Dating 8 Months No I Love You
By Frank Kermit
There are people who date and even get into serious relationships that are not outwardly expressive about the way they feel. These people do not say, “I love you”. It doesn’t mean they do not feel love, it just means that for whatever reason, they do not express love. These individuals show their love through their actions (they take care of their lovers when their lovers get sick, they do errands for their lovers without complaining, they protect their lovers from anyone that may aim to do their lovers wrong). These individuals that do not say, “I love you” aren’t trying to be malicious; they are not trying to withhold affection, and they are not necessarily blocked in any way. They are just different. They do not outwardly express their sentiment.
There are people who date and get into serious relationships that need to constantly hear outwardly expressions about how their partners feel. These people need to hear their partner’s say, “I love you” on a more frequent basis than the average person would expect. They simply respond strongly to being told, “I love you” from a person that loves them. They have a certain way in which they feel loved by someone, and that way includes an auditory expression of “I love you” that speaks to them more profoundly than the actions that someone takes to demonstrate that same level of love. These people are not needy; they are not desperate or necessarily constantly needing reassurance. They are just different. They need to hear “I love you” expressed to them.
Now, what do you think happens when a person who is not in the habit of saying, “I love you” ends up dating, or gets into a relationship with a person who needs to hear “I love you” frequently?
The person that needs to hear it might start to develop resentment because he or she is not getting an emotional need met in not hearing “I love you”. That resentment might come through in passive aggressive actions, and even cause the person not to be as loving or giving in the relationship. The person may also start to accuse the other of not actually loving the person. Resentment kills intimacy and the motivation to build a future for a relationship.
The person that does not outwardly express him or her self might start to develop resentment because he or she is not feeling appreciated. This person shows love through actions of taking care of the other person. It is very easy for such a person to feel their actions are being dismissed because they do not verbalize their sentiment. A person’s whose loving actions do not feel acknowledged might stop taking those same actions that help bond him or her within the couple.
If you find yourself in such a situation and do not want to lose the relationship you have, it is up to both individuals in the couple to compromise a little and show each partner some consideration.
The non-verbal lover will need to make a little effort to say, “I love you” not for him or her self, but because it connects to their partner. The lover that needs to hear “I love you” needs to adjust their expectations of what their partner can express, and has to be mindful to show appreciation for the loving actions that the partner commits in the name of love.
Every couple has challenges to overcome. Even the best of couples face issues that need to addressed; and this situation is a manageable one if both people are willing to communicate their needs and boundaries and are willing to may slight adjustments before any resentment has a chance to take hold.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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