Addressing, "I don't"
Before Saying "I do"
By Frank Kermit
Getting married? That is great!
You found someone that wants to spend the rest of his or her life with you, as much as you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her. Bravo! And before the big wedding day, there is so much to do. The wedding planning alone is an overwhelming task.
However, wedding planning, and for that matter, planning the rest of your life, aside, there is still a little matter that may require your attention.
That little matter has to do with just how much you actually know about the person you are set to marry.
In my practice, I often find that individuals can easily describe what it is they like about their future spouse.
However, sometimes, a better-worded question is required to bring to an individual's attention to just how much they have yet to discover about the person he or she is engaged too.
If you are engaged to be married, and you want to be sure you have asked all the right questions, but are unaware of where to start, then ask yourself this:
What is it about your future spouse that you don't know? Make a list.
If you still have no idea of what to ask, start off with questions where the answers, could indicate you would have to negate your engagement, or at the very least put it off for a little while longer until the situation can be resolved.
Here are some examples:
I don't know if my potential life partner has:
-Ever been arrested,
-Served time in jail,
-Has a criminal record,
-Lived a lifestyle that you are enormously against,
-Has a history of abuse,
…and so on.
If it would stop you from being engaged to your partner, be sure to admit what you do not know, and make the effort to find out.
Other examples may include asking "I don't" questions having more to do with whether or not you wonder if your potential life partner is capable of accepting elements from your own past.
In this case, some examples can include:
I don't know if my potential life partner
can accept that:
-I had a child that was given up for adoption that might look me up one day,
-I filed for bankruptcy less than a decade ago,
-I may be unable to have children,
-I have a secret from my past that no one knows about,
-I cheated when we first started dating,
…and so on.
If you think knowing the truth about you would cause your potential life partner to call off the wedding, then you owe it to the both of you, to give your partner the option of making an informed decision.
Love may be blind, but personal inabilities to accept partners fully and completely can force eyes open to the unpleasantness of a broken engagement.
It is better to find out all about all of your "I don'ts", before saying that most important "I do".
That will give you the best chances that when you answer "I do" to "to have and to hold, until death do you part" you can actually mean it and stick too it through the good times and bad.
FRANK KERMIT MA
EXPERT RELATIONSHIP COACH
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