt compelled to write this.
She told me that she was getting a divorce after many, many years.
This is not the first time that divorce has been on the table for her, but this time it seems like it’s the real deal this time. She told me that she knew, as hard as everything was, (and I mean she is going through some things that nightmares are made of), she felt hopeful because she read my first blog and knew the details of what I had gone through. She knew that if I could do it...she could get through it.
“I saw your story and it made me feel hopeful, I am never going to give up and I know I can make it on my own”.
Never in my life has anyone said those words to me.
I was flattered and at the same time it was a violent call to self-reflection for myself. I looked back, as many of us do at the foothill of a new year, at all the things I had been through in the past few years and realized that I had undervalued and under- appreciated my own power of persistence, resilience and determination.
In 2011, my husband walked out on me very suddenly, but I kept going with my yoga/fitness business never the less. As I said in the initial blog, it was what kept me going and strong and healthy for my, at the time, 4 year old son. I built it up to a point where a random offer to purchase came in about 2 years ago and I/we took it. My ex was also my business partner at the time.
The sale dissolved my second to last partnership with him and took a lot of stress off both of us in the sense that it is pretty hard to dissolve a marriage and keep going as business partners.
The last bond will never be dissolved; our son. He is an amazing boy/budding man who is doing and will continue to do many amazing things. An athlete, a scholar and an overall good person.
His father and I are actually on very good terms, co-parent and split our time with him straight down the middle. He always bragged that we had “the perfect divorce”. We were civil and never got petty. We just both knew that whatever happened between us and our relationship, the most important thing was to stay level and positive for the sake of our son. It sure seems to be working.
This is not to toot my own horn or discredit actual nightmare break-ups, rather just a nod to the fact that regardless of what life throws at us, women are by nature; survivors, protectors, Goddesses and can turn lemons into the most delicious lemonade.
The conversation at the party then turned to my dating situation. What was it? Who was I seeing? Was I still online? “Give me a story, Carrie, because I have nothing going on here”.
Well, the story is that I got off Tinder a couple of weeks ago. The day they sent me a push notification around new years saying “Don’t change anything in 2018, over 3,000 people have liked your profile”, was the day I knew it was time for a change.
Let’s be clear- I didn’t MATCH with 3000 people, that was the number that I could have potentially matched with. You basically have to swipe left 30 times for one right.
The very definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results”. Why did I keep opening these messages and responding to ridiculous comments or requests? Maybe it’s the Canadian in me and I just didn’t want to be rude, but when a guy wrote to me “You are hot, but let’s be upfront about everything- I am 6 foot 2, brown hair, blue eyes, well built and 187 lbs...your turn...GO!” I was so freaked out! Did he want my bra size, too?! My blood type??
I had to take a Tinder break. If you know me, I am not a shy person and have no problem telling it like it is...but this was just rude. Um, sir, may I send you my headshot with my stats on the back instead? Oh, wait...I don’t have one. I forgot, I am not a mail order bride.
Then again, you actually have to pay for that service.
The actual problem with getting back into the online dating world, for me, anyway, are the issues that bubble up on the inside.
All those questions of “am I good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...”; they are real questions and SELF DOUBT bubbles up if you let it.
All the insecurities about why past relationship/s failed surface and it’s almost like a form of simultaneous therapy and torture.
For now, I am on a Tinder break. I just needed some time to date myself and fall in love with myself again instead of being so caught up with what EYEISDAONE thinks of me before even buying me a drink and having a face to face conversation. I know that women are strong.
I believe we just need to be strong together more often.
This party taught me that.
No matter how perfect someone can pull off appearing on the outside-they could be burning up on the inside. Be open to hearing their pain. The only way to get over it is to go through it sometimes.
I watched a movie last night where Rebel Wilson is trying to teach her new friend how to be single in NYC. The friend said she thought it would be more like Sex and the City on the single scene, and Rebel said the best line (and this is not a direct quote); the entire series was based on 4 single girls spending every single minute trying to find a boyfriend. It had nothing to do with being single and proud. It had to do with finding the next relationship, so they weren’t alone.
For now, I am just going to walk alone, and proud.
36 Reasons Someone Ghosts You After a Great First Date
by Frank Kermit
You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, a proper mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing, and you maybe even had sex!
Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says that they are not interested anymore and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry?
Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear (Ghost) after a great first date.
Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date.:
When It is Because of You
(You did something that turned them off)
Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs. If you did not violate an emotional need, it is also possible that you simply did not address them and were neutral. When someone tells you “no chemistry” it is possible you killed the chemistry yourself.
1. Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off. The person could not react in the moment, (for example: During the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group) so instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe.
2. You’re just a little too boring. The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, but they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person liked you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so they decided it was best to cut you loose before you get more attached and got really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it.
3. You love too much drama. The person is more sedate and seeks a calmer companion, but everything about you screams drama-drama-drama, from the things you like to talk about, to how you handle common situations that came up on your date. Maybe you acted too immature, like a child. The emotional range that comes with high doses of drama can in fact be a lot of fun in the short term, but can be very draining for others in the long term. After that first date was over the other person decided that you were too much for them.
4. You did not stand up for yourself. I hear this one quite a bit. Sometimes your date will test you to see if you would stand up for yourself, and when you didn’t, it was a turn off. Some people just do not want to date a mousy person. They seek out someone that isn’t afraid to be assertive, and are willing to speak their minds. Ever had that gnawing feeling that you should have said something at some point on the date, but held back because you were trying to be too nice and too polite? That might have been the moment you failed a test for assertiveness.
5. You came across like you were going to dump them. You gave the impression that you were not serious about seeing the other person again, so the other person decided to dump you first, before you had the chance to abandon them. Did you make the person feel they were unique to you? Did you give the impression you were the type of person that could commit long term? If you did not do these two things, the other person has no evidence to take you seriously when you say you intend to see them again. Very few people are going to stick around for a second date with a person that comes across as wanting to be independent of them.
6. You came across as untrustworthy. If the person you dated felt you could not be honest with them out of a fear of conflict, or if you came across as someone that could not be honest with yourself, they simply will not be able to put faith into anything you say or do. Trust is a key factor for any relationship. Violating a person’s sense of trust will not get you a second date, even if they decided to have fun with you on the first date.
7. You don’t make people feel safe with you. Maybe the person looked you up on the Internet after the first date and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles, and your social media. With the mystery gone, (and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits), it was a no-go from there. Maybe you are friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep. Maybe they just did not feel safe with you, either physically or they worry associating with you will hurt their reputation. Perhaps you publicly shared too many things that your date would rather keep private and they worried you are not a good secret keeper. The bottom line is that even after a great first date, if a person does not feel safe enough with you, there will be no second date.
8. You’re a lousy kisser and/or lover. I am sorry to say this, but just because you really enjoyed yourself on that first date, it is not a direct indication that your date enjoyed it too. Even if your date had an orgasm, it may have less to do with your efforts than you might care to admit. This is not about just being sexually incompatible (see further down the list when that comes up). This is about you just not being any good. Sexual skills are just like any other skills. You can develop a better skill set, if you are willing to learn, experiment, and are open to feedback. However, unless you make it clear that you want feedback to help your date enjoy being with you, your date might assume that you are just going to be this lousy on an ongoing basis, and rather than tell you the truth, they would rather just avoid having to be physical with you again.
9. You come across too happy being single. You are not relationship minded enough. You said that you wanted to see the other person again and you really meant it, and the person believes you meant it as well. However, the question becomes are you capable? Not everyone knows how to act in a relationship. This comes up a lot for people that have either never had a relationship, or people that have been single for so long that they have forgotten the nuances of how to take another person’s involvement into account. A person who acts too happy being single, might give the impression they would rather not be in a relationship. If you expressed how much you rather enjoy doing things on your own that the other person would rather do as a couple, you aren’t going to convince anyone that you are seriously interested in a second date.
10. You would rather be with a different gender/sexual orientation. Believe it or not, just because you are willing to date someone of a certain gender/sexual orientation, it is not enough evidence you actually want to be dating a person of that gender/sexual orientation. Sometimes the frustration that you feel towards the dating scene and specifically the gender/sexual orientation of your past dates, might come across that you would rather date someone that is the opposite of the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating. If you are giving a vibe that you may not be fully comfortable in your own skin, or if your frustrations get misinterpreted as hate, or lack of attraction for the gender/sexual orientation of the person you are currently dating, it is unlikely that they will want to have a second date with you, even with the first date ending OK.
11. You are missing something they want. Some people do not want to bother with a second date if they do not see a definite future with you. If the other person is looking for someone to back them up for the long term, they will be looking for things like: stability, if you can support their lifestyle, and their social environment. Can you hang with their social groups, and at least equal or better their own current status. If they already have elements of a life plan in place and they do not see you fitting into their plans, a great first date, might also be the last date if they cannot envision a future with you being part of their life plan.
12. You are too needy. Perhaps things were going really well until you went a little too far and gave the impression that you were just too needy. This means that the other person did not feel that you wanted them because of the commitment they had earned from you; they felt you were so desperate for any companionship that you wanted a second date because it is better than being alone. Sometimes a needy person comes across as way too compliant; lacking any personal boundaries who might one day lash back because they do not feel they are getting the same level back from the other person that they are putting in. The scariest thing about getting attached to a needy person is that a needy person can go to one extreme and get obsessive, or go to the other extreme where since they no longer feel needy for you, they can dump you unceremoniously. Why chance any of that with a second date?
When it is The Other Person
(You did nothing wrong)
In the next cluster of reasons we are going to look at reasons you were Ghosted that actually have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the other person. In this section, it is clear that you did not do anything wrong, or incorrectly. It is just a matter that the other person was the direct cause of you not getting a second date, and possibly involved in a situation that you may not have been aware of. So when someone tells you “no chemistry”, maybe there wasn’t any, or maybe there was, but it wasn’t enough.
13. The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they moved on to the next target. You never actually had a chance for a second date, because dating you again was never the goal. The goal was to use you for the experience of a date.
14. The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true. For example: Your date was a virgin (or very inexperienced) and did not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date. That person does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date, as they were not ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent. (This is assuming that you did not have sex on that great first date.) The pressure that a virgin feels to perform sexually on subsequent dates can be more than enough to cancel any possibility of dating you in order to avoid that pressure. At the same time, they do not have to be in a position to admit to being an adult aged virgin (which can be stigmatizing for some).
15. The person is trying hard to date someone (i.e. you) who is not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to and they were looking to be open-minded on a first date, but could not fake it enough to make a second date happen. Sometimes people date as part of an experiment to try putting themselves out there in new situations to learn about who they are (self-actualization). This could involve dating someone they weren’t really attracted too in the first place. Usually, this kind of self-actualization process requires the person to give people like you an honest chance with a series of dates before calling it quits, but not everyone has that level of resolve.
16. The person lied on the first date about something, and is worried they will get found out. You got dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you would have found out the truth. People who lie on a first date are not usually expecting to have a second date, or subsequent dates. It can happen that they realize they really like you, but they know that they have already ruined their long-term chances by lying early on. In most cases the person in question might be self-sabotaging with this kind of behavior pattern as part of a fear of intimacy, which helps keep them out of any potential serious relationships. A person that lies so much might have incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first even though they actually want to date you. They feel it is better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later, and justifying their low self-esteem.
17. The person was a professional (sugar baby/sex worker) looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis. They discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client and cancelled any second date you tried to set up. This gave them the ease of not having to reveal their true intentions if they wanted to keep their economic interests a private matter.
18. The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends. Maybe it was who could they get to date them? Maybe it was how many first dates could they get, or how far they could get someone attached to them who wanted a second date? This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest or bet that had nothing to do with you. One such scam I came across in my coaching practice involved getting the “targets” into heated text messages after being dumped and insulted. The texts would then be posted online as a means of ridicule. Very cruel indeed! If something like that ever happens to you, as much as you are being baited to write back hatefully, try as much as possible to walk away. The person you think you are cursing out might not even be the one writing to you.
19. The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some people are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push that person away really hard to see if they are going to “prove” themself and chase them. Some people will have no interest in you at all, but they love the attention you may shower on them by pushing you away, and having you come back to chase them again. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, accept it and move on.
20. The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. It might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did!
21. The person was cheating on an existing partner (or attempting to cheat) They decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you sent a series of text messages that the cheaters partner may come across. When someone tells you “no-chemistry” most people will back off at that point, which is what the cheater counts on.
22-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI). I have come across difference cases of this as a coach. Some people with an STI desire socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates where sex could happen. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared your health without you knowing it. It is easier for an infected person to dump someone than to expose their health status to a relative stranger. In other cases, a person with an STI rather than deal with being in a relationship may go out for anonymous sex without ever telling their lovers of their condition unless directly asked about it. It is easier to simply disappear after a first date sexual encounter, than to go on subsequent dates where the person would have to reveal their status of their STI, which they would rather keep private.
23. The person is just not ready for something serious. It is very possible that the person really liked you and really thought about getting more serious with you, but then decided that you were too a good a distraction and did not want to be tempted. Some people need to be hyper focused on things like getting an education, establishing a career, or even raising kids, and are just looking to causally date and have fun. However, they met you, and really liked you and even considered allowing themselves to break their own rules, which explains why the first date was so great. However, realizing that you really are the right person, but at the wrong time in their lives, it can be easier for some people to let you go completely instead of continuing to see you and be tempted with a strong distraction from their previous set goal plan. Others may or may not agree with this decision, but the issue is not whether it is agreeable; the matter is what it is.
24. The person is Immature. Very sad to say that at some point, it really can come down to a simple matter of a lack of maturity. The inability to know what they want, getting swept away in the moment of the first date, then making the snap decision to recant and disassociate without the benefit of a more personalized goodbye. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person being too immature to take any accountability or responsibility for their own actions, or for leading you on.
When it is Neither of You
Lastly, in this next section are situations where it is not you, or the other person that is at the source of you not getting a second date, but some real possible situations that people find themselves in, or issues of compatibility that has nothing to do with how a person feels. Rather than discuss the real reasons, it is easier for people that do not know each other beyond a great first date, to simply cite “no chemistry”, so that they can end this particular stage with you, because it is just easier that way when life happens.
25. The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of their focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal medical diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person would rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for them. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future anyways.
26. The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt them; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and they associate good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma.
27. The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation. They decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm, or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning.
28. The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so they dumped you. Family and friends can be very important factors in deciding whom a person continues to date. It is interesting to note that seeking the validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single.
29. The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment. For this reason the person had to dump all the other people they were dating. I have witnessed how dating another person can motivate an admirer to pursue someone. It is a common enough occurrence that as soon as someone starts going on dates, others who worshipped from afar, or who were dating casually until now, suddenly feel compelled to make a move and secure the affections of their would-be lover. Sometimes people can date you just to make someone else jealous for exactly this reason.
30. The ex of the other person came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell you that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed. There is nothing quite like seeing the person you like dating others to light a fire of motivation to aggressively pursue (whether out of jealousy, or a legitimate belief that they should be together).
31. Off Limits. After a great first date, the person comes to identify you as an “Off-Limits” person. This means that they came to realize that you were someone they never should have had a first date with, or they already had such a hesitation, gave into temptation, but afterwards came to their senses not to pursue you any further. Perhaps you are a co-worker and they do not want to complicate anything by putting their careers in jeopardy if things go really bad. Perhaps they realize that they were romantically involved in the past with one of your friends or a family member (or vice-versa), and would rather follow a rule of non-fraternization. Putting someone in the “Off Limits” category is about avoiding dating someone who, for reasons that have nothing to do how you feel about the person, could complicate other areas of their life.
32. Different stages in life. After a great first date the person goes home and recognizes that you are both at very different stages in life. For example: One of you wants the lifestyle that comes with retirement, while the other to seeks a lifestyle that is just starting out with a family or new career. A great first date can reveal the awesome potential you may have as a couple, but if your lifestyles are incompatible because of the different stages you may be at, those incompatibilities may be more than enough to end things before a second date ever gets started.
33. It’s about the kids. This reason lumps together all the cases having to do with having kids. Perhaps it is that one of you wants kids, and it comes up during the date that the other does not want, or cannot have kids. Perhaps is it a matter of one person never wanting to be a parent or step-parent, only to find out the other is a single parent already. It could be that one person is not interested in helping raise younger children, and the other person has younger children. It can be politically incorrect for anyone to claim they are skipping a second date, after a great first date, because of the issues surrounding having children. There is no fault, blame or judgments here. Just people that went on a date who are not compatible for a long-term involvement because the issues surrounding having kids will eventually end the involvement regardless of what a great start it had.
34. Incompatible pasts. Each day of our lives we all make choices, and with each choice we make there are consequences. We do not control what those consequences might be. Whether it is a series of choices that leads to having a criminal record, choices affecting your health today, choices about the education you opted for, or the job environments you had to work in, or choices in the people you have dated in the past, each of us has a past built on the choices we made, both good choices or bad choices. Not everyone you date will be able to handle or accept your past, just as you will not be able to handle the past of everyone you ever date. There is a difference between being non-judgmental about someone’s past, and getting romantically involved with someone with a past that you would not want to be associated with. When getting more serious beyond a first date, it is important that you are with someone that can fully accept your past. If someone does not accept your past, or you cannot accept theirs, then it is best to end it. Again, no fault, blame, or judgments here. Just people that went on a date but are not compatible for a long-term involvement.
35. Sexually incompatible. This is different from a person just being lousy at sex. The issue here is that you were not compatible. For example: If the other person was just looking for a one-night stand and you did not make the first move or give them a sign, it is not just an issue of not having sex, but an issue of having different sexual values. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with your love-making skills, but you just aren’t used to going at the pace as your lover, it does not mean you aren’t good, it just means that you are not seeking the same kind of touch. Some people like a really gentle touch, while others like it more rough. There is nothing wrong with either. Even if you had sex on the first date but the sex was not what the other person is used too, or hoped for, and there was no sign or discussion that you have similar sexual values as the other person, then a lack of sexual compatibility can be classified as a lack of sexual chemistry.
36. There actually is no chemistry. The date came across as just two good friends hanging out but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date, but if all you do is act like good buddies, it may not be enough to help generate attraction. And yes, even if you had sex on a first date, friends can experience casual sex together and enjoy their time together, but still lack the chemistry necessary to take it to the next level. So when someone tells you that they did not feel any chemistry, it is possible they are lying for any number of the reasons listed above, or maybe they are being rather truthful, in that they just did not feel what they needed to feel to see you as anything more than a friend (that they were willing to try having sex with).
Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own.
Regardless of the reason, you might just be better off without a person that would Ghost you to begin with.
You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work. With that said if you continue to have no second dates, you may want to sign up and see a dating coach, before no second dates turns into no first dates either.
25 reasons you got ghosted dumped after a great first date
by Frank Kermit
I recently came across a question about a particular dating dilemma. You go out on a first date that goes incredibly well. There is great music, mood, great talks, laughter, and physical contact including passionate kissing. Things are going so well that based on the way you are connecting, you both make plans for a second date. Then the next day, the person contacts you and says not interested and did not feel any chemistry. Why would anyone go through the motions of an entire first date as if they are interested, only to say in an impersonal communication the next day they did not feel any chemistry?
Actually, it could be a number of reasons. It really depends on the overall context. As a coach for dating and relationships, I have come across more than my fair share of reasons why people disappear after a great first date.
Here are some possibilities and reasons that come directly from my experience as a coach, working with people who have dumped someone after a great first date:
1-The date came across as just two good friends hanging out, but nothing more. It is good to get along with your date. But if all you do is act like good buddies without any sexual tension, then kissing may not be as passionate for the other person as it was for you.
2-The ex came back into the picture between your first and second date. It is easier to tell someone that they felt no chemistry, instead of telling you the truth. With that said, if the communication is happening right in front of the newly returned partner/formerly ex, it would make sense for the person to completely downplay any chemistry that might have actually existed.
3-The person was cheating (or attempting to cheat) but in the end decided against it and ended it before things got out of hand. In this vain of thought, if the person was actually trying to cheat and got caught (or almost caught), it would make sense to end it quickly before you turn stalker-like and send a series of messages that the cheater partner may come across. Hard to keep pursuing when someone tells you “no-chemistry”.
4-The person has a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and desires socializing, even limited physical touching, but cannot risk giving into the impulse to have sex, so the person cancels any potential future dates. Instead of wondering why someone broke your heart, you might actually consider being grateful that someone may have just spared you life without you knowing it. It is easier to dump a person than to expose themselves by revealing the true nature of their health status to a relative stranger.
5-The person was using you to pay for the meal and lavish date, or using you to get into a venue that you have access too. Once the person got what they wanted in exchange for a little compensation touching, they are moving on to the next target.
6-The person really liked you and intended to date you again, but felt their friends and or family would not approve of you so dumped you. The validation of friends and family approval is why some people will continue to end up perpetually single.
7-Something you said/did on the date turned the other person right off but the person could not react in the moment (for example, during the date you made insulting jokes about a particular group of people and the person is related to someone of that group). So instead of acting in the moment and revealing private personal information, the person chose to act as if everything was OK to protect their privacy for the rest of the night to be safe.
8-Each person has emotional needs. If you did not satisfy the emotional needs of the person you dated they will have no motivation to date you again. Maybe you seriously violated the person’s emotional needs, or you simply did not address them and were neutral.
9. The person is a virgin (or very inexperienced) and does not know how to process intense emotions that comes after having a great first date and does not want to feel pressured into going on a second date. Not everyone is ready to experience the next level of intimacy that a second date may represent.
10-The person is trying hard to date someone not their type BUT isn't willing to push through the next level of a second date. You weren’t the type they were normally attracted to, and they were looking to be open-minded for a first date, but just could not fake it enough to make a second date happen.
11-The person could have been triggered by a past trauma and just cannot date you. It has nothing to do with you personally. It could be that you remind the person of someone that hurt him or her; or it could be the feeling of connection and chemistry that triggered them; and associate those good feelings with a core hurt. It is easier to dump you than to deal with past trauma.
12-The person lied on the first date about something, and worries they will get found out. So you get dumped before you even have the chance to dump them later on when you find out the truth.
13. The other person was just looking for a one-night stand, but was waiting for you to make a move or give them a sign. When you did not, the person lost interest. If someone is just looking for a one-night-stand, they are not committed to anything they say in the moment, because the current moment is all that interests them. They were never interested in a second date. They just wanted sex that night, and when the moment passed, they aren’t interested in giving you another chance to waste time.
14-The person was a professional looking for you to pay money for companionship on an ongoing basis, but discovered through the process of the date that you were either not wealthy enough or not willing enough to accept such an arrangement. Rather than try to change your mind, or reveal their true intentions, they would rather focus on recruiting an easier client.
15-The person was seeing multiple people at the same time, and someone made the move before you did to earn a monogamous commitment and thus the person had to dump all other people he or she was dating.
16-The person was running a bet or taking part in a contest with some friends, about who they could get to date them, or how many first dates the person could get, or how far they could get someone attached and wanting a second date. This one is cruel, but it does happen. You might have just been a target for someone else’s participation in a contest bet that had nothing to do with you.
17-The person was struggling and/or questioning their sexual orientation and decided to try to date someone like you to see what it would be like, to either prove, confirm or disprove something. Sometimes you are just someone else’s experiment while questioning.
18-The person was hit with a crisis situation that required all of his or her focus and attention, and simply was not in a position to even entertain getting into a relationship much less date. A personal diagnosis, sickness of a family member, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, and any other major sense of loss that a person would have to cope with. Tragedy can kill any feeling of chemistry that may have actually existed, and the person might rather set you free than to be honest and risk you wasting your time waiting for him or her. Tragedy changes people, and the person they become might not be a good dating partner for you in the future.
19-The person sensed that you generally have a good heart, and that they simply are not into you as much as you are into them. The person likes you a lot, but not as much as you liked them, so decided best to cut you loose before you get more attached and get really hurt. The person might be trying to be ethical after all, but has chosen a less than great way to do it.
20-The person looked you up on the Internet after the first date, and the searches revealed lots of information about you from your professional work profiles and on your social media. With the mystery gone, and perhaps finding out things about you and your worst moments and traits, it was a no-go from there. Maybe you a friends with someone that is an ex lover of theirs, or they do not like the social circles you keep.
21-The person was a people pleaser. Fear of conflict makes some people act completely agreeable during the first date, to the point of misleading you to think you actually stand a chance at a second date. They hide behind a polite façade to the point of aggressively going along in the moment with anything someone presents them with, to the point where they react with a backlash the next day with a rejection. Might be a good thing that you did not end up dating that person more than you did.
22-The person has incredibly low self-esteem and figures that you will eventually end it when you get to know them, so they dump you first, even though they actually want to date you. Better to dump you now instead of you abandoning them later and justifying their low self-esteem.
23-The person wants to play a mind-game with you to see if you will chase them. Some are legitimately interested in you, but the way they react to any attachment/attraction is to push you away really hard to see if you are going to “prove” yourself and chase them really hard. Some have no interest in you at all, but just love the attention you may shower them with by pushing you away and watching you chase them. Some of these people could be suffering from a mental illness of some kind, while others are just malicious. Either way, if someone pushes you away that much, maybe you should just accept it.
24-The person is running scared. The person did not expect to like you so much and wasn’t ready for the potential connection that seemed to be developing, so they ran away from you using any excuse they could think of. (Run Forest Run!) Some people really have a fear of intimacy and you came across too good to be true.
25-Maybe the person really likes your company in the moment but does not see a long-term future. If someone is seeking out a serious long term partner, they may not want to spend their time with people who they are interested in, but do not believe will be there long term. Maybe the person really liked you and you read all the signs correctly. However, after the first date, it is possible the person reflected on their life goals and realized that they need to focus on dating people that have a serious long-term relationship candidacy and felt you did not qualify for that. Chances are, that in reading these stories from my years of coaching, you might see yourself in one of them, or even come up with a few more possible reasons on your own. You are not in control of others rejecting you. You are only in control of how you come across. If you are coming across in ways that unintentionally turn people off there are things you can do to change that. Just do not give up. Even with the odds against you, you can still find what you are looking for, as long as you are willing to put in the work.
You can’t choose
what stays and what fades
- Florence and the Machine
by Carrie Joyner
I’ll be honest. The trouble with love is that when you jump in, even if its half hearted and just on a free online dating site... you are still putting yourself out there-all jokes aside, you really are.
There is your picture/s the yesses and the no’s, the snap judgements. the elation of a match (if it’s one you really wanted) and the devastation if it’s a match that you accidentally swiped right on cause you were just on a swiping tear and meant to swipe left (trust me, it feels bad ignoring those guys, it feels mean).
Then you just feel bad not answering back to some people you just realize there is no connection with. There is seeing your exes on there that you can’t swipe left fast enough on...and then you see someone that you are like...hmmm....maybe, wait...yes.
That right swipe meant a lot to me those days. (The right swipes were no longer just handed out for thrills...I just wanted it to be a good match.)
So, Felipe and I (not his real name) matched. We chatted for about a month, which is unheard of on Tinder, even though most of our chatting was done on text or email after the first 2 days.
He and I both have kids and tight schedules, so I found a hole in my schedule and asked him to meet me an hour and a half before my friend was supposed to show up for dinner at a restaurant. He quickly accepted.
When I met him, he was waiting at the table on the terrace where we had agreed to meet... just as he had promised, tall, handsome and well, attractive. We sat down, had a drink together, a great
conversation....it seemed perfect.
Then my friend arrived, sat down, we all chatted politely together for a minute and soon he politely stepped away and said good bye. I hugged him inside and thanked him for a nice date- no kiss on the lips...he just wanted to know when we could see each other again.
Tuesday made sense at the time so we set the date on the spot.
Everything seemed to be going well, but when Tuesday rolled around and I had a huge presentation to prepare for the next morning, I thought he would be really upset if I cancelled.
Quite the opposite- and this is where the red flags should have started going off. “Whatever I needed would work”...”No pressure”.
I thought I met the perfect man, what a chill date.
Cut to us seeing each other for 5 weeks straight, I told him I got off Tinder (hint hint) and he just kind of swerves around that and asks when we are seeing each other again. (Red flag 2)
The last time we saw each other was probably the best time, so what came next was a bit of a shock. A private facebook message from a friend came in who asked if I was still dating Felipe. I said, no, I don’t think so seeing as I haven’t really heard much from him since the night my dog was dying/died a few days ago.
She said “oh, good”.
I asked why? Did she mean because his teeth weren’t perfect? (She was my friend who met me the night he and I first met the first time).
No! She said. He has been chatting/messaging one of her friends since a few days after he and I met. They are planning on meeting up soon.
Now not to get into specifics, but when I tell a guy I got off a dating site, it’s because I consider us as dating/exclusive.
Clearly this was not the case here.
I get that dating on modern dating sites can be a grey area.
However, when you are with someone for over a month, should there not be a mention of the fact that you are just one of possibly many?
Then I started being thankful that he knew little/if nothing of my family, had never met my son...I had never met his family.
Sometimes, the lord works in mysterious ways.
This Thanks Giving, I know what I am grateful for.
Honest relationships, true friendships and family.
As for the rest....BYE, Felipe!
Seeing Ghosts (the online Houdini’s are everywhere on Tinder)
By Carrie Joyner
The first time I heard the expression “ghosting” was when I was driving in the car, listening to a celebrity report on the radio about a famous couple where they said “rumors are that so and so has just been ghosted by so and so”.
I remember thinking to myself “what the hell does that mean?”
After a quick Urban Dictionary search (my go-to site for finding out what things like BBW, FWB and BBG mean and the likes), here is what I found:
The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills.
Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.
Carmen: How was your second date with Kyle?
Beth: I thought it went well, but I've texted him a couple of times since then and he's been ghosting me.
Carmen: What? I thought he was more mature than that.
#ignore #ignoring #igging #avoid #avoiding #ghosting #ghost
I feel you, Beth.
When it comes to the wonderful world of Tinder, there are certain things that you just can’t explain and really leave you scratching your head in the “ WTH just happened there?” kind of way.
I am talking about conversations, however long or short, where the person just drops off the face of the Tinderverse.
Their profiles are still active, sometimes they don’t even bother unmatching you- they just don’t want to communicate anymore.
If the definition really means actually going on a date with someone and then just never hearing from them again, this applies to me, as well.
The first 3 in-person Tinder dates seemed to go really well.
They were sexy men, could hold a conversation, there seemed to
be chemistry...but at the end of each of those dates came a request to come back to my place.
Not really my style,
so I would playfully decline and then POOF.
They were gone.
One of them went to the bathroom after the bill was paid and didn’t even bother to say goodbye. He texted me right after saying he thought I had left, so he left.
Who does that?
Then he asked to see me again,
I said sure (he was a 10 hot)...
giving him the benefit of the doubt,
and then he “ghosted”.
Why go to the trouble of asking for a second date if there was never any intention on actually setting one up?
Trying to navigate the online dating (or arguably- the online hook up) world is at times confusing, tedious and well, to be brutally honest, hurtful.
There must be some sort
of Tinder behavior code, memo or manual
that I never got to read.
I can’t tell you how many hot guys
I have matched with who
a.) never bothered to say anything,
b.) say something super basic and then once they get a reply
My favorite one was a guy who asked to connect on messenger, asked me if I wanted to go over to his place for wine and a massage, asked me for a full body pic, and when I said he could just go check on Facebook, he said “the fact that you won’t send me one proves my point”.
I responded “the fact that you want our first date to be at your place, involve being naked contingent on seeing my full body pic, proves mine!”
At least after I said “Good luck and BYE!”
I got a reply...it was this: “CYA”. Perfect.
That is not a ghost, just a jerk.
The light at the end of my tunnel (no pun intended) is that for the past few weeks I have been seeing and really falling for a Tinder dude. He was walking up to my place yesterday and I actually got butterflies for the first time in a long time. We will see where it goes, but I am hoping he doesn’t one day just turn into a ghost, too.
Dr. Laurie Betito Quotes