Get Out Of Your Own Way
By Frank Kermit
One of the biggest obstacles that a person can have as an obstruction on their path of finding happiness, peace and healing for their love live, is themselves. Although most people would welcome a change in their lives regarding the things they are less than content with, most people are not actually interested in the hard work that it may sometimes take to make such changes a permanent reality.
Changing the status of your love life is not a pleasant process, even if the resulting outcome is extremely desirable. The loving pot of gold at the end of your rainbow path of personal development is a goal that requires a person to literally burn parts of themselves away while walking that sunshine colored mountain.
To have something new in your life you have to eliminate certain parts of you that are currently taking up space in your reality. In every change, there is a progression of the self; in every change, there is a little death of the person that once was. Each time you make any step forward in life toward knowledge, and especially self-knowledge, a former part of yourself must die off in order for those new learning’s to take full effect.
The best a Frank-student-of-relationships can hope for is that the part dies off is the part that held on to the comfort of ignorance. If the only thing you lose on your journey of self-discovery is your ignorance, which is a great blessing. Sometimes people feel that they had to give up a sense of innocence in learning the realities surrounding relationships. Sometimes people feel like they had to give up on the hope of a fantasy. Sometimes it just comes down to having to grow up and be an adult about your attitudes and expectations.
The benefit of embracing maturity is that you have the best chance of building the kind of realistic relationships you desire. The price of maturity is the mourning process that takes place when the child you were has to let go of being in control.
“But I don’t want to change!” says the reluctant wanna-be lover. The expectation that the world will work the way they want it to work, and the refusal to accept the harsh realities of expectations unmet, is a sure fire formula to unhappiness. It is called the school of hard knocks, because many of those hard-hitting lessons knock you off your high horse, until you are ready to accept that just wanting something is not enough to get it. You earn what it is you want with hard work.
Your love life is a result of the behaviors you enact every single day. If you want something in your life to change, you must change your own behaviors as a catalyst. If you want a better relationship partner, you have to become a better potential partner yourself FIRST.
That is what you have control over, and that is where the source of your power to change your love life forever comes from. When I started my own personal development, I too took stock in my behaviors at the time to see where I was getting in my own way. I noted two very specific areas that needed to change.
The fact I had little disposable income to pay for more social activities, and the fact I had little disposable time. So I made some changes. One of the things that I changed is that I stopped my hobby of genealogy. Although researching a family tree is a wonderful pass time and I still think it is a valuable exercise, the time I was putting into it was time away from helping myself.
The irony is that I was spending so much time on the roots of my family tree, that I was not doing enough to focus on growing my own branches of it. I decided to put that time and money into a new hobby: dance lessons. In taking stock of the things I wanted to change, one of the listed items was to be able to dance at a wedding. I changed a behavior that was getting me nowhere, for a behavior that would potentially get me more social experience.
Two years later, I danced at a wedding and did such a wonderful performance, that I ended up having a slew of women ask me to dance for rest of the evening. As much as I did miss learning more about my roots, and as completely uncomfortable as I was going to the dance studio and tripping over my feet (mostly because as an overweight person I can not even see my feet), and as anxiety-ridden as my heart was having to actually meet new people and create small talk while attempting to look competent as I lead through a waltz…I have to say that in that moment of being approached by so many women to ask me to dance made me forget so much of the emotionally pain I went through to make that kind of change.
No one has time to help himself or herself fix their loves lives. You MAKE time by actively choosing your priorities, and accepting that the part of you that is holding back, is exactly the part of you that you need to release. Love that part of you because all it was trying to do is keep you safe, but let it go, because it’s job is done. It was only suppose to keep you safe long enough that you would be around to take a chance on love.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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