(This is a contributed post)
Horse Back Riding as a First Date By Nancy Smythe So you want to suggest an equestrian outing as a first date. It could certainly be romantic in a riding-off-into-the-sunset kind of way...or not. Here are some things to keep in mind as you plan your outing to make sure things go as smoothly as possible. It is important to consider that riding a horse, even a calm, well trained one can still be risky. This is a living animal, not an amusement park ride and the risk of falling off is real. Things such as severe allergies (to the horse, dust or hay), mobility issues etc may limit what kind of activities you can do. Be sure to ask your date ahead of time if he or she has allergies or any other issues that would prevent them from enjoying the activity you have planned. So to start, what kind of activity would you and your date prefer? There are a surprising number of stables that offer a variety of services to novice riders within an hour radius of most downtown areas. It is important to choose a place that will offer the type of experience you both are looking for but with an acceptable level of safety. It may be for a half hour trail ride all the way to full weekend trail rides with camping, or an hour introductory riding lesson, or even just a petting zoo/farm visit type of experience. A good place to start your search would be with the Provincial (or State) equestrian association of your area. In the province of Quebec we have Cheval QuÈbec and the Equi-QualitÈ program which lists stables that meet the safety and horse welfare criteria set out by our national equestrian association. There you can search by region and type of activity to find just the right place for your date. If you are referred to a barn that isn't part of Equi-QUalitÈ or a similar program, it may still be a good place, but make sure of the following: Are they insured? It is generally standard to be required to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks. If they don't have one to sign, they probably aren't insured in case of an accident. If you are going to ride, do they have helmets for you to wear? It should also be standard that they have you wear a helmet. If they don't, not a good sign either. Is your guide certified by your national or provincial association? This is not necessarily standard (and not really necessary if you are visiting a farm but not intending to ride) but is becoming more common and also goes a long way to ensuring your safety and enjoyment of the outing. If they are sending you and your date out on the trail with a non-certified teenager as a guide, definitely not a good idea. Most associations will have lists of certified trainers, instructors and guides available on their web sites. Once you've booked your outing and are preparing to leave, make sure you and your date are properly dressed. Skirts, dresses, shorts, sandals and high heels that are commonly worn clothes for summer dates are major no-no’s. It is dangerous, uncomfortable and a reputable place shouldn't even allow you to ride in such clothing. The best clothing for riding is fairly close fitting but not restricting. Sports pants and boots with a small heel (similar to cowboy boots) are ideal for the average trail ride. Jeans are ok, but unless you have real riding jeans, you are likely to get blisters or chaffing in all the wrong places because of the seams. Not particularly conducive to continuing the date after the ride. Sun block and insect repellent is recommended as with all outdoor activities. Now you and your date are at the barn and ready to ride! Make sure you pay attention to the instructions your guide gives you. Following guidelines will keep you safe and help to ensure an enjoyable ride. Do not insist on galloping or even trotting if your date isn't comfortable with it. Going at speed on a horse is not as easy as it looks. It takes skill and balance that is most often developed by many hours in the saddle. So while keeping the horse at a walk may not satisfy the adrenaline seekers out there, it may still prevent a trip to the hospital. Be respectful of your date's comfort zone. Trail riding or visiting a farm can be a great way to get some quiet time to talk and get to know your date while enjoying a natural setting. So plan ahead, be prepared and enjoy the ride! Nancy Smythe has been certified by the Canadian Equestrian Federation (now Equestrian Canada) and the Federation Èquestre du Quebec (now Cheval Quebec) as a Level 1 Trainer since 1991. She has supported numerous riders and their horses in achieving their personal goals, whether those goals are to win a Championship, overcome a particular fear or simply improve communication between horse and rider to instill safe riding skills. To contact Nancy you can reach her through her Facebook
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Battling Insecurities When Dating
By Frank Kermit Insecurities can be an obstacle in your dating life. The special challenge is that even if you find someone that you like, who happens to like you back, your own insecurities will more than likely sabotage every great potential relationship you find. Insecure people usually lack a certain confidence, and can be troubled by self-doubt about their own abilities, skills, and their own self-worth. People can feel insecure about a variety of things such as weight, height, attractiveness, facial features, disabilities, social status and even whether or not they are deserving of being treated well or of experiencing being loved. When your insecurities overwhelm your entire sense of self worth, it may be referred to as an inferiority complex, which can at times drive individuals to overcompensate to achieve extreme related success. For example, a person with an inferiority complex about his or her looks, could potentially go to extreme measures to be considered very attractive, such as people who starve themselves to unhealthy near death limits, or people who train hard to the point of injuring themselves. Insecurities can be rooted both from childhood experiences (for example, growing up with a feeling of unworthiness of love or attention from a parent), as well as, experiences from an adult's life (for example, a failure of some kind that became wrapped up in the adult's self identity). In my practice, what I see most often is that insecure people attempt to solve their insecurities by aiming to be as perfect as possible. This means not taking any action in dating waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect partner, or waiting until he or she achieves some great accolade before being open to dating. Striving for perfection does not seem to alleviate insecurities. It actually exasperates the problem constantly leaving an individual feeling like he or she is not ever perfect enough to be loved. Full on acceptance of self is the best solution for insecurities. It is the complete opposite of the source of being insecure, and when a person fully accepts and loves him or her self, they also accept their insecurities as part of what makes them whole and unique. Once you reach a point where you do not fear abandonment, or fear being unwanted, and accept yourself for all the reason you think people could potentially reject you, that is when you give off the belief in yourself that attracts people. When you are OK with you, you teach others how to be OK with you. This does not mean that EVERYONE is going to flock to you. Fact is, even at your best, there will likely always be a percentage of the population that will not accept you. However, once you fully accept you, you may be surprised to find out that many other people (the majority in fact) will be more accepting of you as well, no matter what it was you originally felt insecure about. The aim is not to ignore the element at the heart of your insecurity, or to try to hide it from others. It means that others may also acknowledge the existence of what you were insecure about, and still accept you with it. One of the behaviors I always encourage in my clients to help them along the path to a stronger self-esteem and to build up self-acceptance is to stop judging other people. Treat people with compassion at all times. It is a learn-able skill just like any other. Avoid gossiping about people, making fun of anyone for any reason whatsoever (in person or online), and be accepting and tolerant of others, even if you do not like them. They do not have to conform to your own sense of appeal for you to accept them. You do not have to like a person, their look, or their lifestyle, in order to accept them and respect their rights as human beings; whatever flaws you may see in them. How openly or harshly you judge others are signs of how little or how much you compassionately accept yourself. Frank Kermit Dating With Disabilities
By Frank Kermit I once went on a date with a woman that had severe food allergies. We went out to a movie and I wished she had told me ahead of time. Although she mentioned that she was deathly allergic to peanuts, what she did not tell me (and I guess she felt I would have inferred) is that a movie theater was not a safe environment for her. She needed to be careful that someone coming in late to the movie and sitting near her was not eating anything that could end up being dropped near any exposed skin of hers. I never ate nuts of any kind at the movies, so it was never something that even crossed my mind. Much of our date was her spending her attention on potential threats to her life. On the one hand, I could appreciate her trying to accommodate me, but on the other hand, if she had been more direct and told me the best places for us to have a date (based on what she already knew about her disability) it would have made for an even better date for us. You are your greatest ambassador in your life. You are the one person that can step up and expertly describe to others exactly how you want and need to be treated. Some people struggle with this because they do not know how to stand up for themselves to communicate what they need and want, while others struggle because, they simply do not know what it means to be treated well in general. When someone has a disability of any sort which compromises their means of living in any way, getting into the dating scene can be a little more challenging than most people. Whether your disability has to do with one of your senses (deafness), a physical challenge (you are in a wheelchair), an intellectual challenge (learning disability of some kind), or any other disability that you assume may get in the way of some aspect of your dating life, the best way to communicate what you need is DIRECTLY AND POLITELY. Let the people in your life know what you need in no uncertain terms. Tell them what they can expect from you, and what you require from them in order for the two of you to associate and get along. It is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you are not used to asking for help, or even talking about your disability in general. Not all disabilities are visible and no one would ever suspect it, unless directly told by the person who has the disability that it exists. A key point to remember is if you act embarrassed or ashamed of your disability, whenever you teach people how to treat you, then your uneasiness with your disability is part of what you are teaching others. Even if you tell them with your words that it is OK that you have your disability and that you can still have a relationship with them, if your tonality and other communication factors (your facial expression. Body language and the energy in your eyes) tells people something different such as you do not believe what you are saying; you are likely going to be rejected, regardless of your efforts. When sharing your disability, it is necessary to be positive, and reflect on the gifts your disability has given you. Yes, a disability that has taken something away from you may in fact be the same disability that has given you a gift that is likely taken for granted. If the person with the disability takes it for granted, it is more challenging to have potential romantic partners see the brighter side of it. A disability may have the effect of intangible benefits that are generally not valued as much as tangible benefits. In my experience, both personal and professional, when disabled people remain angry or resentful about their disability, it is more difficult for them to find qualities they appreciate about their disability. It is human, and very normal, to feel negative about a disability. However, when trying to establish a certain quality of life, a needed component is the ability to embrace the positive in your life, and that includes whatever positives a person can identify, even as a result of a disability. For the struggles my own weight issues have given me throughout my life, it has also given me the capacity for a non-judgmental frame of reference when dealing with people and their own body image issues. Knowing how hurtful it is to be mistreated for the way I look, I strive to endeavor to treat others in an accepting manner regardless of their body type. That is a value, albeit an intangible one. If I acknowledge my acceptance of others as a character trait of value, those around me, are even more likely to appreciate that about me as well. If I were to take my valuable trait for granted, it is even more likely that those around me will also take me for granted. Get it? Almost every disability has a capacity to give the disabled person a gift. Physical limitations can give someone the ability to have compassion for others. Allergies can give someone a heightened sense of awareness of their environments (to observe any potential threats). Chronic illness can give someone the ability to have a deep appreciation for good days and good people. These intangible qualities are easy to ignore and take for granted. However one of the most important elements for relationship success is how a person treats you. Much of that important element is based on a person's intangible qualities. When you can appreciate those qualities in yourself, it can be a means of appreciating those qualities (REALLY appreciating them) in others. That new ability of appreciating the intangible in others is one of the special qualities of being able to sort out the red flags in order to better help you find your future soul mates. Yes, it is all connected; A-ha moment anyone? Sometimes it can get tiring to always be the one to educate the rest of the world about your disability. Well, get used to it. Disability or not, we ALL have to do it. Every single one of us is responsible to educate others about who we are, and how we want to be treated. It is a never-ending burden that depending how you choose to manage it, can also be an empowering exercise of personal expression. Finally, we must acknowledge that when you do tell people you want to date and talk about your disability, and explain whatever extra attention you will need in order for that person to be in a relationship with you, that yes, you are taking a chance and YES, you WILL GET REJECTED by some people. It is inevitable. There will always be those that walk away from you, no matter how well you communicate about how feasible it is to enjoy dating you. On the flip side, there will always be those people that will not be fazed by whatever your disability is that simply would enjoy the chance of dating you. There is nothing to convince those people that they see you as a person with a disability, and not as a disability wrapped up in a person. It is those in the middle (and sometimes they are the majority) who will not know how to act. It is not that they will automatically reject you, or accept you. They simply do not know enough about your disability to decide. These are the people that you can exercise a power of influence upon. With that said, they will look to you for an example of how they should behave (accepting or rejecting). That is where the ability to connect deeply exists. Your ability to love and fully accept yourself gets the opportunity to transcend to others, helping others to have the ability to love and accept you. After all is said and done, it is your ability to love and accept yourself, in addition to your ability to communicate that self love and self acceptance to others, and not the disability itself, that will play the biggest role in the creation of your love life. As for the peanut girl, she decided that she did not want to continue seeing me. One of her reasons was that she felt we could not have a relationship because I would have had to give up going out socially carefree always on the look out for allergic dangers, and she worried I would eventually resent her. It is too bad she disqualified herself as I did not have a problem with that, and I would have loved to see her again. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and How Soon Is Too Soon For Sex) in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Sexual Compatibility When Dating By Frank Kermit Sex. How scary the word can be when having to discuss your sexual boundaries with someone new that you are dating. A common question, I am asked by singles that are aiming to figure out the dating rules, is: How soon is too soon for adults to start having sex when dating someone new? Some schools of thought suggest waiting on having sex with someone new until you have gotten to know the person better. This method helps stave off getting too attached to someone too soon, as having sex can increase attachment for some people. It is believed that holding off also helps discourage people who pretend to seek something more meaningful but that just wanted sex, and will abandon partners right after sex. Other schools of thought suggest that having sex right away works best. This method gets the sex out of the way so that neither person is pre-occupied with sexual anticipation, and prevents either partner from building up what the sex could be like in their fantasies, which may come crashing down when the reality of sex happens. It is also believed that having sex right away helps discover if you have sexual chemistry, which for some people is very important to the long term success of the relationships they seek. In the end, it comes down to sexual values and finding someone that has similar values to you, in order to best make it work. There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, or having sex right away, as long as, you are acting congruently within the boundaries of your sexual values. It is important that you seek a partner that has compatible sexual values as you do. The trouble exists where people have hypocrisies in their personal value structure. A person who wants sex right away, but condemns any partner that willingly has sex right away has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved. A person that believes that sex is a special intimate act that should only take place after two people have gotten to know one another over a longer period of time, but then rationalizes that a one night stand with a stranger does not count also has a hypocrisy that needs to be resolved. These become very challenging if and when you have children with someone that you do not share similar sexual values, as conflicts will arise when it is time for the sex education of your children about sexual values. It is up to you to come to terms with your own sexual values and to eliminate any personal hypocrisy you may have about sex. Seeking someone with sexually compatible beliefs is much more important than trying to follow rules for yourself that may conflict with the way you really feel about sex. It is for no one to judge you for your desires, and the best way to protect your freedom to choose for yourself, is to set an example, and not judge others for choosing differently for themselves. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition as a Couple)
in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks: I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Separation and Dating By Frank Kermit One of the most damaging actions an individual can take is to start dating someone new when going through a separation with their serious long-term partner (spouse, common-law partner or a defacto-union). When I use the term separation here, it is not to be confused with a Legal Separation, which is a legal status, and an alternative to divorce for couples that have moral or religious objections to legal divorce. I am specifically referring to when a couple goes through a separation where they are taking time apart from each other, living separately, in a period of limbo where there is an equal possibility of either a divorce or a reconciliation. This period can be especially difficult when there are children involved. Some therapists recommend that individuals date other people. I completely disagree with this stance. Involving anyone new into a dynamic that is already in a vulnerable shape that turns it into an emotional triangle can wreak havoc on both partners, cause incredible distress on any children who rely on the partners who are separated, as well as cause confusion for the people you date. The point of such a separation is not to experience it as a trial divorce, as many couples unfortunately assume it to be. In fact, the whole reason that separations occur is to work at every possible solution to give the relationship every chance it can have to survive. You do not need to separate first in order to file for divorce (except in the rarest of cases where you must be separated for a specific period of time for a court ordered divorce when one of the partners refuses to agree to it). If you want a divorce, get a divorce. Do not sugarcoat a divorce with a separation if you have no intention of working on your current relationship while separated. What to do during a separation: Work on yourself and whatever issues you may have that contributed to the separation. Get tested for depression. Seek out therapy and coaching. Sober up and deal with your demons. Learn about how to address emotional needs and how to have your own emotional needs addressed. Spend your time alone doing self-reflection and bettering your understanding of love and relationships. Ask yourself why you would have made the choices you made that got you into this situation to begin with. Ask yourself what you have to change to build a future life plan where you will not end up here again. If you invest in a couple of years of this kind of time into healing, then so be it. What is a couple of years compared to the lifetime you can have when reconciled with your partner, and other parent, of your children? It is worth it. What not to do during a separation: It is not a time to form a close bond with new people that would threaten your relationship. Do not hang out with friends and family that have always encouraged you to break it off. It is not a time to be hanging out in bars playing the pickup game. It is not a time to be part of any unplanned pregnancy. It is not a time to be isolating your children from your partner as revenge on your partner. It is not a time to live out all those things you always wanted to do, but were prohibited by your relationship. It is not a time to make significant asset purchases like a new home. It is not a time to make any life altering plans given the lack of emotional stability in your life. It is not a time to uproot your kids from the remaining stability in their lives. Separation does not automatically lead to divorce unless you let it. It is up to you and your partner to put in the work so that it does not happen. In the event you are the only one trying to work on yourself and your partner is not, the exercise is NOT in vain. Do it anyways. At worst, you may influence your partner into participating. At best, you will reach a level of emotional health and be able to teach your children from a broken home what it is to be able to manage an emotionally healthy relationship by serving as an example. If you do not make the efforts to heal, you will likely find yourself in a similar situation again in the future. If you do heal, but do not get the co-operation you need to save your relationship, you can take comfort in the fact you will be able to form better relationships for yourself in the future, which will benefit you, and any children who will be touched by your new relationships. People are their repeating behavior patterns, and it is likely that whatever the issues that broke up your first serious relationship, are likely going to break up the second one as well, unless you work on yourself to correct those behavior patterns. Changing your partner will not solve the issues you carry inside. When the second serious relationship ends, is when most people realize they likely would have had an easier and possibly happier life (for their children as well) if they had just worked out the issues with their first serious relationship. At the very least, be ethical if you are enacting a separation with your partner. You are dealing with another human being, and giving any false hope when you have already decided that this is the beginning of the end, is a horrible thing to do. It is not just your partner you need to consider here. Even if you are too angry and resentful at your partner, and have reached a point where you just do not care, any children you have with your partner will surely be affected by the negative emotions. Your children are half you, and half your partner, and will internalize your negative feelings towards your partner, no matter how much you try to shield them from it. If you do date someone while in the middle of a separation, the worst thing you can do is throw it in your partner's face for your own satisfaction, or as a means of getting a reaction out of your partner. In fact, this is creating a divide, not just with your partner (which you may be too drunk on negative emotions to care about); it has the incredible potential to also turn your own children against you, through no encouragement from your partner. This type of violation of security in your children is more difficult to heal than the problems you have with your adult partner. If you want to end it and leave, then file for divorce and be done with it. Telling your partner that you are separating to think about things and that you intend to make the effort to work things out, when in actuality you are just making it easier to manage your secret affair that you plan to leave your partner for, is a mistake. The odds are high that you will surely end up alone, or in a worse situation than you are in now. Statistically, new relationships that start out as affairs rarely last any significant amount of time, but the damage done to the children who learn of the affair is longer lasting. Separation is no time to start dating new people. Frank Kermit Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job and I'm A Woman, It's My Time Let the Holiday Headaches Begin!
By Frank Kermit You have been dating your new partner for a few weeks now, and your timeline has stumbled upon the holiday season. The holiday season means parties. Family parties, company parties, client-related parties, friends-traveling into town for dinner parties…should you bring your new relationship partner with you? Or should you go solo and wait until next year? The answer is: It Depends. The criteria you need to consider before you bring your new partner to meet your friends, co-workers and especially your family at a function is if you are ready to go public with the nature of your relationship. That’s it. If you are not prepared to introduce your partner as “your partner”, you do not bring your partner along. And before the label-haters (those people that can not stand putting a label on their romantic exchanges) start gunning down my throat, consider this: It will be easier on you, your partner, and everyone that your partner will be introduced too. If you are not going to introduce your partner as your actual partner, then do not bring him or her. The worst thing you can do is to bring your partner to a function and introduce your partner to everyone there as your “friend”. First of all, introducing your partner as “your friend” makes it awkward for everyone. You are not fooling anyone. People will make three assumptions: (1) you are dating but do not want to admit it because there is something wrong with your relationship, (2) one of you wants to date the other but the other is not interested enough, or (3) you are both just pathetic because you would rather hang out with a platonic friend instead of making the effort to actually find your own legitimate partner. Which would you prefer? Personally, I have been in all three situations, and I can tell you from experience that none of them make you feel good at the end of the night. One of the stories I often hear during my coaching is about the person who brings a “friend” they are interested in to a function, like a work party, and end up having to bite their tongues when co-workers start to flirt, hit on and aggressively try to attract “the friend”. After all, if you aren’t willing to admit that you are more than “just friends” (or that you would want to be), then your “friend” is fair game. Do not put the focus of your affection into a potentially compromising social position. If you are still at the point of having to introduce your partner as “your friend” at any functions, then do everyone a favor: Wait until next year, and bring your partner along to the future holiday functions if you are still together, and publicly open as a couple. Frank Kermit Gift Giving Guide
For The Stages of Dating By Frank Kermit The holiday season tends to also be a time of gift giving for many cultures. Shopping for just the perfect gift for your loved ones can be challenging enough. However, what if the person you are shopping for is someone that you just started dating? Perhaps someone you are dating casually and have no plans of introducing the new love at a holiday function. Perhaps it is someone you are dating in secret without any plans for it to last beyond a few weeks. Perhaps you had a weekend fling with someone during the year, and although nothing serious came of it, you remember that person fondly. Are there appropriate gifts for such people? There is also the dreaded circumstance of wanting to get a gift for an ex of yours, with whom you have remained friends with, or at least are civil with, for the sake of co-parenting or maintaining a social circle. Gifting has the potential to be as complicated as the people and relationships we have with them. So to make your holiday gift giving a little easier, here are some tips. Dating someone regularly, where you see a potential future, requires some thought and planning. Since this is the person you will likely bring to your holiday parties as your partner, choose a gift that serves two purposes. First, it should be a gift that shows you have been listening and paying attention to what your partner has been saying. Second, it would be a good idea (but not necessary) to get a gift that your partner can wear when presented to your family and friends. For example, if your partner has an affinity for a particular animal, a pendant, broach, or cufflinks related to that animal that your partner could wear when meeting your friends and family may be a good gift. It makes for a great conversation piece. With that in mind, it could also time to go all the way with an engagement ring (after all, it ‘tis the season). Dating someone casually, or dating in secret where you will not be presenting him or her to family and friends, calls for a more social gift. A gift certificate to outings that you both like to frequent usually works well for these relations. If the two of you spend time together watching movies, then movie gift certificates or online movies to watch at home, are fine choices. If you are looking for a gift idea for someone that you only shared a short-term dalliance with, keep the gift inexpensive and simple. A dollar store greeting card is more than enough. (I discourage e-cards, because they often end up in spam folders). Holiday cards are also great gifts for the ex because although it is a nice gesture, it is nothing so grand that might wrongly communicate a desire to reconcile. In both cases where you are no longer involved with a person, but still want to share a wish of peace, a standard greeting card is more than perfect. It really is the thought that counts. Just do not over think it. Getting into brand new relationships is tricky enough, but when new relationships start around the holidays, it can be even trickier. In fact, there are even people who boycott dating just before or during the holiday season because they do not want to deal with extra challenges. One of the challenges that new relationships face during the holiday season is trying to figure out how appropriate it is to attend a holiday gathering, be it an office work party, or a holiday family dinner. It is not always easy to navigate whether or not you need to invite your new relationship partner. Bringing a new partner to a holiday gathering of any kind is an outward sign to everyone around you that your relationship (no matter just how new it is) is getting more serious. That will be the automatic assumption for most people. Where this may get unpleasant is when one partner in the new relationship is looking forward to sharing the holiday gatherings together, and the other partner feels that it may be too soon to attend such events as a couple. Although it is good to know exactly where each of you stands, especially if you both have different views of your status, it can also be disappointing to find out that you and your partner do not seem to agree on the level of commitment that exists. As a coach, I have been asked if it is wise to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering and to introduce your new partner as -just a friend-. I always advise against this. If you are going to introduce your new partner as just a friend, one of two things is likely to happen. The first is that people may assume that you are actually involved and wonder what must be wrong with the two of you for not admitting it (perhaps assuming that your partner is already married and cheating?). The second is that those people who actually believe the two of you are -just friends- may unknowingly make a pass at your partner, in your presence, because they assume that as -just friends-, your companion must be single. After all, if your companion weren’t single, that person would be out with a significant other, and not hanging with another friend at a holiday gathering. When trying to resolve this dating dilemma, the issue is not actually how long you have been dating, but rather the level of commitment of your relationship. It does not matter if you only started dating two weeks prior to the holidays, two months prior to the holidays or have had been seeing each other for two years prior to this holiday season. How long you have been involved is not a deciding factor when choosing to bring your partner to a holiday gathering. It has everything to do with how serious your commitment is to one another and if you are intending to build a future together. A couple that has only been dating for two weeks but is already secure in the idea of getting married and growing old together should attend holiday functions as a couple. A couple that has been seeing each other dating casually for over a year with zero intention of making any sort of long term commitment should not involve one another into holiday gathers. If either of the partners in this new relationship is not fully prepared to accept how attending holiday functions together will be interpreted by family, co-workers and friends as a sign of a more serious commitment, then the ethical choice is not to attend them together, until such a time as you get more serious. Frank Kermit The Holiday Mistake Singles Make
By Frank Kermit There are many mistakes singles make, that keep them single. The holiday time is no exception. At a time when the motivation to meet someone new to date may be at an all time high, some single people make the mistake of shelving their hearts, and put off dating new people, until after the holidays are over. On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Going into the holidays, is a busy time. Planning for holiday parties and gift buying, trying to finish work related projects before taking time off, and studying for final exams makes the time leading up to the holidays a period of high stress. Who has the time or energy to even think about starting to date, or pursue meeting someone new? So really, what is the problem with holding off dating until after the holiday season is over? Well, there isn’t really anything wrong with it per se. If you do not want to date, then do not date. However, giving into this mindset is habit forming. After the holidays, comes the period after New Years and it is too cold to go out to be social and date. Then comes Valentine’s Day and there is way too much pressure to face dating someone new. Springtime is too wet outside and no one likes how there bodies look coming out of the winter blues and final exams again. So let’s wait until summer rolls around. Then in summer, there are so many places to visit, vacations to plan, work projects to finish before heading out on vacation. Did we mention the humidity? Ok, and the kids are out of school, so no time for social dating then. We will get back to dating in the fall. Back to school, need a vacation from your vacation, and mending the broken heart from the loss of your summer fling, it is no time to date serious. Halloween already? I don’t want to date in costume, what am I? A clown? Next month when all the creepy decorations come down, I will make the effort for sure. Golly, weather changes are making me sleepy. Oh gee, so much to do because the holidays are coming up! Does any of this sound familiar? If you are perpetually single, it should. Using the holidays as a way to avoid dating is just another excuse in a long line of excuses. There is no perfect time to start dating. The best time to start is right now. Sure the holidays are hectic. So what? There will always be lots of reasons to avoid dating. You only need one to start, and that is because you want to. No one wants to be alone over the holidays. That is what makes it one of the best times to get out there and be social and meet new people. It is OK to want to meet someone new to date, and it is OK to want to do that over the holidays. So if you have the chance to shake off the holiday rush, and the opportunity to get out there, meet new people and a date comes your way, go for it. Always go for it. You likely spend a lot of time getting gifts for other people, so why not give yourself the gift of dating during the holidays. You deserve to be loved as much as anybody. Happy Holidays! This is a contributed post. Confidence is key to a successful date or relationship. If you’re unable to conquer your fears, then it’s likely that your date will be less successful than you hoped. But don’t worry! Boosting your confidence can be easier than you think. There are plenty of motivational tricks that you can employ that’ll help to give you that boost of confidence you need to leave a good impression on your date. Don’t Over Plan Your Date Don’t prepare for your date like it’s an exam. You need to appear natural and have conversation flow naturally. Do a bit of research on your date, such as any hobbies that he or she has, their favourite movies, etc. Use that as a starting point to begin a conversation and build on top of that. When there’s no natural way to extend that line of conversation, then just switch the topic. Never drone on about a subject for more than a couple of minutes. Keep your conversations interesting! For example, ask your date about the most recent show he or she watched. If they haven’t seen anything lately, then you could recommend a show that you like. Just don’t over do it and rant on for five minutes about how much you love it. But if they do mention something, then ask about it, be curious, and sound interested to know more. People want to converse with someone naturally. They don’t want to feel like they’re being interviewed, but they also don’t want to have a silent date either. If you need a bit of help, check out some of these pick up lines that really work to inject a bit of fun into your date. Looks Aren’t Everything It’s cliche to think that your appearance means everything. If you have the heart not to judge a book by its cover, then so will your date. You don’t want to tidy up your appearance for two hours before a date—that’s a bit over the top. Imagine if you go on a follow-up date, or you start seeing each other more often, will you spend two hours every day just to replicate that appearance? Some people might go to that length, but a lot of people can appreciate your “normal” look without all the makeup and well-groomed hair. Couples aren’t concerned about what their partner looks like in the morning when they wake up. It’s their normal appearance, and they appreciate each other for more than just looks. While you shouldn’t attend a date with ragged clothes and messy hair, you don’t need to invest loads of money into buffing up your appearance just for one day. Having the motivation to improve your appearance for the sake of your date is absolutely fine, just don’t go overboard—accept your appearance for what it is. Stay Positive and Relax
Don’t let bad thoughts get to you. Focus on the positive, such as how fun the date might be or how great it’ll be to meet someone new. It’s difficult to relax if you’re nervous, but that unease comes from all of the negative thoughts such as “what will I do if this goes wrong?”. Banish those thoughts from your mind. Take a deep breath before heading out the door for your date, and treat it like a normal trip out to visit a friend. Sure, you need to make a good first impression, but you can achieve that by acting natural and confident. |
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