Secret Past! Does He Need To Know About Her Sex Tapes?
Q&A: Question and Answers

Dear Frank,

For almost 4 years I was involved with a man and we participated in BDSM.  He was my master, and I his submissive.  We had a very documented love life (he loved to record everything) especially when we played with others; more like when he let a number of others play with me.  Anyways, that was a long time ago.  I now live with my fiancé and he knows nothing about my past.  He knows that I had one major relationship but does not know anything about the group sex, the BDSM or the videos.  I ended up with most of those videos and photos I think, but not all (my Master still has a few).  Also, I was blindfolded most of the time during group play, and although my master assures me that no one was was recording anything, there were times when it happened. I live with the secret fear that my fiancé might find my box of tapes and pictures and stuff. He is way conservative and would not understand.  Can you suggest any place that I might store this so that he will come across it at home?
-Submissive Sindy

 
Dear Sindy

I knew a woman once that was in a similar situation.  She was a swinger with her ex, and had exactly the same situation with videos and pictures, afraid that her husband would find them.  She ended up giving her collection to a male friend of hers to hold on to so that she could get it back anytime she wanted, but it was not where her husband could get to it.  Ironically, life being what it is, her and and the male friend have lost touch, and now she doesn't even have access to her videos and photos. 

You have a very simple, but difficult, choice to make.

If you are certain he would not marry you if he knew your past, end the engagement immediately. If he wouldn't marry you if he knew your past, do not marry him. A Broken Engagement is Better Than A Happy Divorce!

​Also as you mentioned in your question, you were blindfolded most of the time, and thus there are chances that there are videos and photos of you out there in the hands of people you do not even know.  In fact, they might already be on the Internet as you have no control over what your ex (or others from the group activities) will do.

Bottom line is that, you cannot build a life with your new fiancé with this threat constantly hanging over you. 

 
In the meanwhile, there are storage companies available (with the note that unless they are packaged and sealed, even the people storing them could view them.   Make sure the photos and videos are labeled inconspicuously.  There is always the option of destroying the material (burning would be best as you can not guarantee where just tossing them in the trash will land them).

I would not suggest giving them to any of your friends.  Friendships come and go, and you might lose touch with them and not be able to retrieve your momenteos (just like the lady from swinger culture I mentioned earlier).

In this case, honesty really is your best policy if you want to build a solid foundation for a marriage. If this marriage could not handle honesty, it is not the marriage for you.  Also, if you desire to ever explore this fetish and lifestyle  again in the future, putting yourself in a marriage that could not allow it, would be a mistake.

-Frank Kermit


It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

P.S.  Do you Agree With This Article?  Disagree?  Have something to Add?

Write your thoughts in the comments below and SHARE this article to see how many of your friends think like you.​
​

Compatible Financial Values in Relationships
By Frank Kermit
 
There are different ways that a person can show they love their families.

Not everyone feels comfortable verbally expressing feelings. 

It is important for families to be aware that expressing love has many forms. Some people use words, some offer gifts, some show their love by staying up late at night perched at the window waiting for you to come home. One of the ways that people may express their love for one another is how they manage their finances towards their future relationship goals.


When I coach couples about to get married or who have the intent of become life partners, one of the areas I cover with them is the exploration of their compatible values, including their financial vales.


It is important that couples who are planning to build a future together, which may include planning to have children together (or coming to terms with how they will jointly raise any existing children from previous relationships) also talk about financial planning for their futures as well.


Planning to have children together? I get the couple to talk about a possible education fund, or the possibility of a trust fund. Some couples feel that it is a good idea, while others might feel that it is best to let their children earn and pay for their own education after high school.


Not everyone has the same financial value system, and it is important to know if the person you want to build a future with has similar financial values than you do.


Some people make home ownership a goal and thus make saving for a down payment very important, while others prefer to rent as a means of supporting the interests of their lifestyle.


Again, the issue is not about which set of values are appropriate or inappropriate, but whether you and your future life partner have similar and compatible financial values. 


A fun game I have couples play together is the 5 Million-Dollar Question.  I discuss this conversational game and more in my Ebook: 101 GREAT FIRST DATES - WHAT TO SAY EBOOK

I ask each individual in a couple to write down what they would do with their first million, their second million, their third million, their fourth million and their fifth million. The money could be from an earned income, a lottery win, an inheritance…that part does not matter.

What is key is that each person must write what he or she would do with the money as it came in, IN THE ORDER they would allocate the money.

The point of this game is to find out if the couples are financially compatible with their financial values.


A person who’s first plan for the incoming first million is to quit their job and go on an unplanned trip around the world (buying clothes and other necessities as needed) has a very different value system than the person who would first immediately pay off all debts. Again, this is not to judge the financial values of every person. It is about exploring if the person you plan to build a future with has similar and compatible financial values.


One thing is for certain.

The effects of incompatible financial values on the future of a relationship is no game at all.


It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

P.S.  Do you Agree With This Article?  Disagree?  Have something to Add?

Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.

Remembering Arthur Anderson 1922-2016

During the weekend of St-Patrick's Day, my mind wanders off to all things green and Irish.

Growing up, Saturday morning cartoons were only bested by Saturday morning cartoon characters from cereal commercials. 

That is where the Character "Lucky The Leprechaun" mascot of the Lucky Charms Cereal would present his adventures of trying to run and hide from kids (the Lucky Charms Gang) who were after his cereal.

Lucky Charms is a brand of cereal produced by the General Mills food company since 1964. The cereal consists of toasted oat pieces and multicolour marshmallow shapes ("marbits" or marshmallow bits). Lucky Charms was created in 1962 by John Holahan
​

The marshmallows are meant to represent Lucky's magical charms, each with their own special meaning or "power." The following are explanations of the permanent marshmallows:[12]

1. Hearts - power to bring things to life
2. Shooting Stars - power to fly
3. Horseshoes - power to speed things up
4. Clovers - luck, but you will never know what kind of luck you'll get
5. Blue Moons - power of invisibility
6. Rainbows - instantaneous travel from place to place
7. Balloons - power to make things float
8. Hourglass - power to control time

Arthur Anderson, starting working in 1963 as the voice of the General Mills Lucky Charms mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, continuing the character for 29 years even though he is not Irish. In 2005, he recalled:
​
People have expectations. I just have an Irish-sounding name. I have reason to celebrate. I had the luck of the Irish to get that part. I never got free cereal, but they gave me lots of green money. And it was a fun character to play. Hardly a day goes by when somebody doesn't ask me to sing the Lucky Charms jingle, and I'm proud of that

Born Arthur John Miles Anderson on August 29, 1922 in Staten Island, New York and Died April 9, 2016 (aged 93) in Manhattan, New York City.

As a kid that always felt sorry that Lucky was always on the run (after all, the other kids were ALWAYS trying to STEAL his lucky charms), I want to thank you for leading your voice to such an iconic character trademark that made a mark on my childhood.

THANK YOU ARTHUR ANDERSON and Good bye.
​

Burlesque is a poetic and sensual means of entertainment that typically includes striptease and comedy, generally performed in cabarets, theaters and clubs. As with music, each performance has a style, an emotion and a story of its own!

Burlesque, the title was originally founded in Europe in the early 1600’s: as a form of satire that was expressed in manuscripts. It was later picked up in theatrical works all through the 17th century until the Victorian era and then became widely popular in the 1860s to the 1940s, notably in Hollywood film between the 1930s and 1960s. 
Burlesque entertainment can be interpreted as ridicule, extravagant, sexy and daunting.

Every year, for the past twelve years, we have reinvented ourselves to offer the absolute best in burlesque because deep down inside, we believe that nothing is sexier than feeling at ease with ourselves, surrounded by like-minded people who are comfortable with their sensuality.

And while our stunning performers set the perfect example for that: self-acceptance, freedom and wild abandon, you are all invited to join our movement.

Don’t just watch Burlesque. BE Burlesque!
 

There is More To Dating and Finding Love Than Just “Getting Lucky”
by Frank Kermit 
 
​
As a coach I often hear people who sign up for coaching,

talk about how unlucky they are at love.

However, when that talk starts up, I often ask my coaching clients, if you were too consider that your love life is not a result of bad luck, but bad choices you made over the years, how would that change things for you?
 

The results are really powerful.

 
You go from feeling helpless and acted upon,
to feeling empowered and in control of your situation.
 

One of the writing exercises that I have in my coaching workbooks I’m a Man, That’s my Job Workbook for Men, and I’m a Woman, It’s My Time Workbook for Women is a Timeline exercise called, “The First Mistake”.
 

The Point of this timeline is help you realize where you made your original first mistake that brought you to where you are right now.  You will be surprised to learn that your first mistake with your most recent break up, heart ache or divorce did not even likely happen with the person you were most recently involved with.
 

In fact, your current situation is more likely a result of various repeating behavior patterns that you followed through on, that started way before you met the person that ruined your life. 

 
Let me explain a little.
 
Let’s say you are dealing with a nasty divorce spending lots of money on courts and lawyers. 

• How did you get into this mess? 
• Was your first mistake that you did not commit to fixed what was wrong with your marriage before it was too late?
• Was your first mistake marrying the person you are now divorcing?
• Was your first mistake not dumping the person after the first 3 months of dating when you started to feel that this wasn’t your ideal match after spotting various red flags? 

 
It could be.


But in coaching, we DIG DEEPER.

 
Maybe your first mistake was dating the same kind of person time and time again, because you never learned to choose better partners prior to even meeting your ex-spouse.

In fact, you had gone through really intensely bad break ups before your divorce, and in coaching, we do an analysis to see if your relationships prior to the big one were one bad break up after another getting worse and worse until your current situation could be predictable…and everyone else saw it coming, except you.

 
Maybe your first mistake was that heart break you experience when you were in your teens, and instead of learning your lesson about better choosing more compatible candidates to date, you just accepted that this was the best you could hope to get, and that you wouldn’t be able to do better anyways. 

 
Your current love life is a reflection of a series of choices you made (or did not make) that brought you to this point on the line of time.

 
Finding love, getting a date, and having a successful long term relationship, has a lot less to do with luck and a lot more to do with your intent.

You have a choice.

You can either date hoping to get lucky to meet someone special, or you can STOP, set yourself up for relational success, and take a more frank approach to your love life.  

That is your power of choice. 

The power of choice ALWAYS comes with a condition:  You have to learn what to do with it, or you will end up more miserable trying to rely solely on luck. 

 
It is time to Take The Luck Out Of Love and sign up for Coaching.
 

P.S.  Do you Agree With This Article?  Disagree?  Have something to Add?

Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.

What To Do When You Like Someone
By Frank Kermit 
 
It happened.

Despite your efforts to stay alone and uncomplicated, it happened.

When you were not looking for it, you actually started to like someone.

You actually found someone that you like.


Now what?

 
When you like someone, the big question is always what do you do?

• Do you tell that person directly and see what happens?
• Do you try to get your friends involved in the match making process?
• Do you approach the target of your heart’s desire in a non-direct way, just to gauge that person’s interest?
• What if you do not know what signs to look for?
• What if, that person actually likes you back, but you are not socially aware enough to know?

 
Calibration is called for when you like someone and want to see about taking your interest a step further to see if the two of you can connect.

As I discuss in my THE ART OF CALIBRATION PROGRAM: FROM CREEPY TO CHARISMA EBOOK, There are a number of factors to consider such as:

• Do you work together (which may put you in a legal predicament if he or she does not return your feelings), or
• Do you see each other at the same social circles (which may make it awkward if either of you are not mature enough to handle it which I discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK), or
• Perhaps there is a friend connection that makes this a little more complicated (that person is the ex of one of your friends which I also discuss in depth how to handle in my HOW TO BUILD A SOCIAL CIRCLE NETWORK EBOOK).

 

There are TWO QUESTIONS to ask:

     1.  First question to ask is if there are any consequences of dating, or just asking out, this person

     2. The second question to ask is if you are willing to accept those potential consequences.


If you  can get a yes to that second question, then here are some tips.



When To Go DIRECT and When to be INDIRECT

 
Telling someone directly and right away works if the person you like already likes you back or is open-minded enough to give you a chance. If you do not know if that person likes you, you may want to take a more subtle approach.

The rule to follow is the longer you have known each other, the more indirect you should be.

If you just met the person, telling that person you like him or her enough to want to get to know them better is non-threatening and can actually be a welcome invitation. There is no friendship to risk.

​In those cases, it is just best to isolate that friend to a one-on-one activity and see about making a romantic move. Better to try to hold a hand, or lean in for a good night kiss to sexualize the context of the dynamic. If you get rejected, well at least you know and you tried.


Should You Ask Other Friends To Help You?

​Involving your friends from your social circles  has its pros and cons.

Usually, it is a bad idea, unless you have a solid friendship with someone that is socially clued in.

In the case of having a good friend that is a mutual friend of the target of your heart’s affection, you can enlist that person’s help by asking them to help you set a time for you all to meet and that friend can politely excuse him or her self from the activity.

A friend may also be able to give you information about whether or not that person is emotionally available. Again, make sure you are dealing with a solid friend and not someone that will inform you incorrectly. A friend that can actually work like a matchmaker may be in your best interest if that friend knows where the two of you are compatible.
 
With all that said, being very direct does have advantages.

You need not involve anyone else into your private love life and good or bad, you get an answer much quicker about where you stand.

Either way, the best thing you can do when you find you like someone is: 

​to take some kind of action listed above.

People tend to regret the things that they did not do, more so than the things that they did do.
 
Frank Kermit

​
P.S.  Do you Agree With This Article?  Disagree?  Have something to Add?

Write your thoughts in the comments below and share this article to see how many of your friends think like you.

People Pleasers Are Problem Daters
By Frank Kermit

 
At the heart of every great people pleaser is the best of intentions of wanting to be liked by the other person.


And that is why people pleasers, as nice as they are, are never fully trusted by the target of their affections.

 
When someone wants to please a person, that is OK, provided that the person feels the attention is earned.

The problem is that a people pleaser is too nice by nature.

People pleasers see themselves as being appropriate, while their dates feel a vibe of insincerity. In the minds of potential partners, no one is that nice, unless there have ulterior motives. In fact, that is the paradox of the people pleaser. They do not want the other person's money, resources, or even material possessions. All they want is to be liked
 
Because people pleasers want to be liked so badly, they allow themselves to be disrespected.

One of the principles I teach in my coaching workbooks for men and women, "I'm A Man, That's My Job" and "I'm a Woman, It's My Time" respectively is that to make any relationship work is that it MUST be more important to the person to want to be respected by your potential partner, instead of being liked.

If all you know how to do is to be liked, you will get ATTENTION, but you will struggle to find any long lasting and legitimate intimacy. No one loves a person that does not have his or her respect as well. People will like a people pleaser, but people will never fully respect nor trust a people pleaser. Without respect and trust, there can be no love. There can be like, even lust in some cases, but never a love that leads to commitment.
 
At the heart of a people pleaser, is fear:

1. The fear of confrontation,
2. the fear of being abandoned, and
3. the fear of being mean or insulting resulting in a LOSS    

That is why people pleasers lack boundaries.

Without proper boundaries, a people pleaser does not have to deal with any of that unpleasantness nor do they have to act in ways in which they might self identify with their own abusers who were mean or insulting to the pleaser.

Unfortunately, that repeating behavior pattern can only lead to attracting and being attracted to people that would continually take advantage of the people pleaser. 


A Possible Source of People Pleasing

The skill of people pleasing can, but not always, be sourced to emotionally abusive upbringings. Depending on the severity of the mental and emotional abuse, the people pleaser skill set is likely what allowed a number of children to survive unhealthy family environment where unpredictable adult temperament behaviors ran rampant.

A child learns to be a people pleaser in order to appease and maintain the peace with emotionally unhealthy adults. When that child grows up, they take those behavior patterns; they now associate to attachment, and get stuck in emotionally unhealthy relationships.

When a people pleaser is actually with someone that appreciate them without the unreasonable expectation of having to be pleased every step of the way, a people pleaser will often not be able to recognize that as an emotionally healthy dynamic and will often find themselves feeling empty.
 


The Pros of Being a People Pleaser

There are good qualities to being a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser is a great quality in the correct context. On the job, the characteristics of a great people pleaser make for excellent customer care service. Some of the most independent self-employed workers are amazing people pleasers. So are people who excel at being support staff.



People Pleasers And Love Life
 
But in romantic relationships, being a people pleaser will only net you the kinds of partners who are too insecure to manage a partner who understands how to prioritize the needs of the relationship, the needs of the partner and the needs of the people pleaser.

There is a difference between:

1. being a giving person and
2. being a people pleaser.

A giving person gives what they can without giving up so much, that they themselves end up sacrificing their own needs. For example, a student has an exam to study for the next day, and gets a call from her boyfriend to come over because he is feeling a little lonely. The giving person weighs the options of her own need to study, and her desire to keep her boyfriend happy. In the event that the boyfriends' request is not dire (they can see each other after her exam) and her own need for study is very important, a giving person would put her own needs in priority. It does not take away from her being a giving person; it just means she can acknowledge what is more important at the moment.

A people pleaser however, would want the approval of her boyfriend so badly, that she would jeopardize her exam, just because she wants to keep her boyfriend from being slightly upset. See the difference?
 
Why does it not work in relationships? Let's say you are on a date, and your date asks you a common date question, such as:

• why did you chose your current profession?
• what is your favorite meal?
• are you looking to try and have sex with me tonight?

 
A people pleaser will ONLY give the answers that they think the other person WANTS to hear but not the answer they would actually want to give.

This leads to unrealistic expectations on both parts. The people pleaser expects that EVERYONE behaves like a people pleaser, and thus does not factor in how misleading they are actually being on a first date. The potential partner, who is unaware of the people pleasing behavior pattern, takes what is being communicated at face value...only to discover at a later time, the person they are dating is not what they thought.
 

It does not stop there.

People pleaser will please others to the point of feeling anger and resentment for doing things they initially agreed to do, because they feel they cannot say no.

Eventually, the pleasers...EXPLODE!

Partners get the brunt of the explosion, and end up feeling resentful too, because they are not mind readers. And rightly so, however part of being a surviving people pleaser is the anticipation of the dysfunctional emotional cues of the adults they grew up with. The biggest mistake that people pleasers make is the assumption that everyone had to survive childhood acting a like a people pleaser.


Don't Be a Sheep!
 
To simplify why people pleasers do not generate trust in relationships, here is a symbolic analogy: people pleasers are just like sheep. You can trust a Shepherd to be a good Shepherd as long as there is a value for value relationship going on (respect). You can trust a wolf to be a wolf, because you can acknowledge the good and bad in a wolf, and the wolf never tries to be anything other than a wolf (trust). But you can never trust a sheep.

So the next time you are on a date, and you end up in a situation where you need to communicate and or enforce a boundary, and you have a choice to make:


Speak your mind and do not be a sheep

This is a guest post.

Part I

I am 43 years old, married to a great man, have a really good job at a medical company and I have three beautiful daughters aged 8, 11 and 15.  I grew up in the suburbs, was a good girl and went to a top school and graduated with a great education.  So why would I be a pole dancer?  I mean isn’t that like a stripper?  The answer is simple but still complex; yes it is and no it’s not. 
 
Let me start at the beginning.  I decided to go to a class because I really like dancing and I was a stay at home mom who felt like the walls were closing in on me.  I couldn’t really find a dance class that seemed right for me and I signed up for a six week session thinking it was a very limited commitment.  I was very nervous and told no one what I was doing.  It was a small class and we worked on building strength in our arms, so let me tell you we women do not work on this!  Holding myself up for 5 seconds was an impossible task and I could never imagine doing a whole song.  After that we would work on a trick or a move and I loved it.  It was gymnastics for adults with dance moves to tie it all together.  It was so much fun.  We women would go, laugh at ourselves because the attempts to get these moves can be pretty hilarious and we would get some exercise.  Let me say a word about the exercise part.  I never, ever felt like I was working out.  I was going to class just to have fun but suddenly my body transformed.  I built beautiful shoulders, muscled back and arms and eventually even started getting some pretty decent abs.  That’s how it started, my little class where I laughed and got fit and danced.  I loved it, but it’s pole dancing….
 
Telling people you are a pole dancer is very interesting.   There’s a very definite reaction.  It’s not like telling someone you teach yoga.   They try to be cool and supportive and you get a lot of people saying ‘cool … umm that looks hard’.  This is usually where I respond ‘it is!’ and start telling people how hard it is and the core strength one needs and how hard we all train.   I want to say for the record pole fitness/dancing is as much a sport and fitness endeavor as anything out there.  We all cross train and work extremely hard to master the moves and tricks.  At the end of the day, this is gymnastics.  We suffer broken bones, concussions and bruises, Oh the bruises!  The horrified looks you get when people see the bruises when you’re training for a competition are amazing.  The next time you see a woman wearing long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer she may just be a pole dancer.  Pole dancers work on muscle building, coordination, flexibility and balance.  A lot goes into these routines.  There’s performance, musicality, costume and creative concept as well as defying gravity with strength and skill.  We also have to make it look easy.  No judge wants to see you gasping for breath at the end of your routine.  So why would you not think this is a sport?  The Canadian Pole Fitness Association (CPFA) holds regular competitions that have required elements for every level.  There are strict guidelines about costume and what can and can’t be done.  The women and men that compete are athletes plain and simple.  Several pole organizations are making great strides in getting the IOC to recognize pole as an Olympic sport.

There’s always one thing that hangs over our heads though…it’s a pole.  Strippers use them.  The routines can be sexy and typically there are barely any clothes worn.  Let me set the record straight pole requires skin contact on the pole to hold yourself, otherwise you slip.  If you plan to take your hands off the pole then the clothes will become smaller.  There’s no difference than wearing a bathing suit or a gymnastic leotard.   Sexy is a much harder thing to address.  In the beginning I would always say that dancing and expressing yourself in that way leads to body movement than can beautiful and sexy.  Almost all dances have that element built into it, and pole dance is no different.  Does a person dancing the tango or the rumba carry the stigma of a pole dancer?  I still believe this wholeheartedly but I hate that when I say that I sound like I am trying to distance myself from women who dance in an erotic manner and even those who take off their clothes.   You can certainly be a pole dancer and really not at all relate to that world, but for all of us who so strip or are simply dipping our toe in it, then ‘HELL yes! Go for it girl!’ There’s nothing wrong with that but just because you pole dance it does not automatically mean you’re a stripper.  But for me the question is ‘what so wrong with stripping anyway?’

Making Monogamy Work: Monogamy Must Be Earned
By Frank Kermit

*This is an excerpt of my Ebook: FRANKTALKS VOLUME 3: MONOGAMY AND NON-MONOGAMY EDITION EBOOK
 

Monogamy can be easier than open relationships, because the rules are simpler but the application of the rules of monogamy is not as easy.
 
Monogamy works for monogamous people however:

the power of choice and the self entitlement of our current societal structure is making it more challenging for the chances that monogamous people have, of making their relationship structure work for them.
 

The Rules of Monogamy:
 
1-The first rule of monogamy is that you only have sex with one other person. The first rule of monogamy is very much what most people understand monogamy to mean. It is simple to understand. Most people assume it stops there, but it does not. The second rule, is even more important, and challenging, than the first rule.
 
2-The second rule of monogamy is that you never do anything that would even just potentially threaten rule #1.
 
And in those two rules chaos ensues for the wannabe monogamous couple that is not sure what a real threat to their monogamy is.
 

The chaos comes from not being sure what a potential threat is.

Now an obvious threat: someone is sexually interested in being with the person that you are monogamous with, or someone is sexually interested in being with you when you are in a monogamous relationship. That is a threat. What about a potential threat? Potential threat means you do not put yourself in a situation where the likelihood of temptation already exists.
 
The bottom line, when you are in a monogamous relationship, any time that you are out for social reasons and extra-curricular reasons with people that you are attracted to, who have already expressed a sexual interest in you, it is a potential threat to your relationship. At the very least, it is a potential threat to your monogamy.

 
As monogamists, you must figure out how you define a potential threat. Threats to the monogamy will not always be so obvious.

Some couples may feel that using sex toys  as “marital aids” help aid a challenge in the marriage  while other couples may view using sex toys  as a threat to their relationship. It is up to the couple to work things out, communicate and deal with their individual insecurities. BTW, you can learn more about using Sex Toys with a new lover in my Ebook  NOW WHAT? UNIQUE WAYS TO CATER TO HER SEXUAL E.N.A. EBOOK


There are going to be times when your partner is going to come up to you and say, "Listen, I do not want you hanging out with so-and-so anymore." Their reason is, "That person threatens our monogamy." They might not word it that way, but that is essentially what they are getting to. If you believe in the principle of monogamy, you have to listen to your partner's concern, and hopefully you can come to some sort of consensus as to what the best action is to take.  
 
I cannot tell you to completely eliminate all potential threats, because at that point, neither of you will be socializing with anybody. If you are not interacting with anyone, then that cannot be emotionally healthy either.




As I teach it, you do not kill what you are trying to protect. Just as you must have realistic expectations of the relationships structure you get into, you must you have realistic perspectives on the potential threats to your monogamy.
 

When it comes to potential threats to your monogamy, you must never be afraid to express to your partner that you see a potential threat to the monogamy of your relationship. Never be afraid to say, "That person that you are hanging out with wants to have sex with you."
 

As monogamists, you must be ever so aware of the potential threats to your monogamy. Yes, you are going to be accused of being jealous, and yes, you are going to accused of being insecure, and yes, you might even be accused of not trusting your partner.
​

So what?


I personally feel that I would rather be accused of all those things and do what is necessary to project the monogamy of my relationship, when our intent is to be monogamous. I personally feel that a monogamist person has every right to do what it takes to protect the monogamy of their relationships. To what degree you see a potential threat is up to you. Keep in mind that no one is going to care about the importance of your monogamy in your relationship as much as you and (hopefully) your partner do.
 
Monogamy is a work in progress, it is not a given, and can not be taken for granted One of my principles of monogamy is that Monogamy Must Be Earned. Part of the reason that monogamy must be earned is that you want to make sure you know what you want, and that you are sure that the person you are choosing is capable of giving it to you.

 
A very big point here is that monogamy is a lifestyle.


As I teach it in my 4 hours audio program lecture,  MAKING MONOGAMY WORK - WHEN ONE IS ALL YOU NEED AUDIO   you do not make the mistake of thinking that monogamy is just a relationship structure; think of it as a lifestyle because it permeates a lot of the decisions that you are going to make. Being monogamous means that you might even make a change in the type of profession that you choose.
 
For example, one of the reasons that some people become unfaithful, even thought they entered a monogamous relationship with the best of intentions, but down the road they become unfaithful, is because one of the people in the monogamous relationships, or both of them, are in professions where they are working anywhere form 12 to 14 hours a day apart from each other. They just do not have the time to spend together. Over the course of year-after-year, feeling alone, being pursued, maybe feeling angry or resentful for having to work so hard to support your partner which could lead to an unhelpful sense of entitlement to having earned the little extras and then being faced with temptation can lead an originally well intentioned individual to justify getting something from an affair that they feel is no longer there for them at home.

Both men and women are susceptible to going though this. It is not gender specific.
 
If monogamy is very important to you, consider it a lifestyle that you have to support. That might mean choosing a different profession, maybe making less money, or making money is a different way so that your lifestyle does not threaten your monogamy.
 
Frank Kermit 

Learn about The Hierarchy of Dating and Relationships (and how to Transition to Monogamy as a Couple) in the Coaching Workbooks:
I'm A Man, That's My Job       and      I'm A Woman, It's My Time

If you have any questions about managing the monogamy of your relationship  sign up for a couples session.