Dear Frank,
I need advice!! In regards to men & porn. What is "right" and what is "too much"? I own the house we live in (2nd marriage for me) and he brought in porn from the start. I put my foot down, told him I didn't want it in the house. He shouldn't need/use it..he has me, a willing partner. So he does. Then 8 months later I find a ton of magazines in the garage. His response..."technically it wasn't in the house" - we fight again. All seems resolved. A year later, I find a ton of magazines hidden in the seat of his car. We go around and around again. Again, he says no more. Again, he lies. I detest porn. I detest him spending money on it when we need it for other things. I feel he is disrespecting me by lying & continuing with his habit. I tell him he has a problem...he tells me I am a prude. What do I do? I don't want to divorce over this....but I don't want to be disrespected in my own home either. HELP! Detests Porn, Dear Detest Porn, I see a couple of issues here. The first is whether or not the porn is a threat to the marriage or an aid. For some couples, porn is an aid, as it fills a need so that one or both partners do not stray and have affairs. For other couples, porn is a threat because it encourages one or both partners to seek out other people. Do not assume it is always men. Many women enjoy porn too. The question I have is, is porn an aid or a threat to your relationship. The next issue is the question of values. If porn is against your value system, why are you with someone that seeks it out? It is not about "should"...there is no "should". You have an intellectual construct about how a willing partner SHOULD be enough. It obviously is not the case for him. That is a reality you have to deal with. Did you discuss your values before you got married? Did you talk about porn being something at issue with you? When you did talk about it, were you presenting yourself as someone that can handle truth, or did you present the issues as "You better not ever bring that up!". It is not your fault you were lied to, but you do have to figure out if you present yourself as being able to handle a Frank discussion about topics you detest, otherwise you encourage people not to be honest with you. Finally some issues with this situation...you own the house you both live in...to my understanding, when you get married (I assume from your writings you are married) that the assets are shared. If this is wrong, correct me. If it is right, then it is his house too, and although you may detest porn, it is not illegal. The final question is how your INTERPRETATION of porn is different from his. You interpret porn as disrespecting you. It seems his interpretation of porn is something else. Part of this process is to figure out what exactly is the source of your interpretation of porn, and whether or not is an accurate one. You also have to consider what his interpretation of porn means to him. THAT is the beginning of figuring out if this is an issue that is an impasse to your relationship or not. -Frank, because I have to be
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COACHING PACKAGES WITH FRANK KERMIT
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I am a 52 yr. old female, divorced for almost 2 years. I have been dating a man whom I met on an Internet dating site since July 2011 (almost 1 year post-divorce). We spend almost every weekend together & are very involved in each others lives. Due to our work schedules, we are not able to see each other during the week, but he does make a point of calling me every evening. It was obvious right from the start that we had that proverbial chemistry. Our chat sessions became more & more intimate. After approximately 3 weeks of on-line chatting, he asked me for my phone number, which I eagerly gave him. He called me almost immediately. We spoke on the phone daily, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day, for sometimes 1 to 2 hours at a time. After about a week of phone calls, he invited me to his house for supper. I know I probably need my head examined for going to a man’s home that I hadn’t even met in person yet, but I accepted. His 10-year-old son would also be there, so I figured I couldn’t be in any danger. When I arrived at his home, there was an immediate physical attraction to each other & all evening, the sexual tension between us was palpable. We engaged in sexual intercourse that evening. I know, I know, I’m an idiot! I commented to him that I didn’t normally have sex on a first date & he commented that he wasn’t into one night stands, so I had better get used to being with him for a long time to come. During the first 2 months or so, we were like a couple of teenagers again; we couldn’t wait to be alone with each other. One weekend, shortly after our initial meeting, he invited me to his cottage. Let me repeat, I know, I know, I’m an idiot for going to a somewhat secluded place where there was nowhere for me to run if necessary, but I felt completely safe with him. Needless to say neither one of us spent any time outdoors that weekend. My problem is this: since the initial 2 months, the sex has stopped. We are sleeping in the same bed at his cottage every weekend, he will hold my hand when walking, kiss me, hug me, flirt, but actual intercourse, or anything more than a hug or kiss, has ceased. I have tried everything in the hopes of sparking his interest (flirting, sexy lingerie, back rubs), but to no avail. I have asked him if he no longer was attracted to me, if perhaps there was something I wasn’t doing to please him, or something I was doing that he didn’t like, etc. He replied that sex had never really been important to him & that it had absolutely nothing to do with me in particular. He said that he thought he felt that way because of the line of work he is in (he runs an x-rated theatre) because he only ever sees women being used as sex toys or being placed in degrading situations. I am totally confused. On one hand, he is still very attentive towards me, but I found out that he is still visiting, on a daily basis, the same dating site where we met. When I questioned him about it, he claimed he didn’t know how to delete his profile. I explained to him step-by-step how to delete it, but he said his page seemed to be different from mine & he couldn't see anywhere how to delete it. For a couple of days I accepted his excuse. But, the more I thought about it, the more I found his answer to be ridiculous. So, I created a fake profile & initiated a conversation with him. Posing as a rather good-looking woman, I pointedly asked him if he was currently involved with someone & his response was “no, he wasn’t”. I was astounded. Now, I don’t know what to do with this information. Why would he lie about his relationship with me? I am utterly confused. He still acts as if we’re in a serious relationship, doing everything a couple usually does together, refers to me as his girlfriend & keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce him to my father, but any physical intimacies have come to a complete halt. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Is he just using me until something better comes along? I would really appreciate your professional opinion. -Extremely Puzzled Dear E-Puzzled, My professional opinion is first and foremost to stop beating yourself up and calling yourself names. Calling yourself an idiot is a bad habit to get into. At best it will make you unattractive to potential good partners and at worst it will damage you on an emotional level. You did nothing wrong. You are a healthy woman who has human needs. Next, without being able to meet with you both as a couple, I can only form an opinion on what you wrote in your letter, so my scope could be limited. I do not know his relationship history, and I do not know your repeating behavior patterns from your past marriage. So, if we all did meet in person for a coaching session, I would be looking for such kinds of behavior patterns like if you tend to seek out emotional unavailable men, and if he has kept most of his relations with women limited to sexual interactions. As I see it, he may have a number of issues going on. He might be over your relationship, but does not have the courage to break up with you, so he is being passive aggressive hoping you will break up the relationship for him. He may have a fear of intimacy and when your initial relationship was merely sexual he had no problem performing, but now that it seems to have lasted beyond the romance phase, it is challenging him on an emotional level that he is not comfortable with. He could just be a jerk that leads women on because he values a “motherly” attention rather than sex, and tries to rope in as many lonely women into his circle as he can. Incidentally, to be clear, it is more probable it is not his job that caused him to have a fear of intimacy, but rather his fear of intimacy that led him to that job. Understand? With all that said, he is not the real issue in this case. You are, as you wrote the letter asking for advice. Your focus cannot be trying to understand why he is acting the way he is acting. Although understanding his motivations can be important, your primary focus must be on YOUR BOUNDARIES. You may never fully know why he acts the way he does, and quite frankly, who cares? What you are in control of is how you react to his actions. What are your relationship boundaries? For example if sex is important to you, and it is a boundary that you want sex at this stage of your life regularly in your relationships, then it is up to you to communicate that (which you already have) and if he still does not open up or attempt to accommodate you, then leave and find another partner. For example, let’s say the issue is that he suffers from impotence and was using some kind of medical aid to function sexually at that time…this is something he would need to open up about and be honest with you when reaching the boyfriend/girlfriend stage (he publicly acknowledges you as his girlfriend). What are your boundaries about his needing medication or sex not being important? Your boundaries are the deal breakers of what you will and will not tolerate. They have nothing to do with whom you happen to be dating. Boundaries are all about you and your personal value system. This will include what your boundaries are regarding being lied to, being cheated on, and being sexually rejected. Your boundaries will surely require you to address the issue of your new boyfriend keeping his online dating profile up. (Are you actually telling me that neither of you knows someone that is technical savvy enough to help take down the profile or that you could not have done it for him when next over at his place? Com’on) I think your instincts are correct about this guy. I would encourage you to learn to trust yourself more. You are not the idiot you claim to be. You know what you need to do. -Frank Swinger Beginners: Keep it Out of the Work Place
By Frank Kermit Dear Frank, My husband and I recently returned from a business trip/vacation where a few of my husband's co-workers also brought their wives. We really hit it off with one of the other couples - where towards the end of the week, it was flirtatious between the other husband and I - at which point I was more aware of actions and comments that could be indicators of testing the waters for other interests. Although my husband and I have discussed it (the possibility of experiencing swinging together), neither of us have participated in swinging - so our experience and exposure is nil. Are there "pick up lines", or the like, that are indicators? I don't want to jeopardize the relationship with this couple by approaching the subject directly, if I'm reading more into it. One of the nights, all of our coats ended up in our hotel room for the four of us to get together after we left the hotel bar for the night. During one of the evening conversations, mostly out of the blue, the wife asked me if I had seen a movie where two neighbors had switched houses - husbands - and one had been accused of the murder of one of the wives. Thanks in advance JC Dear JC, When transitioning from monogamy to any form of non-monogamy (or the reverse for that matter of going from non-monogamy to monogamy), the first basic rule is the same. You go SLOW. Take your time before altering the relationship structure that you have been accustom too. So it is good that you held off from taking any actions with this couple that could potentially turn your friendship with them sour. With that said, I am going to advise not to pursue anything with this couple, even if the couple is interested in swinging with you and your husband. Regardless of anything else you have written, it sounds to me that the other woman’s husband and your husband are co-workers. There are some employers that have policies regarding employees getting involved in any sort of romantic relationships including recreational sex. When co-workers have sex or date it can be a complicated affair, even when things work out leading a serious relationship. When you throw swinging into the mix, it is even more complicated. Depending on how the employment agreement is worded and the scope of what the company feels might be employees getting too involved with each other, it is possible that your husbands could lose their jobs, and also depending on the area of the North America in which you live, the stigma with being associated with the swinger lifestyle could even cost each of them a career. Bottom-line is that if you are looking for some first time experience with non-monogamy, co-workers are strictly off limits. With all that said, I am not so sure that the couple you describe are swingers. In fact the out-of-the-blue comment made by the wife of the other couple strikes me more of a red flag as I get the impression that she might have been trying to give you a warning to back off. If the wife was really interested in trying to probe you to see how open you and your husband are towards the swinger lifestyle, there are a number of other popular culture medias she could have referred too. Media programs like Big Love and Sister Wives (polygamy), Bob & Carol& Ted & Alice (movie on wife swapping), When Two Won’t Do (documentary on open relationships) and even various episodes of the different Star Trek shows that talk about alien societies that function on principles of non-monogamy. The wife in your situation chose the movie entitled Consenting Adults about a supposed couple swap that lands one of the wives murdered. I don’t think that someone who was interested in swapping husbands with you would use that particular movie to initiate a move towards that goal. My feeling is that the wife picked up on the fact that her husband and you were getting along a little too well, and rather than turn a work-related function sour by making a sense, she sent you a subtle message threatening you to stay away from her husband even if her husband found you attractive. Swingers clubs often have information nights for newbie couples to come in and get a lecture about how swinging works, where and how to meet new couples, and the nuances of the unique etiquette of how swinger couples interact at a swingers club. Check to see if the swinger clubs closest to you offer any. Do a lot more research before you jump in as swinging will never make a bad marriage better, and rushing in could ruin what you already have with your husband. There are some swingers dating websites that will have some informative resources for you to explore. The ones that I would recommend are the long established http://www.trystmag.com/ based in Canada, and http://venuscouples.com/ which is a swinger site aimed at women that is completely pornography free. -Frank (Dear Readers. I wrote this article for a local newspaper a few years ago, when a friend of mine on Facebook was trying to help a friend of hers (the father mentioned in the article) get some media attention for a situation that occurred with his son. I was very disturbed by the story I heard and wrote the article and submitted it to the local newspaper. This article, once online, went viral as the parents attempted to share it with everyone they could, and it got other media in the city interested in covering the story. I was happy to have helped this family. -Frank) Every Parent’s Nightmare Just Happened Boucherville Quebec Originally published in September 2012, updated April 20, 2018 Every parent’s nightmare is that the individuals and organizations that we entrust the safety and protection of our children will fail us. Every morning millions of parents send their young children to school hoping that today is not the day that their kids become a news story or marked statistic. Unfortunately for parents Alain and Anik Doucet, their son Justin had such a day. According to Allain Doucet, on Monday September 9, 2013, his son Justin was riding the school bus home from his first day of grade 2. Justin was the last child on the route to be taken home. About a 15-minute walk from Justin’s home, the driver stopped the bus. Justin told the driver that this is not where he lives. The driver told Justin, that he refused to drive any further along and that Justin was big enough to go find his own house. Justin…is only 7 years old. Justin never walked home alone from anywhere his entire short life. After the driver abandoned Justin, Justin started walking as quickly as he could in the wrong direction for about 5 minutes, got lost, and started crying. It was by SHEER LUCK that Doucet’s cousin France Mousseau, who happened to be driving home from Costco, saw and recognized Justin. At first Mousseau did not suspect any problem, but when she did not see Justin’s parent’s car, and realized he was in fact alone, she turned her car around to go get him. Mousseau finally caught up with Justin and asked him what happened. At this point Justin was trembling as Mousseau picked him up, and took the boy home to his parents who were still waiting for the school bus to arrive in their driveway. It was 4:15 pm by the time Justin was returned to his parents. The School day end at 3:35 pm and a direct drive over to Justin’s home is only 11 minutes long. On the morning of Tuesday September 10, 2013, both parents drove Justin back to Pere Marquette Ecole elementary, and went to talk with the principal of the school. This principal called the commission scolaire des patriotes school board to help remedy the situation. After the Doucet’s returned home, the principle called them to confirm the driver had been suspended over the incident. When Doucet asked how long the driver was suspended for, or if he would still be employed and be assigned to a different route, or if he was going to get fired, the principal was unable to answer these questions. The principal was only told that the driver was suspended. After speaking with the principal, Doucet then called the school board directly and asked for a letter to confirm what was going to happen with the driver. The person from the school board told Doucet that such a letter would only be issued for the internal files of the school board, but that such a letter would not be sent to the parents. What makes this story even more distressing is that this is the SECOND time something like this has happened to the Doucet family. Last year, on Justin’s first day of Grade 1, the school bus completely passed by the Doucet house where Justin’s mother Anik Doucet was waiting to greet him. She had to get in her car, and follow the bus for a full ten minutes trying to flag down the driver as Justin tried to tell the driver that he missed his stop. The driver ignored Justin, to the point where Anik had to finally cut off the bus with her car. According to Anik, the chase lasted 10 minutes. There is no confirmation if this was the same driver or not. Each year, due to the traveling work obligations of his parents, Justin starts riding the school bus each year on the first Monday after Labor Day. Although the driver in this case may or may not have been informed about the extra stop on his route, that does not excuse abandoning a 7 year old in your care on the street, says Anik. One can only imagine what could have happened to Justin if fortune had not been on the side of the Doucet family in the form of Guardian Angel France Mousseau. Justin could have gotten lost, hurt, been hit by a car, kidnapped or worse. Although most can agree that this is an absolutely unacceptable situation, the question that remains is: who should answer for this neglectful abandonment of a 7 year old? If Justin had died or been murdered as a result of this incident, there surely would be much more commotion. Does our system need to have a child die before more serious actions are taken to ensure a certain level of competence and caring on the part of the bus drivers? “Driving a bus, is not just driving a bus, you have the life of our children in your hands. This driver should not be a school bus driver again” says Doucet. Handling The Truth About Relationships Is All About Handling The Truth About Human Beings By Frank Kermit Originally published July 19, 2018, updated April 20, 2018 When someone asks to learn the single most important thing that I can think of that would ensure they have the best chance of making long term relationships succeed, time and again, when going through the practice of relationship coaching, that single most important element that keeps coming up is: A Persons Ability To Handle Truth. The willingness to listen to the truth about your relationship situation and handling the truth in a mature and reasonable manner can be the key difference between a long term marriage-‘til-death-do-you-part or a quickie-divorce. It is that key. Frank's Rule of Honesty is that people will only tend to be as honest with you as much as you give the image of what you can handle. If you present yourself as someone that will not be able to handle the truth, or you have a reputation of freaking out when you hear a truth that you do not like, it is pretty well guaranteed that you have taught the people around you that it is in their best interest, and yours, for them to lie to you when they can. During my own personal development, something that I learned when I wanted to encourage honesty from others is that I taught myself how to handle truth. Meaning, that regardless of how bad the news, I would hold off acting on any emotion until I could be alone later. So when I get told really shocking news, I do withdraw, but I do not act out and explode. This has been KEY in getting people to talk to me with their truths. I don't promise not to get mad, I just promise not to act on that anger right away. I control the behavior, not the emotion. It has strengthened my connections with others. Succeeding at making long term relationships work can depend greatly on being the kind of person that people felt they could be completely honest about regarding their secrets, their vulnerabilities and their sexual histories. If you can make people feel that safe with you, then you will always be in a position to know the truth of your relationship situation, and that is what puts you in control of being able to manage your relationships, and the potential threats to it. You can never allow yourself to be in the position to fear truth. When it comes to the truth about your relationship, you simply must learn to handle things that you likely would rather not want to hear. For example, a truth in relationships that most people would rather not acknowledge is that even if you are happily involved with someone in a serious and exclusive relationship, you are STILL going to be attracted to other people. It has NOTHING to do with how much the partners love each other. It has nothing to do with how the partners treat one another. It only has to do with basic sexual orientation. If a person had the capacity to feel attracted to and/or fall in love with a human being once, they will likely do so again and again, no matter what they have committed too. To be clear, we are talking about how you do not control how you feel (attraction for another person that is not your partner) which is a completely separate issue from acting on that attraction if you have made a commitment not to act on them. Now, let’s take that example and see what is the real dangerous. Some people feel that expressing to your partner that you are attracted to another person is a direct threat to that relationship. Actually, it is not. It is just a truth about your relationship. The FEAR of expressing yourself to your partner, or the fear of your partner expressing a truth to you, is the real threat to your relationship. It is those couples that understand that knowing the truth, no matter how much it can ding the ego, is always the best means of helping to preserve the relationship, that have the best chance of lasting through the rough times together. Relationship Skills Mastery, at its core, is the embracement of the full truth about your partner and yourself. Relationships based on intellectual constructs and ideals, which prevent couples from being completely honest with each other about how they are feeling, is the real danger. It is in those omissions of truth that the cracks in the foundations of the trust that is the basis of a relationship may start the tower of love to crumble. Although many people claim they want a partner who will be honest, a number of those same people simply cannot handle a partner being honest. (How often do you actually tell a partner if that outfit makes them look fat?). Don't ask for the truth if you cannot handle it. If you really want honesty, be strong enough to take it. This is the real world. There is no having it both ways. If you ask for honesty but you react out of control, like you cannot handle honesty well, you are going to train everyone to start lying to you. Sorry, but you need to keep things in perspective. If you are losing yourself in your rage, you will destroy everything you love. Frank Kermit
Choosing The Right Partner Is 50% of Your Relationship Success Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit Even at your best, you are still only 50% of the relationship. That means that no matter how great a person you are, and no matter how amazing your relationship skills are, you are still only 50% responsible for the relationship success you have. However, when I coach singles and couples, who claim that the other person must then make up the other 50%, I correct them and tell them that it isn’t necessarily the other person that guarantees relationship success…it is if the first person’s ability to chose the right partner for them. Confused yet? Yeah, me too sometimes (and I am the one that came up with these original theories!) Sometimes people assume that if they just “become better”, or work harder on themselves, or become more attractive, that everything in their current relationships will work out. Although this could make some sense depending on the context it is important to understand that no amount of self-help, new social skills, or personal development will ever adequately make up for a relationship partner that is not the right partner for you. For example, let’s say that you are a stanch monogamist, and your partner constantly commits acts of lying and infidelity. The solution to such a fundamental problem is not about the first person become “better”, more understanding, or learning advanced relationship skills in order to fix the relationship by trying to make up for the lack of relational commitment by the other partner. The only solution to that dynamic is for the first person to end the relationship and choose a new future partner that is compatible with your boundaries and emotional needs. We do not choose who we love. However, we do choose who we date and form intimacy with. You will feel a variety of attraction, attachment and emotions for different people in your life. That does not mean that just because you feel “something” that you necessarily have to commit to someone that is not right for you nor even act in a manner that keeps you going back to your ex partner. By the same token, if you have a challenge with feeling anything for someone that would be great for you, that is not a sign that your potential ideal partner is wrong for you…as much as it is likely a sign that you need to re-tweak your own “attraction mechanism”. If the only people that you are turned on by to date are people that you cannot form an emotionally healthy relationship with that is your red flag; a sign that you need to work on the source of why you end up only seeking out people that you cannot build a future with. If you are the type of person that continually learns new communication skills, reads every relationship book that comes out, buys the latest better-sex product, and study the topic of love to no end…but you do not cultivate your capacity to choose your realistic potential life partner, then your eventual relationship success will be zero. The best relationship skills with the wrong partner will never be better than basic average relationship skills with the right partner. Frank Kermit
The Attraction Theory Originally published July 18, 2018, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit There is an attraction theory that states, "How you do one thing, is representative of how you do all other things." Although this particular theory is not realistic and cannot be applied across the board in any tangible and measureable way, it does have some merit when it comes to the Emotional Interpretations. Basically, the theory claims that if you are looking for signs as to what kind of partner someone would be for you in a relationship, look at how a person conducts him or her self, to give you an idea, of what kind of partner someone would make. On some level, this does make sense, as people generally are their repeating behavior patterns. Someone whose repeating behavior pattern is to lie, lie and lie some more, may be very incapable of being honest with anyone, including the people he or she dates. On the other hand, the theory that how you do one thing represents how you do all things is not correct when it comes to all things. How someone acts in one context may be very specific to that context. Just because someone puts in the time to take care of her health, does not mean she will put time into taking care of her family connections. Just because someone makes the extra effort at his job, does not mean they will be able to put in that same effort in managing his own business. In both those examples, there could be extraneous circumstances to explain how one behavior does not represent a predictable behavior in another context. For example, the woman in the above example may be overly preoccupied with her appearance such that she focuses on her own health and beauty, and does not focus on the emotional fulfillment of her family, and the man in the example works hard because he responds to authority checking up on him, but would not be assertive for himself if no one is there to scold him for being less pro-active. However, when it comes to dating, many people look for those “signs” that someone is meant to be your best potential soul mate. They look at status symbols that may include education level, wealth, social connections, and even wearing white after Labor Day, none of which is a direct indicator of how well someone treats a partner in a relationship. Those “signs” can serve as indicators of some kind of significance, but if you really want to safeguard yourself from being mislead by “signs”, then remember this one point: How someone treats you must be your most important criteria. If you plan to have children, or already have children, then your most important criteria should also include an analysis of what kind of parent someone would be. Frank Kermit
The Frank Law of Attraction Originally published July 18, 2016, updated April 20, 2018 By Frank Kermit The Frank Law of Attraction is based on one single premise: What you do to get the person must be the same thing as what you do to keep the person. Most attraction tactics focus on getting someone to like you, however they do not focus on keeping that person around. That is the paradox of most pick up strategies as those routines focus on getting someone immediately turned on; but has no substance to keep any serious long term relationship alive. Here are some of the talks that come up with men and women in my coaching sessions when perpetually single people come in and want to figure out why they cannot find someone that wants to commit to him or her long term, despite the fact they have less trouble finding short term volunteers. If you do not want her to leave when the money runs out, then do not use money as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when your breasts start to sag, then do not use your breasts as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when the adventure of traveling must be replaced by settling down to manage your responsibilities, then do not use adventures of traveling as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when the sex ends, then do not use sex as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when your buff body suffers life altering health problems, then do not use your buff body as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when the lies get found out, then do not use lies as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when she discovers you have no intention of being monogamous, then do not use the promise of monogamy as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when youthful beauty fades, then do not use your youthful beauty as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when you can no longer afford lavish gifts, then do not use lavish gifts as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when you stop supporting his drug habit, then do not use enabling his habit as your primary means of attracting him. If you do not want her to leave when you demand that she stop flirting with every man she knows, then do not use admiration of her flirtatious nature as your primary means of attracting her. If you do not want him to leave when you admit that you do not want to have kids, then do not use the promise of a family as your primary means of attracting him. Whatever you plan to use to keep the person with you long term, needs to be the very elements that you must use to attract the person. These include your common values, your similar life plans and goals, and your personality and ability to connect. Frank Kermit
The Pregnancy Test Scam - But is it Real?
By Frank Kermit There is a disturbing trend that seems to be happening that involves pregnant women supplementing their income by selling positive pregnancy tests online to women who want to use the pregnancy testing device with a positive marking to possibly con their boyfriends or male lovers into proposing marriage. At least that is what the ads claim could happen. An ad on Craigslist claims that the expectant mother, "is selling used testing sticks for $25 each, saying she's been asked so many times, she had decided to start charging." In my own search I also found one on ebay with a listing description of: "Clear & simple brand positive pregnancy test. Done on day of postage. Good for a prank." Is this what it has really come too? Unable to empower herself into a committed relationship, and despite having the full freedom of choice to move on and find a new partner when the one she is with refuses to step up and take their relationship to the next level, that there are women who would rather stay with a man that continually rejects her such that she has to attempt to scam him into getting serious? I wonder at what point will the women, who are successful in getting a proposal with this ruse, turn around and realize they will have to keep the lie going? For example, to what lengths will she go to fake a miscarriage? Will she then try extra hard to get pregnant for real right after the proposal and fake being overdue the 40 week gestational period (assuming she gets pregnant at all)? Is this even something seriously considered by some women? If not, then what is the market that has such a high demand for these positive pregnancy tests (besides an entire audience that wants to prank their loved ones)? Mind you, when I see the number of women in my practice who waste years of their lives, as time runs out on their biological clocks, waiting for their male lovers and boyfriends to "change his mind", I have to believe it is more likely than not. At least these women are not "accidentally" forgetting to take their birth control pills as a means to get what they want (a pregnancy their male partners did not consent too). To the ladies that are actually buying the positive pregnancy tests as a means to trick your male sex partners into a proposal; if nothing else, consider this: When your boyfriend or male lover is not as interested in committing to you the way you would want him to commit, the best choice is to stop seeing him and find a man that wants to be with you. Trying to change the man you are with, or worse, having to scam him into that kind of commitment, will land you alone. If the truth of what you did coming out does not bring about your abandonment, then surely the repeating behavior pattern that this scam reflects will be your downfall. Frank Kermit |
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